9 Bizarre Things in the Kardashians’ Kreepy Khristmas Kard

2013 kardashian christmas card

Merry, uh, post-apocalypse

Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.

Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.

We took a closer look, and here’s what we found:

1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)

Kim-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Mooooo

2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.

Kendall-Kylie-Jenner-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Maybe she’ll get a bartender for Christmas

3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!

4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.

5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.

6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.

Khloe-Kris-Kourtney-Bruce-Christmas-Card

In space and the Kardashian holiday card, no one can hear you scream

7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)

8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”

9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.

Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!

The Kardashians Visited Area 51 and Weren’t Abducted. Damn You, Aliens.

So here’s a video of Alejandro Rojas, a ufologist and writer at Open Minds Magazine (which deals in such topics), monotonously discussing how he took the Kardashian Klan out to visit Area 51 for a recent episode of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Kris, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie and Bruce piled into an RV along with Travis Walton – alleged abductee – and set out looking for UFOs or some other 2spooky phenomena. Basically, they just drove into the desert, got close to the signs bordering Area 51, and were spotted by guys in scary “Men In Black” vehicles who sat there watching them until they left.

The best part of this is that Rojas seems to think that the Kardashian interest will somehow lend credibility to the subject of ufology, which is so utterly misguided, we don’t know where to begin. He also asserts “they were all super smart,” which is even less believable than the claim that aliens have crash-landed on Earth.

Unfortunately, none of our famewhore friends were abducted. Possibly because the aliens recognized that Bruce was one of them.

Either way, the truth is out there.

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Kris Jenner Wants You to Think She Didn’t Turn Cartwheels Over Kim’s Sex Tape

Kris Jenner has six kids, so dude — she’s tired. Motherhood is hard. Which is probably why she’s just ignoring youngest child Kylie until the obnoxious little brat turns 18 and can start earning her keep like all her siblings (well, except for Rob, but he’s a guy so no one wants to see his boobs anyway).

But even if Kris started shooting offspring out her vag like a bubble gun, it wouldn’t matter. Kim Kardashian would always be her favorite. After all, the only reason any of us have even heard of the Kardashian-Jenners is because Kim was willing to be a pee pad to Ray J‘s puppy.

The resulting sex tape made Kim’s entire family very rich and very famous — but let your heart bleed for Kris Jenner for a moment, because she says when she first learned of the celluloid gold, she “cried [herself] to sleep.” As she told Joan Rivers on the latest ep of “In Bed With Joan” (via Crushable):

“I’m somewhat of a, you know, religious person, and I keep that to myself. So I live a certain way and I feel a certain way, and I pray for my kids every day, and I’m so in love with my family life. And that hits me up the side of the head, and I literally fell apart.

I had to go in a room and cry for a couple days and say okay, pull yourself to-fucking-gether, because you have to be here for all these kids and your family and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.”

Imagine what would happen if Kris Jenner literally fell apart. You’d basically have a pile of breast implants, naked greed and strips of skin stretched tighter than a needlepoint canvas.

(Speaking of such, remember the “shave and a haircut” part of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” when Roger basically exploded trying to contain the TWWWWOOOO BIIIIIIIITS line? That’s what I like to imagine was going on in Joan Rivers’ head while she was listening to this shit.)

Anyway, assuming this story is even partially true (it’s not at all true), the “example” Kris set for her kids was that shame is for the poors and “famewhore” is among the noblest of professions.

Class dismissed.

Honey Boo Boo’s Family Spent Halloween Slumming As the Kardashians

Discovery

Discovery

The Thompsons of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” fame are often compared to the Kardashians (and if you ask us, the insulted parties here are the Thompsons). So this year, they full-on embraced it.

What you see above is a prettier version of the Kardashians, with 8-year-old Boo herself channeling Kris Jenner, her dad Sugar Bear as Bruce Jenner (back when he still had a human face), both Mama June and Uncle Poodle as Kim Kardashian, Anna as Kourtney Kardashian, Kaitlyn as daughter Penelope Disick, Pumpkin as a hilariously spot-on Scott Disick, and Jessica as Khloe Kardashian.

