We Watched Justin Bieber’s ‘All That Matters’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

 Justin Bieber‘s new single (probably about Selena Gomez) “All that Matters” has leaked, featuring him singing and acting like a complete idiot atop the Great Wall of China while a group of grown men mill around in the background lusting after him doing official posse stuff.

We scoped it out for you.

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Justin Bieber Is Still Starting Fights His Bodyguards Have to Finish

Isn't it past your bedtime?

Isn’t it past your bedtime, brah?

A few days ago, Justin Bieber posted a photo of himself pulling several Gs so he’d look like he had muscles, and I mused that if he keeps working out, he might someday win fights like a man instead of letting his bodyguards do the dirty work (as is his way). But that day has not yet come. [ more >> ]

Aw. Justin Bieber’s Moobs Finally Came In.

Nice rack.

Nice rack.

When Justin Bieber isn’t peeing in mop buckets or toking up or being carried around like the delicate flower he is, he hangs out with a personal trainer who puts him through grueling daily paces that include 100 daily reps of “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.”

And it looks like all that hard work finally paid off — because here’s Bieber and the aforementioned trainer, who looks totally smug about the fact that Justin busted out of his training bra and is now a solid B cup.

Keep up the good work, Biebs. Someday, you may even be able to win bar fights fair and square.

[Photo via Instagram]

Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Justin Bieber, Partially Redeems Herself

Last night was, as we all know, “Bangerz” Eve – the night before Miley Cyrus‘ new album dropped and her months-long media blitz came to an end.

She celebrated by tweeting her new “Reefer Fever” shirt that’s emblazoned with Justin Bieber‘s squinting face, a joint and pot leaves.

To give credit where credit is due, this is actually pretty funny. Especially considering that she told Rolling Stone the two hardly ever spoke. Not to mention the double pun on “Bieber Fever.” Two extra points for that.

But she does have her tongue out in the picture, so subtract one point.

Overall, we’ll give this an 7/10. Well Played, Miles.

It’s Times Like This We’re Really Glad Justin Bieber’s Not American

Aside from squeezing out some sponges, things have been relatively quiet on the Justin Bieber front lately. But that’s only because his world tour was on break. Once it cranked up again, the Biebs went back to being the glaring exception to that whole “Canadians are awesome” rule.

While in China on Monday, he had his bodyguards hoist him on their shoulders and carry him — like the pretty pretty princess he is — to the top of the Great Wall. (Maybe he was afraid he’d break a heel.)

Twitter

Twitter

Later that day, he made his bodyguards really earn their keep by forcing them to run alongside him as he skateboarded through the streets of Beijing. [ more >> ]

Vanilla Ice Totes Agrees with Miley About Justin Bieber, You Guys

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Twitter

Remember that Rolling Stone interview Miley Cyrus did wherein she told Justin Bieber to get his shit together already or he’d end up like Vanilla Ice? Well, Vanilla Ice sure does (almost as well as he remembers the tune of “Under Pressure”), and he’s so happy to be mentioned in a major media outlet that he doesn’t even care that she called him a complete and total loser.

TMZ caught up with Mr. Ice, aka Rob Van Winkle, meaning he hounded them with calls until they’d run a story about him. Rob says he agrees with Miley, understands the spot Justin’s in right now, and that only the Biebs himself can pull the trigger of change.

“It’s like living an artificial life,” Rob said. “When the dust settles, no one can figure it out or help you but yourself.”

In an homage to Miley’s “Rolling $tone” foot tattoos, he also included this photo of “Miley Cyru$” written on the bottoms of his own feet like some sort of “To Catch A Predator” perp on web cam. Also, he’s wearing a shirt that reads “Hello! My name is: Ninja.”

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze” came out 22 years ago, Rob. Yeah, you were dope in it and everything but … let it go.

Shhh. Shhhh. No more tears. Only MCs cooked like pounds of bacon. 

