Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s Split Is More Pretentious Than Brunch in the Hamptons

Because Gwyneth Paltrow can’t even have her heart broken like a poor, she took to her website today to announce that she and her husband of more than a decade, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are “consciously uncoupling.”

GOOP crashed hard (and is still down as of this writing) but here’s a screencap:

paltrow-martin-split

This is all very sad and WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN and whatever, but look at the photo she included. See, when normal people break up, they take Magic Markers and draw evil eyebrows on their exes. Not the Paltrow-Martins.

It looks like they commissioned a portrait session for their split complete with sundresses and ties casually askew, and they probably had Cee Lo’s “Forget You” playing the whole time (Gwyneth’s version from “Glee,” naturally) because they’re evolved enough to already be good friends who can laugh at breakup songs with no residual bitterness at all.

But I like to imagine that late at night, when no one’s looking, she heads for the kitchen and breakup-binges like any other girl. (With an $800 bottle of wine and beluga caviar on gluten-free gourmet crackers, of course.)

Gwyneth-Paltrow eating

Martha Stewart Throws (Handmade) Shade at Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s a Good Thing.

Professional badass Martha Stewart spawned the modern “lifestyle brand” trend. Without her, chances are good Gwyneth Paltrow would’ve never founded Goop, thus depriving us of some utterly golden reading material — so all hail Mother Martha!

But what does she think of her occasionally British pretender?

Asked by TMZ if she’s a better “lifestyle coach” than Paltrow, Martha gave a derisive snort and replied, “Lifestyle coach? Oh, for heaven’s sake. You have to live to be a coach.”

Here’s a reenactment of my reaction, in four acts with no intermission.

 

The Princess of Pretension has yet to respond to Martha’s barb, and if she’s smart, she won’t. She may be powerful enough to get her friends to boycott Vanity Fair (well, some of them, anyway), but Stewart did time in the joint — so you just know she wouldn’t hesitate to hand-craft a festive shank, cuttabitch, and use the blood as stencil paint.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Still Plotting the End of Vanity Fair

actressphotoos.com

actressphotoos.com

Gwyneth Paltrow‘s ongoing war with Vanity Fair and its editor, Graydon Carter, is not over yet. After appealing to her friends not to talk and being betrayed by Jay-Z, now we can report a small victory (and defeat) for Gwynnie.

First the good: RadarOnline reports that G successfully wooed George Clooney away from appearing on the mag’s “Hollywood Issue” cover.

Now the bad: Gwynnie has completely lost Julia Roberts, whose relationship with Graydon have lead her to go rogue. So says an unnamed source:

“[Julia] is ignoring Gwyneth, has no problem with Graydon and is happily still committed to appear on the cover of that issue.”

The source added that this  “has probably ended any chance of a friendship between the two of them,” so don’t expect to see Julia Roberts showing up to Goopy’s house to admire any hand-woven Bolivian eco-friendly coffee cozies.

Previously, Carter said that he was pressing ahead with the issue undaunted, like some sort of school bus with the words “PALTROW PUNISHER” painted on the side in blood.

Either way, it’s going to be ugly. Like, uglier than Gwynnie playing Sylvia Plath ugly. (Truth? We can’t wait.)

This Week in Goop: Gwyneth Redefines Sports, Tours Copenhagen and Learns the Alphabet

In the beginning of this week’s newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow says that sportswear is going to be influencing “how we dress for the next two seasons at least.” What does that mean, exactly? It’s not really clear. But she did invite the good folks at SSENSE, a trendy outfitter, to explain. Continue reading

That Gwyneth Paltrow Vanity Fair Piece Is Actually Happening

Disney

Disney

Earlier this year, Gwyneth Paltrow freaked out upon learning that Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter was planning what she assumed would be a front-cover hatchet job on her. So she wrote emails to all of her bourgeois pals asking them not to talk. But they did, and the magazine is going forward.

