We skipped last week’s Goop newsletter because it was simply a retrospective celebrating five years of existence. So just assume we’d have titled it “This Week in Goop: Five Years of Pretentious Shit You Can’t Afford” and we’ll move along.
In the current issue, we start with gluten-free pasta and the best sauces for it. “For example,” the newsletter says, “brown rice pasta needs a flavorful but lightweight sauce to accommodate its bold taste but delicate texture.” Of course it does.
Brown rice pasta does sound pretty good, but our idea of pasta variety lately has just involved switching brands after that guy from Barilla said all that stupid shit about gays, so there you go. That said, most of the recipes here look fabulous (if unrealistic for those of us without live-in chefs).
Now that you’re good and hungry, let’s move on to rail-thin models who will silently shame you for it.
This is one of Gwyneth’s takes on “workwear.” All told, the entire ensemble — including the ring and the bag — will set you back a couple grand. But never mind that. We’re just curious where the lady in this photo actually works, because her leather leggings would seem to indicate it is not open during daylight hours.
Oh, and YAY! We also saw the return of the sweatshirt that cost more than my first car!
If you missed it before, it’s basically a $5 sweatshirt, $20 of fake gemstones, and several hours of serious work with a Bedazzler. But if you don’t have that kind of time, you can always just give $845 to Goop (seriously) and they’ll take care of it for you.
Pair it with a $495 leather cheerleader skirt and some pricey designer heels, and it may not be the “workwear” Goop claims it is (no, really, WHERE THE HELL DO THESE WOMEN WORK), but it would make the perfect “one-percenter” Halloween costume.
For another outfit, Gwynnie recommends accessorizing with a “rad ring.” And by that she doesn’t mean a ring that’s rad — she means a ring that literally says “rad.”
She’s obviously been trying to make “rad” happen for a while now (the description for the ring calls the word “one of our favorite goop-isms”) so if you have $1550 and can wait five weeks, you can wear it in 18k gold and help her fulfill a dream.
Finally, Goop shills a juice cleanse that starts at $100/day, and closes with a bunch of tips for preserving the fading remnants of your summer tan. You know, the one you got at all those English Garden Parties in the Hamptons.
As always, Gwynnie, we’re not worthy.