This Week in Goop: Gwyneth Makes Out With Stella McCartney + Shills $700 Jeans

Be rich and famous enough and you too might someday smooch a Beatle's daughter

Be rich and famous enough and you too might someday smooch a Beatle’s daughter

“To celebrate our first capsule collection with Stella McCartney,” said Gwyneth Paltrow in this week’s Goop newsletter, “we threw an English Garden Party in the Hamptons.”

I looked and looked and … nope. I can’t find a single word in that sentence that doesn’t have a trust fund and a coke habit. And it’s a good thing, too, because they’ll need all that scratch to afford the McCartney/Paltrow collaboration.

Here are the six items — a blazer, a pair of “trousers,” a jumpsuit, black and navy jeans, and two handbags. (There are no shirts, but don’t sweat it — you can always pick up an $88 tee.)

Aw. Two things are already sold out. :(

Aw. Two things are already sold out. :(

The handbags have already been snapped up, but you can still get a pair of those jeans. Except they aren’t really jeans — they’re midnight-blue velvet pants styled to look like jeans. (All that ingenuity must explain the $695 price tag.)

But if you want in Stella and Gwyneth’s pants, your bank account better be bigger than your ass — because nothing in the entire collection is larger than a size 10. Put down the credit cards and back away, fatties!

But back to that Hamptons garden party. Famous faces in attendance included Sarah Jessica Parker, Cameron Diaz, Naomi Watts, Stella’s dad Paul McCartney, Gwynnie’s husband Chris Martin, and her mom Blythe Danner. They (and their kids) played “lawn games” and ate “British snacks,” and then after dark, probably enjoyed a roaring bonfire fueled by back issues of Vanity Fair.

And during the party, longtime BFFs Gwyn and Stella posed for some photos together the way all besties do — in a liplock.

gwynethkiss

Is “British snacks” slang for “pot brownies” now? Because this looks like something I once saw at a frat party. If memory serves right, these ladies are moments away from dousing each other in beer and dancing topless to “Cherry Pie.”

Anyway, here’s more video from the soiree. As always, Gwynnie … we’re not worthy.

Gwyneth Paltrow Put Out a Hit on Vanity Fair Magazine

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Vanity Fair has long been the darling rag of Hollywood. It publicized filmmakers, and filmmakers returned the favor by turning out in droves to the magazine’s annual Oscar party — the swankiest of the year.

But the publication recently took a slightly less asskissy turn, particularly in its treatment of the production nightmares that plagued Brad Pitt‘s pet project “World War Z,” and in an article about Tom Cruise‘s creepy Scientologist underground.

So Gwyneth Paltrow is fighting back.

[ more >> ]

An Evil School Bus Tried to Prevent Gwyneth Paltrow From Saving the World

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were innocently picking up their children, Apple and Moses, from school last week when some arch rivals attempted to keep her from performing her super duties.

As they were getting ready to leave, the Paltrow Signal went up into the sky — signifying that someone was purchasing pants made of cotton (instead of fair-trade, hand-spun mermaid hair). So she took off, with Apple in tow, to save the day.

But a nefarious school bus full of disgusting, deviant children (who rides the bus besides The Poors?) tried to slam into the Goop Mobile. That was when she activated her rocket thrusters and made a fast break in true heroic fashion.

Some may say she was putting Apple’s life in danger, but she totally wasn’t. You know what puts Apple’s life in danger? A 40-year-old woman in Des Moines buying bagged lentils because she’s too lazy to go to Bangladesh and pick them herself, that’s who.

Luckily for the school bus, Gwynnie opted to be generous and not decapitate the driver with her kale boomerang.

Bide your time, orange beast. The Goop Avenger is watching (and not signaling).

goopavenger

This Week in Goop: $8 Paper Clips + ‘Easy’ Lunches With Dozens of Ingredients You Don’t Have

Gwyneth Paltrow calls this week’s missive from Goop the “back to work/school/life mag,” which includes “easy, healthy and super tasty one bowl lunches” plus “other bits” (like pretty office supplies you’ll want to put on a shelf and treat as art because that’s what disposable income is for).

Let’s start with those “easy” lunches. For most people, that usually means last night’s leftovers or maybe a Lean Cuisine, but for Gwynnie — who lives in a working five-star restaurant — “easy” means an Asian Chicken Salad Bowl with 20 ingredients. TWENTY. Eight for the salad, seven for the dressing, and five for the chicken. (Oh you thought chicken was just chicken? Rube.)

Goop

Goop

There’s also a Tuna Tomato Bowl described as the “perfect cross between a puttanesca and a nicoise,” words so relatively obscure that my spell-check tried to turn them into “putrescent” and “noise.”

(For what it’s worth, Merriam-Webster says “puttanesca” is an Italian word “short for alla puttanesca, literally, in the style of a prostitute,” and FoodGeeks defines “nicoise” as “cuisine originating from the south of France.” So Gwyneth Paltrow basically found a classy way to call her newsletter subscribers French whores.)

Next, a whole array of lovely “back to office supplies” is laid out before us. And they are lovely — beautiful and chic in their simplicity. But really, $39 scissors and $8 paper clips should be beautiful. (And if your paper clips get lonely, you can always get them some $8 string to play with.)

Terrain

Terrain

That’s assuming, of course, you can even find all this stuff, because the links in the Goop newsletter go only to the front pages of the various retailers’ websites — not the product pages themselves. Those you have to find on your own. (Maybe it’s one of those things where exerting the effort to locate the item proves you actually deserve to have it.)

As always, Gwyneth … we’re not worthy.

paltrow-ohwell