Carter gave an interview to The Times (via Radar), where he was pressed on whether he would back down from the Gwynnie story, and he didn’t back down. If anything, it sounds like it will be nastier than originally planned:

“We started a story on her. We have a very good writer and it’ll run.”

Carter elaborated, saying Gwynnie “forced [his] hand,” and that all of her publicists (a whole walk-in shoe closet full, no doubt) are pissed at him, adding: “I can live with that.”

She probably knew she was in trouble when her bestie Jay Z spoke to the magazine for their November issue. That little incident likely resulted in at least one of the help being smacked with a bundle of kale.

We can only imagine what chaos this will bring. Cities will burn. The skies will open up and drown the Vanity Fair offices in an organic, virgin-olive vinaigrette. Everyone will be forced to live in homes with only 4 bathrooms. Mass hysteria.

You did this, Vanity Fair. YOU DID THIS.

gwyneth-why

Sandra Bullock Has Mad Street Cred, Yo

Sandra Bullock was still making the media rounds this weekend to promote “Gravity,” even though it held it’s #1 spot at the box office and really doesn’t need any help. Mostly, people just really enjoy seeing Sandra Bullock doing anything. And when she appeared on “The Jonathan Ross Show,” the conversation turned to rapping – which happens to be one more thing she’s amazing at.

Sandra told the story about how she memorized Sugar Hill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight” in high school to impress a boy (it worked), and everyone was curious as to whether she still knew it. She did, and it’s awesome.

Even Tom Hanks – who probably secretly fostered resentment because “Captain Phillips” couldn’t top her movie – couldn’t help but smile and applaud. (We all know how bitter and angry Tom Hanks normally is.)

The only logical conclusion to this is a full on rap battle with Gwynnie P.

 

This Week in Goop: Make ‘Rad’ Happen in Workwear You’d Never Wear to Work

We skipped last week’s Goop newsletter because it was simply a retrospective celebrating five years of existence. So just assume we’d have titled it “This Week in Goop: Five Years of Pretentious Shit You Can’t Afford” and we’ll move along.

In the current issue, we start with gluten-free pasta and the best sauces for it. “For example,” the newsletter says, “brown rice pasta needs a flavorful but lightweight sauce to accommodate its bold taste but delicate texture.” Of course it does.

Step away from the Ragu

Step away from the Ragu

Brown rice pasta does sound pretty good, but our idea of pasta variety lately has just involved switching brands after that guy from Barilla said all that stupid shit about gays, so there you go. That said, most of the recipes here look fabulous (if unrealistic for those of us without live-in chefs).

Now that you’re good and hungry, let’s move on to rail-thin models who will silently shame you for it. Continue reading

Jay-Z Is Totally on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Shit List

Vanity Fair

Vanity Fair

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Pen o’ Doom as she furiously scratches Jay-Z off her list of BFFs because he willfully defied her by speaking to Vanity Fair. And didn’t just speak to them — did a huge interview and a cover shoot.

Of course, he never mentioned Gwynnie herself, so there’s no real betrayal here. Besides, name-dropping him makes her seem cool. So maybe she’s reconsidered and is already back to drawing hearts around his pictures.

Anyway. Did we mention Jay-Z talked to Vanity Fair? There’s the usual stuff — glowing words about wife Beyonce and daughter Blue Ivy, and then Jay talks about how his “checkered past” will serve him well in his new role as a sports agent:

“I know about budgets. I was a drug dealer … To be in a drug deal, you need to know what you can spend, what you need to re-up. Or if you want to start some sort of barbershop or car wash — those were the businesses back then. Things you can get in easily to get out of [that] life.

“At some point, you have to have an exit strategy, because your window is very small; you’re going to get locked up or you’re going to die.”

Chris Brown was recently all bitter like vinegar because he gets so much shit for being a thug while Jay doesn’t: “No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs.”

Except, apparently, Jay himself. So have a seat, Breezy. Have several seats.

