Kanye’s Getting Kim’s Milk for Free So He Won’t Marry the Cow. Or, You Know, Something.

Ring? Only if it's a NuvaRing.

Ring? Only if it’s a NuvaRing.

Kanye West may be happy to dress up Kim Kardashian like his own life-sized Money-Can’t-Buy-Taste Barbie, but don’t ask him to put a ring on it. He’s way too evolved for that shit.

At least according to a Radar Online source, who snitched:

“Kanye is telling friends that he’ll never marry Kim. He has no need or desire to make their relationship official in the eyes of the law [and] prefers the idea of them as ‘partners’ … He sees marriage as outdated and he’s all about embracing the modern and the new. He doesn’t feel like he has to marry Kim just because they have a baby together.”

But hey, Kim’s all “evs” about it because she was supposedly so humiliated when her made-for-TV wedding to Kris Humphries fell down and went boom that she’s not anxious to tie the knot again. (That little “humiliation” earning her upwards of $17 million must have eased the pain. I’ve had more embarrassing relationships for free.)

“It took her a while to learn the value of privacy,” the insider said with a remarkably straight face, “but she’s getting there thanks to Kanye’s influence.”

The selfie Kim recently posted of her own ass — and Kanye’s public proclamation that he was rushing home to tap it — notwithstanding, of course.

[Photo via Instagram]

Kim Kardashian Would Like to Reintroduce You to Her Ass

Instagram

With liberty and justice for all

Kim Kardashian, mother of an infant daughter, posted a photo of her ass and sideboob on Instagram last night like all the classy moms do.

It’s like she paid homage to the U.S. Congress by reopening her own personal Statue of Liberty. Her huddled masses were yearning to be free and NOW THEY ARE.

And how did babydaddy Kanye West feel about this?

So. Now we’ve seen Kim engage in foreplay on video, on reality TV and on Twitter.

‘MERICA!
 

The Kardashians Are Shutting Down Just Like Our Government

E!

E!

Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.

TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.

Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.

Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?

Ether way, we don’t really care.

Kim and Kanye Put Their Baby in a Straitjacket and Took a Picture

Instagram

Instagram

Until now, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had only seen fit to show one photo of spawn North to the world (and, going completely against type, they released the shot themselves without being paid for it or anything). But since Kim just got an assload of designer baby clothes, she apparently thought this was a good time to post a more recent picture of the kid who’ll eventually wear them.

So. Here she is. She’s, uh, still a baby. Just an older one now, because that’s how time works.

She also appears to be bound in some sort of straitjacket, indicating that perhaps she required restraints after learning who her parents are. And that they gave her a name that should come with a therapy fund.

kimk-luggage

Kim Kardashian’s Boobs. Let Her Show You Them.

Instagram

Instagram

There have been snide rumors for months that Kanye West and Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci are having a torrid affair, thus explaining why they — separately or collectively — keep putting Kim Kardashian in comically unflattering outfits. Catty as that is, maybe it’s true, because otherwise we’re supposed to believe she spent four months away from the cameras — only to show up again looking like this?

Kim’s Paris Fashion Week ensembles have ranged from the mundane to the “no seriously, what is that,” and this dress definitely fell into the latter category. Insiders say she hasn’t lost all the baby weight she wants to, and since it’s the second clavicle gown she’s worn this week, I can only assume she’s trying to draw focus up up and away from her hips.

And speaking of her hips, the cutouts there seem to be revealing her Spanx. And while Spanx may be a girl’s best friend (trust me, Marilyn would’ve thought so too), they aren’t meant to be seen. It’s like wearing knee-high hose with a skirt.

Between this and the braless floppy boobs, it’s like Kim Kardashian spent her four months in hiding becoming someone’s memaw.

