Solange Knowles Tried to Beat the Shit Outta Jay-Z. And There’s Video, You Guys.

Being Solange Knowles must be hard. Her sister is Beyonce, and if there’s ever been a real-life version of the Jan Brady “Marcia Marcia MARCIA” syndrome, there it is.

But dude. Busting on Jay-Z? Like, physically? In heels?

From TMZ (who else):

Jay Z was ferociously assaulted by Beyonce’s sister Solange … who was wildly kicking and swinging at him inside an elevator … and the attack was captured on surveillance video … obtained by TMZ.

According to our sources, it all went down at a Met Gala after party last week at the Standard Hotel in NYC. In the video … Jay Z, Beyonce and Solange step into the elevator … and then Solange goes crazy, screaming at Jay before unleashing a violent attack.

A large man — who appears to be a bodyguard — attempts to hold Solange back, but she manages to connect at least 3 times. At one point Solange throws a kick and Jay grabs her foot, but never attempts to strike her. Beyonce stands by without getting physically involved.

It’s unclear what triggered the fight.

My favorite part of this is how Bey stands off to the side, like it’s totes normal for her kid sister to act like she’s on “Jerry Springer” and just found out Jay-Z isn’t the father. Even in a closed elevator, she’s BEYONCE, BITCHES so she’s too good for this shit.

Jay-Z Is Totally on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Shit List

Vanity Fair

Vanity Fair

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Pen o’ Doom as she furiously scratches Jay-Z off her list of BFFs because he willfully defied her by speaking to Vanity Fair. And didn’t just speak to them — did a huge interview and a cover shoot.

Of course, he never mentioned Gwynnie herself, so there’s no real betrayal here. Besides, name-dropping him makes her seem cool. So maybe she’s reconsidered and is already back to drawing hearts around his pictures.

Anyway. Did we mention Jay-Z talked to Vanity Fair? There’s the usual stuff — glowing words about wife Beyonce and daughter Blue Ivy, and then Jay talks about how his “checkered past” will serve him well in his new role as a sports agent:

“I know about budgets. I was a drug dealer … To be in a drug deal, you need to know what you can spend, what you need to re-up. Or if you want to start some sort of barbershop or car wash — those were the businesses back then. Things you can get in easily to get out of [that] life.

“At some point, you have to have an exit strategy, because your window is very small; you’re going to get locked up or you’re going to die.”

Chris Brown was recently all bitter like vinegar because he gets so much shit for being a thug while Jay doesn’t: “No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs.”

Except, apparently, Jay himself. So have a seat, Breezy. Have several seats.

Chris Brown Wants You to Hate Jay-Z, Too

Twitter

Twitter

Professional victim Chris Brown recently told Jet (via CNN) it’s totes unfair to judge him for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face if you don’t also hold Jay-Z accountable for his own criminal history:

“This is something I’ve been dealing with for the past maybe five years. Anybody with a voice – Tupac, Michael Jackson, the Notorious B.I.G. – gets formatted…except maybe for Jay Z, who is accepted by White America because he shakes hands and kisses babies. No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs. He gets a pass.”

Dude. You don’t get to call a hip-hop legend a sellout and excuse it away by adding “no disrespect, because I’m a fan.” That’s like the shit Southern women pull when they say “bless her heart,” as though that neutralizes the insult. She’s a diseased whore. Bless her heart.

Maybe people have forgotten about Jay’s 1999 transgression because he didn’t spend the years afterward throwing chairs through windows or going on self-righteous Twitter rants or otherwise proving what a douchebag and ragemonster he is. You know. Maybe.

Or maybe we’re all just racist dicks.

“I identify with Trayvon [Martin] 100 percent as far as living in 2013 and still dealing with blatant racism. This generation is so used to racism that it’s normal; we don’t care. We aren’t on drugs or catching AIDS, but they still look at us as ni**as.”

I like to imagine Chris actually said “ninjas” there. But if not, no big — because when we weren’t looking, he went all Patti LaBelle on us and got himself a new attitude.

“I got to the point where it’s only so much you can take from the master, you feel me? I’ve taken my fair share of lashings. I’ve dealt with the media. Instead of being an artist, I’ve been called a woman beater; I’ve been insulted in public and judged. And being able to not want to kill yourself at the end of the day is what made me say, ‘Fuck it.’”

Cool story, bro.
 

Justin Bieber + Jay-Z Are Hanging Out Together Now. This Won’t End Well.

Instagram

Instagram

I’m not gonna lie: I’m a little worried about Jay-Z. A few weeks ago, he showered (what I really hope was ironic) praise on Miley Cyrus. Now he’s been willingly photographed with Justin Bieber.

The overgrown Canadian toddler posted the shot on his Instagram page, and in the photo, Jay has one arm slung around (the very funny) Kevin Hart, and it looks like his other arm is around the Biebs.

NO, HOVA, NO.

Look, I think Miley is about as transparent a poseur as I’ve ever seen, but I (somewhat) understand why guys like Pharrell are working with her. It’s a quid pro quo thing — she gets the hip-hop cred she’s clearly so thirsty for, and they get exposure to her millions of mainstream pop fans. And if she’s gonna pretend she’s into “urban,” at least she’s surrounding herself with credible names.

But Bieber? These days he’s little more than a bratty wanna-be thug who’s more famous for needing a proper ass beating than anything else. Being seen with him increases no one’s stock. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I was pretty ambivalent about Will Smith, and then I found out Justin regards him as kind of a second father. Say Will’s name now and my Pavlovian response is to smell vinegar and water.

What I’m saying is I adore Jay-Z and if Bieber ruins that for me, I may hunt him down and beat his ass myself.