Justin Bieber Spent Christmas Punking the Internet

Ho-Ho-Hoax

Ho-Ho-Hoax

Justin Bieber, who’s not a girl but not yet a woman, made his legions of pre-pubescent fans scream in horror last week when he told a radio host he’d be retiring soon. His camp later laughed nervously and was all “that Justin, WHAT A SCAMP.”

But since he’s spent the past couple years touring the world, being pelted with training bras and creating an ecosystem for tabloid writers, his manager Scooter Braun did say he’d encouraged his sentient little gold mine to take 2014 off.

Then came Christmas Eve, when the Biebs had an announcement for his nearly 50 million Twitter followers:

Right afterward, he launched into full-on promo mode for his new movie, “Justin Bieber’s Believe,” which opened on Christmas Day and OH I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE. Creating a false sense of scarcity is the oldest marketing trick in the book! Nicely played, but everyone knows an attentionwhore like Justin Bieber isn’t going anywhere.

Kind of unfair for the non-Beliebers among us, though. For one shining moment, we actually believed in the miracle of Christmas.

Miley Cyrus Sticks Her Tongue Out All the Time Because She’s Shy. Okay.

Stop looking. You're embarrassing her.

Stop looking. You’re embarrassing her.

Miley Cyrus, inexplicably chosen by Barbara Walters as one of 2013′s “Most Fascinating People” even though attentionwhores are pathetic and not fascinating at all, finally revealed why her tongue has spent much of this year taking suicide leaps out of her mouth.

“I get embarrassed to take pictures. That’s actually the truth,” Cyrus told Walters. “I’m so embarrassed, because people are taking pictures of me, and I just don’t know how to– I don’t know how to smile, and just be awkward, so I stick my tongue out, because I don’t know what else to do.”

The struggle, you guys. THE STRUGGLE.

She’s bashful! This explains everything — the gynecological photoshoots, the naked videos, the porny pumpkins. Oh, and especially the way she said “happy holidays” to her Twitter followers:

She only did all that because she was embarrassed. Not because she wants you to look at her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Not that at all. Miley’s too much of a shrinking violet for that.

And now you know just how stupid she thinks you are.

Bruce Jenner Is Getting Rid of His Adam’s Apple

Yeah, his trachea is what's wrong. Just that.

Yeah, his trachea is what’s wrong. Just that.

The masculinity that once made Bruce Jenner‘s face so handsome has long since been surgically or otherwise excised (along with his athleticism, pride and original nose). As if that weren’t enough, now there’s this:

Bruce Jenner is flattening his Adam’s Apple … TMZ has learned.

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … the Olympian met with a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon today for a consultation for a procedure called a Laryngeal Shave — which smooths out the Adam’s Apple.

The procedure is typically done on patients who are in the first stage of gender reassignment, but Bruce tells TMZ that is NOT the case with him. He says, “I just never liked my trachea.”

We know this is Bruce’s second visit to the office.

I … but he … what?

Is “I just never liked my trachea” the new “I’d look so much better with bigger boobs”? What man gives enough of a shit about the appearance of his Adam’s Apple to consider having it surgically shaved? And is Kris Jenner using the leftovers to build her own?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Brittany Murphy Might Have Been Poisoned

x

Wait. What?

Actress and singer (really, chick could wail) Brittany Murphy was just 32 when she died of pneumonia and anemia in 2009. She was an itty bitty wisp of a girl, so of course her untimely death (and health problems in the months before) made people whisper “anorexia” and “drugs” because come on — pneumonia and anemia? She wasn’t a character in “Little Women,” for chrissakes.

Then, just five months later, her husband Simon Monjack also tragically passed away. He was only 40. And the coroner said pneumonia and anemia killed him too. So this whole thing has always been more than a little weird.

Brittany’s father, Angelo Bertolotti, didn’t think things added up, so he went to court to obtain samples of his daughter’s hair, blood and tissue for independent testing. Now that it’s been done, the results are … well, damned frightening is what they are.

“Ten (10) of the heavy metals evaluated were detected at levels higher than the WHO [The World Health Organization] high levels … If we were to eliminate the possibility of a simultaneous accidental heavy metals exposure to the sample donor then the only logical explanation would be an exposure to these metals (toxins) administered by a third party perpetrator with likely criminal intent.”

