Adam Lambert Is Made of Glitter and Guyliner and Utter Fabulousness

The collective talent of the “Glee” cast is pretty much undeniable, but let’s be real here — the show itself hasn’t been interesting in a long time. So lately, it’s embarked on that hallowed TV tradition often observed by waning programs that still have a bunch of episodes they’re contractually obligated to make: stunt-casting.

Which brings us to the video above. Look, I don’t know the storyline beyond what’s presented here, and it really doesn’t matter. All you need to know is Adam Lambert covers Lady Gaga‘s “Marry the Night.” And by “covers” I mean “makes it his bitch.”

Adam, as you may recall, should’ve won the 8th season of “American Idol” back in 2009 but didn’t, most likely because he has the gay and the little girls who do all the voting weren’t yet old enough to realize they wanted to borrow his clothes and makeup. (And really, it’s a good thing he lost. Otherwise he’d have been stuck with the winner’s curse of a first album that’s the musical equivalent of tapioca pudding.)

Anyway, Adam’s spent the years since being outrageous and talented and pissing off people who really need pissing off. His most recent gig is a multi-ep arc on “Glee” — and if his debut performance is any indication, the snoozy show just put on its highest heels, washed down a few Adderall with a Red Bull, and hit the clubs.

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Marilyn Manson Is Acting Kinda Weird These Days

No, wait. That’s just Lady Gaga. Our mistake.

Here’s G playing the first ever Youtube Music Awards dressed as a transient meth-addled truck driver with a straight brimmed hip hop hat. She arrived at the show in those scary as hell Kirsten Dunst teeth before debuting her new single “Dope.”

Gaga began crying before even beginning the song, whose lyrics seem to detail someone begging their lover to return to them and referencing “Bell Bottom Blues,” which only makes you wish you were listening to Eric Clapton.

Of course the Daily Mail scored shots of Gaga and BF Taylor Kinney getting really cozy before the show, which means they’re still together and also means those tears are about as real as Farrah Abraham‘s sense of empathy.

Lots of people have been commenting about how she sounds like a duckling who just found out its mother had been shot down during hunting season, prompting some of the most glorious YouTube comments we’ve ever read, with defenders saying everything was genuine and she’s just “feeling” the music, you guys.

There’s also one particularly amazing comment which reads:

RON PERLMAN ROCKS!!!!!

So one astute internetter believed G looked more like Hellboy than Mr. Manson. To each their own.

Lady Gaga Is Still Terrifying

Twitter

Twitter

Here’s the album art for Lady Gaga‘s new single, “Dope,” which is the most horrifying thing we’ve seen all Halloween season.

On the cover, Lady G stands wearing an oversized Talking Head jacket and a transient hobo hat and flashing some janky ass teeth. She’s also covered in bruises and cuts and has her eyes obscured. Jesus, Gaga.

G’s been trying rather hard as of late, and it’s kind of sad to watch. This falls into that category. Hopefully she realizes soon that weird does not automatically equal artistic and just starts being awesome again (instead of, you know, pretending to be a meth addict).

Kelly Osbourne Celebrated Her Birthday by Insulting Lady Gaga

Twitter

Twitter

Yesterday was Kelly Osbourne‘s birthday. This coincided with her former arch rival Lady Gaga appearing on “The X Factor” with her mum, Sharon. Gaga did a super sweet thing and brought Sharon a cake for Kelly. But Kelly was none too pleased.

After Gaga tweeted the above shot, Kelly posted a photo of the cake to her instagram with the delightfully pleasant caption: “#EatMyShit #Hypocrisy.” What’s hypocritical? We’re not sure. But Kelly had already flipped her bitch switch and wasn’t about to stop, tweeting:

Gaga, however, took the high road, holding the olive branch high and calling for little monsters to stop being mean to Kelly:

Finally, in the cold light of morning, Kelly realized she came off looking pretty bad and decided a mea culpa was in order.

Ultimately, this worked out pretty good for both of them. Their feud can finally be buried and Lady G gets more people talking about her new album without having to strip down and put on a fake mustache.

And just like that, Gaga is fabulous again. We couldn’t stay mad at her anyway.

Stop It, Lady Gaga. Just Stop.

Here’s Lady Gaga, who’s desperately trying to get you excited for her new album “Artpop,” and barely raising more than a few “meh”s on Instagram.

Gaga’s been doing her best to hype this album by appearing all over with more weird shit on her head and super pretentious Twitter Q&A sessions, but really she doesn’t need either. Because when she strips down (figuratively) and just sings, she’s fantastic. And then she has to go and ruin it by doing something stupid.

We still love you, G. But sometimes less is more. Even Miley Cyrus is starting to figure that out.

Try it.

Remember Lady Gaga? Here’s Her New Album Cover.

She's baaaaaaack

She’s baaaaaaack

Earlier this year, Lady Gaga had to cancel her “Born This Way Ball” tour so she could have hip surgery — or, if you’re one of her haters, so she could go into rehab without anyone knowing she was there. Regardless of the reason, one of the world’s biggest pop stars and most prolific Twitter users suddenly went silent.

And it was astonishing how fast the general public seemed to forget about her. It was like the nightmares of every famewhore coming true all at once. (Miley Cyrus in particular seemed to take notice, which could explain why her every move lately has been carefully designed to ensure she’s never too far out of our goddamned faces.)

Anyway, Gaga’s been back for a minute but since there isn’t much spare oxygen in the room these days, it’s been hard to tell. Sales for “Applause,” the first single off her upcoming album “ARTPOP,” have been tepid. But earlier today, the cover of “ARTPOP” was unveiled on billboards all over L.A., Chicago, and NYC’s Times Square.

