Courtney Stodden has been everywhere lately, drowning herself in television lights to mourn the death of her relationship with Doug Hutchison. First she appeared on “Bethenny” - where Bethenny Frankel kicked the shit out of her ala the Farrah Abrahaminterview - and Courtney told the world she doesn’t read or write. And it looks like that was just the first dose.
She posted the above photo to her Twitter recently, and while the idea of Courtney Stodden being on a news network is troubling, it’s less troubling if you realize Fox News isn’t a news network.
Nevertheless, she’s apparently doing something there soon. Probably getting bombarded by angry questions from Bill O’Reilly about whether her lips are perpetuating a war on Christmas or if her breast implants have been thwarted by Obamacare in some way.
Either way, it will surely be informative and amazing television. After all, it’s not like there was a devastating typhoon in the Philippines or anything, right?
Courtney Stodden recently split from her legally-sanctioned pedophile husband Doug Hutchison, and she wants you to know what happened — in her own words.
So she painted on her best Joker brows, sneezed into a jar of body glitter and did an “exclusive” with E!, home of the Kardashians. Because apparently giving a stage to talentless famewhores is all that network does now.
Asked by E’s crack reporting team what went wrong in the marriage, the now 19-year-old Stodden answered, “My age, obviously.” (Congrats on asking a question so stupid that even Courtney Stodden side-eyes you, E.)
She added that her stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” was the first time she’d been separated from Doug for any length of time, and that while she was “missing him,” she wasn’t missing him “intimately.”
“I couldn’t neglect my desires and wanting to embrace my independence and my freedom,” she said. “I [don't want to] neglect my youth.”
There’s more in the interview about her plastic surgery and how much Doug was against it (a rare moment of likability for him), but she insists she’s “happy” to look like if you poked her with a pin she’d go PPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT and fly around the room.
“I think all that matters [is] following your heart, looking the way you want to look,” she said. “As long as you aren’t hurting anybody else, I think you’re fine.”
Meanwhile, in other news, Courtney and Doug gave a bizarre statement to the Daily Mail saying that although they’ve decided to legally separate, they’ll still be living in the same house together — and that Doug “will still play a role in Courtney’s career as co-manager alongside her mother.”
And then, in what sounds like a Netflix summary for her rumored upcoming reality show, the statement reads:
“Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult — with the freedom to explore her independence.”
In other words, “Her ladybits are 19, single, and ready to mingle! FELLAS?”
“Courtney Stodden was born to be a porn star. There is no question that she would be a huge star as she exudes sexuality…I would love to sign her to a contract and now that she’s going to be single, maybe she’d be interested. If not, she would be a great host for us on VividTV (our cable network) until she felt fully comfortable…She has the body and the looks to be a star, but her sex would have to be super-hot to complete the package….A successful porn star can make several hundred thousand dollars a year. Courtney would surely make more.”
That was what Steve Hirsch, CEO of Vivid Entertainment, said when speaking to E! about whether famewhore Courtney Stodden should do porn. Obviously Steve met the question with an enthusiastic yes, because nobody wants to see Courtney Stodden do anything except have sex. Literally. That’s it.
Hirsch, responsible for such hits as the Farrah Abraham porno, the Kim Kardashian sex tape and a new remake of Marilyn Chambers’ “Behind the Green Door” (which I totally just made a mental note to check out) is actually a funny guy. He also always seems genuinely concerned that everybody he gets involved with is “comfortable.”
Having said that, Courtney Stodden is a woman who said she’d never do porn. But she also said she’d never get breast implants, and since her breakup with Doug Hutchison, she’s lost her novelty factor. Courtney’s running out of options, and she’s probably not looking to get a doctorate in anthropology at this point. Plus, she’d get more money (and press) off of porn than she would making her “music” for the next 50 years.
It’s safe to assume that we’ll see this “Courtney Stodden: All Undressed and Nothing to Think” video popping up within the next year. So prepare yourself, America. You’re about to reach your full potential.
Oh, like you don’t wear stripper heels on the beach
Before she became the human blow-up doll she is today, Courtney Stodden was a 16-year-old child bride whose creepy parents sanctioned her marriage to the even creepier 51-year-old Doug Hutchison. But after three years of standing steadfastly by her side (mainly to keep her from toppling over in her Lucite heels), Doug’s been abandoned like a newborn on prom night.
“Courtney has called it quits on her marriage,” a source told Radar. “She is done with him and he’s totally heartbroken.”
Seems everything went to hell when Courtney’s recent stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” showed her she didn’t need a man after all (and also what it felt like to flirt with guys who weren’t old enough to vote during the Carter administration).
“Courtney has changed so much since being in [the 'Big Brother'] house,” another insider told the Daily Mail. “She is more independent and just wants to have fun like any 19-year-old.”
Just when you thought Courtney Stodden was done replacing body parts, she strikes again – this time asking “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star and plastic surgeon Paul Nassif to plant the above monstrosity onto her face.
She posted this selfie to Twitter not long ago from her lair as she planned new ways to kill Bruce Wayne (possibly by strapping lethal joy buzzers to her breasts). She also thanked Paul for the “new pout”:
@DrPaulNassif thx for my new pout & having such a kind energy about you. You make your patients feel so comfortable :) Will tweet pic soon x
For reasons unknown, Courtney Stodden was asked to appear on “Celebrity Big Brother” overseas, because there just aren’t enough famous British people and Liz Hurley can’t be bothered with that shit.
Now, after 21 days, Court’s been given the boot. Why? Did she not do something right? Are there competitions? Voting? Seriously. What the hell are the logistics of “Big Brother”?
Anyway. Courtney caught up with E! News, where she said she came away “with strength, wisdom and positivity” from the show, adding, “I feel more like a grown woman.” (Probably because she rode on an airplane unaccompanied.)
Courtney said she missed her husband Doug Hutchison the most, and Starbucks second. She also said she had to deal with boredom, and apparently so did the audience because this is literally one of the most boring goddamn television programs we’ve ever seen. Ever. Seriously. Watch for yourself.
The E! article also says she spent some time in a “garden jail” on the show, which we assumed was some sort of crazy British slang (like how they call pencils “write-y wangers”), but apparently means she was placed inside an actual cage in the yard. So, that was at least a taste of home.
We forgot where we were going with this. But the bottom line is that Courtney Stodden is returning to America, magically raising our breast GDP by at least 70 percent.
It wasn’t too long ago that teen bride Courtney Stodden opted for breast augmentation to complete her transformation into Malibu Barbie, and then proceeded to show off the new purchases all over the place. But now she’s on the British version of “Celebrity Big Brother” (because apparently British people still watch “Big Brother”) and something seems … off.