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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s Split Is More Pretentious Than Brunch in the Hamptons

Because Gwyneth Paltrow can’t even have her heart broken like a poor, she took to her website today to announce that she and her husband of more than a decade, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are “consciously uncoupling.”

GOOP crashed hard (and is still down as of this writing) but here’s a screencap:

paltrow-martin-split

This is all very sad and WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN and whatever, but look at the photo she included. See, when normal people break up, they take Magic Markers and draw evil eyebrows on their exes. Not the Paltrow-Martins.

It looks like they commissioned a portrait session for their split complete with sundresses and ties casually askew, and they probably had Cee Lo’s “Forget You” playing the whole time (Gwyneth’s version from “Glee,” naturally) because they’re evolved enough to already be good friends who can laugh at breakup songs with no residual bitterness at all.

But I like to imagine that late at night, when no one’s looking, she heads for the kitchen and breakup-binges like any other girl. (With an $800 bottle of wine and beluga caviar on gluten-free gourmet crackers, of course.)

Gwyneth-Paltrow eating