Khloe Kardashian Is Giving Lamar Odom Divorce Papers for Christmas

sad trombone

Now that Kim Kardashian and Yeezus are engaged, The Mother doesn’t need Khloe Kardashian‘s marital drama for ratings anymore — so Lamar Odom is being tossed on the scrapheap of misfit Kardashian husbands. (Oh HAI, Kris Humphries. ‘sup?)

Khloe Kardashian is filing for divorce from Lamar Odom … TODAY.

Sources tell us, Khloe will be citing irreconcilable differences in her legal docs. The split should be pretty cut and dry — an ironclad prenup which kept all their assets separate … and no kids.

The end was a long time coming … Khloe had expressed dire concerns about the marriage ever since she learned about Lamar’s crack addiction earlier this year, but she forestalled divorce for fear he’d OD or worse.

The couple got married in September of 2009 after an extended one-month courtship, and many people didn’t think it would last. And while you may think a four-year marriage means it didn’t last, just remember it was like 20 times longer than Kim’s marriage to Kris. A love story for the ages, if you will.

Meanwhile, with two younger sisters at home, “So You Think You Can Marry a Kardashian” is already scouting NBA stars for next season.

saggyballs

9 Bizarre Things in the Kardashians’ Kreepy Khristmas Kard

2013 kardashian christmas card

Merry, uh, post-apocalypse

Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.

Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.

We took a closer look, and here’s what we found:

1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)

Kim-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Mooooo

2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.

Kendall-Kylie-Jenner-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Maybe she’ll get a bartender for Christmas

3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!

4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.

5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.

6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.

Khloe-Kris-Kourtney-Bruce-Christmas-Card

In space and the Kardashian holiday card, no one can hear you scream

7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)

8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”

9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.

Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!

The Kardashians Are Shutting Down Just Like Our Government

E!

E!

Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.

TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.

Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.

Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?

Ether way, we don’t really care.

Khloe Kardashian Might Divorce Lamar Odom. Or Eat His Head. One or the Other.

I'll love you until I'm skinny enough to attract new prey

I’ll love you until I’m skinny enough to attract new prey

The Kardashian franchise is getting a bit stale, so The Mother (copyright Joe Odom) apparently told Khloe it’s time to cut husband Lamar Odom loose.

If you look at the Kardashian women like a pack of feral cats and their men like wounded rodents that are sadistically toyed with before being killed and eaten, you’ll see there was no other way for this to end. But because the family’s reality show is under contract for a couple more seasons (and no one really seems to give a shit about Kim‘s baby anymore), THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

So we’re all supposed to pretend Khloe’s trying — really trying — to save the marriage, even as some of The Mother’s hired hands did a sympathy grab by telling People that Khloe “just doesn’t know if she can work this out” and “it’s like the situation is just too far gone at this point for a split to be anything but unavoidable.”

At the same time, The Mother anonymous sources told TMZ that Lamar went to the couple’s home on Tuesday to talk, but while he was there, Khloe “found a pipe with a stash that looked like crack in a baggie” and “went ballistic, calling Lamar a ‘liar’ and telling him, ‘I’m done with you’” before throwing him out of the house.

But then BUT THEN Khloe tweeted this:

And OMG YOU GUYS she signed it KKO instead of just KK and that TOTALLY MATTERS because she took “Odom” out of her name on her social media profiles last week so since she included the O in what was obviously a HIGHLY PERSONAL note to Lamar, maybe true love will prevail.

Or least enough of the illusion of it to last through several episodes of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” anyway.
 

Lamar Odom’s Father Shades the Kardashians, Has More Sense Than His Son

Twitter

Twitter

Lamar Odom — husband of the super-sad emo-quote-posting Khloe Kardashian — was lured from his underground crack den today to defend those helpless Kardashians from the scurrilous words uttered by his own father.

