Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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The New ‘Bachelor’ Thinks Gays Are Too ‘Pervert’ To Be On the Show

How do you say "shut up, dumbass" in Spanish?

How do you say “shut up, dumbass” in Spanish?

Hot on the racist, homophobic heels of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson, we now have Juan Pablo Galavis — the first Latino star of ABC’s embarrassing “The Bachelor” franchise — learning the hard way that he doesn’t have to express all the feelings in his pretty little head.

Asked by The TV Page what he thought about having a season of “The Bachelor” featuring an openly gay or bisexual lead, the Venezuelan-born Galavis responded in part:

I don’t think it is a good idea for kids to watch that on TV …

Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up … Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples … Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed … It is confusing in a sense.

But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale … Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.

I have a lot of friends like that, but they’re more pervert in a sense. To me, the show would be too strong, too hard to watch on TV.

Oh. Oh, I see. So a show that depicts a couple dozen women sacrificing what little self-respect they have to win his affections is totally family viewing. But gay men are pervs so HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE. Got it.

It didn’t take long for the suits at ABC to laugh nervously and issue a statement saying, “Juan Pablo’s comments were careless, thoughtless and insensitive, and in no way reflect the views of the network, the show’s producers or studio.”

Not long after, Juan himself took to his Facebook page with this:

 
I know English is Juan’s second language and all but, uh, that’s some bullshit right there.

He’s the second quasi-celebrity in the past few days to pull this whole “I know gays, I love gays — I just think they’re immoral” routine. (Sherri Shepherd took a break from pondering whether the earth is round or flat to chime in, too.)

No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put a foot on both sides of this line. It’s condescending and patronizing and (pardon the ironic phrasing) a total dick move.

You either treat gay people as your equal — or you don’t. Take a stand and stay there. It makes it easier for the rest of us to know whose opinions to ignore.

Cate Blanchett Really Loves Her New SAG Award

Cate Blanchett won a SAG Award tonight for her role in “Blue Jasmine.” Her acceptance speech was awesome — when show producers tried to cut her short, she was quick to remind them that Matthew McConaughey (who’d just won for “Dallas Buyers Club”) was permitted to nonsensically ramble so she’d take her time, thanks.

Still, it flustered her a bit, which I’m sure is what caused this PG-13 moment. But just because she’s classy doesn’t mean I am. So here you go.

Johnny Depp Banged the Lesbian Out of Amber Heard and Now They’re Engaged

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Pretty people are pretty

Amber Heard (a pretty actress you may or may not have heard of) starred with Johnny Depp in 2011′s “The Rum Diary” (a pretty movie you may or may not have seen). At the time, Depp had been with his partner and baby-mama Vanessa Paradis for almost 15 years, and Heard had been with her same-sex partner, artist Tasya van Ree, for about four years.

In mid-2012, both couples split — and Depp and Heard have been together ever since. Pure coincidence, of course.

Now sources say they’re engaged. And despite no official word from overpaid PR people, Amber was caught on camera earlier this week trying very hard to hide some bling on her left hand, so it’s probably true.

I’m not bitter. I’M NOT. (I am completely bitter.)

“It happened on Christmas Eve,” a source close to the family told Celebuzz. “Amber really took her time to make up her mind.”

“She turned him down before,” added the source, “before she said yes. So she waited and was thinking about it for a long time.”

Probably because Johnny Depp has a penis and all. But don’t go putting your bourgeois sexual orientation labels on her. When Flare magazine asked Amber last year if she identifies as bisexual, she replied:

“It is so strange to me that everyone cares … Maybe you like blondes now, but maybe you’ll be into a brunette in the future. I just don’t understand this idea that we have to choose one or the other.”

I hope she knows it’ll take more than a visit to Javier at the salon if she wants to swap out Johnny’s bits.

In any case, while it did take someone like Johnny Depp to bang all the residual traces of lesbian out of her, it seems to be a done deal now.

(I kid, of course. You can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.)

(But don’t be surprised if right-wingers want to dispatch Johnny Depp to Birkenstock stores all over the world, just in case.)

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‘Super Normal’ Shia LaBeouf Slurs Out a Drunken, Non-Plagiarized Apology for Headbutting That Dude

Shia LaBeouf, who is totally NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE, is still famous enough that when he gets all up in someone’s face at a bar and loses his fecal matter, people whip out cellphones and take video of it.

A couple days ago, Shia was at a South London pub named Hobgoblin (srsly) when some dude apparently dissed his girlfriend’s mom. And because Shia is nothing if not chivalrous, he gallantly headbutted the guy. Over a “your mom” joke.

You can hear a woman screaming his name over and over to get him to back the eff off, and eventually he does, only to be chastised by someone who sounds like an extra from “Mary Poppins” right before the video ends.

Then early this morning, video of him talking to some bar patrons later that same night emerged.

