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Captain Janeway Isn’t Batshit After All [UPDATED]

Reality! Scientific proof! I shoot you dead! PEW PEW PEW!

Reality! Scientific proof! I shoot you dead! PEW PEW PEW!

UPDATED: Mulgrew issued a statement on her Facebook page saying she was only a “voice for hire” and adding, “I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism.” So it looks like the creepy Robert Sungenis somehow duped more than scientists for his little project.

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Once upon a time, like, 400 years ago, a dude named Galileo posited that the earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around like everyone thought. Long story short, he got in a lot of trouble for his theory, even though he was completely and totally right and everyone has known it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

Well, everyone except the 25 percent of Americans that a recent survey found don’t know even the most basic shit about science. And it’s those people that Kate Mulgrew — aka Captain Janeway from “Star Trek: Voyager” and, more recently, Red from “Orange Is the New Black” — is apparently targeting with her latest project, which is narrating a documentary called “The Principle” that says Galileo duped us all and hahahah funny story but the sun actually revolves around the earth, you guys!

Making matters worse is that the filmmaker is noted anti-Semite and Holocaust-denier Robert Sungenis, who boasts about having noted scientists involved with this fairy tale — except at least one of them, Lawrence Krauss, tweeted this today:

Anyway, here’s the movie trailer in which you’ll hear Mulgrew saying, “Everything we think we know about our universe is wrong,” thus causing Neil deGrasse Tyson‘s eyes to roll so hard he had to take a break from filming “Cosmos” to find them.

i_dont_even_ndt

Justin Bieber Got His Dumb Ass Arrested

By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.

You want details? Worship at the altar of TMZ.

As for us, we’re just stirring up shit by doctoring his mugshot (see above) and poking sticks in the cage of beliebers on Twitter. As we do.

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The New ‘Bachelor’ Thinks Gays Are Too ‘Pervert’ To Be On the Show

How do you say "shut up, dumbass" in Spanish?

How do you say “shut up, dumbass” in Spanish?

Hot on the racist, homophobic heels of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson, we now have Juan Pablo Galavis — the first Latino star of ABC’s embarrassing “The Bachelor” franchise — learning the hard way that he doesn’t have to express all the feelings in his pretty little head.

Asked by The TV Page what he thought about having a season of “The Bachelor” featuring an openly gay or bisexual lead, the Venezuelan-born Galavis responded in part:

I don’t think it is a good idea for kids to watch that on TV …

Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up … Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples … Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed … It is confusing in a sense.

But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale … Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.

I have a lot of friends like that, but they’re more pervert in a sense. To me, the show would be too strong, too hard to watch on TV.

Oh. Oh, I see. So a show that depicts a couple dozen women sacrificing what little self-respect they have to win his affections is totally family viewing. But gay men are pervs so HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE. Got it.

It didn’t take long for the suits at ABC to laugh nervously and issue a statement saying, “Juan Pablo’s comments were careless, thoughtless and insensitive, and in no way reflect the views of the network, the show’s producers or studio.”

Not long after, Juan himself took to his Facebook page with this:

 
I know English is Juan’s second language and all but, uh, that’s some bullshit right there.

He’s the second quasi-celebrity in the past few days to pull this whole “I know gays, I love gays — I just think they’re immoral” routine. (Sherri Shepherd took a break from pondering whether the earth is round or flat to chime in, too.)

No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put a foot on both sides of this line. It’s condescending and patronizing and (pardon the ironic phrasing) a total dick move.

You either treat gay people as your equal — or you don’t. Take a stand and stay there. It makes it easier for the rest of us to know whose opinions to ignore.

Tina Fey + Amy Poehler: A Swiftie Compendium

Twitter

Twitter

There’s a scene in Peter Weir‘s vastly underrated 1986 adaptation of “The Mosquito Coast” where Allie Fox, played by Harrison Ford, is prattling on about the problems with America. He’s walking with a young aboriginal who doesn’t understand English, but imparts the following knowledge anyway: “There are people in New York who live on pet food and would kill you for a quarter.”

