Your Fantasy Boyfriend Jon Hamm Just Called Justin Bieber a ‘Shithead’

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

Back in 2012, ‘Mad Men’ star Jon Hamm famously said what everyone else was thinking when he told British Elle:

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

This hurt Kim’s widdle feewings and caused her to take an unprecedented break from her exhausting schedule of posting selfies and breastfeeding E! Online to shoot back (via Twitter, of course) with, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless.”

Then someone shot a laser pointer at the wall and she scampered off.

Hamm, however, is still adorably unafraid of speaking his mind, because our favorite non-sufferer of fools (and underwear) is now back in the news, telling truth about Justin Bieber to the May issue of Men’s Fitness:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’

You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish?’ Life skills are something we’re missing … just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”

He’s totally right, of course. Too bad Bieber’s parents are so worthless — his dad is a violent loser and his mom has always been too busy being a leech to give him any boundaries.

But never mind all that. Can we get Jon to write a YA book? “Life Lessons with Jon Hamm” would be a runaway bestseller.

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Here’s What Kanye Gave Kim for Christmas

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

Calling the Hermes Birkin bag a “purse” is like calling a Ferrari a “car.” It’s so well-known that it doesn’t even need a logo — the silhouette alone is recognized by fashionistas the world over — and thanks to a limited supply, a years-long waiting list and a high price tag (up to $150,000, depending on materials), the storied accessory is beloved by celebrities who don’t want to carry anything a peon like you would carry. For chrissakes, Forbes writes entire articles on how to buy one.

I provide this brief history only so you’ll understand the depth of the atrocity Kanye West committed in his Christmas gift to Kim Kardashian.

In its natural state (as God and Anna Wintour intended), the orange Birkin looks like this:

birkin

 
Tres dull. So of course Kanye commissioned someone to turn it into a fourth grade art project:
 

kim-kanye-birkin

 
And not only did Kim proudly post the “one of a kind” mess to Instagram, she carried it. In public. Where people could see her and everything.

So who’s responsible for committing such heinous handbag heresy? That would be “artist” George Condo, who also did the five covers for Kanye’s 2010 album “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” — including the one infamously banned by both Walmart and iTunes.

To recap: In the past month alone, artists commissioned by Yeezy have ruined the Kardashian Christmas card and debased a Birkin, and he himself had the nerve to get pissy when someone “disrespected his art.” Because he’s totes an arbiter of such things.

kanye

9 Bizarre Things in the Kardashians’ Kreepy Khristmas Kard

2013 kardashian christmas card

Merry, uh, post-apocalypse

Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.

Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.

We took a closer look, and here’s what we found:

1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)

Kim-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Mooooo

2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.

Kendall-Kylie-Jenner-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Maybe she’ll get a bartender for Christmas

3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!

4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.

5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.

6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.

Khloe-Kris-Kourtney-Bruce-Christmas-Card

In space and the Kardashian holiday card, no one can hear you scream

7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)

8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”

9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.

Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!

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Kris Jenner Wants You to Think She Didn’t Turn Cartwheels Over Kim’s Sex Tape

Kris Jenner has six kids, so dude — she’s tired. Motherhood is hard. Which is probably why she’s just ignoring youngest child Kylie until the obnoxious little brat turns 18 and can start earning her keep like all her siblings (well, except for Rob, but he’s a guy so no one wants to see his boobs anyway).

But even if Kris started shooting offspring out her vag like a bubble gun, it wouldn’t matter. Kim Kardashian would always be her favorite. After all, the only reason any of us have even heard of the Kardashian-Jenners is because Kim was willing to be a pee pad to Ray J‘s puppy.

The resulting sex tape made Kim’s entire family very rich and very famous — but let your heart bleed for Kris Jenner for a moment, because she says when she first learned of the celluloid gold, she “cried [herself] to sleep.” As she told Joan Rivers on the latest ep of “In Bed With Joan” (via Crushable):

“I’m somewhat of a, you know, religious person, and I keep that to myself. So I live a certain way and I feel a certain way, and I pray for my kids every day, and I’m so in love with my family life. And that hits me up the side of the head, and I literally fell apart.

I had to go in a room and cry for a couple days and say okay, pull yourself to-fucking-gether, because you have to be here for all these kids and your family and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.”

Imagine what would happen if Kris Jenner literally fell apart. You’d basically have a pile of breast implants, naked greed and strips of skin stretched tighter than a needlepoint canvas.

(Speaking of such, remember the “shave and a haircut” part of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” when Roger basically exploded trying to contain the TWWWWOOOO BIIIIIIIITS line? That’s what I like to imagine was going on in Joan Rivers’ head while she was listening to this shit.)

Anyway, assuming this story is even partially true (it’s not at all true), the “example” Kris set for her kids was that shame is for the poors and “famewhore” is among the noblest of professions.

Class dismissed.

Honey Boo Boo’s Family Spent Halloween Slumming As the Kardashians

Discovery

Discovery

The Thompsons of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” fame are often compared to the Kardashians (and if you ask us, the insulted parties here are the Thompsons). So this year, they full-on embraced it.

What you see above is a prettier version of the Kardashians, with 8-year-old Boo herself channeling Kris Jenner, her dad Sugar Bear as Bruce Jenner (back when he still had a human face), both Mama June and Uncle Poodle as Kim Kardashian, Anna as Kourtney Kardashian, Kaitlyn as daughter Penelope Disick, Pumpkin as a hilariously spot-on Scott Disick, and Jessica as Khloe Kardashian.

