Alicia Silverstone Thinks Diapers, Tampons and Vaccines Are the Greatest Tricks the Devil Ever Pulled

Amazon

Amazon

If you don’t pay much attention to celebrity news, you probably only know Alicia Silverstone as “the blonde one” in old Aerosmith videos and/or as the spoiled-but-sweet Cher from “Clueless.” But in recent years, she’s gained a reputation as a stereotypical hippie mom who does crazy shit like pre-chewing her son Bear’s (yes, that’s his name) food and then spitting it back into his mouth.

Now she’s written a book full of wizened bon mots to “show you the way to have a luminous, present, ailment-free pregnancy.” Along the way, she’ll “help prevent or even cure your PMS, insomnia, allergies, breakouts, weight struggles, thyroid condition, lupus, multiple sclerosis—while significantly lowering your risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.”

Sounds legit.

Here’s a brief preview (courtesy of the Daily Beast) of what you’ll find in the book.

  • Silverstone says diapers are “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience” and that if you just pay attention to your child’s “cues,” duh, you won’t need them.

She noticed that “when Bear looked like he was flirting with me, smiling sweetly, or looking deep into my eyes, he’d be peeing.” Another signal was when he would “stare off into space for a second.” She assures readers that it’s “not all guesswork” and if you’re really in tune with your maternal instincts, then you too may start referring to yourself as a “potty whisperer.” And there are myriad benefits for EC-trained babies, who are “much more content leaving their business in the grass than having to sleep and eat accompanied by their own pee and poo.”

Call me part of the problem, but if you show up to my house with an undiapered baby, the lawn is about the only place I’ll let you hang.

  • About tampons, she says:

“[Y]our chichi is the most absorbent part of your body. Unfortunately, feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”

Chichi? Hoo-ha? Mighty cutesy verbiage for someone trying to convince us tampons are tiny little Molotov cocktails.

  • About vaccines, she doesn’t go full-on Jenny McCarthy (or fellow anti-vax idiot Kristin Cavallari), but she does say:

“While there has not been a conclusive study of the negative effects of such a rigorous one-size-fits-all, shoot-’em-up schedule, there is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”

What greater control group could you possibly want than a group of Alicia Silverstone’s friends. And while, yeah, she doesn’t sound quite as unhinged as McCarthy and Cavallari, questioning the safety of vaccines like this is increasingly dangerous.

Blerg.

clueless

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Captain Janeway Isn’t Batshit After All [UPDATED]

Reality! Scientific proof! I shoot you dead! PEW PEW PEW!

Reality! Scientific proof! I shoot you dead! PEW PEW PEW!

UPDATED: Mulgrew issued a statement on her Facebook page saying she was only a “voice for hire” and adding, “I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism.” So it looks like the creepy Robert Sungenis somehow duped more than scientists for his little project.

——————-

Once upon a time, like, 400 years ago, a dude named Galileo posited that the earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around like everyone thought. Long story short, he got in a lot of trouble for his theory, even though he was completely and totally right and everyone has known it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

Well, everyone except the 25 percent of Americans that a recent survey found don’t know even the most basic shit about science. And it’s those people that Kate Mulgrew — aka Captain Janeway from “Star Trek: Voyager” and, more recently, Red from “Orange Is the New Black” — is apparently targeting with her latest project, which is narrating a documentary called “The Principle” that says Galileo duped us all and hahahah funny story but the sun actually revolves around the earth, you guys!

Making matters worse is that the filmmaker is noted anti-Semite and Holocaust-denier Robert Sungenis, who boasts about having noted scientists involved with this fairy tale — except at least one of them, Lawrence Krauss, tweeted this today:

Anyway, here’s the movie trailer in which you’ll hear Mulgrew saying, “Everything we think we know about our universe is wrong,” thus causing Neil deGrasse Tyson‘s eyes to roll so hard he had to take a break from filming “Cosmos” to find them.

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There’s A Religion Based on Kanye West And Now We Have To Break Something

Yeezianity.com

Yeezianity.com

It’s a well established fact that Kanye West has believed he is a deity (douchity?) for some time. Now some asshole has validated him by creating Yeezianity – a new religion that professes Kanye is a messenger from god. It’s just what we need.

This is, unfortunately, a real group “who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is a divine being who has been sent by God to usher in a New Age of humanity.” Seriously.