Heavy metals, by the way, are often found in things like, oh, you know, rat poison. And according to the lab report, the “levels of heavy metals detected in Brittany Murphy’s hair were from 2 to over 9 times higher than the levels set as ‘high’ by The World Health Organization.”

Symptoms of acute heavy metal poisoning in humans can include headache, dizziness, gastrointestinal, neurological, respiratory, or dermal symptoms such as abdominal cramps, tremors, tachycardia, sweating, disorientation, coughing, wheezing, congestion, and pneumonia. Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack exhibited all of these symptoms prior to their untimely deaths.

In other words, it’s entirely possible someone intentionally poisoned them. And as cloak-and-dagger as that sounds, it makes a lot more sense than two young people dying of pneumonia and anemia mere months apart.

“Vicious rumors, spread by tabloids, unfairly smeared Brittany’s reputation. My daughter was neither anorexic nor a drug junkie, as they repeatedly implied,” Mr. Bertolotti said. “I will not rest until the truth about these tragic events is told. There will be justice for Brittany.”

What in the actual hell is going on here? No, seriously.

That Crazy Chick Who’s Been Stalking Alec Baldwin Is Going to Jail

Oh God. Not the dog. NOT THE DOG.

Oh God. Not the dog. NOT THE DOG.

After a three day trial in New York during which she swore Alec Baldwin promised her “omelets every morning” forever and ever amen, 41-year-old Canadian actress Genevieve Sabourin was sentenced by a judge to 210 days in jail — 180 for stalking and harassment with another 30 tossed in for contempt of court (since she couldn’t keep her mouth shut during the trial).

Her story is that Alec hit on her on the 2002 set of “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” but that since he was married to Kim Basinger at the time she rebuffed his advances because she’s nobody’s sidepiece, yo.

But she says they finally did have carnal knowledge of each other after a “dream date” on Valentine’s Day of 2010. Per CNN:

Baldwin took her to a Broadway play and dinner in Manhattan, she testified. The date ended the next morning, after they had sex in her hotel room and he made romantic promises, Sabourin testified.

“I make the best omelets in the world and I’d be happy to make you omelets every morning for the rest of your life,” she quoted the actor as saying.

For his part, Baldwin maintains that while he did have dinner with her as a favor to a friend who was trying to help her career, his business advice wasn’t administered naked — and that any “relationship” they had was all in Sabourin’s mind.

This prompted repeated Tourette’s like outbursts of “you’re lying!” and “I’m innocent!” and “‘The Adventures of Pluto Nash’ sucked donkey dong!” (I may have improvised that last one but don’t pretend I’m wrong.)

What isn’t in dispute is that in the months after their one-nighter, Sabourin sent a lot of creepy emails to Baldwin, violated restraining orders by calling him and showing up in person wherever he was, and scared the living shit out of his now-wife, Hilaria.

“I am less than 10 minutes away from you tonight. Say ‘I do’ to me,” one e-mail says.

In another e-mail, she said she was ready to get married: “I need to start my new life with my new name … in my new country, help my newly husband, you!”

In another e-mail, she admits defeat: “I may have lost all the battles to win your heart over in the past two years, but I’ve learn (sic) so much,” it says.

Her attorney insisted his Stage 5 Clinger client “had a legitimate purpose in determining the status of their relationship.” (And, apparently, whether she’d need to start buying her own eggs again.)

Baldwin wasn’t there to hear the judge’s ruling, but upon leaving court earlier this week, he told reporters to eff off and that he hoped one in particular “choked to death.” This, however, didn’t make much of a media ripple. Because Alec Baldwin.
 

Ariana Grande Is A Crazy Person

Twitter

Twitter

Ariana Grande is a pint-sized singer (although no one I know can name any of her songs) who was previously linked to Justin Bieber. Also? She’s batshit crazy.

Ariana gave an interview to Complex Magazine, wherein the interviewer quickly deviated from her music and into her belief in the existence of the paranormal. That’s when Ariana revealed she’s being stalked by demons.

Have you ever seen an alien?

Not an alien, but I’ve had a ghost/demon experience. We were in Kansas City a few weeks ago and went to this haunted castle and were so excited. The next night we wanted to go to Stull Cemetery, which is known as one of the seven gates to hell on Earth. The Pope won’t fly over it—

I’ve had a ghost/demon experience. We went to this haunted castle and were so excited…

I love that you know that. Sorry, go on.