If you can’t understand his drunken slurs, here’s a partial transcript of what he says:

“I’m not trying to have, like, any more problems. Like, I’m really just trying to make peace … I’m a normal human being. Look, I accept what I get into to do what I love. I’m not trying to shit on nobody. I’m a human being, you know what I mean?

I’m super normal. Like more normal than most. When people wanna get hostile, or shit on my girl’s mom, or say things that are out of turn …

I’m sorry about that. I got no control over that. I’m just trying to make peace, you know?”

HE’S SUPER NORMAL, YOU GUYS. GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

Maybe he should stop hanging out at this joint — he was in another fight there back in November of 2012. Then again, he got into a street brawl in front of a bar in Vancouver three years ago, too. So maybe it’s not the locale, maybe it’s him (it’s totally him).

Watching the second video, I almost feel bad for the guy. He can’t even do that thing we all do when we’re drunk — where we bare our souls and think we’re being incredibly deep and poignant when really we’re just sloppy and shouldn’t speak at all — without someone taping it and selling it to a tabloid site.

Then I remember what a douche he is even when he’s sober and yeah, never mind.

Here’s Our Top 5 Oscar Snubs

Woodyallen.com

Woodyallen.com

As you’ve surely heard, the 2014 Academy Award nominations were released this morning. The complete list can be found here, so we won’t bother listing them. But, like any other year, most notable were the snubs and gaffes the Academy seems to have made. These are our top five.

5. “Inside Llewyn Davis”
The Coen brothers‘ quirky and bittersweet look at the folk music scene in 1960s Greenwich Village was blatantly ignored this year, only scoring nods for cinematography and sound mixing. The film received nothing for director nor writing, and all of its cast was overlooked — including Carey Mulligan and John Goodman in incredible, understated performances. What were they thinking?

 
4. Tom Hanks
The “Captain Phillips” star was overlooked for Best Actor, most likely bumped for “American Hustle”‘s Christian Bale. Granted, it was a crowded year. But Hanks’ performance as the embattled sea captain was one of his most touching in recent memory. Failing to recognize it can’t be anything but a blunder.

 
3. Emma Thompson
Appearing alongside Hanks in another movie, “Saving Mr. Banks,” Thompson appeared to be a shoo-in for her portrayal of “Mary Poppins” author P.L. Travers. She, too, faced steep competition. But the general consensus is that it’s Cate Blanchett‘s year, and Meryl Streep probably wouldn’t have minded forgoing her 652nd nod to make room for Mrs. Thompson.

 
2. Scarlett Johansson
In “Her,” Samantha Morton originally voiced the sentient operating system that begins to feel the weight of human emotions and complex interpersonal relationships. But when director Spike Jonze began editing, it wasn’t working, and Scarlett Johansson was brought in to record for post-production. ScarJo paints the most fully realized character in the film using only her voice — a remarkable feat. She’s also never been nominated. Talk about a missed opportunity.

 
1. Woody Allen
We mentioned earlier that Cate Blanchett is this year’s frontrunner for Best Actress for “Blue Jasmine” (as she should be). But “Jasmine” garnered nothing in the Best Picture category, nor a Best Director nod for Woody Allen. Though Woody’s in a pretty good spot for Best Original Screenplay, it seems cruel to largely ignore one of his best efforts in years.

Then again, as Woody once said, “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” (Just don’t ask Mia or Ronan Farrow for comment.)

Paris Hilton, Who Can’t Really DJ, Gets Paid a Lot of Money to DJ

Play that funky music, white girl

Play that funky music, white girl. Or just let someone else do it for you.

Since Paris Hilton can’t really make a living just being Paris Hilton anymore, she got herself a job: She’s been DJ’ing all over the world and getting paid a shitload to do it. She even recently said she’s one of the top five DJs on the planet, causing real DJs like Paul Oakenfold to sputter and make all the lolz.

So you probably won’t clutch your pearls when I tell you that someone on Quora asked “Is Paris Hilton a Good DJ?” and the answer was a resounding “mmmmno.” The photo above was provided as evidence, along with the explanation:

In the middle of Paris Hilton’s subpar deejay debut in Brazil [in 2012], a man suddenly appeared from behind the booth and started twisting the knobs on her Traktor Kontrol, essentially doing her job for her.

Never in my life have I seen a DJ – professional or amateur – let another person touch anything in their personal space while they are at work. It just isn’t done… unless of course, the person in front of the crowd is not really deejaying.

Paris plays pre-programmed mixes, none of which are any good. She doesn’t mix at all while she’s on stage. She dresses like a cocktail party guest instead of like an actual DJ. She spends more time dancing on stage than actually spinning records. Even after dating Afrojack, one of the top DJs in the world, she clearly does not have a grasp of how to play for a crowd.