Gaga later tweeted out the cover along with a shoutout to its artist, Jeff Koons. But alas, the whole “naked with a ball between her legs” imagery is only going to draw comparisons to someone inferior who’s done that already.
 

New Red Band ‘Machete Kills’ Trailer Will Disembowel You [NSFW]

2010′s “Machete” was an odd duck. A throwback to ’70s exploitation pictures, it starred Danny Trejo as the titular assassin going on a rampage of revenge and also featured Lindsay Lohan, Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba and Steven Seagal. It was fun, but suffered from an uneven tone and narrative disjointedness.

Now, Machete’s back — and a brand new red band trailer gives us a sneak peek of the carnage he’ll bring.

This time around the villain is played by Mel Gibson, whose motives are unclear (not that it matters). Michelle Rodriguez is back playing a different character than the first film, Sofia Vergara is a woman who can shoot bullets out of her crotch and breasts, and Charlie Sheen is the President. We also get Vanessa Hudgens, Amber Heard, Lady Gaga and Cuba Gooding Jr. in various roles.

The trailer’s barely over half a minute, but we see multiple people’s intestines get thrown into helicopter blades, sucking them up and dicing them. There are explosions, decapitations, genital mutilation, impalings and Gibson wearing a cape. Holy hell, this looks entertaining.

It seems like everyone involved is having more fun this time around, especially Gibson, who really hams it up. Lady Gaga, too, seems to love getting a chance to revisit that Latin accent she rocked in “Alejandro.”

“Machete Kills” hacks its way into theaters October 11th. Bring a blood poncho.

Elton John Is Worried About Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga, But Mostly Just Wants You to Buy His Album

Twitter

Twitter

Elton John is typically pretty removed from the spotlight — until he has some shit to plug. Then he emerges, snipes at some other super famous people, and recedes. Last time he needed to do this he accused Madonna of lip-syncing. This time? He couldn’t choose who to attack, so he launched a double barrage on Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga — just to make sure something stuck.

Speaking with The Australian, John said:

“I look at Miley Cyrus and I see a meltdown waiting to happen. And she’s so young! But she’s got two records in the top 20, so who is going to stop her?”

Okay, Elton. Not everyone who acts against type is on the verge of a “meltdown.” Unlike, say, Amanda Bynes, we’re pretty sure that Miley knows exactly what she’s doing (unfortunately). Hell, she hasn’t even soaked a dog in gasoline yet.

Regardless, John said he can “spot a car crash before it happens.” Then he turned his attention to Gaga, saying:

“With Gaga – who I love, she’s the godmother to our children –I’d like to be able to talk to her right now, but I can’t get through to her. And there are times when you have to listen. When your persona begins to take over your music and becomes more important, you enter a dangerous place. Once you have people around you who don’t question you, you’re in a dangerous place.”

We’ll give you that one, dude. Lady G is clearly surrounded by yes-men who think walking around with a bag over your face is a great idea. She’s lost some of her vision, and soon she’ll be giving ironic concerts to the homeless. Or doing some art installation where she rides around in a cab throwing pieces of chicken out the window.

But she’s already in a fight with a prominent gay person, Elton. She doesn’t need two on her hands. Better leave her be.

Elton’s new album, “The Diving Board,” will be out September 24th. But that’s probably purely coincidental.

Tori Amos Predicted the Downfall of Lady Gaga

Tori Amos Lady Gaga

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Lady Gaga has been a little less interesting as of late, from both a musical and aesthetic standpoint. It seems she’s beginning to falter a bit, and competition from Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus appears to be getting the best of her. But it seems this was all predicted several years ago by none other than soothsayer extraordinaire Tori Amos.

It was August of 2009 when Tori materialized in front of a reporter for The Sun in a puff of ethereal blue smoke and began to disclose future events:

“She’s what I call a meteor — singers who entertain people for a while. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. But then there are people like Neil Young who show up at Glastonbury 40 years into their career. And that’s a very different kind of artist.”

There’s only room in this town for one piano princess, evidently. And it must have seemed a little too sunny in Gaga world, because the shade continued:

“The question is, will Lady Gaga be playing alongside Neil Young at Glastonbury in 20 years’ time? She wants to entertain people. Right now, half the world is depressed and they need to be entertained. So her timing’s perfect.”

Of course, no one listened. The world took Tori’s quiet, sage wisdom and forgot about it. But had everyone been listening, think of all the disasters we could have avoided. Imagine what she may have been saying this whole time unbeknownst to us (thanks to the liberal media, obviously).

We might have stopped Fukushima. Maybe “Grown Ups 2″ would never have been released. The consequences are monumental.

So next time you’re wandering through a forest and hear a disembodied voice whisper, “Justin Bieber will not be remembered three years from now,” just smile and chuckle. Because Tori Amos is not the prophet we deserve, but the prophet we need.

Deal with it.

Deal with it.

See, This Is Why Lady Gaga Is Utterly Infuriating

When Lady Gaga first burst into the public consciousness several years ago, I kind of blew her off as a feather-weight studio creation. Then a friend pointed me to an old video of her just playing a piano and singing. It was, in a word, astonishing.

Since then I get kind of pissed when I see Gaga rolling around on stage in puddles of fake blood or wearing live ocelots on her head or whatever her latest thing is, because that’s the kind of shit that makes it damned near impossible to convince non-believers that this woman is a bona fide talent.

From now on, though, I won’t bother trying to make the case. I’ll just let this glorious video of Gaga at this weekend’s iTunes Festival in London do it for me. Even if it does make me want to throw things at her.