Chris Brown and His Stupid Ass Got Arrested Again

Maybe he's praying for common sense

Maybe he’s praying for common sense

Because Chris Brown is smart and misunderstood and gentle like a puppy, he’s been arrested a slew of times — most recently on Sunday morning for felony assault.

Seems Chris was hosting a party at the Park and 14th nightclub in DC on Saturday night before proving that old adage saying “nothing good ever happens after midnight.” And that other old adage saying “Chris Brown is a rage monster who’s an easy target for anyone looking for their 15 minutes so maybe his dumb ass shouldn’t be out at 4am.”

TMZ sez:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … at around 4:30 AM Brown got into an argument with a man outside the W Hotel on K Street and allegedly punched him once in the face. We’re told the alleged victim never threw a punch.

The alleged victim tells TMZ … he and a friend were hanging out at the W when they saw 2 women about to take a picture with Brown. The victim — who says he’s not a Chris Brown fan — says he and his buddy photo bombed the 2 women and Chris went nuts, punching him in the face and BREAKING HIS NOSE. He went to the hospital and says he may need surgery as early as tomorrow.

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.” After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Of course Breezy’s posse tells a different story:

Sources connected with Chris tell TMZ … the alleged victim is full of BS. He was NOT trying to take a pic with Chris … he was trying to get on Chris’ tour bus, and Brown was simply trying to stop a trespass. The sources say before the incident the 2 girls tried to get on the bus but they were stopped, and that’s when the victim and his friend made their move.

Brown and his bodyguard were both arrested, and when you get your ass thrown in a DC clink on a weekend, you stay there until a magistrate can see you on Monday. So that’s where he still is — and since he’s already on probation in California for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face a few years ago, he could wind up in a metric shit-ton of trouble.

The “victim,” meanwhile, has already lawyered up and is probably just deciding how many zeros his check should have.

UPDATE: The felony charge was reduced to a misdemeanor and Chris was released without bail. And back in L.A., the suits are deciding whether he violated his probation. If so, he could face four years in jail. (HAHAHAHAHA JK. Rich people don’t do time.)

[Photo via Twitter]

It’s Cute How Special Kylie Jenner Thinks She Is

Behold the Queen of the Children of the Corn

Behold the Queen of the Children of the Corn

Kylie Jenner, the youngest of the Kardashian Koven, is 16 years old and quasi-famous only because one of her big sisters made a porno and got the family a reality franchise. So of course she’s part of Hollywood’s new generation of enfants terribles.

From People:

On Oct. 18, the 16-year-old “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” star reportedly cruised into a luxe Beverly Hills hotel around 8:30 p.m. with her longtime friend Jaden Smith, 15, and a group of other young pals.

According to a hotel source, Kylie was in “a good mood” – that is, until she requested employees provide her and her pals alcohol and bottle service.

An insider claims that when Kylie was turned down, she berated the hotel host, asking, “Do you know who I am?” The source adds that the reality star also declared the swanky hotel “not worth her time.”

We’re told the host held firm as Jenner stormed out of the bar with her entourage while reportedly cursing that the establishment was “f–– lame.”

“She was a complete nightmare,” says the hotel source. “She started out really nice. But when she didn’t get what she wanted, it was like someone flipped a switch.”

The fact that someone said this happened isn’t surprising. The fact that People reported it is — because of all the media outlets, it’s the most celeb-friendly (generally it’s just an echo chamber for publicists). So when it spills dirt, it’s not speculation. That shit happened, yo.

Today, Kylie dropped some wisdom (or at least as much as a girl who’s besties with the empty vessel of Jaden Smith can drop).

 
If you’re snickering at her definition of “class” and “dignity,” just remember she was raised by Kris Jenner, who has no problem with a 16-year-old girl getting manicures like this or posting photos like this. Everything’s subjective.
 

Evil Paparazzi Caused Dina Lohan to Drive Drunk

Instagram/Vodka

Instagram/Vodka

Dina Lohan appeared in court today for her drunk driving arrest last month with an alleged BAC of .2 and, as per usual, was all ready to pin this thing on the real villain: paparazzi.

Mark Heller, her self-parodying lawyer, gave a statement after the hearing, saying:

“It is the professional opinion of the evaluator that the circumstances leading to Dina’s arrest were largely caused by ongoing daily stresses caused by you folks the paparazzi, media attention and distorted tabloid character profiles.”

“After meeting Dina and her family and witnessing the care, compassion and concern shared by family members,  it is my hope that the courts will take the challenges of Dina’s lifestyle under consideration in prosecuting this case.”