In fairness, sleeping with someone does not magically infuse you with their powers. (If that were true, I’d play one hell of a guitar solo.) (And maybe some drums too.)

Meanwhile, someone else went all existential:

The question contains an invalid assumption: Paris Hilton is not a DJ. Claiming this is the most offensive thing you can say to any real DJ. She’s a moronic celebrity, aiming to “look cool” behind the decks, nothing else. Therefore she cannot be “good” at something she is not at all in the first place.

Which begs the question: If an heiress falls in the woods and there’s no one around to hear her, does she just hire someone else to make a sound?

There’s A Religion Based on Kanye West And Now We Have To Break Something

Yeezianity.com

Yeezianity.com

It’s a well established fact that Kanye West has believed he is a deity (douchity?) for some time. Now some asshole has validated him by creating Yeezianity – a new religion that professes Kanye is a messenger from god. It’s just what we need.

This is, unfortunately, a real group “who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is a divine being who has been sent by God to usher in a New Age of humanity.” Seriously.

The founder of the pseudo-religion – who wishes to remain anonymous – gave an interview with Noisey and explained himself, claiming he was serious but spouting such inane bullshit that anyone with a vague grasp of who Kanye West is wouldn’t be able to believe him:

“First of all, he is the most honest person in our culture. He has the highest moral standards and highest integrity. He is the most creative person. And as it’s typical with creative people, he gets a lot of flack from the lower minded masses. It’s not even that they don’t like him, it’s that they don’t know what he’s doing because the press gives it this negative spin all the time. And now it’s people feed on it so it’s this constant negative trance. But, like, College Dropout is probably still my favorite album of all-time.”

Hear that? Kanye has the highest moral standards. He’s also the most creative. (Somewhere, Lady Gaga is hanging up a hat made of catheter tubes and weeping.)

The religion has 5 pillars, which is a complete rip off of Islam (which ripped off Christianity, which ripped off the Torah). You’d think a religion devoted to creativity would try harder. Regardless, they are as follows:

1. All things created must be for the good of all
2. No human being’s right to express themselves must ever be repressed
3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange
4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs
5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

Sounds pretty good, right? It also sounds like vague platitudes that Phillip Seymour Hoffman might spit out in a blooper reel for “The Master.” Not the mention that we’ve never seen Kanye West disown any money.

Other pillars that should be considered include:

1. Thou shalt have your body guards beat the shit out of people for minor inconveniences

or

2. Thou shalt wear a mask to protect thine heavenly artistic integrity

Yezianity is pretty much all set to start a new crusade – kicking photographers in the balls and setting up shrines to Dat Azzz® everywhere. Now we just have to wait for Richard Dawkins to run into a member of the church on the street for an impromptu debate.

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Yesterday Was a Bad Day to Be Justin Bieber’s BFF

You know you're jelly of those onesies

You know you’re jelly of those onesies

By now, pretty much everyone knows the LAPD busted up into Justin Bieber‘s house yesterday with so much manpower that you’d have thought he was a Colombian gun-runner instead of a wannabe banger who winged a few dozen eggs at a neighbor’s house and was stupid enough to be caught on video doing it.

During the raid, cops found what they thought was a pile of cocaine “in plain sight” and arrested Lil Za, one of the Biebs’ hangers-on besties. Still unclear is why they arrested HIM when it wasn’t his house, but since Justin is the bitch who makes all the money, Za probably just took one for the team. (The drugs were later reported to be Ecstasy and Xanax, not coke — which translates to a lot less jail time, should it come to that.)

Za was booked for felony drug possession but posted bail a short time later and was mere minutes from freedom when he inexplicably lost his shit and tore up a phone in the jailhouse. That got his dumb ass booked again, this time for vandalism. Because he’s not rich or famous enough to vandalize things and call it art.

Upon his eventual release, he did a walk of shame during which the paparazzi asked him a bunch of idiotic questions they knew he wouldn’t answer, but the main takeaway from that is his inane nickname is apparently pronounced “zay” and not “zah.” (Which totally ruins all the “pizZA” jokes everyone made about him on Twitter yesterday.)

As for the Biebs, the LAPD collected all kinds of evidence from his house yesterday — including his security system, which presumably has video — but at this time, a police spokesman says he “has not been exonerated, nor has he been arrested.”

Tina Fey + Amy Poehler: A Swiftie Compendium

Twitter

Twitter

There’s a scene in Peter Weir‘s vastly underrated 1986 adaptation of “The Mosquito Coast” where Allie Fox, played by Harrison Ford, is prattling on about the problems with America. He’s walking with a young aboriginal who doesn’t understand English, but imparts the following knowledge anyway: “There are people in New York who live on pet food and would kill you for a quarter.”

Notice that if you replace “people” with “Taylor Swift fans” the sentence still makes perfect sense.

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