The founder of the pseudo-religion – who wishes to remain anonymous – gave an interview with Noisey and explained himself, claiming he was serious but spouting such inane bullshit that anyone with a vague grasp of who Kanye West is wouldn’t be able to believe him:

“First of all, he is the most honest person in our culture. He has the highest moral standards and highest integrity. He is the most creative person. And as it’s typical with creative people, he gets a lot of flack from the lower minded masses. It’s not even that they don’t like him, it’s that they don’t know what he’s doing because the press gives it this negative spin all the time. And now it’s people feed on it so it’s this constant negative trance. But, like, College Dropout is probably still my favorite album of all-time.”

Hear that? Kanye has the highest moral standards. He’s also the most creative. (Somewhere, Lady Gaga is hanging up a hat made of catheter tubes and weeping.)

The religion has 5 pillars, which is a complete rip off of Islam (which ripped off Christianity, which ripped off the Torah). You’d think a religion devoted to creativity would try harder. Regardless, they are as follows:

1. All things created must be for the good of all
2. No human being’s right to express themselves must ever be repressed
3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange
4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs
5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

Sounds pretty good, right? It also sounds like vague platitudes that Phillip Seymour Hoffman might spit out in a blooper reel for “The Master.” Not the mention that we’ve never seen Kanye West disown any money.

Other pillars that should be considered include:

1. Thou shalt have your body guards beat the shit out of people for minor inconveniences

or

2. Thou shalt wear a mask to protect thine heavenly artistic integrity

Yezianity is pretty much all set to start a new crusade – kicking photographers in the balls and setting up shrines to Dat Azzz® everywhere. Now we just have to wait for Richard Dawkins to run into a member of the church on the street for an impromptu debate.

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Oh, Good. Farrah Abraham’s Writing A Parenting Book.

Girls and Corpses

Girls and Corpses

Farrah Abraham is a true renaissance woman. Whether she’s driving little Sophia to dance recitals appearing in strip clubs, drunk driving, releasing a line of sex toys, writing New York Times bestsellers, being annoying on reality television or being annoying in the prone position, she does it all. And now you can, too – because she’s writing a parenting book for you!

That’s right. The back door teen mom has allegedly inked a deal to write a book on her distinctive abandonment parenting techniques that is “grounded in the Christian faith.”

Farrah’s on “Couples Therapy” at the moment, bitching to Doctor Drew about how her fake boyfriend doesn’t appreciate her boobs or whatever, and dropped a bombshell that she plans on writing a trilogy of highly original erotic novels. Like Jenna Jameson. Or Sasha Grey. But after that, she announced her definitive guide to caring for children and doing butt stuff in the eyes of god.

What will she do next? Maybe start a clown college. Maybe best Joey Chestnut in a vaguely sensual hot dog eating contest. Who knows? Not us. All we know is that whatever she does, the big man’s looking out for her:

 

Justin Bieber Egged a Neighbor’s House Like Grownups Do

Since Justin Bieber is a grown-up now and wants you to STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A LITTLE BOY, he recently settled a longtime beef with a neighbor by inviting the guy over for coffee and snickerdoodles and talking things out.

LOLJK he actually threw a bunch of eggs at the guy’s house like the shitty little juvenile delinquent he is. (Oh, sorry — he’s almost 20 now. So he’s just a “shitty little delinquent.”)

According to TMZ, the neighbor — who’s been feuding with Bieber for undetermined rich white people reasons — heard “something banging” against his manse on Thursday night, so he went out on a second-floor balcony to see wutwut:

Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”

Video of the incident [shot by the neighbor] is dark, but you can hear the neighbor yelling, “I see you. I f**king see you!” Then Justin yells back, “F**k you! I got another one for you, actually!”

They keep yelling back and forth for about 30 seconds, until the neighbor tells his 13-year-old daughter — who sounds terrified — to call the cops.

Here’s where it gets rather amusing. Despite the fact that she probably felt like Judas betraying Jesus, the little girl does make the call, awesomely telling the 911 dispatcher:

“Hi, I’d like to, uh, place an assault.”

Like she was ordering a pizza. (Then she went to the real-time tracker to watch her assault being made!)

Justin is now supposedly being investigated for vandalism, which is usually a misdemeanor — but if the damage exceeds $400, that makes it a felony. Like that matters. (Hi, Chris Brown. ‘Sup?)