I felt this sick, overwhelming feeling of negativity over the whole car and we smelled sulfur, which is the sign of a demon, and there was a fly in the car randomly, which is another sign of a demon. I was like, “This is scary, let’s leave.” I rolled down the window before we left and said, “We apologize. We didn’t mean to disrupt your peace.” Then I took a picture and there are three super distinct faces in the picture—they’re faces of textbook demons.

Textbook demons, you guys. Also there was a fly. A FLY! They call flies “Satan’s Flying Phalluses” in many circles.

But wait! There’s more:

Let’s see the picture.

I deleted it. The next day I tried to send the picture to my manager and it said, “This file can’t be sent, it’s 666 megabytes.” I’m not kidding. I used to have a folder called “Demons” that had pictures with all the screencaps in it, but then weird things started happening to me so I deleted it.

Now you know Ariana is special, because she has the only iPhone on the planet that takes 666 megabyte jpeg files, which should be around 23 megabytes tops. Or maybe her email carrier got it wrong. Trick question! It was the curse of the demon folder.

What weird things?

I was going to sleep about two weeks ago. I had just gotten off the phone and as soon as I closed my eyes I heard this really loud rumble right by my head. When I opened my eyes it stopped immediately, but when I closed my eyes it started again with whispers. Every time I closed my eyes I started seeing these really disturbing images with, like, red shapes. Then I opened my eyes and got back on the phone and was like, “I’m really scared and I don’t want to go to bed tonight.” And then I scooched over to the left side of my bed, because that’s where the best service is in my room, and there was this massive black matter. I don’t know what it was.

Sounds like a serious (black) matter. We also don’t believe she’s talking about dark matter, because if physicists don’t get it, Ariana Grande doesn’t get it. But she does get demons.

What?!?

It was like a cloud of something black right next to me. I started crying. I was on the phone like, “What do I do, what do I do?” and they said, “Tell it to eff off.” I thought, I’m not going to do that. It’s going to upset it, so I’m just going to chill and not feed into it because all it wants is fear. It feeds on fear. I watched it move to the front of my bed and then I fell asleep on the phone. I woke up and it was gone. The next night my friend Tyler was staying with me. She said she was trying to sleep and her body felt paralyzed almost, and she described the same exact thing I saw.

So there you have it — a mysterious black cloud that can paralyze bodies and is a complete enigma to Ariana Grande, except for the fact that she can anthropomorphize it and baselessly claim to know it feeds on fear.

That said, she’s able to be oddly cute and captivating while demonstrating her complete and total mental instability. It’s sort of adorable. And scary.

She’s playing with our emotions. Kind of like … a demon would. OH GOD. DESTROY YOUR ARIANA GRANDE RECORDS BEFORE IT’S TOO L-AAAAHHNNNNGGGGGG

Kris Jenner Wants You to Think She Didn’t Turn Cartwheels Over Kim’s Sex Tape

Kris Jenner has six kids, so dude — she’s tired. Motherhood is hard. Which is probably why she’s just ignoring youngest child Kylie until the obnoxious little brat turns 18 and can start earning her keep like all her siblings (well, except for Rob, but he’s a guy so no one wants to see his boobs anyway).

But even if Kris started shooting offspring out her vag like a bubble gun, it wouldn’t matter. Kim Kardashian would always be her favorite. After all, the only reason any of us have even heard of the Kardashian-Jenners is because Kim was willing to be a pee pad to Ray J‘s puppy.

The resulting sex tape made Kim’s entire family very rich and very famous — but let your heart bleed for Kris Jenner for a moment, because she says when she first learned of the celluloid gold, she “cried [herself] to sleep.” As she told Joan Rivers on the latest ep of “In Bed With Joan” (via Crushable):

“I’m somewhat of a, you know, religious person, and I keep that to myself. So I live a certain way and I feel a certain way, and I pray for my kids every day, and I’m so in love with my family life. And that hits me up the side of the head, and I literally fell apart.

I had to go in a room and cry for a couple days and say okay, pull yourself to-fucking-gether, because you have to be here for all these kids and your family and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.”

Imagine what would happen if Kris Jenner literally fell apart. You’d basically have a pile of breast implants, naked greed and strips of skin stretched tighter than a needlepoint canvas.

