Let’s Check In On Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley Cyrus is in the middle of her Bangerz tour, where she’s been struggling to do all sorts of crazy shit nightly and maintain her headline quota.

First, she pretended to masturbate on stage, which probably made Madonna spit fetus blood all over in outrage.

Then Miley decided to up the ante by miming fellatio to a guy in a Bill Clinton mask. But this wasn’t very controversial, either. It’s ancient history, and everyone except maybe Glenn Beck is over it. (By the way: Miley was six years old when the Lewinsky scandal hit.)

And because that wasn’t doing the trick, she then did the same thing to Abe Lincoln, who looks mighty stoic for someone being graced by the all-knowing Tongue of Cyrus.

Regardless, she at least looks healthy and is delivering exactly what her fans want. Like this one:

So what’s next, Miley? Maybe you could sit on the face of an Aaron Burr lookalike as he duels Alexander Hamilton. Maybe you could reenact the Salem witch trials and writhe around on a portrait of Cotton Mathers.

Either way, thank you for giving our youth a crash course in American history/assless chaps. You are a patriot.

Marc Jacobs’ Longtime Photographer Refused to Work With Miley Cyrus

It's okay, Miley. You can always just roll her into the ocean.

Y SO SERIOUS

Fancypants designer Marc Jacobs recently hired eternally thirsty Miley Cyrus as a model for his upcoming spring ad campaign, which isn’t much of a surprise — she worked with him on the “Protect the Skin You’re In” T-shirt campaign (remember when Miley photos like this were considered shocking?), and she even presented him with an award at a Fashion Group International event last fall.

What makes this story notable is that Jacobs’ longtime photographer, Juergen Teller, didn’t shoot the Cyrus ads — and that Marc himself was startlingly upfront about it, telling Women’s Wear Daily:

“I have worked with Juergen for years and love him as an artist … He just didn’t want to shoot her.”

Now, if you aren’t familiar with Juergen Teller, you should know he’s famous for his avant garde work that makes everyone look androgynous, underfed and overlit. Like this ad I saw in January’s issue of In Style:

People in need of sunlight and sandwiches

People in need of sunlight and sandwiches

I remembered this particular ad when I heard Teller wouldn’t shoot Miley. Because, Jesus, look at it. What does it say when this is okay but photographing her is totally out of the question? Oof.

In the end, David Sims took the shot at the top of this post and the one below, both with Famewhore Von DaddyIssues looking like she’s trying to figure out where to hide the dead body next to her. So.

Look how edgy she is. LOOK.

Look how edgy she is. LOOK.

Here’s the New Miley Cyrus Video for ‘Adore You’ That No One Asked For

It may be the day after Christmas, but Miley Cyrus just keeps on giving. A new video for “Adore You” has dropped, featuring the singer she-bopping herself beneath satin sheets and droning on about how much she loves an unnamed muse, which we’re safe to assume rhymes with Smiley Papyrus.

Lacking the understated sultriness of a Madonna or the poppy, fun upbeats of Cyndi Lauper, Miles spend the majority of the video writhing around in a bed with a video camera. It’s pretty much the same thing we’d imagine she does after drinking one too many juice boxes before being sent to bed.

Later on, she’s bathing in some sort of lace getup that would really not be conducive to loofah scrubbing at all. It really makes you wonder about Miley’s personal hygiene and, furthermore, Billy Ray’s — because how else does this sort of thing get passed on?

Despite being her most desperate attempt at boner-baiting, this is one of the least sensual things we’ve ever seen. She fondles herself like blind people grope faces in movies to picture how someone looks.

Ultimately, this is a boring video for a boring song. It’s so uneventful we couldn’t even write a timeline. But if you skip around and look at individual frames, you can interpret Miley’s expressions of bliss as pain and pretend to be shooting her with a taser. And that stretches the video’s novelty for at least another five minutes.

