Your Fantasy Boyfriend Jon Hamm Just Called Justin Bieber a ‘Shithead’

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

Back in 2012, ‘Mad Men’ star Jon Hamm famously said what everyone else was thinking when he told British Elle:

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

This hurt Kim’s widdle feewings and caused her to take an unprecedented break from her exhausting schedule of posting selfies and breastfeeding E! Online to shoot back (via Twitter, of course) with, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless.”

Then someone shot a laser pointer at the wall and she scampered off.

Hamm, however, is still adorably unafraid of speaking his mind, because our favorite non-sufferer of fools (and underwear) is now back in the news, telling truth about Justin Bieber to the May issue of Men’s Fitness:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’

You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish?’ Life skills are something we’re missing … just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”

He’s totally right, of course. Too bad Bieber’s parents are so worthless — his dad is a violent loser and his mom has always been too busy being a leech to give him any boundaries.

But never mind all that. Can we get Jon to write a YA book? “Life Lessons with Jon Hamm” would be a runaway bestseller.

Justin Bieber Is Moving Somewhere. Stay On Notice, America.

Instagram

Instagram

After being constantly hassled by his troll neighbors patriots, Justin Bieber has finally had enough, and is high-talin’ his ass somewhere else.

TMZ reports the teen menace has instructed his realtor to sell his Calabasas, CA home and find a “sprawling space” far away from neighbors, claiming he feels “trapped and violated.”

Apparently Justin wants enough space for his own skate park and ATV course — sort of like a Neverland Ranch for douches. (Remember: in wide space, no one can hear Selena Gomez scream.)

Personally, we hope he buys a plot next to Harrison Ford‘s ranch in Jackson, Wyoming. Because Harrison Ford does not negotiate with egg terrorists, and he doesn’t put up with any bullshit. It’d make a great reality show.

But the real terror is knowing that the Biebs may be touring homes in your area, and that’s enough to keep someone up at night. Not even Mr. Rogers wants to put up with Justin’s shit.

mr-rogers-flipping-off-gif

Justin Bieber Got His Dumb Ass Arrested

By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.

You want details? Worship at the altar of TMZ.

As for us, we’re just stirring up shit by doctoring his mugshot (see above) and poking sticks in the cage of beliebers on Twitter. As we do.

Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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Yesterday Was a Bad Day to Be Justin Bieber’s BFF

You know you're jelly of those onesies

You know you’re jelly of those onesies

By now, pretty much everyone knows the LAPD busted up into Justin Bieber‘s house yesterday with so much manpower that you’d have thought he was a Colombian gun-runner instead of a wannabe banger who winged a few dozen eggs at a neighbor’s house and was stupid enough to be caught on video doing it.

During the raid, cops found what they thought was a pile of cocaine “in plain sight” and arrested Lil Za, one of the Biebs’ hangers-on besties. Still unclear is why they arrested HIM when it wasn’t his house, but since Justin is the bitch who makes all the money, Za probably just took one for the team. (The drugs were later reported to be Ecstasy and Xanax, not coke — which translates to a lot less jail time, should it come to that.)

Za was booked for felony drug possession but posted bail a short time later and was mere minutes from freedom when he inexplicably lost his shit and tore up a phone in the jailhouse. That got his dumb ass booked again, this time for vandalism. Because he’s not rich or famous enough to vandalize things and call it art.

Upon his eventual release, he did a walk of shame during which the paparazzi asked him a bunch of idiotic questions they knew he wouldn’t answer, but the main takeaway from that is his inane nickname is apparently pronounced “zay” and not “zah.” (Which totally ruins all the “pizZA” jokes everyone made about him on Twitter yesterday.)

As for the Biebs, the LAPD collected all kinds of evidence from his house yesterday — including his security system, which presumably has video — but at this time, a police spokesman says he “has not been exonerated, nor has he been arrested.”

