Universe Exacts Revenge on Ashton Kutcher By Giving Him a Daughter

Maybe they'll name her Meg

Maybe they’ll name her Meg

Mila Kunis could quite literally have just about any man (or, really, any woman) she wants. Which makes it all the more puzzling that she sifted through the world’s population of roughly 7 billion people and plucked out … Ashton Kutcher.

But because we are not meant to understand all of life’s little mysteries, the former “That ’70s Show” co-stars are now engaged and even expecting a baby together. And while I may think Ashton is a lying, cheating piece, there’s little question that he’s a pretty lying, cheating piece, so the blending of his DNA with Mila’s should, in theory anyway, produce a beautiful child.

And according to Us Weekly, that genetically gifted offspring will be a girl.

Although the daughter-to-be will be the first child for both Kunis, 30, and Kutcher, 36, the ‘Two and Half Men’ hunk “got plenty of practice with Demi’s girls,” one pal notes. Indeed, for six years, Kutcher was famously stepdad to Rumer, 25, Scout, 22, and Tallulah, 20, ex-wife Demi Moore‘s kids with Bruce Willis.

Ecstatic for impending fatherhood, “Ashton is doting on Mila,” another friend notes of the reformed party boy, who’s already lining up playdates with the couple’s old “That ’70s Show” costar Danny Masterson and Fianna, his 2-month-old daughter.

What all this means is in just a few years, Ashton will be threatening the lives of boys just like him — proving karma does exist after all.

Ashton Kutcher’s Now a Single Man. Ladies?

The couple who wears hipster glasses together, stays in divorce court together

The couple who wears hipster glasses together, never has a chance together

Two years after Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore separated (following an incident during which his peen tripped and fell into a vag that wasn’t hers), the former marrieds are officially divorced. And her bank balance likely has an extra zero or two.

We’ll give Demi this: She’s married very, very well. Or rather, she’s divorced very well — because despite few acting gigs in the past couple decades, she’s STUPID wealthy. As in, worth $150 million, thanks in no small part to the $90 million she got as a parting gift when she split from Bruce Willis in 2000.

That meant she was the rich one when she got her cougar on and hooked up with Ashton five years later — but that was before CBS lost its goddamned mind and made him Hollywood’s highest paid TV star. Between that and his tech investments (he got in on Spotify, Skype and Airbnb early), he’s now worth $140 million.

The exact terms of the divorce haven’t been disclosed, but it’s clear Demi felt the public humiliation she suffered when Ashton boffed a trashy rando (who couldn’t wait to tell the tabloids all about it) had a price tag, and she held out this long to make him pay.

“Ashton has been very difficult during the talks,” a source told Page Six back in March. “You could even say he has been hostile.”

Maybe he finally settled so he could put a ring on Mila Kunis — before she realizes she’s dating WAY below her weight class and bails.

Roseanne Barr Seems To Be Doing Well, Too

Twitter

Twitter

Meltdowns are all the rage in Hollywood right now, and there was no way in hell Roseanne Barr was going to miss that train. So when “Two and  a Half Men” aired a joke similar to hers, she leapt at the opportunity, chewing out both Ashton Kutcher and showrunner Chuck Lorre via Twitter.

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