Six Buzzy Moments From Last Night’s Golden Globes

So the 2014 Golden Globe awards are over, but as per usual, the evening had its share of WTF/holy shit/GIF-able moments because booze. If you missed the show but want to pretend you didn’t, here’s what your friends are probably talking about today.

1. Jennifer Lawrence Videobombed Taylor Swift

jlaw-tswift

Then she joked about pushing her down the stairs, during which Taylor gave a rare shoutout to her haters.

jenn-taylor1jenn-taylor2

But then we found out JLaw and Taylor are actually pals who text on the regular, and suddenly the whole world made no sense at all.

2. One Network Got a Crash Course in ‘Fun Facts’

During the red carpet show, someone at E! lost their damned minds and flashed this when Michael J. Fox was on camera:

Uhhhh that's not fun. That's not fun at all.

Uhhhh that’s not fun. That’s not fun at all.

The gaffe quickly became a meme — and E! later issued a mea culpa, saying in a statement, “We regret the insensitive classification of Michael J Fox’s Parkinson’s diagnosis during our Eonline live stream. We understand the serious nature of the disease and sincerely apologize.”

(Still no apology for “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” though.)

3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Were Great. (Derp.)

Their second of at least three Globes hosting stints proved their brilliance last year wasn’t a fluke. (But really, anyone familiar with either of them shouldn’t be surprised.) Here are their best bits, courtesy of Vulture.

But if you can’t watch that, this joke is the only one you need:

4. Jacqueline Bisset Seemed Like She’d Be Fun to Party With

Jacqueline Bisset‘s win for Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Miniseries, or Movie for “Dancing on the Edge” was a stunner, but no one was more shocked than she was.

And after a trek to the stage that required GPS, a zip line and at least four Sherpas (srsly, Golden Globes, how’s about next year we put the nominees up front instead of in a trailer in the parking lot), she gave a loopy, rambling speech that immediately made her a trending topic on Twitter.

5. Emma Thompson Became Everyone’s Lord and Savior

Midway through the show, the typically very regal Emma Thompson took the stage to hand out a Globe. But with a martini glass in one hand and her Louboutins in the other, she gave off the air of someone who’d been forced to take a business call in the middle of a party. The number of effs she did not give was beyond measure.

I love her so.

emma martini

6. Mia and Ronan Farrow Threw Shade at Woody Allen

None of them were even there, but when Woody Allen got a lifetime achievement award (accepted by Diane Keaton because Woody never shows up for these things), his ex Mia Farrow and her son Ronan (who’s also legally Woody’s son but everyone knows he’s actually Frank Sinatra’s kid) had a little something to say about it on Twitter.

Mia took the high road:

But Ronan? Mmmmmnot so much.

 

And there you have it. (For a total wrap-up of all the night’s events, this is a good place to start.)

Justin Bieber Egged a Neighbor’s House Like Grownups Do

Since Justin Bieber is a grown-up now and wants you to STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A LITTLE BOY, he recently settled a longtime beef with a neighbor by inviting the guy over for coffee and snickerdoodles and talking things out.

LOLJK he actually threw a bunch of eggs at the guy’s house like the shitty little juvenile delinquent he is. (Oh, sorry — he’s almost 20 now. So he’s just a “shitty little delinquent.”)

According to TMZ, the neighbor — who’s been feuding with Bieber for undetermined rich white people reasons — heard “something banging” against his manse on Thursday night, so he went out on a second-floor balcony to see wutwut:

Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”

Video of the incident [shot by the neighbor] is dark, but you can hear the neighbor yelling, “I see you. I f**king see you!” Then Justin yells back, “F**k you! I got another one for you, actually!”

They keep yelling back and forth for about 30 seconds, until the neighbor tells his 13-year-old daughter — who sounds terrified — to call the cops.

Here’s where it gets rather amusing. Despite the fact that she probably felt like Judas betraying Jesus, the little girl does make the call, awesomely telling the 911 dispatcher:

“Hi, I’d like to, uh, place an assault.”

Like she was ordering a pizza. (Then she went to the real-time tracker to watch her assault being made!)

Justin is now supposedly being investigated for vandalism, which is usually a misdemeanor — but if the damage exceeds $400, that makes it a felony. Like that matters. (Hi, Chris Brown. ‘Sup?)

