This Week in Goop: $800 Bedazzled Sweatshirts + Podcast Suggestions from on High

It seems that Gwyneth Paltrow had a busy schedule this week, because she pretty much gave up on the Goop newsletter (probably to go boating with the Kennedys or something). So instead of a plethora of items in a handy grid that you can print off and use as a dart board, she put a few outfits together.

This week’s highlighted item is this glorious dark green sweatshirt — complete with glued-on gemstones of some sort (Gwynnie calls them “Swarovski embellishment”) — for a mere $845. She says this one is a “statement sweatshirt,” the statement apparently being “I am emotionally and financially unstable.”

If you vomit on this sweatshirt, no one will know.

If you vomit on this sweatshirt, no one will know.

Moving on, we’re treated to some of fall’s hottest trends, including (but not limited to):

"I'm always on duty!"

“I’m always on duty!”

This Inspector Gadget ensemble has a $3,355 Stella McCartney coat that will make you look like a very sophisticated flasher. There’s also a $270 pair of highwater jeans from Acne. Because when life gives you acne, make expensive jeans.

There was also this:

WARP SPEED

WARP SPEED

Do you have to play an alien in a low-budget film from the 1950s? Do you want to cosplay as an extra from “The Jetsons”? Gwyneth Paltrow has your ass covered in this $2,195 Victoria Beckham dress.

Next, we have this assortment of fancy shoes in the following order: Pee wee Herman shoes, Fran Drescher shoes and some sort of gaudy cross between the two.

Screen Shot 2013-09-19 at 6.59.19 PM

After this we move onto an article by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, who instead of writing for medical journals is now doing pieces for Gwyneth Paltrow’s trust fund baby newsletter. In it, he speaks about how online relationships are unhealthy and how we must seek to cultivate “real” relationships instead. So we decided not to Facebook-share his work out of spite.

And, finally, Gwyneth ends the newsletter by being super lazy and just listing a bunch of podcasts she listens to. One of them, “The Dinner Party,” is designed to let you brush up on conversational topics for all the dinner parties you’ll attend this week. But because some of us just cram Ramen noodles into our mouths over the sink while watching “Catfish” on MTV, this is completely useless.

There are a few good ones, like The New Yorker’s “Out Loud,” but most of them are generic bullshit like TED talks or “Meet the Press” or “This American Life” (which is great, but we all know about it). No “Welcome to Nightvale.”  No “Ask Me Another.” Overall, very disappointing.

But when you’re looking fabulous in a $2,000 space suit that you’ll wear one time during New York fashion week and then give to a hobo to use as drapes on a cardboard box, who needs entertainment?

As always, Gwynnie, we’re not worthy.

Gwyneth-Paltrow-Cucumber