There’s A Religion Based on Kanye West And Now We Have To Break Something

Yeezianity.com

Yeezianity.com

It’s a well established fact that Kanye West has believed he is a deity (douchity?) for some time. Now some asshole has validated him by creating Yeezianity – a new religion that professes Kanye is a messenger from god. It’s just what we need.

This is, unfortunately, a real group “who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is a divine being who has been sent by God to usher in a New Age of humanity.” Seriously.

The founder of the pseudo-religion – who wishes to remain anonymous – gave an interview with Noisey and explained himself, claiming he was serious but spouting such inane bullshit that anyone with a vague grasp of who Kanye West is wouldn’t be able to believe him:

“First of all, he is the most honest person in our culture. He has the highest moral standards and highest integrity. He is the most creative person. And as it’s typical with creative people, he gets a lot of flack from the lower minded masses. It’s not even that they don’t like him, it’s that they don’t know what he’s doing because the press gives it this negative spin all the time. And now it’s people feed on it so it’s this constant negative trance. But, like, College Dropout is probably still my favorite album of all-time.”

Hear that? Kanye has the highest moral standards. He’s also the most creative. (Somewhere, Lady Gaga is hanging up a hat made of catheter tubes and weeping.)

The religion has 5 pillars, which is a complete rip off of Islam (which ripped off Christianity, which ripped off the Torah). You’d think a religion devoted to creativity would try harder. Regardless, they are as follows:

1. All things created must be for the good of all
2. No human being’s right to express themselves must ever be repressed
3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange
4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs
5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

Sounds pretty good, right? It also sounds like vague platitudes that Phillip Seymour Hoffman might spit out in a blooper reel for “The Master.” Not the mention that we’ve never seen Kanye West disown any money.

Other pillars that should be considered include:

1. Thou shalt have your body guards beat the shit out of people for minor inconveniences

or

2. Thou shalt wear a mask to protect thine heavenly artistic integrity

Yezianity is pretty much all set to start a new crusade – kicking photographers in the balls and setting up shrines to Dat Azzz® everywhere. Now we just have to wait for Richard Dawkins to run into a member of the church on the street for an impromptu debate.

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Here’s What Kanye Gave Kim for Christmas

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

Calling the Hermes Birkin bag a “purse” is like calling a Ferrari a “car.” It’s so well-known that it doesn’t even need a logo — the silhouette alone is recognized by fashionistas the world over — and thanks to a limited supply, a years-long waiting list and a high price tag (up to $150,000, depending on materials), the storied accessory is beloved by celebrities who don’t want to carry anything a peon like you would carry. For chrissakes, Forbes writes entire articles on how to buy one.

I provide this brief history only so you’ll understand the depth of the atrocity Kanye West committed in his Christmas gift to Kim Kardashian.

In its natural state (as God and Anna Wintour intended), the orange Birkin looks like this:

birkin

 
Tres dull. So of course Kanye commissioned someone to turn it into a fourth grade art project:
 

kim-kanye-birkin

 
And not only did Kim proudly post the “one of a kind” mess to Instagram, she carried it. In public. Where people could see her and everything.

So who’s responsible for committing such heinous handbag heresy? That would be “artist” George Condo, who also did the five covers for Kanye’s 2010 album “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” — including the one infamously banned by both Walmart and iTunes.

To recap: In the past month alone, artists commissioned by Yeezy have ruined the Kardashian Christmas card and debased a Birkin, and he himself had the nerve to get pissy when someone “disrespected his art.” Because he’s totes an arbiter of such things.

kanye

9 Bizarre Things in the Kardashians’ Kreepy Khristmas Kard

2013 kardashian christmas card

Merry, uh, post-apocalypse

Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.

Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.

We took a closer look, and here’s what we found:

1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)

Kim-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Mooooo

2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.

Kendall-Kylie-Jenner-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Maybe she’ll get a bartender for Christmas

3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!

4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.

5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.

6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.

Khloe-Kris-Kourtney-Bruce-Christmas-Card

In space and the Kardashian holiday card, no one can hear you scream

7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)

8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”

9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.

Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!

Kanye West Has Forsaken His People

Twitter

Twitter

Kanye West has cancelled his Yeezus tour concert in Vancouver tonight after a truck in his holy caravan got into an accident, damaging a video truss and the 60 foot, oval LED screen you see above.

TMZ reports that Ye’s also cancelling shows in Anaheim, Denver and Minneapolis because of the incident, claiming the pieces are “central to the creative vision” and that the show can’t go on without them. Because some musicians aren’t any good if you’re not distracted by flashing lights and shit.

But this begs a very important question: why didn’t Kanye, with his omnipotence and omniscience, prevent this catastrophe? Why didn’t he use his divine Yeezus powers to send the other car to Albania seconds before it hit his truck?

Guess what, Vancouver? If Kanye wanted to perform for you he would have prevented this. Just like how he failed to prevent that Indonesian Tusunami in 2004.

So next time you cry to the heavens about why Miley Cyrus hasn’t been stricken with muteness or your cat vomited on your shoes, just realize that Kanye is sitting up there, arms crossed, sipping from his golden chalice and whispering “Not Yeezus’ problem, bitches.”

 

Kris Jenner Finally Convinced Kanye West That Privacy Is for the Poors

Welcome to the family. Go make us some money.

Welcome to the family. Now go make us some money.

Now that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are officially betrothed, the only questions that remain are when they’ll get married, how they’ll get married, and how much jack they’ll squeeze from the suckers who care.

On Monday, he told Power 106′s “Big Boy’s Neighborhood” morning show (via Complex) the big day will be sometime next summer, and that he had two words in mind for the nuptials: “Fighter jets.” (If only he’d said “drone strikes,” I could finally get behind that whole program.)

