Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

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Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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