Cops Just Swarmed Justin Bieber’s Crib

Would this face lie to you? (Yes. Yes it would.)

Would this face lie to you? (Yes. Yes it would.)

Remember that egg-throwing incident last weekend? Looks like it might have been a lot more serious than anyone thought, because almost a dozen L.A. County Sheriff’s patrol cars are out in front of Justin Bieber‘s manse right now.

TMZ giddily reports:

[Police] are executing a search warrant in connection with the egg-throwing incident … Sources tell us deputies are looking for any evidence that links Bieber to the egg assault on his next door neighbor. We’re told this is a FELONY search warrant — meaning Justin is under a microscope for a crime that could land him in prison.

If in the course of the search cops find something illegal — like drugs — it’s fair game.

We’re told there’s a battering ram at the scene …

Deputies are detaining Justin in his garage right now while they search. We’re told they are also looking for surveillance video from Justin’s house that might capture the egging incident.

A battering ram? Jesus H. This is like some shit off “Cops.” All we’re missing is some barefoot chick in a SpaghettiOs-stained tank top puffing on a Marlboro Red and swigging a can of Coors.

For what it’s worth, the guy who owns the house Justin egged says the world’s most famous man-boy caused $20,000 in damage. That definitely rises to the level of a felony, and let’s be real here — it’s about time Bieber got a little comeuppance for his constant and rampant douchebaggery.

That said, he IS rich, famous and (most importantly) white — so I wouldn’t start measuring him for a jailhouse jumpsuit just yet.

—–

UPDATE: Justin’s BFF Lil Za, who was at the house, was busted for felony Ecstasy and Xanax possession. Cops said the drugs (which they initially thought was a whole lot of cocaine) were “in plain view” during the raid.

Justin Bieber Egged a Neighbor’s House Like Grownups Do

Since Justin Bieber is a grown-up now and wants you to STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A LITTLE BOY, he recently settled a longtime beef with a neighbor by inviting the guy over for coffee and snickerdoodles and talking things out.

LOLJK he actually threw a bunch of eggs at the guy’s house like the shitty little juvenile delinquent he is. (Oh, sorry — he’s almost 20 now. So he’s just a “shitty little delinquent.”)

According to TMZ, the neighbor — who’s been feuding with Bieber for undetermined rich white people reasons — heard “something banging” against his manse on Thursday night, so he went out on a second-floor balcony to see wutwut:

Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”

Video of the incident [shot by the neighbor] is dark, but you can hear the neighbor yelling, “I see you. I f**king see you!” Then Justin yells back, “F**k you! I got another one for you, actually!”

They keep yelling back and forth for about 30 seconds, until the neighbor tells his 13-year-old daughter — who sounds terrified — to call the cops.

Here’s where it gets rather amusing. Despite the fact that she probably felt like Judas betraying Jesus, the little girl does make the call, awesomely telling the 911 dispatcher:

“Hi, I’d like to, uh, place an assault.”

Like she was ordering a pizza. (Then she went to the real-time tracker to watch her assault being made!)

Justin is now supposedly being investigated for vandalism, which is usually a misdemeanor — but if the damage exceeds $400, that makes it a felony. Like that matters. (Hi, Chris Brown. ‘Sup?)

Justin Bieber Spent Christmas Punking the Internet

Ho-Ho-Hoax

Ho-Ho-Hoax

Justin Bieber, who’s not a girl but not yet a woman, made his legions of pre-pubescent fans scream in horror last week when he told a radio host he’d be retiring soon. His camp later laughed nervously and was all “that Justin, WHAT A SCAMP.”

But since he’s spent the past couple years touring the world, being pelted with training bras and creating an ecosystem for tabloid writers, his manager Scooter Braun did say he’d encouraged his sentient little gold mine to take 2014 off.