June told People her clan is “just the redneck version” of America’s First Family of Famewhoredom, and while that may be true, we’d rather share a trailer with them than a palace with the Kardashians. At least the Thompsons have some class.

Kris Jenner Finally Convinced Kanye West That Privacy Is for the Poors

Welcome to the family. Go make us some money.

Welcome to the family. Now go make us some money.

Now that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are officially betrothed, the only questions that remain are when they’ll get married, how they’ll get married, and how much jack they’ll squeeze from the suckers who care.

On Monday, he told Power 106′s “Big Boy’s Neighborhood” morning show (via Complex) the big day will be sometime next summer, and that he had two words in mind for the nuptials: “Fighter jets.” (If only he’d said “drone strikes,” I could finally get behind that whole program.)

Just a few months ago, Kim said Kanye had taught her “a lot about privacy” and that she was “ready to be a little less open about some things” because she’s “learned to understand the importance of privacy and boundaries.”

But when Yeezy was asked yesterday whether his wedding would be televised, it was clear things have changed — so ka-ching, ka-ching, let the reality show kash registers ring.

“I would take as much [money] as possible … What’s official for everybody in this room and everybody on this globe right now is them bills. If you can help out with those bills, because you know me and Kim are in the exploitation business. We get paid to exploit ourselves.”

The interview is below. Listen hard and you might even hear Kris Jenner chanting “ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US” in the background.

Patti Stanger Wants Bruce Jenner On ‘Millionaire Matchmaker.’ Didn’t See That Coming.

Twitter

Twitter

Not a few days after Bruce and Kris Jenner announced their separation, Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger has already set her sights on getting one of them for an E!/Bravo masturbatory crossover by calling up Bruce’s people and trying to get him on her show.

E! caught up with Patti at a Life & Style party in Hollywood, where she said:

“I think the way they’re handling it is wonderful. I mean a lot of people should take a page from Kris and Bruce’s book. I’m sure this is coming from a long time ago, it wasn’t a shock to them. It wasn’t like yesterday to them. They planned it, they did a really good job.”

So Bruce and Kris get an A+ for their mad separating skills. Even though all they really did was move into different houses months ago and meet up to pretend they were in a loving relationship for the sake of television cameras. Anyone could do that.

But Patti continued, saying she had already put out a call to Bruce’s people to get him on “The Millionaire Matchmaker” – an offer you know he’s going to take. Because attention. She then espoused her views on the perfect man for Kris (besides masochistic):

“Kris is all woman. She needs to go for a younger guy. I have to think on Kris. I’d like a guy like 10-12 years younger than her, who really likes the fast lane, who wants to build the empire, who wants to be in the front lines. The guy that really makes her feel confident and he wants wealth, he wants power. A go-getter. Maybe a Silicon Valley guy.”

That’s a lot of qualifications there. Maybe you should first concentrate on finding a guy who can live with the fact that his penis will be going into territory formerly occupied by Bruce Jenner’s melted candlestick.

But if anyone can find a match for these two, it’s Patti. Or Satan. Satan could probably do it.
 

The Kardashians Are Shutting Down Just Like Our Government

E!

E!

Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.

TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.

Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.

Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?

Ether way, we don’t really care.

The Many Faces of Bruce and Kris Jenner Are Calling It Quits

CBS

CBS

So it turns out having reality show cameras up your ass 24/7 isn’t so good for a marriage, because Bruce Jenner and The Mother have split.

Here’s their joint statement to E! Online:

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

Well, that’s what Bruce said anyway. Kris’ statement was more like “now that I’m more famous than he is I don’t need this loser anymore so I’m ghosting,” but that’s hard for Ryan Seacrest to read through a Botoxed permasmile so they went with Bruce’s statement instead.

TMZ says no one’s filed for divorce nor is anyone all that interested in doing so since they “don’t want to screw up their reality show … which is raking in $40 mil for the family.”

You know, the same family that’s their “number one priority.”

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Khloe Kardashian Might Divorce Lamar Odom. Or Eat His Head. One or the Other.

I'll love you until I'm skinny enough to attract new prey

I’ll love you until I’m skinny enough to attract new prey

The Kardashian franchise is getting a bit stale, so The Mother (copyright Joe Odom) apparently told Khloe it’s time to cut husband Lamar Odom loose.