It sounds like Heller may enjoy the gin made in Lindsay Lohan‘s childhood bathtub just as much as Dina does.

The paparazzi excuse is cute, but completely fails to explain Dina’s drunken stupors the other 364 days of the year. Not to mention that judges don’t typically let people go just because they have a family who cares about them (which, in Dina’s case, is dubious).

It’s not clear whether Dina seriously thinks this approach will work, but she probably does. She’s 51 and still believes the Whiskey Fairy raids her liquor cabinets.

(Hint: It’s Ali.)

Science! With Tila Tequila!

Facebook

Facebook

Tila Tequila is known for many things. Most of them involve making an ass of herself on VH1 and bikinis. But what you may not have known is that she’s an avid cosmologist, explaining trying to  explain our universe’s deepest mysteries on her Facebook:

None of the astronomers can figure out why our Moon is there since it doesn’t belong, but that’s because it used to be one of Nibiru’s Moons before it crashed into Earth leaving the debris in what is now known as the “Asteroid Belt.” – What’s interesting is that history does tend to repeat itself. It’s like everything is just looping, however that is all about to change. The Earth will once again split into 2 but not exactly in the way that you may think. Starting this month all the way to 2014 is going to be a lot of interesting events play out that we have yet to witness. It will be the most painful transition for the sleepers because of the drastic changes. Then we get to “level up.” – well.. some of us. This isn’t the first time Earth is gong through a wormhole, but I guess a lot of people don’t really care about anything until the last minute????? WHY!??!!?

So we were originally going to contact Lawrence Krauss, renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist, to weigh in here but we ultimately figured he was busy with hardcore science-y stuff.

So, in layman’s terms: the moon was formed when a body the size of Mars slammed into Earth, causing molten rock debris to fly into space, which then collected because of gravity and cooled to be the moon. That’s why the moon is there. Also, it isn’t going through a wormhole.

But, hey, Tila. We can’t wait for you to “level up.”  (We like video games, too.) And hopefully your interest in this parrots the interests of other reality stars. Tell Bret Michaels we want him to write a post about loop quantum gravity.

Porn Star Farrah Abraham Says She’s Not a Porn Star

Just because she posed for this doesn't mean she believes it

Just because she posed for this doesn’t mean she believes it

In “Backdoor Teen Mom,” Farrah Abraham willingly and enthusiastically busied pretty much all her bodily orifices (except maybe her ear holes) on camera. Then she sold the tape to Vivid, an adult film company. Then she bought herself a new rack and promoted her sex tape (and herself) at strip clubs and porn expos. Oh, and then she signed a deal to sell rubber replicas of her vaj and b-hole, and even posed spread-eagled as the molds were being made.

But, as she recently told TheGloss, that doesn’t make her a porn star or anything.

“I am not a porn star. I’m going to be done doing adult gentlemen’s clubs and exotica expos soon, you know. At first I loved doing that, meeting new fans that appreciated me as being on ‘Teen Mom’ and having a sex video that was out. Now I feel like it’s gotten too far and I just kinda want to be done with that. I think going out and doing some of these things are fun, but when it gets to a point when it’s not fun, it’s more distracting, I’m not about that anymore.”

TL;DR: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

By the way, she may not be a porn star (she’s totally a porn star), but according to her personal website, she is “your go to public figure.”
 

If You’re Over 40, Stop Having Sex. You’re Grossing Out Miley Cyrus.

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like her?

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like her?

We thought by ignoring her “SNL” crap and her “Today” show performance this morning that we might be able to go ONE WHOLE DAY without mentioning something Miley Cyrus did. Then she had to go and actually SPEAK to Matt Lauer, causing more stupid shit we can’t ignore to fall out of her cakehole.

Matt: Is this a phase? Is the sexual side of you that we’re seeing a lot of something that’s going to be here for a while and then you’ll be on to something else?

Miley: Well I heard that when you turn 40, things start to go a little less sexual. So probably around 40, around that time, I heard that’s when people don’t have sex anymore, so I guess maybe around then.

Matt: Do you know how old I am?

Miley: I’m going to guess 40.

Matt: I love you again. I’m 55.

Miley: 55? Oh well, then you’re really definitely not sexual.

I don’t know which part of this is more infuriating — that she thinks antics like flashing her vag to Terry Richardson make her an authority on sexuality, or that she plans on shoving her pancake ass in our faces for another 20 years.