Michael Bay No Like Talky Noise Making

The Consumer Electronics Show is a wealth of knowledge concerning upcoming innovations in technology. There are several people who would be suited for speaking to these topics, but Samsung, brilliantly, decided to go with destroyer of childhood dreams director Michael Bay. Predictably, it exploded in their faces.

Bay took the stage to plug Samsung’s new television — a 105-inch set that is curved to provide a more immersive viewing experience. After asking how everyone in the audience was doing (how kind?), he said: “My job, as a director, is I get to dream for a living” — completely bypassing scripted lines for Joe Stinziano, Samsung’s Executive Vice President.

Stinziano tried to recover, asking the director what inspired him. Bay began talking about how Hollywood creates a “viewer escape.” As he did, the teleprompter people scrambled to play catch-up due to his complete lack of ability to read lines off a screen, and Bay lost his place. He didn’t know how to describe what he does.

‘Ungh,” he groaned, neurotically swaying on his toes like Rain Man. “The type is all off. Sorry.”

Then an epiphany: Bay said he would “just wing” it. WHen Stinziano tried to prod him in the right direction, Bay took a look at the massive television and said nothing.

“The curve?” Stinziano pushed, motioning to the set. “How do you think it’s going to impact how people experience your movies?”

It was at this point that Bay apologized and excused himself, exiting the stage (not pursued by a bear) and leaving Mr. Stinziano to go it alone. He apologized to the audience and continued with the presentation.

Later, Bay took to his blog (where he once claimed to have been attacked by zombies) to explain himself, writing:

Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.

And if you’ve watched the video, you clearly saw a man excited to talk. What the teleprompter going “up and down” means? Not sure. Why he can’t articulate how his job involves telling dudes to hose down Megan Fox and detonate explosions? Not sure, either.

Either way, the moral of the story here is don’t invite Michael Bay to do anything for you except yell “action!” or maybe judge an amateur stripping competition. (And definitely don’t ask him anything about fine cinema.)

Evander Holyfield Thinks People With the Gay Have a ‘Handicap’ That Doctors Can Fix

The premise behind the “Big Brother” franchise is that if a bunch of strangers live together in the same house, the ensuing antics will be entertaining to a television audience. That worked for a while, but eventually everyone got bored with the concept — so the “BB” producers had to make the aforementioned strangers dumber and/or douchier in the hopes they’d say or do some controversial shit to gin up ratings.

To wit: Last year, the American version of the show brought us the delights of Aaryn, a girl so cluelessly racist she earned the nickname Aryan Nation, and a guy named Spencer who thought it would be totes hilars to joke about beating off to kiddie porn because HAHAHAHA no. No, dude. Never funny.

Anyway, the current incarnation of “Celebrity Big Brother” in the UK features former boxing champ Evander Holyfield (the non-sports-minded among you probably remember him best as that guy missing part of an ear courtesy of Mike Tyson‘s barracuda teeth). And on the season debut Sunday night, Holyfield was talking with fellow housemate Luisa Zissman when the subject of homosexuality came up — which led to this little slice of verbal backassedness:

Evander: The Bible let you know that it’s wrong and (mumbles mumbles).

Luisa: That’s just the way some people are born.

Evander: Nooooo. It don’t make no difference. If you were born and your leg were turned this way. What do you do? You go to the doctor and get it fixed right, right?

Luisa: It’s not about being fixed. That’s just the way that you are.

Evander: No, no, no… You mean to tell me-

Luisa: I really don’t think we should have this conversation. You don’t understand. I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have in this house.

Evander: The only thing I’m trying to tell you is if… You know how handicapped people are born, that you can’t say that because they were born that way, you can’t move that (mumbles something mumbles something)…

Luisa: You can’t compare. It’s not a choice.

Evander: Yes, it is a choice. Come on. You ain’t gay unless you sleeping with the opposite sex (Ed. note: Yeah, he obviously meant “same sex.”). That’s no way anybody is made.

Cool story, bro.

His remarks earned a smackdown from the “CBB” production team because the network that airs the show could now be in trouble with the UK’s equivalent of the FCC for airing “hate speech.”

But even worse than that? Boy George wagged a (meticulously manicured) finger at him on Twitter.

Look, Evander’s never really been known for being a dick before, but dude. He’s been married three times (!) and has 11 children (!!) by six different women (!!!). This really isn’t a guy who should be passing judgment on anyone for sins of the flesh.

That said, unlike a lot of other people who’ve voiced similar opinions about the gays lately, at least he has the excuse of a past filled with repeated blows to the head.

