This Week in Goop: Gwyneth Redefines Sports, Tours Copenhagen and Learns the Alphabet

In the beginning of this week’s newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow says that sportswear is going to be influencing “how we dress for the next two seasons at least.” What does that mean, exactly? It’s not really clear. But she did invite the good folks at SSENSE, a trendy outfitter, to explain.

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Flash people in style.

Ah, yes. See how sportswear has affected this fall and winter ensemble? Particularly that heavy coat (perfect for racquetball) and the stilettos (for biking). There’s also a lovely, compact Valentino purse to keep your tennis balls in while on the court. Sports!

Let’s move on to a Stella McCartney/Fran Drescher shirt. And how might today’s modern woman tell the world she hates water but appreciates the hard structure that’s beneath the skin of her head? How about a $660 umbrella with a skull handle? Brilliant.

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That umbrella is 2spooky.

There’s also a $460 beige sweatshirt that your spinster aunt wore all the time and some wheat earrings (ironic, considering Gwyneth explodes into flame if she eats wheat or any of its byproducts).

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That ring is named Chloe?

Following this, the people who work at SSENSE provided a list of songs they’ve been listening to lately, because we’re supposed to believe their musical taste is any better than their taste in clothing. Then we’re treated to an interview with Rolf and Mette Hay, cofounders of a design house in Copenhagen. They do lovely work but this is is exceedingly boring and self-serving so let’s just skip it.

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Next the GOOPers broke down the entire alphabet and attributed letters to things in Copenhagen. For example, T is for tiny furniture and P is for pretty graffiti. But they couldn’t get every letter. We’ll forgive X,Y and Z, but E? They couldn’t think of any E words? Not to mention that they didn’t use K for kringle. Pure laziness.

But without this guide, we wouldn’t be able to waltz around Copenhagen in $500 skinny jeans, shopping for designer furniture. We might even be mistaken for poors. And for that, we’re grateful.

As always, Gwynnie, we’re not worthy.

Gwyneth-Paltrow hair toss