Jennifer Lawrence Beats Miley Cyrus for AP Entertainer of the Year — By One Vote

Even David Letterman wants to pet her

Even David Letterman wants to pet her

Human kitten calendar Jennifer Lawrence just gave us all one more reason to love her — she bested pop culture rerun Miley Cyrus by one vote to become the Associated Press Entertainer of the Year, thus sparing us the endlessly self-congratulatory string of tweets with which Cyrus would’ve otherwise honored herself.

The AP asked 70 US editors and news directors to choose the person or entity that had the “most influence” on entertainment and culture in 2013, and once the ballots were tallied, JLaw’s 15 votes gave her first place, Cyrus was the runner-up with 14 votes, and Netflix took third with 13 votes (for “altering the TV landscape with its on-demand format and hit original series”).

Lawrence — who started the year with an Academy Award for best actress, fueled a box-office franchise as “The Hunger Games” heroine Katniss Everdeen, and wrapped 2013 with a critically acclaimed performance in “American Hustle” that just earned Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild Award nominations — charmed fans everywhere with her candid sincerity.

She was also a fashion darling — a muse for Dior — who made headlines with her pixie haircut.

Kristi Runyan of The Derrick and The News-Herald Newspapers in Oil City, Pa. wrote, “It’s refreshing to see a young woman not squandering her talent and success by succumbing to the temptations many do in Hollywood and who actively speaks about the ridiculous behavior of some of her peers.”

And speaking of such, Miley’s counting down the days until her new video comes out and retweeting fans like this who hope to artificially inflate the viewer numbers to give her a new record. Because playing fair is for loooozers.

Miley Cyrus Sticks Her Tongue Out All the Time Because She’s Shy. Okay.

Stop looking. You're embarrassing her.

Stop looking. You’re embarrassing her.

Miley Cyrus, inexplicably chosen by Barbara Walters as one of 2013′s “Most Fascinating People” even though attentionwhores are pathetic and not fascinating at all, finally revealed why her tongue has spent much of this year taking suicide leaps out of her mouth.

“I get embarrassed to take pictures. That’s actually the truth,” Cyrus told Walters. “I’m so embarrassed, because people are taking pictures of me, and I just don’t know how to– I don’t know how to smile, and just be awkward, so I stick my tongue out, because I don’t know what else to do.”

The struggle, you guys. THE STRUGGLE.

She’s bashful! This explains everything — the gynecological photoshoots, the naked videos, the porny pumpkins. Oh, and especially the way she said “happy holidays” to her Twitter followers:

She only did all that because she was embarrassed. Not because she wants you to look at her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Not that at all. Miley’s too much of a shrinking violet for that.

And now you know just how stupid she thinks you are.

Miley Cyrus Is Influential. LOL.

Twitter

Twitter

It’s that time of year again – when TIME Magazine pretends it’s still relevant and not almost bankrupt by touting its “Person of the Year” issue. Each year they open up online voting to the public (because that’s a great idea) and ask the unwashed masses to pick their favorite. Leading the pack thus far? Miley Cyrus. Of course.

Miles has been stacking the odds in her favor by panhandling for votes on Twitter, causing her tweenage followers to vote for her multiple times, rocketing her above names like Edward Snowden and rockstar Texas Senator (and, hopefully, future Governor) Wendy Davis:

Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 12.06.14 PM

Ultimately, only the editors of TIME can decide who to put on the cover, exercising their right to overrule the public and seem important again. So Miley probably won’t win. But if she does, America loses.

Miley Cyrus Covers Lana Del Rey, Loses More Points

Miley Cyrus is still at it, this time tackling Lana Del Rey for the BBC and finding herself totally out of her league.

Lana and Miles have some things in common. They’re young, famous cigarette smokers. But while Miley has mastered the weird, niche southern-white hip hop market, Lana has specialized in a wispy, lounge singer throwback sound that can instantly transport you into the past.

Lana Del Rey is the type of person that you could see performing in a 1930s club and going home with Indiana Jones. Miley Cyrus is the type of person that you could see throwing a hissy fit in a Taco Bell drive through.

