Paris Hilton, Who Can’t Really DJ, Gets Paid a Lot of Money to DJ

Play that funky music, white girl

Play that funky music, white girl. Or just let someone else do it for you.

Since Paris Hilton can’t really make a living just being Paris Hilton anymore, she got herself a job: She’s been DJ’ing all over the world and getting paid a shitload to do it. She even recently said she’s one of the top five DJs on the planet, causing real DJs like Paul Oakenfold to sputter and make all the lolz.

So you probably won’t clutch your pearls when I tell you that someone on Quora asked “Is Paris Hilton a Good DJ?” and the answer was a resounding “mmmmno.” The photo above was provided as evidence, along with the explanation:

In the middle of Paris Hilton’s subpar deejay debut in Brazil [in 2012], a man suddenly appeared from behind the booth and started twisting the knobs on her Traktor Kontrol, essentially doing her job for her.

Never in my life have I seen a DJ – professional or amateur – let another person touch anything in their personal space while they are at work. It just isn’t done… unless of course, the person in front of the crowd is not really deejaying.

Paris plays pre-programmed mixes, none of which are any good. She doesn’t mix at all while she’s on stage. She dresses like a cocktail party guest instead of like an actual DJ. She spends more time dancing on stage than actually spinning records. Even after dating Afrojack, one of the top DJs in the world, she clearly does not have a grasp of how to play for a crowd.

In fairness, sleeping with someone does not magically infuse you with their powers. (If that were true, I’d play one hell of a guitar solo.) (And maybe some drums too.)

Meanwhile, someone else went all existential:

The question contains an invalid assumption: Paris Hilton is not a DJ. Claiming this is the most offensive thing you can say to any real DJ. She’s a moronic celebrity, aiming to “look cool” behind the decks, nothing else. Therefore she cannot be “good” at something she is not at all in the first place.

Which begs the question: If an heiress falls in the woods and there’s no one around to hear her, does she just hire someone else to make a sound?

Lindsay Lohan Had Her Goons Beat Up Paris Hilton’s Kid Brother

TMZ

TMZ

Back in 2006 when she was still a thing, Paris Hilton was caught on video practically peeing herself with laughter as her douchebag pal Brandon Davis trashed Lindsay Lohan and her (allegedly) ginger vaj, bestowing a nickname that sticks even today: Firecrotch.

Paris has since been replaced in pop culture by something newer, shinier and Kardashianier, but LiLo has apparently never forgotten — or forgiven — the bitch she once was. And if TMZ is to be believed, Lohan’s now taking it out on Paris’ kid brother, Barron.

Multiple sources connected to the situation tell us … Barron attended a party last night at a Miami mansion where Lindsay has been staying while she’s in town for an art festival — a party that lasted until well after the sun came up.

We’re told … during the party, someone accused Barron of talking smack about Lindsay — and a short time later he was attacked and beaten to a pulp. TMZ obtained a photo of the damage.

We know … 24-year-old Barron spoke with police following the incident. He claims Lohan orchestrated the beating.

Barron told cops Lindsay approached him at the party with a male friend and began screaming, “‘You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get.”

As the guy proceeded to pummel Barron, Hilton claims Lindsay was laughing and egging him on.

Cops were called to the scene and interviewed Barron. We’re told Barron doesn’t know the identity of his attacker but is adamant Lindsay is the person behind the attack.

Lindsay’s camp denies everything, of course, and says she left the party before the beatdown even happened. Problem is, there’s video of Barron and his friends confronting her right after someone played whack-a-mole on his face.

If you’ve seen the “firecrotch” video, you know how utterly awful Paris was and it’s somewhat comforting to know her fall from grace soon followed. But really, if Lindsay’s gonna make the brother pay for the sins of the sister, she’s doing it all wrong.

It’s like she’s never seen “Game of Thrones” at all.

Paris Hilton Almost Clinched a Perfect Radio Interview. Almost.

Paris Hilton has been doing press for her upcoming pre-mid-life crisis album, so here she is appearing on the Raleigh-Durham area morning show “Bob and the Showgram.” (Bob is Bob. We guess that woman is the showgram?)

And things go fairly well until Paris’ infamous sex tape is brought up.

“You know a lot of people – Kim Kardashian, a couple other folks, too – started with the sex video. You did, too. Do you ever wish you didn’t do that back in the day?” Bob asked.

Paris, taken aback, responds: “Well that was not anything to do with me. I just dated a person who was a very sick man. So…”

From there things get tense, but Paris keeps her cool and answers questions until the end of the segment, when she thought she’d hung up the phone — but hadn’t. Which meant she accidentally told the world:

“That was fucking awful. I’m never doing that show again.”

Her publicist – who was apparently monitoring - says, “I’ve already put in a call to them. I can’t believe they brought that crap up.”

If you’re a radio host, you should probably do some cursory research on your subject to know what you’re asking about. Like how, unlike Farrah Abraham, Paris did not orchestrate the release of her sex tape. She also won a substantial damages from Rick Salomon (AKA the “sick man”) in court.

Not to mention that this was nine years ago. If you want to make fun of Paris for something relevant, how about “The Hottie and the Nottie“?

We also have to give Paris for some credit for maintaining her composure, not faltering and even wishing the host a good day before the interview ended. Seems when she’s playing Paris, she’s not a half-bad actress.

Anyway. Bob better watch his back. Paris can get Lil Wayne to lace his sizzurp.
 

Here’s the Video for That Song Paris Hilton and Lil Wayne Did Together

A while back, Lil Wayne polished off his daily 2-liter bottle of sizzurp and said to himself, “Self, you should sign Paris Hilton to a record deal.” So he did. And together, they shat out a poetic single called “Good Time.” Which begat the video above.

In it, a bikini-clad Paris and her wonky eye (seriously, what’s up with that thing) throw what appears to be a molly-fueled pool party complete with glowsticks, a 10-foot-tall robot named Kryoman, and appearances from Birdman and Weezy himself.

“The video is so sexy and so much fun, I really wanted it to be colorful and full of life,” she told MTV News. “I loved all the wardrobe, there were so many gorgeous outfits … It’s just a fun party with beautiful people and having the time of our lives.”

“Good Time” is just the first single off a full album Paris expects to release in 2014. So you have that to look forward to.

And Now We Know What It Takes to Make Us Feel Bad for Paris Hilton

It’s Fashion Week in New York this week, and the elite are all attending shows where people wear clothing made of recycled DVD cases and Lady Gaga furiously scribbles crib notes in the corner. It’s all pretty basic stuff.

Until Paris Hilton exited one of the shows and ran into a complete lunatic who proceeded to go apeshit on her completely unprovoked.

Amidst a flurry of activity, the man screams, “You are the epitome of bourgeois decadence! Get outta here!” before following up with “Get your goddamn dinosaur face outta here!” Meanwhile, Paris is just looking for a way out of the (now growing) crowd and back to her car.

As she gets away, the man starts up a chant of “Bourgeois pig!” that several people recite until she’s gone. Jesus, dude.

Look, making fun of Paris Hilton when she does something stupid is fine. But, really, she’s not relevant enough in 2013 to even bother with. And, in this case, she was literally just walking and minding her own business. Plus we doubt she’s read enough (or any) Marx to understand the insults you’re slinging from down below in your proletariat slums.

How big of a douche do you have to be to just start accosting a woman for no reason? Or to have the gall to call Paris Hilton bourgeois over anyone else attending NYC fashion week? (Check your privilege.) 

Furthermore, how big of a douche do you have to be to make us feel bad for Paris Hilton? Monumentally huge. (We didn’t even think that was possible.)

Congratulations, man. Now go away forever.