June told People her clan is “just the redneck version” of America’s First Family of Famewhoredom, and while that may be true, we’d rather share a trailer with them than a palace with the Kardashians. At least the Thompsons have some class.

Kris Jenner Finally Convinced Kanye West That Privacy Is for the Poors

Welcome to the family. Go make us some money.

Welcome to the family. Now go make us some money.

Now that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are officially betrothed, the only questions that remain are when they’ll get married, how they’ll get married, and how much jack they’ll squeeze from the suckers who care.

On Monday, he told Power 106′s “Big Boy’s Neighborhood” morning show (via Complex) the big day will be sometime next summer, and that he had two words in mind for the nuptials: “Fighter jets.” (If only he’d said “drone strikes,” I could finally get behind that whole program.)

Just a few months ago, Kim said Kanye had taught her “a lot about privacy” and that she was “ready to be a little less open about some things” because she’s “learned to understand the importance of privacy and boundaries.”

But when Yeezy was asked yesterday whether his wedding would be televised, it was clear things have changed — so ka-ching, ka-ching, let the reality show kash registers ring.

“I would take as much [money] as possible … What’s official for everybody in this room and everybody on this globe right now is them bills. If you can help out with those bills, because you know me and Kim are in the exploitation business. We get paid to exploit ourselves.”

The interview is below. Listen hard and you might even hear Kris Jenner chanting “ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US” in the background.

Kim Kardashian Says Giving Birth Made Her Vagina Even Prettier

Her gynecologist is in for a treat

Her gynecologist is in for a treat

No matter what you’ve heard, the “miracle of childbirth” isn’t so much a miracle as it is evolution and biology coming together (so to speak) to produce a shiny new person and, quite often, a vagina that needs little orange cones placed around it and a blinking “closed for repairs” sign.

Unless, of course, you’re Kim Kardashian. Then your ladyparts go through the process and come out on the other side looking super pristine, like a muddy Jeep after a car wash and detail.

Fishwrapper reports Kim’s mouth produced these words in this order:

“When I came back from the hospital, the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better than before.”

Herpa derp. Gotta peep the moneymaker and be sure nothing’s out of place (and that Kanye and Riccardo Tisci didn’t dress it up like a daybed or hang beaded curtains in the windows or anything).

But hey, she probably wasn’t serious anyway. Everyone knows the first thing she really did when she got home was pass off her kid to a waiting fleet of nannies.

Bruce Jenner Wasn’t Invited to Kanye’s Proposal

bruce-jenner-900-6002

Even though lots of familiar faces were present when Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian, one distinctive (and disturbing) face wasn’t – Bruce Jenner‘s. That’s because Kanye didn’t even invite him.

TMZ reports that Bruce didn’t learn of the engagement until after the fact, and that he and Kanye have never had a “real conversation.” (Implying any of the Kardashians know what a real conversation is.)

It’s not clear why Bruce wasn’t invited, but if cake was served afterwards they probably just wanted everyone to have an appetite. And even though Bruce is her step-dad, Kim considers him her real father, and he got the first call after the engagement. How sweet.

Of course, If Bruce had gone, he probably would have gotten into an argument and been turned into a newt by Kanye’s Yeezus powers. And trust us, you do not want to see a newt with Bruce Jenner’s head. Everything worked out for the best.

If the San Francisco Giants Never Win Again, It’s All Kanye West’s Fault

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Once upon a time, the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth, aka “The Bambino,” to the New York Yankees. What followed was an 86-year period during which the (previously super successful) Sox didn’t win a single World Series title — something that was blamed on the “Curse of the Bambino.”

Earlier this week, Kanye West demurely (it wasn’t demure) proposed to Kim Kardashian in the middle of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. And now pissed-off Giants fans are terrified the act may have cursed the beloved ballpark, leaving the team with the “Curse of the Famewhore-o.” (Shut up. I like symmetry.)

 
You couldn’t sully Dodger Stadium, Kanye? You live in Los Angeles. Keep that shit at home.

Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing Van Halen t-shirts and breaking up the band.
 

Kanye and Kim Are Engaged Now

clydehairgod, Instagram

clydehairgod, Instagram

A few days ago, an entire orchestra of sad trombones blared on the news that Kanye West was never ever going to marry Kim Kardashian. Like, ever.

But the tabloids might want to put a stop payment on those checks they gave their “exclusive inside sources” because hey, guess what? Kanye and Kim are engaged now. For realsies.

In events documented by E! (which should really just change its name to K! already), Kanye supposedly asked Kris Jenner for Kim’s hand in marriage, causing her to produce a machete, hack off her daughter’s hand and have it boxed for Kanye at Tiffany because MAMA NEEDS RATINGS.

So last night — Kim’s 33rd birthday — Kanye sullied my adopted hometown of San Francisco by renting out AT&T Park, flashing “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” on the score board, and dropping to one knee to pop the question with a 15-carat ring as a 50-piece band played.

When she said “yes” (because as a twice-divorced single mother in her 30s with a porno in her past and a dying reality franchise, it’s not like she’s gonna get a better offer), fireworks went off and her friends and family poured out of the dugouts.

hot97, Instagram

hot97, Instagram

Good thing Kanye’s been teaching Kim all about the value of privacy. Imagine what a bombastic shitshow this would’ve been otherwise.