Chris Brown Was Kicked Out of Rage Rehab for Going Ballistic on His Mom

Chris Brown and the woman who made him what he is today

Chris Brown and the woman who made him what he is today

Once upon a time, a boy named Chris Brown got famous because he could sing and dance. Then he got infamous for trying to put Rihanna‘s nose where her ears go, and it’s all been downhill ever since.

Simply put, brotha needs to check his temper. Since he’s still on probation for the 2009 Rihanna “incident” (as he calls it), he can’t afford to go all rage monster on anyone — yet that’s what he keeps doing. And he’s rapidly running through his “get out of jail free” cards.

So about a month ago, his legal team talked him into checking himself into treatment for anger management. Which seemed like a great idea, but it’s now coming to light that a mere two weeks into his stay, the Malibu rehab facility where he was staying punted him for — wait for it — completely losing his shit. On his mom, no less.

TMZ (because of course TMZ) reports:

According to [a probation] report, Chris’ mom showed up for a family session and was urging her son to stay in the facility for extended treatment. Apparently, Chris violently disagreed with her and in a fit of anger threw a rock through her car window, shattering it …

The report goes on to say without continued therapy and a strong recovery support network, his prognosis is “very guarded.”

His mother, by the way, is at least half the problem. But I digress.

And wait, there’s more:

Chris Brown just got confined for 90 days … but not in jail … in rehab.

Brown and his lawyer, Mark Geragos, were just in court for a progress report in the Rihanna beating case … The Probation Dept. notified the judge that Brown flew into yet another violent rage while he was in a Malibu rehab joint for anger management, and was thrown out of the facility after only 2 weeks. The Probation Dept. recommended live-in anger management rehab.

The judge agreed with Probation, and ordered Brown to check into a facility for 90 days, and the facility must be in L.A. County and approved by Probation … Brown must also submit to drug testing at the rehab facility [and] must take any prescriptions recommended by the rehab place.

In other words, Breezy will now be on court-ordered lock-down for three months, and he can’t be under the influence of anything other than prescribed chiller-outers. Which will likely be dosed from a safe distance. With a tranq gun, maybe.
 

Chris Brown and His Stupid Ass Got Arrested Again

Maybe he's praying for common sense

Maybe he’s praying for common sense

Because Chris Brown is smart and misunderstood and gentle like a puppy, he’s been arrested a slew of times — most recently on Sunday morning for felony assault.

Seems Chris was hosting a party at the Park and 14th nightclub in DC on Saturday night before proving that old adage saying “nothing good ever happens after midnight.” And that other old adage saying “Chris Brown is a rage monster who’s an easy target for anyone looking for their 15 minutes so maybe his dumb ass shouldn’t be out at 4am.”

TMZ sez:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … at around 4:30 AM Brown got into an argument with a man outside the W Hotel on K Street and allegedly punched him once in the face. We’re told the alleged victim never threw a punch.

The alleged victim tells TMZ … he and a friend were hanging out at the W when they saw 2 women about to take a picture with Brown. The victim — who says he’s not a Chris Brown fan — says he and his buddy photo bombed the 2 women and Chris went nuts, punching him in the face and BREAKING HIS NOSE. He went to the hospital and says he may need surgery as early as tomorrow.

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.” After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Of course Breezy’s posse tells a different story:

Sources connected with Chris tell TMZ … the alleged victim is full of BS. He was NOT trying to take a pic with Chris … he was trying to get on Chris’ tour bus, and Brown was simply trying to stop a trespass. The sources say before the incident the 2 girls tried to get on the bus but they were stopped, and that’s when the victim and his friend made their move.

Brown and his bodyguard were both arrested, and when you get your ass thrown in a DC clink on a weekend, you stay there until a magistrate can see you on Monday. So that’s where he still is — and since he’s already on probation in California for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face a few years ago, he could wind up in a metric shit-ton of trouble.

The “victim,” meanwhile, has already lawyered up and is probably just deciding how many zeros his check should have.

UPDATE: The felony charge was reduced to a misdemeanor and Chris was released without bail. And back in L.A., the suits are deciding whether he violated his probation. If so, he could face four years in jail. (HAHAHAHAHA JK. Rich people don’t do time.)

[Photo via Twitter]

Chris Brown Is Still a Massive Douche

It's okay. They're medicinal.

It’s okay. They’re medicinal.

Chris Brown (he’s not just the president of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club, he’s also a member!) gave an interview to the UK’s The Guardian recently, and if you already thought he was an entitled douchenozzle, this did little to change those perceptions.

Journalist Decca Aitkenhead writes that upon his arrival, “Brown keeps his shades on, makes no eye contact and addresses his words to the [recorder] in front of us, though less due to rudeness, I think, than the elaborate protocol of cool.”

She goes on:

Before long, I begin to suspect he’s actually just bored. He’s talking about his album, but making no sense, so I suggest we pretend I’ve just landed from Mars and know nothing about him. Here is a clean slate: his chance to define himself, to explain from scratch who he is and what he does. What would he say? As if registering my presence for the first time, he pauses, almost glances across, smiles – “That’s a good question” – and considers it carefully in silence.

“Well, I would say I’m an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I’m a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.”

Were it not for what he refers to as “the incident with Rihanna,” he would now be “bigger than life. Yeah.” He can’t think of anything he’s bad at, apart from “just being able to relax and sleep.”