Michael Bay No Like Talky Noise Making

The Consumer Electronics Show is a wealth of knowledge concerning upcoming innovations in technology. There are several people who would be suited for speaking to these topics, but Samsung, brilliantly, decided to go with destroyer of childhood dreams director Michael Bay. Predictably, it exploded in their faces.

Bay took the stage to plug Samsung’s new television — a 105-inch set that is curved to provide a more immersive viewing experience. After asking how everyone in the audience was doing (how kind?), he said: “My job, as a director, is I get to dream for a living” — completely bypassing scripted lines for Joe Stinziano, Samsung’s Executive Vice President.

Stinziano tried to recover, asking the director what inspired him. Bay began talking about how Hollywood creates a “viewer escape.” As he did, the teleprompter people scrambled to play catch-up due to his complete lack of ability to read lines off a screen, and Bay lost his place. He didn’t know how to describe what he does.

‘Ungh,” he groaned, neurotically swaying on his toes like Rain Man. “The type is all off. Sorry.”

Then an epiphany: Bay said he would “just wing” it. WHen Stinziano tried to prod him in the right direction, Bay took a look at the massive television and said nothing.

“The curve?” Stinziano pushed, motioning to the set. “How do you think it’s going to impact how people experience your movies?”

It was at this point that Bay apologized and excused himself, exiting the stage (not pursued by a bear) and leaving Mr. Stinziano to go it alone. He apologized to the audience and continued with the presentation.

Later, Bay took to his blog (where he once claimed to have been attacked by zombies) to explain himself, writing:

Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.

And if you’ve watched the video, you clearly saw a man excited to talk. What the teleprompter going “up and down” means? Not sure. Why he can’t articulate how his job involves telling dudes to hose down Megan Fox and detonate explosions? Not sure, either.

Either way, the moral of the story here is don’t invite Michael Bay to do anything for you except yell “action!” or maybe judge an amateur stripping competition. (And definitely don’t ask him anything about fine cinema.)

Evander Holyfield Thinks People With the Gay Have a ‘Handicap’ That Doctors Can Fix

The premise behind the “Big Brother” franchise is that if a bunch of strangers live together in the same house, the ensuing antics will be entertaining to a television audience. That worked for a while, but eventually everyone got bored with the concept — so the “BB” producers had to make the aforementioned strangers dumber and/or douchier in the hopes they’d say or do some controversial shit to gin up ratings.

To wit: Last year, the American version of the show brought us the delights of Aaryn, a girl so cluelessly racist she earned the nickname Aryan Nation, and a guy named Spencer who thought it would be totes hilars to joke about beating off to kiddie porn because HAHAHAHA no. No, dude. Never funny.

Anyway, the current incarnation of “Celebrity Big Brother” in the UK features former boxing champ Evander Holyfield (the non-sports-minded among you probably remember him best as that guy missing part of an ear courtesy of Mike Tyson‘s barracuda teeth). And on the season debut Sunday night, Holyfield was talking with fellow housemate Luisa Zissman when the subject of homosexuality came up — which led to this little slice of verbal backassedness:

Evander: The Bible let you know that it’s wrong and (mumbles mumbles).

Luisa: That’s just the way some people are born.

Evander: Nooooo. It don’t make no difference. If you were born and your leg were turned this way. What do you do? You go to the doctor and get it fixed right, right?

Luisa: It’s not about being fixed. That’s just the way that you are.

Evander: No, no, no… You mean to tell me-

Luisa: I really don’t think we should have this conversation. You don’t understand. I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have in this house.

Evander: The only thing I’m trying to tell you is if… You know how handicapped people are born, that you can’t say that because they were born that way, you can’t move that (mumbles something mumbles something)…

Luisa: You can’t compare. It’s not a choice.

Evander: Yes, it is a choice. Come on. You ain’t gay unless you sleeping with the opposite sex (Ed. note: Yeah, he obviously meant “same sex.”). That’s no way anybody is made.

Cool story, bro.

His remarks earned a smackdown from the “CBB” production team because the network that airs the show could now be in trouble with the UK’s equivalent of the FCC for airing “hate speech.”

But even worse than that? Boy George wagged a (meticulously manicured) finger at him on Twitter.

