Katy Perry seems like a nice enough lady. She’s always bubbly and playful. But beneath that jovial veneer lies something sinister: ecoterrorism.
Perry’s latest album “Prism” (aside from being pretty damn catchy) comes in several different special editions, many of which contain seeds to plant and “spread the light” — seeds that Australian officials say could destroy their ecosystem and murder everything they hold dear (or something).
Although Australian versions of the album have seeds sourced from Western Australia, international versions might bring demon Polish seeds, or other kinds, into the country. So says the Department of Agriculture (via Rolling Stone):
“Seeds or plant material of international origin may be a weed not present in Australia or the host of a plant pathogen of biosecurity concern. The Australian Government has a strong system in place to detect and respond to material of biosecurity concern. This includes the inspection of mail, cargo and baggage.”
So if you’re an Aussie who wants to plant Perry’s perilous foreign seeds, prepare to hear the (amusingly-accented) roar of the government.
Miley Cyrus recently gave a facepalm-worthy interview to Cosmo that we’ve ignored thus far because for chrissakes, we’ve palmed our faces about her enough lately and touching your face causes acne and shit.
That said, for reasons we’ll explain in minute, we do have to call out this bit where Miley stopped complimenting herself long enough to say:
“The support of other artists is important because there are not many people who can relate to what I’m going through right now. Kanye West is one of those people, and even Katy Perry has been so cool … for Katy to say that she appreciates what I’m really doing for the pop industry, that keeps you going.”
Seems Katy has since had a change of heart, though, because in an NPR interview that aired on Saturday, she bemoaned the unclothed state of many of her contemporaries. She wouldn’t name names, but you don’t need a calculator to do the math here.
“I mean, it’s like everybody’s so naked. It’s like, put it away. We know you’ve got it. I got it too … I’ve taken it out here and there. And I’m not necessarily judging. I’m just saying sometimes it’s nice to play that card but also it’s nice to play other cards. And I know I have that sexy card in my deck but I don’t always have to use that card.”
Yeah, she’s probably shading Rihanna and Ke$ha and Lady Gaga too, but you know Miley’s mushy ass had to be the majorette leading that little parade.
To recap: The girl who once did this in a video thinks it’s time everyone got dressed and started acting like ladies.
Katy Perry is a very difficult pop star to hate. But beneath her beautiful, bubbly veneer must lie some pretty sinister thoughts, because last night at her IHeartRadio album release party (via Gossipcop), she exposed the world to her terrifying secret: She once kept locks of both Miley Cyrus’ and Taylor Swift’s hair in her purse.
“The first time I was at the Grammys, I shared a dressing room with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. I asked for a lock of hair from each. I put little bows around them and put them in my empty purse and carried it around with me.”
So not only was she carrying around locks of hair from these ladies, she was doing so inside an otherwise empty purse. She had a designated hair purse. But at least she knows how that sounds:
“That was really creepy, but awesome. And that’s my secret. And I’m a freak.”
Alright, maybe she isn’t a serial killer. Maybe she’s a voodoo high priestess using the hair samples to control both starlets. Maybe Katy Perry spends her nights alone in a room forcing her Taylor Swift doll to do weird things that will get her dumped. Like putting jam on meat or licking door knobs.
And maybe Katy Perry was the driving force behind Miley’s VMA performance, laughing maniacally in her dressing room as she made Miley twerk uncontrollably. Or … maybe not.
That said, if we had to be murdered by someone, Katy Perry would be our first choice. Preferably by smothering.
Always wear a watch with Barbara. It’s for your own protection.
Okay, maybe that’s not entirely accurate. But look, when Katy Perry told Billboard about her own 2011 sit-down with Barbara Walters, here’s how she recalled it:
“I shouldn’t have done the interview: I was playing Madison Square Garden that same night, and I knew that the end of my marriage [to Russell Brand] was coming. I was just exhausted and stressed.
“I’d prepped everyone that I was running late, but Barbara showed up at the original time anyway. When I got there, I apologized immediately, but then she said to me, ‘You know, I’ve only ever waited for one other person this long, and you know who that person was? Judy Garland. You know how she turned out, right?’
“I was like, ‘Oh, snap! Yes, bitch!’”
Jesus. Barbara Walters takes punctuality very seriously, you guys. (And we thought Oprah was the baddest bitch with a mic.)
For her part, Babs said on Monday’s ep of “The View” that she’s sorry if she was too harsh: “Katy, if I made you feel at all unhappy, during a time when you were obviously unhappy, and I didn’t know, I’m sorry … But you can’t always know!”
Regardless, Katy actually wears Walters’ threat like a badge of honor:
“I think it’s the coolest thing that Barbara Walters shaded me. I just couldn’t tell her as we were sitting down for a mega-interview, ‘Hey, my marriage is falling apart. Give me a break.’”
Katy Perry‘s “Roar” has overtaken Robin Thicke‘s “Blurred Lines” on the charts (good riddance), and that’s something worth celebrating. But the video for “Roar” also has some truly disturbing messages. It’s earth-shattering, and it will change your perceptions of life and death. (No, really.)
For the faint of heart, we’ve compiled an expedient guide to events as they occur. Join us, won’t you?
:02 - Apparently we are watching a “Motion theory adventure.” What the shit is that?
:08 - Cigarette burn in the film. We all get refunds!
:09 - Goddamnit. Nevermind.
:12 - Katy Perry emerges from a plane crash unscathed. (In case of emergency, use your boobs as a floatation device.)
:17 - A poor man’s Crocodile Dundee snaps a selfie in the middle of the plane wreckage, as the screams of the injured and dying fill his ears.
I admit that as a 28-year-old man, I’m not really in Katy Perry‘s target demographic. But teenage girls love her, as do creepy guys who don’t realize they can just watch actual porn. She’s like … bubble gum porn.
Even still, I haven’t been able to avoid the press machine for her upcoming album, “Prism.” Which is being promoted by the release of the music video for the song “Roar.” Which was promoted by a lyric video and several preview videos. Even the song itself was heavily previewed, with several publicity videos created before the premiere of the song — which just ended up being leaked early anyway.
The frustrating thing about all this is that the music industry is at the point now where they’re promoting the promotions. Singles and music videos are essentially meant to be commercials for the album — so a preview for a single is essentially a preview of a commercial, as it were.
To me, that just shows the state of the industry. They’re not promoting the release of an album anymore, because that doesn’t seem to be the big cash draw now. They just want Katy Perry to stay a celebrity so they can make money off of her. And her boobs. (I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but she has big boobs.)
Even “Roar” is just a recycled Sara Bareilles track. It really is the same song, only sung by somebody who dresses like a stripper — allowing little girls to feel empowered by the lyrics and creepy guys to do the things they do.
And that’s the problem with celebrity: People care more about the spectacle than the product. Katy Perry fans don’t care that the song is LITERALLY something that’s already been done — because they don’t care about the song.
Which begs the question … why bother even making music at all?