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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s Split Is More Pretentious Than Brunch in the Hamptons

Because Gwyneth Paltrow can’t even have her heart broken like a poor, she took to her website today to announce that she and her husband of more than a decade, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are “consciously uncoupling.”

GOOP crashed hard (and is still down as of this writing) but here’s a screencap:

paltrow-martin-split

This is all very sad and WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN and whatever, but look at the photo she included. See, when normal people break up, they take Magic Markers and draw evil eyebrows on their exes. Not the Paltrow-Martins.

It looks like they commissioned a portrait session for their split complete with sundresses and ties casually askew, and they probably had Cee Lo’s “Forget You” playing the whole time (Gwyneth’s version from “Glee,” naturally) because they’re evolved enough to already be good friends who can laugh at breakup songs with no residual bitterness at all.

But I like to imagine that late at night, when no one’s looking, she heads for the kitchen and breakup-binges like any other girl. (With an $800 bottle of wine and beluga caviar on gluten-free gourmet crackers, of course.)

Gwyneth-Paltrow eating

Sam Worthington Beat the Shit Out of A Paparazzo

Remember Sam Worthington? That bland, generically good-looking fellow who starred in “Avatar” and that super shitty “Terminator” sequel that you haven’t thought about since? Well, here’s some video of him beating up a photographer for harrassing his girlfriend.

Model Lara Bingle was walking around the streets of New York aimlessly when the pap began following her and talking to himself like a hobo with a copy of Dianetics – endlessly repeating “I got it on video!” before any of this went down.

After Bingle kicked the photog and told him to stop following her, he kept at it, eventually leading to Jake Sully Worthington running out, smacking him to the ground and screaming “You want to fucking kick me wife?”

The two aren’t actually married, but have been together since 2013.

Both Worthington and the pap were taken in, Sam for assault and the photog – Sheng Li – for reckless endangerment, assault and harassment.

Too bad they couldn’t just plug their hair into the Earth and live in harmony, or whatever.

Let’s Check In On Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley Cyrus is in the middle of her Bangerz tour, where she’s been struggling to do all sorts of crazy shit nightly and maintain her headline quota.

First, she pretended to masturbate on stage, which probably made Madonna spit fetus blood all over in outrage.

Then Miley decided to up the ante by miming fellatio to a guy in a Bill Clinton mask. But this wasn’t very controversial, either. It’s ancient history, and everyone except maybe Glenn Beck is over it. (By the way: Miley was six years old when the Lewinsky scandal hit.)

And because that wasn’t doing the trick, she then did the same thing to Abe Lincoln, who looks mighty stoic for someone being graced by the all-knowing Tongue of Cyrus.

Regardless, she at least looks healthy and is delivering exactly what her fans want. Like this one:

So what’s next, Miley? Maybe you could sit on the face of an Aaron Burr lookalike as he duels Alexander Hamilton. Maybe you could reenact the Salem witch trials and writhe around on a portrait of Cotton Mathers.

Either way, thank you for giving our youth a crash course in American history/assless chaps. You are a patriot.

The Speed Read: A Compendium of Shit We Missed

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As you may have noticed, we’ve been MIA for a while as we traveled to Sochi and personally delivered Bob Costas some eye patches signed by ’70s-era David Bowie. During that period, we let some things slide. Here’s a recap of everything pertinent.