“Walking art piece”? Well, he got the “walking” and the “piece” right.

Decca continues:

A lot of the time, his answers bear little, if any, relation to my questions. Or perhaps he’s decided on two central points he wants to make, and figures everything else is irrelevant. The first point he makes several times is that his new album will appeal to everyone; the second is that he is a changed man who’s grown up and calmed down. Unfortunately he’s at his least coherent when discussing the former, and at his most contradictory on the latter. By the time I leave, all I can say with certainty is that Brown is a stranger to the concepts of modesty and consistency.

Sounds about right.

This past weekend, much was made of a passage in which Brown describes losing his virginity at the age of 8 to a girl who was “14 or 15.”

Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. “By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.”

Whether you find this to be eye-rolling braggadocio or the incredibly sad tale of a childhood rape victim depends solely on your interpretation of it. (Commenters on Jezebel, for example, basically grabbed pitchforks and torches and stormed the castle when writer Doug Barry gave the statement a side-eye.)

Regardless, it does call into question where the hell his batshit crazy mother was during all this. Maybe this is just part of what she thinks makes him “God’s anointed.”

Anyway, after a history of Brown’s career thus far is covered, the “Rihanna incident,” as he calls it, is addressed. There’s a lot here of him whining about how hard community service is (“Community service, that shit is a bitch. I’ll be honest – and you can quote me on that – that is a motherfucker there”) and how hard it is to be him because he’s just so misunderstood and how he’s totally a changed man now and blah blah blah.

Then Decca asks him about that tat on his neck — the one that looks more than a little like police photos of Rihanna taken just after he’d beaten the snot out of her.

He has always disputed the resemblance, insisting it’s just a “random woman,” so I ask if he’d realised it would be misconstrued and cause so much fuss.

“I really don’t care. A tattoo’s a tattoo; it’s my body, my skin.”

Suddenly he is sulky and petulant. “My favourite line is, ‘Fuck you.’ I like giving the world a big fuck you. Every tattoo I have is a big fuck you. So it’s just, like, this is just me, and I’m the guy who’s going to be just the same guy at all times.”

But he’s totally changed, you guys. Don’t forget he’s totally changed.

scale-of-one-to-chris-brown-gif1

Chris Brown Wants You to Hate Jay-Z, Too

Twitter

Twitter

Professional victim Chris Brown recently told Jet (via CNN) it’s totes unfair to judge him for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face if you don’t also hold Jay-Z accountable for his own criminal history:

“This is something I’ve been dealing with for the past maybe five years. Anybody with a voice – Tupac, Michael Jackson, the Notorious B.I.G. – gets formatted…except maybe for Jay Z, who is accepted by White America because he shakes hands and kisses babies. No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs. He gets a pass.”

Dude. You don’t get to call a hip-hop legend a sellout and excuse it away by adding “no disrespect, because I’m a fan.” That’s like the shit Southern women pull when they say “bless her heart,” as though that neutralizes the insult. She’s a diseased whore. Bless her heart.

Maybe people have forgotten about Jay’s 1999 transgression because he didn’t spend the years afterward throwing chairs through windows or going on self-righteous Twitter rants or otherwise proving what a douchebag and ragemonster he is. You know. Maybe.

Or maybe we’re all just racist dicks.

“I identify with Trayvon [Martin] 100 percent as far as living in 2013 and still dealing with blatant racism. This generation is so used to racism that it’s normal; we don’t care. We aren’t on drugs or catching AIDS, but they still look at us as ni**as.”

I like to imagine Chris actually said “ninjas” there. But if not, no big — because when we weren’t looking, he went all Patti LaBelle on us and got himself a new attitude.

“I got to the point where it’s only so much you can take from the master, you feel me? I’ve taken my fair share of lashings. I’ve dealt with the media. Instead of being an artist, I’ve been called a woman beater; I’ve been insulted in public and judged. And being able to not want to kill yourself at the end of the day is what made me say, ‘Fuck it.’”

Cool story, bro.
 

Chris Brown Is Seizing Up Because You Guys Are Mean

Twitter

Twitter

Chris Brown — singer, dancer, member of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club — was hard at work Friday night on what could be his last album EVER when the karmic weight of his douchebaggery collapsed in on him like a Florida sinkhole.

Or, you know, he had some sort of seizure. At least that’s what the person who called 911 said. (Then again, of course that’s what they’d say. Ambulances almost never show up to save anyone from their own bad karma.)

Apparently Breezy’s not an epileptic, and he’s not known to have a Lil Wayne-like affection for sizzurp — so why did an otherwise healthy 24-year-old guy have a seizure?

Here’s his rep’s story:

“His doctor tended to him this afternoon and attributes the NES [non-epileptic seizure] to intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress, both due to the continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and the nonstop negativity.”

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. THIS IS OUR FAULT. OURS. WE DID THIS. US. YOU AND I.

Well, that’s what we get for helping beat the pretty off Rihanna‘s face four years ago. Oh, you weren’t there for that? How about for all the times he’s shown his ass since and reminded people over and over — and over — that his reputation as a rage-monster is well-founded?

Huh. Maybe Chris is far too modest and just giving us credit where it isn’t deserved. But really, we shouldn’t expect any less from a guy christened “God’s anointed” by his own mother.