What I do know is Helen Mirren is 68 years old, and that woman is heat on feet. I know Angela Basset is 55 and sexy in a way few women will ever be. I know Madonna‘s 55-year-old “definitely not sexual” parts somehow manage to keep her 25-year-old boyfriend happy.

And I also know it’s obvious Miley Cyrus doesn’t yet understand “sexy” is an attitude, not a look — and that right now, she doesn’t have either one.
 

If You Don’t Know ‘Obamacare’ Is Just the ACA’s Nickname, You’re Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Late last week, my TV wife Rachel Maddow talked about some polls showing that the Affordable Care Act has at least a 10 percent higher approval rating than “Obamacare” does — EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE THE EXACT SAME THING. Also, when you break the law down, point by point, people actually like it no matter what it’s called. A “man on the street” segment on last night’s Jimmy Kimmel bears this out.

This means two things. One, proponents of the ACA have done a shitty job explaining what’s in it. And two, stupid people are stupid.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled government shutdown, already in progress.

Donald Trump Never Takes a Day Off From Being a Douche

Donald Trump

Facebook

Today is, of course, the 12-year anniversary of the terrible attacks of September 11, 2001, when 2,977 people lost their lives. New Yorkers felt this pain and horror more than most, and consequently, tend to handle the situation with a bit more tact and couth.

Unless, of course, they’re Donald Trump, who fired off the following tweet first thing this morning:

It’s hard to pinpoint everything that’s wrong with this, but we’ll begin with the fact that he used a day of national tragedy to specifically address “haters and losers.” What, exactly, makes a hater or a loser? Terrorists probably hate Donald Trump. We’d say they’re losers, too. Did Donald Trump just give Al Qaeda his “best wishes”? Sounds like it.

Then he calls it a “special date.” What the hell does that mean? Birthdays are special dates. Wedding anniversaries. Shit, even dinner at Hooters on a Wednesday. All these things are more “special” than a day when countless lives were needlessly taken and the entire nation was shaken.

Yeah, the United States recovered. But this is a day we like to remember the heroism that rose from the ashes of Ground Zero. That’s what today’s for. Not for calling out people who hate you. (Protip, Donald: It’s the majority.)

So … Donald Trump gave glad tidings to haters and losers (don’t forget, terrorists qualify!) before calling 9/11 a “special date.”

Stop tweeting support for the enemy, sir.

Lesbian Feminist Farrah Abraham Is Your New Joan of Arc. Or Something.

Instagram

Instagram

Farrah Abraham‘s “Let’s talk about Farrah Abraham” press tour is currently in its Florida leg, so she recently gave an interview to the Miami NewTimes. And in between reading David Hume’s “A Treatise on Human Nature” and daintily nibbling on crumpets, she repeated her lame story that James Deen, her porn co-star, leaked what she intended to be a “private” tape. (Because Farrah attended the Walter White school of lying.)

The interviewer, Allie Contri, then said it was “pretty shitty” of Deen to leak their tape (a phrase Edward R. Murrow employed often), and then used that as a springboard onto the subject we all wanted Farrah to discuss: feminism.

Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I’m pretty feminine. I think so.

Not feminine — feminist.
What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?

No, that’s not what I’m asking at all.
What context are you saying it in?

It’s a complicated concept, but I guess at it’s most basic, it means that women are equal to men.
Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day.

So, not just on Tuesdays? For someone who holds herself up as a role model for women, a 21st century single mother who’s in control of her sexuality, she may want to crack a book once in a while. But in all fairness, she also believes “misogyny” is a fear of miso soup. So, you know.

Undaunted, Ms. Contri pressed on, asking Farrah about her ungodly abomination of an album. Farrah wasn’t in the mood, wanting to promote her strip club appearance at Vivid Live instead.

And so –
So was this not about the club at all? Because I’ll make sure to tell Jackie [from Vivid] that we didn’t mention any details.

What’s your role gonna be for the club?
I’m here to talk about it, because I’m going to be there promoting it. It will be September 12th, Thursday. And I will be there from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. It’s for Vivid Live, and they put $10 million into it.

Do you like the way Vivid handled your tape, now that all is said and done?
You know what, I’m just going to get off the phone, but I wish you all the best.

Yeesh.

So that’s it, folks. Farrah Abraham is the new chest face of feminism. Do away with your Mary Wollstonecraft books. Forget that period where you devoted four years to becoming a Plathian scholar.

Just pay to take a picture with Farrah Abraham in a Miami strip club, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and watch the patriarchy crumble beneath your stilettos.