Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

tumblr_inline_mmn5efmNJz1qz4rgp

Lorde Shades Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift, Makes You Want to Hug Her in the Process

PREACH, GIRL

PREACH

Ella Yelich-O’Connor, the New Zealand-born singer publicly known as Lorde, may only be 16 years old, but her balls are coming in nicely.

In two separate interviews over the past few months, she managed to get digs in at Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez — and it didn’t sound catty either time. In fact, if you have a kid sister or a daughter her age (or if you are her age), you should be hailing this girl as the Gloria Steinem of the under-21 set.

First, back in June — well before she hit the top of the iTunes charts with the super-catchy “Royals” — New York magazine asked Lorde if any of her ex-boyfriends should be “worried” about the album she was working on. She replied:

“No, no. I try to stay away from talking about boys all the time. You can go to Taylor Swift to hear that.”

Zing.

And then, when Radio New Zealand asked her recently to comment on how women are portrayed in pop music, she said:

“A song came out recently by a big pop star [Selena Gomez] and the lyrical thing is ‘when you’re ready come and get it, I’ll be sitting right here just waiting’ and I just find that so pathetic and I don’t think girls should be listening to that kind of thing and I don’t think that is normal or healthy … I love pop music on a sonic level. But I’m a feminist and the theme of her cover, ‘Come & Get It,’ is ‘When you’re ready come and get it from me.’ I’m sick of women being portrayed this way.”

For chrissakes. Asking me a question like that at 16 would’ve yielded not much more than a slow blink in return, but Lorde is all articulate answers and take-no-prisoners sass and fearless honesty. And after months of Miley Cyrus‘ faux riot grrl bullshit, it’s almost enough to make one weep with joy.

[h/t Fishwrapper]

Ed Sheeran Says Taylor Swift Would Never Be As Vindictive As We Already Know She Is

It's cool. I mean, I made you and all, but you don't owe me a thing. Really. [via Instagram]

It’s cool. I mean, I made you and all, but you don’t owe me a thing. Really.

Ed Sheeran, who pretty much owes his career to Taylor Swift, says Taylor Swift would never ever besmirch an ex and Taylor Swift is a super-supportive friend and Taylor Swift only uses words personally approved by bunnies in Disney cartoons. Says Ed Sheeran. A totally unbiased source.

As you’ll probably recall, Taylor was caught on camera at the VMAs talking to bestie Selena Gomez while One Direction (the British boy band that gives Taylor’s ex-boyfriend Harry Styles something to do between cougars) was on stage. And that moment spawned the GIF seen ’round the world:

stfu-taylor

Everyone assumed the remark was aimed at Harry because even though they only dated for about three minutes, that’s like seven years in Taylor Swift years so she took the split pretty hard.

In fact, when she won Best Female Video for “I Knew You Were Trouble” — a song she’s previously acknowledged she wrote about Harry — she pointedly thanked “the person who inspired this song because he knows exactly who he is.” (Subtle lady is subtle.)

But Ed Sheeran now wants us to believe that infamous GIF doesn’t depict Taylor sniping at Harry at all, but rather reassuring Selena about her chances of winning Best Pop Video at the awards.

“Selena said, ‘I think Miley’s gonna win [over me].’ And Taylor was like, ‘Shut the fuck up!’ That’s all that was!” Sheeran claimed at a press conference a week after the fact.

A week during which Selena herself refused to answer when she was asked what Taylor said, instead going on a diatribe about how chicks should be more supportive of each other — which would’ve been a great time to tell the story Ed told.

Except unlike him, she didn’t have, you know, a week and a team of PR people to come up with it.