  • Unfortunately, Justin Bieber didn’t get bitch slapped by Blake Griffin
    The internet went wild after a story surfaced claiming Justin Bieber made a scene at Starbucks after being denied the precious elixir of life – a carmel apple macchiato – because he was (of course) shirtless. Then NBA star Blake Griffin, who was conveniently seated nearby, supposedly smacked the snot out of him. Alas, it wasn’t true.
  • Ellen Page is a tiny, magnificent gay woman
    In news you probably already surmised, Ellen Page bravely came out in a beautiful speech at the Human Rights Campaign conference.
  • Shia LaBeouf is still a complete asshat
    In an attempt to shoehorn in on Ellen’s moment, Shia LaDouche plagiarized her speech at a rally in front of LA’s ACLU home base, explaining to the crowd he’s a lesbian. This is all part of Shia’s continuing campaign to paint himself as a complete dick while vehemently apologizing for ruining the Indiana Jones franchise, and pretty much every other project he’s brought into the world while maintaining he’s not famous anymore. We wish he weren’t.
  • Courtney Stodden is blonde once more
    After a two-month stint as a brunette, Courtney Stodden is blonde again.
  • The always trustworthy Lindsay Lohan says her mother isn’t a coke fiend
    Lindsay Lohan responded via her lawyer to a Fox News story claiming she did coke with her mom Dina (during a segment about celebrities who have overdosed). Mark Heller, her screwball lawyer, said it was an attempt to imply she too would overdose. We suspect plenty of people have made that call without Fox News.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow may be having a super healthy extra-marital affair
    Whisper, a creepy app for you to anonymously explain that you accidentally forgot to feed your neighbor’s dog while they were on vacation, says G.P. is cheating on hubby Chris Martin. With something other than a sex toy made from hardened kale.
  • Tori Amos is back, not sorry
    After consulting with the faeries, Tori Amos is finally releasing a new album and going on tour once more. Here’s the fierce cover art.
  • Farrah Abraham shot another porno and pretended to be upset about it.
    After pretending her first porn video was a “private, leaked tape,” she went ahead and shot another one. She then claimed that it was comprised of unused footage from the first tape and is super devastated about it. But she’s still calling Vivid to get at those residuals.
  • Charlie Sheen got engaged to his next ex-wife.
    Thrice-married Charlie, 48, put a ring on girlfriend Brett Rossi — a 24-year-old porn star. What could possibly go wrong.
  • Katy Perry may or may not be engaged to John Mayer.
    She’s been gallivanting around with a diamond ring on that all-important finger but acting like it’s no big, which either means she’s trolling everyone harder than the billygoats’ gruff or she’s just not ready to talk about it. (Insider tip: Look for her to suddenly be ready to talk about it once chatter about the ring dies down.)
  • Simon Cowell became a father.
    Simon’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman gave birth to son Eric, named after Simon’s dad, on Valentine’s Day. Lauren, as you may recall, was married to a good friend of Simon’s not terribly long ago, proving that if you’re patient, you can marry a rich guy and eventually ditch him for one of his richer, more famous pals. (What. We’re not Danielle Steele here.)
  • Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto are hooking up.
    An “insider” (aka someone who works in the Us Weekly mailroom) reports, “They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!” Whatever. GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF JORDAN CATALANO, WHORE.
  • Okay, that’ll do for now. More soon, promise. Kisses.

    RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman. We’ll Miss You So.

    Dreamworks

    Dreamworks

    Celebrity deaths don’t normally feel so personal — but Philip Seymour Hoffman seemed like someone you’d know. He wasn’t classically handsome or suave and he never had a string of supermodels on his arm. He wasn’t afraid of being the frumpy everyman.

    He was supremely talented. But, almost as proof of his outsized humanity, he struggled with drug addiction. After being clean for 23 years, he recently checked himself into rehab. Sadly, he couldn’t outrun the demons this time. He was found in his NYC apartment today, dead of an apparent heroin overdose at the age of 46.

    His amazing performances are legend, but in this one from “Almost Famous,” it always seemed to me that he wasn’t really acting. Like even though Cameron Crowe wrote the words, they were things Hoffman would’ve said anyway.

    “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we’re uncool.”

    RIP, PSH.

    Suck It, Miley: Helen Mirren Out-Twerks Everyone

    In case you didn’t know, Dame Helen Mirren is one of the best people in the world ever. From cussing out noisy assholes to delivering insanely poignant performances, she can do it all. Apparently that includes twerking.

    The 68-year-old actress appeared at Harvard University this week to receive its Hasty Pudding Theatricals Woman Of The Year award, and played a charades like-game where she had to act out items on cards for others to guess.

    Twerking eventually reared its head and, after asserting “I refuse to do it” and a failed attempt to spell the word with her hands, she let out a defeated cursing fit – then declared “Okay,” and threw down the infamous dance move.

    Needless to say, it was the classiest twerk ever.

    Later, during a ceremonial roast, Mirren opened up about her career, telling the audience that Harrison Ford was the “hottest actor I ever worked with,” (that would be Peter Weir’s phenomenal “The Mosquito Coast”) and said that Meryl Streep would best her in a fight (questionable).