Joe Odom gave an exclusive interview to Radar yesterday, and it was divine. Here are just a few of his choice quotes:

“The mother has been talking a lot of trash about my son, saying he’s on drugs and stuff like that. She’s got something against my son, something against my family. Kris Jenner is very negative. She’s an evil bitch. She doesn’t care about Lamar, she just cares about their image and money.”

“[The Kardashians] don’t give a fuck about my son. It’s more about the damage they do to the Kardashian brand. They brought him down. He’d be better off without them. Let him go, get his life together.”

“I wish he had never got married to Khloe to be honest. She’s controlling. Those Kardashian women all are. You get married they think they wear the pants. You just bring them your whole paycheck, that’s how it works.”

So! It looks like Joe totally knows what’s up.

But The Mother (God how I love that) must have sent word to Lamar to sober up, sucker, because no one could find his Twitter password and the shit one of her minions wrote would be a lot harder to pass off as his if it didn’t actually come from his account.

And suddenly, after more than two months of silence, Lamar’s account was alive with the sound of shade. First there was this:

But people probably thought that was about the Kardashians (hey, if the heavily-sponsored shoe fits), which meant a much wordier follow-up was in order:

Won’t continue 2 speak on this but I have got 2 let this out real quick. I have let this man and many others get away with a lot of shit. He wasn’t there 2 raise me. He was absent ALL of my life due to his own demons. My mother and grandmother raised me. Queens raised me.

For the first time since they left, came a blessing of a FAMILY that I married into. FAMILY. That man wasn’t even invited to my wedding. He has never met my mother in law and some of my other family. How can a man who has NOT once called me to check on my well being have the nerve to talk so recklessly about his own “son”. He is my downfall! His own demons may be the ONLY thing he gave 2 me.

He disrespecting the ONLY FAMILY that has loved me without expecting anything in return. They are the ONLY ones that have been here consistently 4 me during this dark time. Only person 2 blame is myself. Say what you want about me but leave the ones who have done nothing but protect and love me out of this! This goes to out to everyone!

Lamar’s sudden burst of Kardashian family pride may or may not have something to do with the fact that The Mother is the one who hired prominent lawyer Robert Shapiro to rep Lamar in his DUI case. TMZ says his arraignment is on Friday, and someone (either Shapiro or Lamar himself) has to show up, or an arrest warrant will be issued.

Everyone’s pretty sure Lamar won’t be there, which means if Shapiro is suddenly off the case — because maybe, you know, The Mother pulls him — Lamar’s legal woes could get incrementally worse.

But that probably has nothing to do with any of this. Nothing at all.

Khloe Kardashian’s Broken Heart Is Soothed by Private Planes and Emo Quotes

Instagram

Instagram

Lamar Odom may or may not have a crack problem so bad that even his own dealer cut him off, but his wife Khloe Kardashian hasn’t spoken about it publicly — choosing instead to let her iPhone camera and Instagram account do the talking for her.

As a result we’ve seen a steady stream of pensive, super-flattering selfies to show everyone that while she may be heartbroken, she still looks great. Oh, she could retreat from the spotlight to deal with her personal trauma in private, but only the poors do shit like that.

She’s a Kardashian, by God. And since that’s a 24/7 job, she bravely boarded a private jet in LA on Wednesday and flew off to a promotional appearance in Vegas. But first, she and sister Kourtney and a friend struck a pose on the plane’s steps and took a photo that Khloe selflessly uploaded. For you.

When she got some backlash that essentially amounted to “THIS BITCH,” she made like a 14-year-old girl and pulled this from her Trapper Keeper:

Instagram

Instagram

In other words, Yeah, I’m acting like I’m not at all upset that my husband might be dead of an overdose at this very moment, but know that I’m crying ON THE INSIDE.

Then Pimp Mama Kris (copyright Michael K.) sprang into action, rang up her old friend Harvey Levin at TMZ, and reported Lamar was last seen getting a blowie from a drag queen while doing a Nazi salute and kicking puppies.