Here Are the Ugly Designer Clothes Kim Kardashian’s Baby Will Soon Be Forced to Wear

Instagram

Instagram

It’s been a few months since Kim Kardashian gave birth to baby girl North West and then promptly began ignoring her. But even though Kim left little Nori at home and jetted off to Paris Fashion Week, she still can’t forget about the kid — because a bunch of bourgeois fashion designers keep giving her baby clothes.

And since Kim can’t turn down free designer clothing any more than she can turn down film crews wanting to record a sham wedding, here are a few of the choice outfits that she’s thoughtfully posted to Instagram (mistakenly assuming people want to see them and not pictures of her ass).

Instagram

Instagram

First up we have a lab coat from Maison Martin Margiela, just in case North wants to cook Gerber meth or animate a dead body. Because what kid doesn’t want their own lab coat? Specifically before they can speak — a vital time for science experiments. Granted, when your parents are Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, learning about science (or anything other than the family tree) will probably not be encouraged. Continue reading

Kim Kardashian Is Still Trusting the Wrong People With Her Wardrobe

@kimkardashian, Instagram

@kimkardashian, Instagram

Pop quiz: If a designer essentially slipcovered you before one of the biggest fashion events of the year, would you let him dress you again?

If you said “no,” you’re not Kim Kardashian. Because this weekend, Givenchy creative director Riccardo Tisci — the same guy responsible for that monstrosity she wore to the Met Gala and “art directing” her into ridiculousness for the CR Fashion Book — went to work again to outfit her for Paris Fashion Week.

This time? He put Kimmy’s post-pregnancy form into a skin-tight sheath with a peplum that no one with hips should wear (ever) and a sheer bodice that didn’t allow her to harness her baby-feeders into the supportive bra they desperately need right now. The result: a dumpy, droopy Kim Kardashian.

Note this is not body-shaming. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Kim’s body. This is fashion-shaming. Either Riccardo’s avant-garde sensibilities (complete with strappy snow shoes and smelly car wrecks) aren’t suited for her hourglass shape, or she’s blithely‎ stuffing herself into unflattering clothes just like she did when she was knocked up.

Or maybe we can just blame Kanye West. He’s supposed to be some sort of fashion guru these days, and he’s also Riccardo’s bestie. Somehow, this has got to be his fault.

Myla Sinanaj Wants to Wear Kim Kardashian’s Skin as a Suit

Twitter

Twitter

Myla Sinanaj is the ex-girlfriend of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband Kris Humphries. Myla already bore a passing resemblance to Kim, but now she wants plastic surgery to look even more like her. She also made a really boring porno just for shits and giggles (and exposure that never came).

So Michael Musto sat down with her for Gawker and, in between contemplating slipping ricin into his own drink, delved into her psyche.

What do you hope to accomplish with all this?
I’m trying a little bit of everything—music, film, TV. Why not try everything until you hit one? I want to host a TV show. I liked the old shows that used to be on MTV, like TRL—or Inside Edition or E! News.

So, essentially, she’s just scattershotting the media until someone thinks she’s good at something. So far this has included a horrifying music video for a song called “I’m No Angel,” with lyrics like “Can you handle that I’m curvy?” and “Have no reality show, but I am able.” Television executives take note.

Since you do virtually all things Kim-related, will you also marry Kanye West and have a biracial baby?
I doubt it. He has too many anger issues for me. He recorded his album out of my hotel. I met him when he was coming to meet Kim in the hotel. He brushes everybody off and thinks he’s better than everybody. He was not, “Hi, how are you? How can I help you?” He was standoffish.

At this point Musto is openly mocking her and she either A) doesn’t realize it, or B) is playing some sort of character. You decide.

Regardless, she says she probably won’t have a baby with Kanye West because he’s rude (no shit, lady) and completely ignores the fact that he would have to agree to have sex with her first. To Myla Sinanaj, there’s no question.

At least he didn’t hit on you. You’ve said that Khloe Kardashian’s husband, Lamar Odom, did so twice. Why did you come forward with that?
It was an accident. I was asked, “What do you think of the cheating thing?” I said, “I’m not surprised because he hit on me.” Obviously I didn’t think anything of it because I never called him back. He’s not my type. Not physically. When you know, you know.