Notice that if you replace “people” with “Taylor Swift fans” the sentence still makes perfect sense.

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Octomom Was Charged With Welfare Fraud. Sounds About Right.

Vivid Entertainment / Your Greatest Nightmares

Vivid Entertainment / Your Greatest Nightmares

America’s sweetheart and 25th favorite strip club act Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, has officially been charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud by the Los Angeles County D.A.’s office. If only you could see how shocked we are.

The charges were filed yesterday, TMZ reported, and included “1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.” According to the county, Suleman failed to report almost $30,000 in income last year. Par for the octo-course, really.

The money allegedly comes from personal appearances (because some people actually paid her for those) and residuals from her solo porn video, which we’d rather watch 10 more times than write another piece on Farrah Abraham.

The D.A. wants bail set at $25,000, or 8,000 gallons of baby formula.

judge judy beauty fades

Justin Bieber Egged a Neighbor’s House Like Grownups Do

Since Justin Bieber is a grown-up now and wants you to STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A LITTLE BOY, he recently settled a longtime beef with a neighbor by inviting the guy over for coffee and snickerdoodles and talking things out.

LOLJK he actually threw a bunch of eggs at the guy’s house like the shitty little juvenile delinquent he is. (Oh, sorry — he’s almost 20 now. So he’s just a “shitty little delinquent.”)

According to TMZ, the neighbor — who’s been feuding with Bieber for undetermined rich white people reasons — heard “something banging” against his manse on Thursday night, so he went out on a second-floor balcony to see wutwut:

Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”

Video of the incident [shot by the neighbor] is dark, but you can hear the neighbor yelling, “I see you. I f**king see you!” Then Justin yells back, “F**k you! I got another one for you, actually!”

They keep yelling back and forth for about 30 seconds, until the neighbor tells his 13-year-old daughter — who sounds terrified — to call the cops.

Here’s where it gets rather amusing. Despite the fact that she probably felt like Judas betraying Jesus, the little girl does make the call, awesomely telling the 911 dispatcher:

“Hi, I’d like to, uh, place an assault.”

Like she was ordering a pizza. (Then she went to the real-time tracker to watch her assault being made!)

Justin is now supposedly being investigated for vandalism, which is usually a misdemeanor — but if the damage exceeds $400, that makes it a felony. Like that matters. (Hi, Chris Brown. ‘Sup?)

Evander Holyfield Thinks People With the Gay Have a ‘Handicap’ That Doctors Can Fix

The premise behind the “Big Brother” franchise is that if a bunch of strangers live together in the same house, the ensuing antics will be entertaining to a television audience. That worked for a while, but eventually everyone got bored with the concept — so the “BB” producers had to make the aforementioned strangers dumber and/or douchier in the hopes they’d say or do some controversial shit to gin up ratings.

To wit: Last year, the American version of the show brought us the delights of Aaryn, a girl so cluelessly racist she earned the nickname Aryan Nation, and a guy named Spencer who thought it would be totes hilars to joke about beating off to kiddie porn because HAHAHAHA no. No, dude. Never funny.

Anyway, the current incarnation of “Celebrity Big Brother” in the UK features former boxing champ Evander Holyfield (the non-sports-minded among you probably remember him best as that guy missing part of an ear courtesy of Mike Tyson‘s barracuda teeth). And on the season debut Sunday night, Holyfield was talking with fellow housemate Luisa Zissman when the subject of homosexuality came up — which led to this little slice of verbal backassedness:

Evander: The Bible let you know that it’s wrong and (mumbles mumbles).

Luisa: That’s just the way some people are born.

Evander: Nooooo. It don’t make no difference. If you were born and your leg were turned this way. What do you do? You go to the doctor and get it fixed right, right?

Luisa: It’s not about being fixed. That’s just the way that you are.