Then came Christmas Eve, when the Biebs had an announcement for his nearly 50 million Twitter followers:

Right afterward, he launched into full-on promo mode for his new movie, “Justin Bieber’s Believe,” which opened on Christmas Day and OH I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE. Creating a false sense of scarcity is the oldest marketing trick in the book! Nicely played, but everyone knows an attentionwhore like Justin Bieber isn’t going anywhere.

Kind of unfair for the non-Beliebers among us, though. For one shining moment, we actually believed in the miracle of Christmas.

Justin Bieber Needs Better Non-Disclosure Agreements

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCpaTwQ8gGM

Justin Bieber is still trolling around Brazil, where he was previously seen leaving a whorehouse dressed as Casper the ghost, and this time his brilliant security slipped and let one of his female acquaintances post a video from inside of his locked-down hotel room.

So here he is sleeping in bed next to one of those stupid flat-brimmed hats while the camerawoman collects evidence for her friends. A source told the Daily Mail that there were multiple women and men there, conspicuously adding “not prostitutes,” and insisting Justin fell asleep, the girl walked in and took the video.

But then came a photo tweeted out by a model named Gaby Del Campo, who posted a picture of a stack of hundred dollar bills and implied she “earned” them from Justin. Also, there are several tweets that flat-out called her a prostitute that she took the liberty of retweeting, indicating she doesn’t object to that moniker. She’s probably a hooker. And, judging from that amount of money, a really talented one.

Ms. Del Campo does not seem to be the girl in the video, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t there – and TMZ is holding the party line and maintaining video girl is not a hooker. So we can only place one prostitute. But if some girls are getting paid, why not all of them?

We’ll report more as this develops, but leave you with this delightful tweet to Gaby that sums up everything perfectly:

11/8/13 Update: Gawker is now reporting that video girl is, in fact, a hooker who most likely got the Bieber peen.

11/9/13 Update: Ms. Del Campo’s Twitter account has been mysteriously suspended.

Justin Bieber Had a Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Time in Brazil

The trail of slime Justin Bieber‘s “Believe” tour is leaving behind as it winds its way around the globe is typical only of snails, snakes and possibly Joe Francis. And this weekend’s stopover in Brazil was no exception.

On Friday, the Biebs was caught on camera being hustled out of a brothel by his security team while badly losing the “if I can’t see you, you can’t see me” game — because even though they had the Boy King covered in a sheet, some of his telltale ill-advised ink was showing and gave him away.

Page Six reported:

The 19-year-old pop star and a friend spent more than three hours in the popular whorehouse Centauros in Rio de Janeiro — before leaving with two women, sources said. He jumped into the back seat of a car while the women, who covered their faces, were put in SUVs and escorted back to his hotel.

Bieber was later kicked out of the hotel for breaking rules, the Brazilian news Web site EGO reported. But another source insisted that Bieber left because hordes of fans mobbed the place, a creating a “security issue.”

Sources at the hotel claimed he and his crew had for days been partying, doing drugs and disturbing people, according to EGO. The singer, who had been staying at the upscale Copacabana Palace hotel in southern Rio, moved his entourage to a rented mansion in a gated community, the site reported.

A spokesman for Bieber declined comment.

(For the record, prostitution is legal in Brazil but brothels are not. Bieber should’ve stuck with freelance whores.)

That brings us to Saturday night, when Justin was apparently so exhausted from his paid sexytime that he was three hours late to a meet and greet that fans paid upwards of $1000 to attend. Then he was about 90 minutes late starting his concert in Rio, where he endeared himself to the locals by kicking their national flag around.

One or all of the above pissed someone off, because video shows a water bottle being flung at Bieber mid-show, hitting his face and knocking the mic right out of his hands. He then stormed off stage — but not before shooting the crowd a look that, had he been a wizard, would’ve turned them all into one-eyed newts.

The audience reportedly chanted for about half an hour to try to get him to come back (even breaking into an impromptu singalong of “Baby”), but to no avail. By then he’d already gone back to the hotel, put on his footie pajamas, and settled down with a bottle of warm milk and a hooker or two.