She came forward with that so people like Michael Musto would ask her about it. Hook, line and sinker. Musto then reminds her that Lamar is married and Myla classily responds, “Yeah, that too. If I did anything, it’d just be a one-night stand. It would be a waste of time.”

It’s always good to keep a one night affair on the table. Just in case.

What’s your sex appeal?
My personality. I’m really fun. When you’re fun, it makes you more attractive. I’m laid back. I’m super chill.

Here Myla morphs into every single profile we’ve ever read on OkCupid — announcing to the world that she’s fun, laid back AND chill. Who wouldn’t want to hang with a person like that? Notice she didn’t say she was pretty or good at anything. Literally, her number one talent is chilling ability. (Fellas?)

Musto then begins to talk about Kim, asking why she’s with Kanye. Myla says it’s for media attention (shocking) and claims any eventual marriage won’t last (go figure). After a brief discussion of Kim’s alleged plastic surgery and some banter about sucking fat off of body parts and injecting it into others, they get to Myla’s porn debut:

Were you at all embarrassed to do a sex tape?
It took me two months to finally say “OK” and do it. I realized that for the people who did sex tapes—Pamela, Paris, Kim—it worked out in their favor. For the record, whenever you hear about a sex tape being leaked, a major company can’t leak anything without your signed consent. It’s a setup.

It’s worth noting that Pamela Anderson’s tape was literally stolen from her home and hosted on the internet without her permission. The same thing happened to Hilton, who was awarded $400,000 in damages that she didn’t need because of it. Anyway.

Just as I suspected. But were you surprised that you could do all that for a camera?
I definitely was. I hadn’t even hooked up with somebody months prior to that. I was drinking wine that day, but it ended up OK. I’ve watched it many times. I’m used to it by now. It’s not that big of a deal. People make such a big deal out of it, as if they don’t have sex every night.

Well, we definitely don’t have calculated sex on camera to broker a deal with smut peddlers. But we get what you mean, Myla. NBD.

Kanye Gets Kim a Magazine Kover That’ll Probably Give Anna Wintour a Konniption

CR Fashion Book

CR Fashion Book

Word has it that Vogue empress Anna Wintour has such disdain for Kim Kardashian that none of the magazines owned by parent company Conde Nast can feature her on the cover. In fact, seems the only way Kim even got into the Met Ball this year after being banned before was to get herself knocked up by Anna’s boo Kanye West.

KK then showed up looking like a high school upholstery project, which could explain why she was cropped out of the official Vogue photos from the event. (But let’s be real here — that probably happened because Anna still thinks Kim is trash.)

Anyway, the point here is that Kanye hasn’t just been Kim’s boyfriend and babydaddy — he’s basically been the Henry Higgins to her Eliza Doolittle, taking a guttersnipe and turning her into (something that in the right light could maybe kinda sorta pass for) a lady.

Regardless, getting her the cover of the latest CR Fashion Book was one hell of a coup. Even if she does look utterly ridiculous.

The magazine is helmed by Carine Roitfeld, the former editor of French Vogue, and fashionistas are snickering that she put Kim on the cover as a not-so-subtle dig at Anna. (Jesus, could there possibly be anything more one-percent than a slapfight between Vogue editors?)

Karl Lagerfeld — who always looks like he’s smelling raw sewage at PRECISELY THIS MOMENT — took the photos of a very pregnant Kim, and the art direction was done by Givenchy’s Riccardo Tisci, the guy who designed that mess she wore to the Met Gala. So really, this shoot had no choice but to be a beautiful disaster.

On another note, are we about done with the whole “rich white people in grills” trend? Yes? Excellent.

CR Fashion Book

CR Fashion Book

CR Fashion Book

CR Fashion Book

CR Fashion Book

CR Fashion Book