Melissa Joan Hart’s Memoir Could Retroactively Ruin Your Childhood

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If you were a product of the ’90s, you grew up with Melissa Joan Hart of “Clarissa Explains It All” and ” Sabrina The Teenage Witch” (but never “Melissa and Joey”) fame. You remember — she was one of the few constants in your life as you hid in the basement and tried to ignore your parents’ arguing.

But now she’s written a tell-all memoir in which she exposes her secret life and all the drugs she took with that animatronic cat. And also ruins your childhood.

“I experimented with weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms and mescaline for about a year and a half,” she told Life & Style magazine while plugging the book, adding that in 1999 she took ecstasy at the Playboy mansion, made out with a woman during the limo ride home and then went straight to a Maxim photo shoot while still high (and muttering obscenities at Ferguson).

That was the “third or fourth” time she took X, and she later began to suspect she was being led astray. “I was kind of running with a bad crowd,” she says, explaining that she didn’t like losing control of herself when she was under the influence. At one point she claims Paris Hilton offered her cocaine, but Melissa turned her down — which is a shame, because they could have made a sex tape that ripped the very fabric of our society.

She also claims she made out with Jerry O’Connell and Nick Carter, and that she booted Ashton Kutcher out of a few of her cool coven gatherings parties for making “smartass remarks.” Sounds about right.

Melissa Explains It All: Tales from My Abnormally Normal Life” will be released on Oct. 28th. Schedule your therapy appointments accordingly.