    Congratulations, Helen. You’re the twerking queen. Literally.

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    Rihanna Photobombing the ‘Full House’ Cast Wins the Day

    BfJuYe_IIAAtFVJ.jpg_large

    It’s been a while since we’ve seen a good photobomb. Enter Rihanna.

    Bob Saget, John Stamos and Mr. Duplicity Dave Coulier appeared on “GMA” this morning to plug their upcoming Super Bowl ad for Dannon Oikos yogurt. Meanwhile, RiRi was there pimping her line of MAC Viva Glam makeup.

    But between segments, the “Full House” boys decided to take a selfie (apparently they’re all 16 years old), and that’s when Rihanna stepped in. The result is awesome.

    That said, we still don’t understand what the big deal about yogurt is. (Sorry, Jamie Lee Curtis.)

    Justin Bieber Is Moving Somewhere. Stay On Notice, America.

    Instagram

    Instagram

    After being constantly hassled by his troll neighbors patriots, Justin Bieber has finally had enough, and is high-talin’ his ass somewhere else.

    TMZ reports the teen menace has instructed his realtor to sell his Calabasas, CA home and find a “sprawling space” far away from neighbors, claiming he feels “trapped and violated.”

    Apparently Justin wants enough space for his own skate park and ATV course — sort of like a Neverland Ranch for douches. (Remember: in wide space, no one can hear Selena Gomez scream.)

    Personally, we hope he buys a plot next to Harrison Ford‘s ranch in Jackson, Wyoming. Because Harrison Ford does not negotiate with egg terrorists, and he doesn’t put up with any bullshit. It’d make a great reality show.

    But the real terror is knowing that the Biebs may be touring homes in your area, and that’s enough to keep someone up at night. Not even Mr. Rogers wants to put up with Justin’s shit.

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    Justin Bieber Got His Dumb Ass Arrested

    By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.

    You want details? Worship at the altar of TMZ.

    As for us, we’re just stirring up shit by doctoring his mugshot (see above) and poking sticks in the cage of beliebers on Twitter. As we do.

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    The Captain & Tennille Are Getting Divorced. Love Is Well and Truly Dead.

    And the muskrats wept

    And the muskrats wept

    All of you under 30, go watch MTV or something for a while (kids still do that, right?). And if you hear your mom crying, it’s okay. She’s just mourning the death of love because Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille — aka the Captain & Tennille, America’s greatest purveyors of 70s pop schmaltz — are getting divorced.

    And the story might be even sadder than it already seems.

    The couple, who is responsible for such classic hits as “Love Will Keep Up Together” and “Muskrat Love,” is breaking up after 39 years of marriage.

    The Prescott, Arizona City Courthouse tells RumorFix that Toni Tennille, whose real name is Cathryn Antoinette Tennille, 73, filed for divorce against Daryl Dragon, 71, on January 16.

    Awful, right? Couples that age who’ve been together that long very rarely split. It’s enough to make a LOLCAT cry.

    But then TMZ added a new twist — because it spoke to Daryl, who not only said he and Toni are still living together, but added, “I don’t know why she filed. I gotta figure it out for myself first.”

    That makes no sense — until you hear the rest of the story (emphasis mine):

    According to the divorce docs, obtained by TMZ, there’s special mention about health insurance coverage, and that seems relevant, because in 2009 Toni blogged that Daryl had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. In 2011 Toni updated the message, saying Daryl’s tremors were so bad he was embarrassed to go out in public … to restaurants, the movies, etc.

    Here’s what’s unclear — whether it’s possible Toni really filed for health insurance reasons … whether his coverage might be better if they were divorced.

    The blog has an update on Jan 16, 2014, saying “The Captain & Tennille appeared to the public as them being the ideal model for a ‘rock-solid’ married pair. But almost all people naturally evolve over time, & sometimes hidden feelings start to be uncovered …”

    The Captain & Tennille never achieved the same hipster cred (nor the accompanying tribute albums) contemporaries of theirs like The Carpenters did, but even still, most of the celebrity net worth sites on the web peg Toni’s worth alone at $9 million. Assuming that’s true, it’s hard to imagine she’s undoing a four-decade marriage just to save a little money. (Then again, insurance companies are douchebags, so.)

    No idea what’s really going on here, but either way, it’s all terribly depressing.