Justin Bieber Kicked Lils Twist and Za to the Curb

Instagram

Instagram

In case you didn’t know, Justin Bieber has been letting his two famewhore hooligan pals Lil Za and Lil Twist shack up in his home while they terrorize Calabasas, CA and attempt to leverage their friendship with Justin to get an MTV reality show.

But alas, Justin kicked them out of his castle when, after returning home from a leg of his tour, he discovered several pieces of his jewelry were missing.

TMZ, citing mysterious sources, says while the bling went MIA during one or more raucous parties that took place in Justin’s absence, he blamed Twist and Za for the thefts happening on their watch — and ordered them both out. Still though, he doesn’t know who has the stolen merch (any chance Lindsay Lohan was at these soirees?).

Tattletales also told TMZ that Justin is privately acknowledging he needs to change and maybe give up his troublemaking ways of late, which have included blowing off shows and treating airplanes like Coloradan smoke lounges.

While it’s sad to think that Justin felt the need to account for every piece of jewelry and tapestry in his home after a journey, we’re glad that’s all over now. He apparently isn’t ready to go public with the story yet, but the image of Twist and Za walking down the road in the rain to the sad “Charlie Brown Christmas” theme is pretty fantastic.

Meanwhile, Za must be under the impression that Morley Safer or Anderson Cooper want to get in on this hot story, because earlier today he tweeted:

Muhfukkas wanna keep up with this bullshit I got some stories for you, who wanna have a sit down? CNN? 60minutes?

But just as quickly as he said it, he deleted it. Maybe he’s not quite ready to burn that bridge just yet. Even if he has to sleep under it for a few days first.

Five Movies Justin Bieber Would’ve Been Even Worse In Than ‘Batman vs Superman’

The Instagram photo that made a million fanboys cry

The Instagram photo that made a million fanboys cry

The internet exploded over the weekend when Justin Bieber posted a picture to Instagram of what appeared to be a script for Zack Snyder’s upcoming “Batman vs Superman,” along with the caption, “#robin?”  

Little girls were overjoyed. Nerds shit their pants in anger. Everyone was confused.

Luckily, it turns out that it was all part of an upcoming Funny or Die video (in this case, we choose die), and superhero fans can rest easy. But even if this had been real, there are definitely other films in which Justin Bieber would have been worse. Let’s take a look.

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Justin Bieber and His Friends Were Mother-Effing Baked on a Plane

Twitter

Twitter

Justin Bieber and his posse of dolts were flying cross-country this week, and when they pulled up to the airport in their Biebermobile, the pilot of their private jet told TMZ that smoke billowed out to the point where he “almost had to put on an oxygen mask.”

“It was like ‘Cheech and Chong Up In Smoke,’” the pilot said. But probably a lot less funny.

During the flight the Biebs’ buddies smoked Swisher Sweets (even though they can afford nice Churchill cigars) because they’re pansies. Or so they could get a wicked buzz on the sly. Choose your own adventure.

And while Bieber didn’t smoke, he allegedly appeared to be “baked out of his mind.”  So much so that when the pilot asked him to sign a credit card authorization, Justin replied, “Huh, what? Who am I signing this for?’”

Is Justin Bieber even a musician at this point? What kind of a world are we living in where Britney Spears looks like this and Justin Bieber is the one inhaling entire bags of Cool Ranch Doritos?

Is this what you want to do with your life, kid? Suck down Peppermint Schnapps and try to call Morocco at two in the morning? That’s senseless. But that’s what happens, man.

Justin Bieber’s Famewhore Buddies Want a Reality Show Because Of Course They Do

Twitter

Twitter

For a while now, Justin Bieber has had two male accomplices living inside his house (kinda like Liberace). Their names are Lil Twist and Lil Za, and their days consist of driving around Justin’s hood like assholes, terrorizing kindly old people. But now they’re aspiring to bigger, more whore-tastic goals: reality television.

TMZ caught up with the Za one (which I foolishly assumed was short for “pizza,” but the TMZ pap calls him “zAY” so I don’t even know anymore) while he was eating fast food inside his car like a businessman seeking a moment of respite from a loveless marriage. And that’s when he announced the big news.

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