This Week in Goop: $800 Bedazzled Sweatshirts + Podcast Suggestions from on High

It seems that Gwyneth Paltrow had a busy schedule this week, because she pretty much gave up on the Goop newsletter (probably to go boating with the Kennedys or something). So instead of a plethora of items in a handy grid that you can print off and use as a dart board, she put a few outfits together.

This week’s highlighted item is this glorious dark green sweatshirt — complete with glued-on gemstones of some sort (Gwynnie calls them “Swarovski embellishment”) — for a mere $845. She says this one is a “statement sweatshirt,” the statement apparently being “I am emotionally and financially unstable.”

If you vomit on this sweatshirt, no one will know.

If you vomit on this sweatshirt, no one will know.

Moving on, we’re treated to some of fall’s hottest trends, including (but not limited to):

"I'm always on duty!"

“I’m always on duty!”

This Inspector Gadget ensemble has a $3,355 Stella McCartney coat that will make you look like a very sophisticated flasher. There’s also a $270 pair of highwater jeans from Acne. Because when life gives you acne, make expensive jeans.

There was also this:

WARP SPEED

WARP SPEED

Do you have to play an alien in a low-budget film from the 1950s? Do you want to cosplay as an extra from “The Jetsons”? Gwyneth Paltrow has your ass covered in this $2,195 Victoria Beckham dress.

Next, we have this assortment of fancy shoes in the following order: Pee wee Herman shoes, Fran Drescher shoes and some sort of gaudy cross between the two.

Screen Shot 2013-09-19 at 6.59.19 PM

After this we move onto an article by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, who instead of writing for medical journals is now doing pieces for Gwyneth Paltrow’s trust fund baby newsletter. In it, he speaks about how online relationships are unhealthy and how we must seek to cultivate “real” relationships instead. So we decided not to Facebook-share his work out of spite.

And, finally, Gwyneth ends the newsletter by being super lazy and just listing a bunch of podcasts she listens to. One of them, “The Dinner Party,” is designed to let you brush up on conversational topics for all the dinner parties you’ll attend this week. But because some of us just cram Ramen noodles into our mouths over the sink while watching “Catfish” on MTV, this is completely useless.

There are a few good ones, like The New Yorker’s “Out Loud,” but most of them are generic bullshit like TED talks or “Meet the Press” or “This American Life” (which is great, but we all know about it). No “Welcome to Nightvale.”  No “Ask Me Another.” Overall, very disappointing.

But when you’re looking fabulous in a $2,000 space suit that you’ll wear one time during New York fashion week and then give to a hobo to use as drapes on a cardboard box, who needs entertainment?

As always, Gwynnie, we’re not worthy.

Gwyneth-Paltrow-Cucumber

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still Talking About Her Pubes

http://youtu.be/Zr2EzN7IOEs

A while back, Gwyneth Paltrow made waves by telling Ellen DeGeneres that she had to do some heavy winnowing to her lady-garden before wearing a revealing dress to the premiere of “Iron Man 3.” This quickly snowballed into a major international story because having a bush does not conform to the Geneva Grooming Convention.

But now everyone is wondering if she’s still rocking the Bambi Woods cut down there, so Ellen asked her the hard-hitting questions — like did Gwynnie take any shit for what she said last time she was on the show?

“You know normally I don’t read stuff at all but apparently this was in like a lot of newspapers. And then, my brother-in-law – I knew it had permeated when my brother-in-law said to me, like, ‘I hope you’re not going to bring back big bush.’ Thanks, Al. Thanks for your support.”

(It’s worth noting that the word “bush” was bleeped, apparently because kids are still impressionable after dealing with eight years of the B*** administration in the White House.)

Anyway, after watching Gwyn squirm a bit, Ellen deviously said, “Well, let’s know that you’re not doing that.”

Paltrow was equally mischievous in her answer, replying, “Let’s not say I am and let’s not say I’m not. Are we going to talk about my pubic hair every time I come on this show?”

She then assured everyone that, yes, the landscape is no longer overgrown.

Rest easy, America. All is well.