The Speed Read: A Compendium of Shit We Missed

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As you may have noticed, we’ve been MIA for a while as we traveled to Sochi and personally delivered Bob Costas some eye patches signed by ’70s-era David Bowie. During that period, we let some things slide. Here’s a recap of everything pertinent.

  • Unfortunately, Justin Bieber didn’t get bitch slapped by Blake Griffin
    The internet went wild after a story surfaced claiming Justin Bieber made a scene at Starbucks after being denied the precious elixir of life – a carmel apple macchiato – because he was (of course) shirtless. Then NBA star Blake Griffin, who was conveniently seated nearby, supposedly smacked the snot out of him. Alas, it wasn’t true.
  • Ellen Page is a tiny, magnificent gay woman
    In news you probably already surmised, Ellen Page bravely came out in a beautiful speech at the Human Rights Campaign conference.
  • Shia LaBeouf is still a complete asshat
    In an attempt to shoehorn in on Ellen’s moment, Shia LaDouche plagiarized her speech at a rally in front of LA’s ACLU home base, explaining to the crowd he’s a lesbian. This is all part of Shia’s continuing campaign to paint himself as a complete dick while vehemently apologizing for ruining the Indiana Jones franchise, and pretty much every other project he’s brought into the world while maintaining he’s not famous anymore. We wish he weren’t.
  • Courtney Stodden is blonde once more
    After a two-month stint as a brunette, Courtney Stodden is blonde again.
  • The always trustworthy Lindsay Lohan says her mother isn’t a coke fiend
    Lindsay Lohan responded via her lawyer to a Fox News story claiming she did coke with her mom Dina (during a segment about celebrities who have overdosed). Mark Heller, her screwball lawyer, said it was an attempt to imply she too would overdose. We suspect plenty of people have made that call without Fox News.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow may be having a super healthy extra-marital affair
    Whisper, a creepy app for you to anonymously explain that you accidentally forgot to feed your neighbor’s dog while they were on vacation, says G.P. is cheating on hubby Chris Martin. With something other than a sex toy made from hardened kale.
  • Tori Amos is back, not sorry
    After consulting with the faeries, Tori Amos is finally releasing a new album and going on tour once more. Here’s the fierce cover art.
  • Farrah Abraham shot another porno and pretended to be upset about it.
    After pretending her first porn video was a “private, leaked tape,” she went ahead and shot another one. She then claimed that it was comprised of unused footage from the first tape and is super devastated about it. But she’s still calling Vivid to get at those residuals.
  • Charlie Sheen got engaged to his next ex-wife.
    Thrice-married Charlie, 48, put a ring on girlfriend Brett Rossi — a 24-year-old porn star. What could possibly go wrong.
  • Katy Perry may or may not be engaged to John Mayer.
    She’s been gallivanting around with a diamond ring on that all-important finger but acting like it’s no big, which either means she’s trolling everyone harder than the billygoats’ gruff or she’s just not ready to talk about it. (Insider tip: Look for her to suddenly be ready to talk about it once chatter about the ring dies down.)
  • Simon Cowell became a father.
    Simon’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman gave birth to son Eric, named after Simon’s dad, on Valentine’s Day. Lauren, as you may recall, was married to a good friend of Simon’s not terribly long ago, proving that if you’re patient, you can marry a rich guy and eventually ditch him for one of his richer, more famous pals. (What. We’re not Danielle Steele here.)
  • Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto are hooking up.
    An “insider” (aka someone who works in the Us Weekly mailroom) reports, “They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!” Whatever. GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF JORDAN CATALANO, WHORE.
  • Okay, that’ll do for now. More soon, promise. Kisses.

    What We Missed That You Should Read Anyway

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    Baby shade is the best shade of all!

    We didn’t post much between Thanksgiving and New Year’s (there are only two of us and we don’t get paid for this) (yet, anyway) (hey, wanna pay us for this?) but that doesn’t mean we weren’t paying attention. As we get back into the swing of things, here are some recent stories from our favorite sites and beyond to catch you up:

    Kim Kardashian‘s engagement ring is literally the size of a human fist. [Fishwrapper]

    Even babies know Jenny McCarthy is full of shit. [Dlisted]

    James Avery, aka the Fresh Prince’s Uncle Phil, passed away. :( [IDLYITW]

    Kris Jenner is still the most awful mother in the history of awful mothers. [Amy Grindhouse]

    What goes around comes around: Tori Spelling‘s husband Dean McDermott might have a side-piece. [Celebitchy]

    Proof that Mariah Carey desperately needs a new look. [Seriously OMG]

    Justin Bieber‘s new documentary left a mushroom cloud in theaters. [THR]

    Shia LaBeouf isn’t just a plagiarist. He’s a dick, too. [FilmDrunk]

    Britney Spears debuted her new Vegas show to great fanfare. Then Miley Cyrus showed up and made it all about her. [TheSuperficial]

    The best and worst celebrity fashion of 2013, with plenty of snark [NYMag via Go Fug Yourself]

    And finally, it may be hard to pick just one from this list overflowing with asshattery, but go vote for Asshole of the Year anyway. [Asshole of the Day]