Just a few months ago, Kim said Kanye had taught her “a lot about privacy” and that she was “ready to be a little less open about some things” because she’s “learned to understand the importance of privacy and boundaries.”

But when Yeezy was asked yesterday whether his wedding would be televised, it was clear things have changed — so ka-ching, ka-ching, let the reality show kash registers ring.

“I would take as much [money] as possible … What’s official for everybody in this room and everybody on this globe right now is them bills. If you can help out with those bills, because you know me and Kim are in the exploitation business. We get paid to exploit ourselves.”

The interview is below. Listen hard and you might even hear Kris Jenner chanting “ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US” in the background.

Bruce Jenner Wasn’t Invited to Kanye’s Proposal

bruce-jenner-900-6002

Even though lots of familiar faces were present when Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian, one distinctive (and disturbing) face wasn’t – Bruce Jenner‘s. That’s because Kanye didn’t even invite him.

TMZ reports that Bruce didn’t learn of the engagement until after the fact, and that he and Kanye have never had a “real conversation.” (Implying any of the Kardashians know what a real conversation is.)

It’s not clear why Bruce wasn’t invited, but if cake was served afterwards they probably just wanted everyone to have an appetite. And even though Bruce is her step-dad, Kim considers him her real father, and he got the first call after the engagement. How sweet.

Of course, If Bruce had gone, he probably would have gotten into an argument and been turned into a newt by Kanye’s Yeezus powers. And trust us, you do not want to see a newt with Bruce Jenner’s head. Everything worked out for the best.

If the San Francisco Giants Never Win Again, It’s All Kanye West’s Fault

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Once upon a time, the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth, aka “The Bambino,” to the New York Yankees. What followed was an 86-year period during which the (previously super successful) Sox didn’t win a single World Series title — something that was blamed on the “Curse of the Bambino.”

Earlier this week, Kanye West demurely (it wasn’t demure) proposed to Kim Kardashian in the middle of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. And now pissed-off Giants fans are terrified the act may have cursed the beloved ballpark, leaving the team with the “Curse of the Famewhore-o.” (Shut up. I like symmetry.)

 
You couldn’t sully Dodger Stadium, Kanye? You live in Los Angeles. Keep that shit at home.

Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing Van Halen t-shirts and breaking up the band.
 

Kanye Performed With Jesus, Too

 Instagram

Instagram

Before Kanye was misspelling pretentious marriage proposals, he was “performing” his “music.” That’s what happened in Seattle last weekend where he kicked off his Yeezus tour to shock and awe the world by performing with some dude dressed up as Jesus.

MTV news reports that after getting done with most of his set, a familiar Nazarene figure emerged, causing Kanye to proclaim:

“White Jesus, is that you? Oh, shit!”

He was probably shocked because he’s a trained anthropologist and can tell you that no white person emerged out of bronze age Palestine. Let alone ones holding microphones.

Other times during the set a choir of ladies dressed in robes with strange sacks over their faces came out and did something akin to Gregorian chants, and they closed by bowing to Jesus, who stood on top of a large mountain.

So, essentially, Kanye’s treading on territory Madonna covered nearly 25 years ago but being even more preachy about it.

Slow down, Ye. You could cut yourself on all that edginess.

Kanye and Kim Are Engaged Now

clydehairgod, Instagram

clydehairgod, Instagram

A few days ago, an entire orchestra of sad trombones blared on the news that Kanye West was never ever going to marry Kim Kardashian. Like, ever.

But the tabloids might want to put a stop payment on those checks they gave their “exclusive inside sources” because hey, guess what? Kanye and Kim are engaged now. For realsies.

In events documented by E! (which should really just change its name to K! already), Kanye supposedly asked Kris Jenner for Kim’s hand in marriage, causing her to produce a machete, hack off her daughter’s hand and have it boxed for Kanye at Tiffany because MAMA NEEDS RATINGS.

So last night — Kim’s 33rd birthday — Kanye sullied my adopted hometown of San Francisco by renting out AT&T Park, flashing “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” on the score board, and dropping to one knee to pop the question with a 15-carat ring as a 50-piece band played.

When she said “yes” (because as a twice-divorced single mother in her 30s with a porno in her past and a dying reality franchise, it’s not like she’s gonna get a better offer), fireworks went off and her friends and family poured out of the dugouts.

hot97, Instagram

hot97, Instagram

Good thing Kanye’s been teaching Kim all about the value of privacy. Imagine what a bombastic shitshow this would’ve been otherwise.
 

Kanye’s Getting Kim’s Milk for Free So He Won’t Marry the Cow. Or, You Know, Something.

Ring? Only if it's a NuvaRing.

Ring? Only if it’s a NuvaRing.

Kanye West may be happy to dress up Kim Kardashian like his own life-sized Money-Can’t-Buy-Taste Barbie, but don’t ask him to put a ring on it. He’s way too evolved for that shit.

At least according to a Radar Online source, who snitched:

“Kanye is telling friends that he’ll never marry Kim. He has no need or desire to make their relationship official in the eyes of the law [and] prefers the idea of them as ‘partners’ … He sees marriage as outdated and he’s all about embracing the modern and the new. He doesn’t feel like he has to marry Kim just because they have a baby together.”

But hey, Kim’s all “evs” about it because she was supposedly so humiliated when her made-for-TV wedding to Kris Humphries fell down and went boom that she’s not anxious to tie the knot again. (That little “humiliation” earning her upwards of $17 million must have eased the pain. I’ve had more embarrassing relationships for free.)

“It took her a while to learn the value of privacy,” the insider said with a remarkably straight face, “but she’s getting there thanks to Kanye’s influence.”

The selfie Kim recently posted of her own ass — and Kanye’s public proclamation that he was rushing home to tap it — notwithstanding, of course.

[Photo via Instagram]