Evander: No, no, no… You mean to tell me-

Luisa: I really don’t think we should have this conversation. You don’t understand. I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have in this house.

Evander: The only thing I’m trying to tell you is if… You know how handicapped people are born, that you can’t say that because they were born that way, you can’t move that (mumbles something mumbles something)…

Luisa: You can’t compare. It’s not a choice.

Evander: Yes, it is a choice. Come on. You ain’t gay unless you sleeping with the opposite sex (Ed. note: Yeah, he obviously meant “same sex.”). That’s no way anybody is made.

Cool story, bro.

His remarks earned a smackdown from the “CBB” production team because the network that airs the show could now be in trouble with the UK’s equivalent of the FCC for airing “hate speech.”

But even worse than that? Boy George wagged a (meticulously manicured) finger at him on Twitter.

Look, Evander’s never really been known for being a dick before, but dude. He’s been married three times (!) and has 11 children (!!) by six different women (!!!). This really isn’t a guy who should be passing judgment on anyone for sins of the flesh.

That said, unlike a lot of other people who’ve voiced similar opinions about the gays lately, at least he has the excuse of a past filled with repeated blows to the head.

Ignorant Redneck Phil Robertson Will Return to Your Televisions Shortly

Douche Dynasty

Douche Dynasty

Phil Robertsontransient hobo star of A&E’s somehow-hit show “Duck Dynasty,” will be allowed back onto the show after all those slack-jawed acquaintances you went to high school with petitioned on Facebook for his reinstatement.

This all began after Robertson spouted off about how gay people are bad and vaginas are, you know, totally cooler than butts. He followed this up with some delightfully tasteful comments about how black people were just peachy before that pesky “civil rights” thing came about. A&E promptly suspended him, and the outcry began.

Robertson became an unwashed hero to the unwashed masses. Thousands of angry, uneducated simpletons bombarded the network with (most likely) terribly misspelled letters claiming that this was a “free speech issue.” There is, of course, no free speech in corporate America. You have the right to bigoted, hateful speech, but you don’t have a right to keep your job while spewing it.

Regardless, Mr. Robertson — not to be confused with that other bigoted idiot, Pat  Robertson — is coming back to television. The good news is you don’t have to watch it. You can just kick back with an issue of The New Yorker and pity people who do. Sort of like we do with “Honey Boo Boo” and “Hannity.”

We may be going to hell, but whatever’s down there can’t be worse than watching 45 minutes of the Robertson family “stroking their beards” — if you know what we mean, and we think you do — and thumping bibles.

A Very Farrah Christmas

Farrah Abraham, mother and anal porn star extraordinaire, is nothing if not perceptive. So when she tunes to Radio Disney on her XM radio and hears Justin Bieber covering Burl Ives, she knows it’s time for the holidays. She may not know exactly when those holidays fall, how to celebrate any of them or what day it is — but she knows it’s time.

Case in point is this Keek video she posted yesterday, where she proclaims “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” like a valley girl with a mouth full of marbles.  (At this very moment, Andy Williams‘ corpse is trekking across the country to exact vengeance.)

She then begins spewing a string of completely random words like a Speak & Spell that’s been thrown against a wall. First, she declares it to be “Ugly Sweater Sunday.” Not ugly Christmas sweater. Just ugly generic sweater. Farrah chose an aqua one, and it actually isn’t that ugly. It’s pretty standard sweater fare.

Next she giddily exclaims “Twelve day countdown!” and “So close to Christmas!” At the time of the video, of course, there were three days until Christmas, not twelve. Then she reverts back to the sweater thing – telling her fans to show her their ugly sweaters before signing off.

Technically, 12 days from the video’s posting would be January third. Could this be a sign? Could she be tipping us off to the date she will bring about the apocalypse by reflecting a mirror against her teeth and laying waste to everyone not wearing a sweater? We don’t know, aren’t eager to find out, either.