If you look at the Kardashian women like a pack of feral cats and their men like wounded rodents that are sadistically toyed with before being killed and eaten, you’ll see there was no other way for this to end. But because the family’s reality show is under contract for a couple more seasons (and no one really seems to give a shit about Kim‘s baby anymore), THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

So we’re all supposed to pretend Khloe’s trying — really trying — to save the marriage, even as some of The Mother’s hired hands did a sympathy grab by telling People that Khloe “just doesn’t know if she can work this out” and “it’s like the situation is just too far gone at this point for a split to be anything but unavoidable.”

At the same time, The Mother anonymous sources told TMZ that Lamar went to the couple’s home on Tuesday to talk, but while he was there, Khloe “found a pipe with a stash that looked like crack in a baggie” and “went ballistic, calling Lamar a ‘liar’ and telling him, ‘I’m done with you’” before throwing him out of the house.

But then BUT THEN Khloe tweeted this:

And OMG YOU GUYS she signed it KKO instead of just KK and that TOTALLY MATTERS because she took “Odom” out of her name on her social media profiles last week so since she included the O in what was obviously a HIGHLY PERSONAL note to Lamar, maybe true love will prevail.

Or least enough of the illusion of it to last through several episodes of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” anyway.
 

Lamar Odom’s Father Shades the Kardashians, Has More Sense Than His Son

Twitter

Twitter

Lamar Odom — husband of the super-sad emo-quote-posting Khloe Kardashian — was lured from his underground crack den today to defend those helpless Kardashians from the scurrilous words uttered by his own father.

Joe Odom gave an exclusive interview to Radar yesterday, and it was divine. Here are just a few of his choice quotes:

“The mother has been talking a lot of trash about my son, saying he’s on drugs and stuff like that. She’s got something against my son, something against my family. Kris Jenner is very negative. She’s an evil bitch. She doesn’t care about Lamar, she just cares about their image and money.”

“[The Kardashians] don’t give a fuck about my son. It’s more about the damage they do to the Kardashian brand. They brought him down. He’d be better off without them. Let him go, get his life together.”

“I wish he had never got married to Khloe to be honest. She’s controlling. Those Kardashian women all are. You get married they think they wear the pants. You just bring them your whole paycheck, that’s how it works.”

So! It looks like Joe totally knows what’s up.

But The Mother (God how I love that) must have sent word to Lamar to sober up, sucker, because no one could find his Twitter password and the shit one of her minions wrote would be a lot harder to pass off as his if it didn’t actually come from his account.

And suddenly, after more than two months of silence, Lamar’s account was alive with the sound of shade. First there was this:

But people probably thought that was about the Kardashians (hey, if the heavily-sponsored shoe fits), which meant a much wordier follow-up was in order:

Won’t continue 2 speak on this but I have got 2 let this out real quick. I have let this man and many others get away with a lot of shit. He wasn’t there 2 raise me. He was absent ALL of my life due to his own demons. My mother and grandmother raised me. Queens raised me.

For the first time since they left, came a blessing of a FAMILY that I married into. FAMILY. That man wasn’t even invited to my wedding. He has never met my mother in law and some of my other family. How can a man who has NOT once called me to check on my well being have the nerve to talk so recklessly about his own “son”. He is my downfall! His own demons may be the ONLY thing he gave 2 me.

He disrespecting the ONLY FAMILY that has loved me without expecting anything in return. They are the ONLY ones that have been here consistently 4 me during this dark time. Only person 2 blame is myself. Say what you want about me but leave the ones who have done nothing but protect and love me out of this! This goes to out to everyone!

Lamar’s sudden burst of Kardashian family pride may or may not have something to do with the fact that The Mother is the one who hired prominent lawyer Robert Shapiro to rep Lamar in his DUI case. TMZ says his arraignment is on Friday, and someone (either Shapiro or Lamar himself) has to show up, or an arrest warrant will be issued.

Everyone’s pretty sure Lamar won’t be there, which means if Shapiro is suddenly off the case — because maybe, you know, The Mother pulls him — Lamar’s legal woes could get incrementally worse.

But that probably has nothing to do with any of this. Nothing at all.