Miley can sing when she wants to and if the song is right. But here, her voice doesn’t lend itself. It’s too deep and grating juxtaposed with Lana’s – even if she recovers a bit towards the end. It’s just weird.

Still, this is a good direction for Miley to go, and it’s not half as blasphemous as Taylor Swift trying out Tori Amos. Some things are inexcusable.

Gaze Into Miley Cyrus’ Porn Pumpkins and Question Everything

This gives new meaning to pumpkin seed.

This gives new meaning to pumpkin seed.

Here are the uber edgy and adult pumpkins Miley Cyrus posted to her Twitter account early this morning because she is no longer Hannah Montana and she wants any passing transients to be able to jerk off by candlelight.

Aside from the two coitus pumpkins, there’s a very original pot leaf one with “4:20″ emblazoned on it and a blackboard shaped like a pumpkin that says “Happy Fucking Halloween” in nice, loopy Miley handwriting (which, ironically, bears a resemblance to Walt Disney’s).

It’s highly unlikely Miley carved these sex-o-lanterns. They were probably done by a midget in a bear suit or whoever the hell she hangs out with these days. But she definitely captured the spirit of the season, which is pretty much all about cunnilingus. Nailed it.

Good job, Miles. #2spooky.

2SPOOKY+_cfc4f6230d2ab52c2f5efb1271393272

Oh, Good. Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus Are Hanging Out Together Now.

Filed under "Good Ideas That Are Terrible"

Filed under “Good Ideas That Are Terrible”

Because it’s the best idea ever for a troubled girl fresh out of rehab to hang with the human equivalent of a frat party, Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus have apparently formed some sort of unholy alliance.

Page Six reports:

The tongue-waving twerk queen was seen at a Chelsea club with Magic Johnson’s son EJ Johnson and Andrew Warren when, a spy said, “Lindsay climbed over from her table next to the DJ booth to Miley’s table.”

Then, “The two immediately began whispering in the corner. From that point on, the two tables essentially became one.”

We hear LiLo’s crew included dreadlocked Ralph Lauren model Morgan O’Connor, who sources said has been seeing Lohan, but also looked like he hit it off with Miley on Saturday night. Cyrus and Lohan “stayed till just after 5 a.m.” and even left together.

We’d tell LiLo to be careful because Miley totally seems like the kind of chick who’d hook up with a pal’s boyfriend — but then we saw Morgan and he’s white so never mind, Lindsay. You’re safe.

Katy Perry Wishes Miley Cyrus Would Just Put Her Clothes On Already

She's the classy one now

She’s the classy one now

Miley Cyrus recently gave a facepalm-worthy interview to Cosmo that we’ve ignored thus far because for chrissakes, we’ve palmed our faces about her enough lately and touching your face causes acne and shit.

That said, for reasons we’ll explain in minute, we do have to call out this bit where Miley stopped complimenting herself long enough to say:

“The support of other artists is important because there are not many people who can relate to what I’m going through right now. Kanye West is one of those people, and even Katy Perry has been so cool … for Katy to say that she appreciates what I’m really doing for the pop industry, that keeps you going.”

Seems Katy has since had a change of heart, though, because in an NPR interview that aired on Saturday, she bemoaned the unclothed state of many of her contemporaries. She wouldn’t name names, but you don’t need a calculator to do the math here.

“I mean, it’s like everybody’s so naked. It’s like, put it away. We know you’ve got it. I got it too … I’ve taken it out here and there. And I’m not necessarily judging. I’m just saying sometimes it’s nice to play that card but also it’s nice to play other cards. And I know I have that sexy card in my deck but I don’t always have to use that card.”

Yeah, she’s probably shading Rihanna and Ke$ha and Lady Gaga too, but you know Miley’s mushy ass had to be the majorette leading that little parade.

To recap: The girl who once did this in a video thinks it’s time everyone got dressed and started acting like ladies.

katy perry whipped cream