Look, Evander’s never really been known for being a dick before, but dude. He’s been married three times (!) and has 11 children (!!) by six different women (!!!). This really isn’t a guy who should be passing judgment on anyone for sins of the flesh.

That said, unlike a lot of other people who’ve voiced similar opinions about the gays lately, at least he has the excuse of a past filled with repeated blows to the head.

Cameron Diaz: Pubemeister

Bodies should be seen AND haired

Bodies should be seen AND haired (Instagram)

Remember Cameron Diaz? Remember “The Mask”? Well, you’re old, because that came out nearly 20 years ago. But since the “Bad Teacher” residuals aren’t paying the bills, Cameron’s written a new book entitled “Body Book” – which happens to have a whole section called “In Praise of Pubes.” Seriously.

You can probably guess what this is all about, but here it is in Cameron’s own words:

“I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea…I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.

So if you ever run across Diaz at a Hollywood soiree and plan to woo her back to your hotel room with your knowledge of Proust or whatever the hell Cameron Diaz is interested in, be prepared to run into a tustle of Charlie’s Angel hair. She continues:

Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness…Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer…Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?

And now you will never be able to watch “Knight and Day” on blu ray without picturing drooping vaginas. Just kidding. No one will ever purchase “Knight and Day.”

Finally, Diaz sums up everything by saying: “Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”

And with one fell swoop, Cam’s successfully robbed the title of Pubemeister from Jennifer Love Hewitt (who will surely be crushed) and her vajazzler. Perhaps the two could collaborate on some sort of “too much information” project. We smell a podcast — and that’s all we’d like to smell, thank you very much.

Ignorant Redneck Phil Robertson Will Return to Your Televisions Shortly

Douche Dynasty

Douche Dynasty

Phil Robertsontransient hobo star of A&E’s somehow-hit show “Duck Dynasty,” will be allowed back onto the show after all those slack-jawed acquaintances you went to high school with petitioned on Facebook for his reinstatement.

This all began after Robertson spouted off about how gay people are bad and vaginas are, you know, totally cooler than butts. He followed this up with some delightfully tasteful comments about how black people were just peachy before that pesky “civil rights” thing came about. A&E promptly suspended him, and the outcry began.

Robertson became an unwashed hero to the unwashed masses. Thousands of angry, uneducated simpletons bombarded the network with (most likely) terribly misspelled letters claiming that this was a “free speech issue.” There is, of course, no free speech in corporate America. You have the right to bigoted, hateful speech, but you don’t have a right to keep your job while spewing it.

Regardless, Mr. Robertson — not to be confused with that other bigoted idiot, Pat  Robertson — is coming back to television. The good news is you don’t have to watch it. You can just kick back with an issue of The New Yorker and pity people who do. Sort of like we do with “Honey Boo Boo” and “Hannity.”

We may be going to hell, but whatever’s down there can’t be worse than watching 45 minutes of the Robertson family “stroking their beards” — if you know what we mean, and we think you do — and thumping bibles.

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Here’s What Kanye Gave Kim for Christmas

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

Calling the Hermes Birkin bag a “purse” is like calling a Ferrari a “car.” It’s so well-known that it doesn’t even need a logo — the silhouette alone is recognized by fashionistas the world over — and thanks to a limited supply, a years-long waiting list and a high price tag (up to $150,000, depending on materials), the storied accessory is beloved by celebrities who don’t want to carry anything a peon like you would carry. For chrissakes, Forbes writes entire articles on how to buy one.

I provide this brief history only so you’ll understand the depth of the atrocity Kanye West committed in his Christmas gift to Kim Kardashian.

In its natural state (as God and Anna Wintour intended), the orange Birkin looks like this:

birkin

 
Tres dull. So of course Kanye commissioned someone to turn it into a fourth grade art project:
 

kim-kanye-birkin

 
And not only did Kim proudly post the “one of a kind” mess to Instagram, she carried it. In public. Where people could see her and everything.

So who’s responsible for committing such heinous handbag heresy? That would be “artist” George Condo, who also did the five covers for Kanye’s 2010 album “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” — including the one infamously banned by both Walmart and iTunes.

To recap: In the past month alone, artists commissioned by Yeezy have ruined the Kardashian Christmas card and debased a Birkin, and he himself had the nerve to get pissy when someone “disrespected his art.” Because he’s totes an arbiter of such things.

kanye