(Speaking of such, remember the “shave and a haircut” part of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” when Roger basically exploded trying to contain the TWWWWOOOO BIIIIIIIITS line? That’s what I like to imagine was going on in Joan Rivers’ head while she was listening to this shit.)

Anyway, assuming this story is even partially true (it’s not at all true), the “example” Kris set for her kids was that shame is for the poors and “famewhore” is among the noblest of professions.

Class dismissed.

Australia Thinks Katy Perry Is an Eco-terrorist

Twitter

Twitter

Katy Perry seems like a nice enough lady. She’s always bubbly and playful. But beneath that jovial veneer lies something sinister: ecoterrorism.

Perry’s latest album “Prism” (aside from being pretty damn catchy) comes in several different special editions, many of which contain seeds to plant and “spread the light” — seeds that Australian officials say could destroy their ecosystem and murder everything they hold dear (or something).

Although Australian versions of the album have seeds sourced from Western Australia, international versions might bring demon Polish seeds, or other kinds, into the country. So says the Department of Agriculture (via Rolling Stone):

“Seeds or plant material of international origin may be a weed not present in Australia or the host of a plant pathogen of biosecurity concern. The Australian Government has a strong system in place to detect and respond to material of biosecurity concern. This includes the inspection of mail, cargo and baggage.”

So if you’re an Aussie who wants to plant Perry’s perilous foreign seeds, prepare to hear the (amusingly-accented) roar of the government.

Denise Richards Just Can’t Anymore With Charlie Sheen’s Twins

Twitter

Twitter

Denise Richards, who’s had temporary guardianship of the 4-year-old twins her ex-husband Charlie Sheen had with nuclear hot mess Brooke Mueller, has finally reached the end of her incredibly generous rope.

In a lengthy and unbelievably sad letter (seriously, that thing reads like a Greek tragedy) that Richards wrote to the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services, she says little Bob and Max are “violent and out of control,” and in light of how physically abusive they are to her dogs and to her other children, she can no longer have them in her home.

The trouble with the boys also extends to the school they’ve been attending since September, where “Bob in particular has harmed other kids and punched and slapped teachers in the face.”

In the letter, Denise connects the bad conduct to the time the kids spend at Brooke’s home, claiming they act out violently when they are returned to Denise. She also says the kids have had horrible nightmares after returning from Brooke’s home, where the kids would stay up with her til 4 AM.

In the long letter to DCFS, Denise — who has temporary guardianship of the boys while Brooke deals with her drug problems — says pediatricians have advised her to seek psychological counseling for the boys, but Brooke has blocked that effort.

Basically, Denise suspects she has a couple tiny budding sociopaths on her hands, and now she wants them the hell out of her house. No one can blame her — for Christ’s sake, she’s been taking care of two kids that aren’t even hers for months now just to give them some stability (and possibly a relationship with their half-sisters). She’s gone WAY above and beyond.

In the meantime, Charlie and Brooke, the boys’ actual parents, are providing plenty of backstory that’ll be used by a defense attorney someday. Because instead of figuring out how to provide a stable home for their sons, they’re trading insults and restraining order requests and fake hand grenades. You know, just like all loving parents do.

Marilyn Manson Is Acting Kinda Weird These Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVgwA9Gx1A

No, wait. That’s just Lady Gaga. Our mistake.

Here’s G playing the first ever Youtube Music Awards dressed as a transient meth-addled truck driver with a straight brimmed hip hop hat. She arrived at the show in those scary as hell Kirsten Dunst teeth before debuting her new single “Dope.”

Gaga began crying before even beginning the song, whose lyrics seem to detail someone begging their lover to return to them and referencing “Bell Bottom Blues,” which only makes you wish you were listening to Eric Clapton.

Of course the Daily Mail scored shots of Gaga and BF Taylor Kinney getting really cozy before the show, which means they’re still together and also means those tears are about as real as Farrah Abraham‘s sense of empathy.

Lots of people have been commenting about how she sounds like a duckling who just found out its mother had been shot down during hunting season, prompting some of the most glorious YouTube comments we’ve ever read, with defenders saying everything was genuine and she’s just “feeling” the music, you guys.

There’s also one particularly amazing comment which reads:

RON PERLMAN ROCKS!!!!!

So one astute internetter believed G looked more like Hellboy than Mr. Manson. To each their own.