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Jennifer Hudson Bought Her Assistant a House and He Totally Lost His Shit

Jennifer Hudson‘s assistant, Walter Williams, isn’t just her employee — the two have been besties since elementary school, and he was her rock when her mom, brother and uncle were all horrifically murdered back in 2008.

So she decided to do something nice for him. Really nice. Life-changing nice.

In the Instagram video above, you’ll see Walter realize the papers he’s holding are the deed to a house Jennifer just bought for him. And then … well, he does what most people would do if someone just gave them a house. (In other words, you might wanna turn your speakers down.)

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Here’s the New Miley Cyrus Video for ‘Adore You’ That No One Asked For

It may be the day after Christmas, but Miley Cyrus just keeps on giving. A new video for “Adore You” has dropped, featuring the singer she-bopping herself beneath satin sheets and droning on about how much she loves an unnamed muse, which we’re safe to assume rhymes with Smiley Papyrus.

Lacking the understated sultriness of a Madonna or the poppy, fun upbeats of Cyndi Lauper, Miles spend the majority of the video writhing around in a bed with a video camera. It’s pretty much the same thing we’d imagine she does after drinking one too many juice boxes before being sent to bed.

Later on, she’s bathing in some sort of lace getup that would really not be conducive to loofah scrubbing at all. It really makes you wonder about Miley’s personal hygiene and, furthermore, Billy Ray’s — because how else does this sort of thing get passed on?

Despite being her most desperate attempt at boner-baiting, this is one of the least sensual things we’ve ever seen. She fondles herself like blind people grope faces in movies to picture how someone looks.

Ultimately, this is a boring video for a boring song. It’s so uneventful we couldn’t even write a timeline. But if you skip around and look at individual frames, you can interpret Miley’s expressions of bliss as pain and pretend to be shooting her with a taser. And that stretches the video’s novelty for at least another five minutes.

This Google Video Will Make You Feel All the Feels

We normally focus on celebrity hijinx around here, but I wanted to make sure you guys saw this. Because man.

From Hubspot:

Forget for a moment that the video you’re about to watch is an advertisement. Think of it instead as a short film, and just watch. The video runs only 3 minutes, 32 seconds. If you’re not in tears, or at least misty, when it ends, then you have no soul.

The gist is this: a man in Delhi tells his granddaughter about his childhood friend, Yusuf. He hasn’t seen Yusuf since the Partition of India in 1947, when India and Pakistan became separate countries and the two friends were forced to separate. The man’s granddaughter arranges for the two to meet again.

Yeah, I know — that seems like a long way to say “here’s some schmaltzy schmaltz.” Whatever. Watch it anyway. Because I’m the mommy and I said so.
 

Miley Cyrus Covers Lana Del Rey, Loses More Points

Miley Cyrus is still at it, this time tackling Lana Del Rey for the BBC and finding herself totally out of her league.

Lana and Miles have some things in common. They’re young, famous cigarette smokers. But while Miley has mastered the weird, niche southern-white hip hop market, Lana has specialized in a wispy, lounge singer throwback sound that can instantly transport you into the past.

Lana Del Rey is the type of person that you could see performing in a 1930s club and going home with Indiana Jones. Miley Cyrus is the type of person that you could see throwing a hissy fit in a Taco Bell drive through.

Miley can sing when she wants to and if the song is right. But here, her voice doesn’t lend itself. It’s too deep and grating juxtaposed with Lana’s – even if she recovers a bit towards the end. It’s just weird.

Still, this is a good direction for Miley to go, and it’s not half as blasphemous as Taylor Swift trying out Tori Amos. Some things are inexcusable.

Here’s Jennifer Lawrence Being Awesome. Again.

Newly-shorn Jennifer Lawrence was recently doing the red carpet thang at the London premiere of “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” when she caught sight of a young female fan in a wheelchair crying. And because Jennifer Lawrence is made of class and compassion and peanut butter cups, she had security bust through the barriers so she could comfort the girl.

Look, you may be sick of hearing what a glittering gem Lawrence is, but it’s shit like this that makes everyone love her. And the best part is that she’s not doing it for show. She’s kind and gorgeous and goofy and a dork all at once, with no pretension about her. Notice her or don’t — she has few effs to give. She’ll still be fabulous either way.

Courtney Stodden Says She and Her Vag Are Super Happy to Have Their Freedom

Courtney Stodden recently split from her legally-sanctioned pedophile husband Doug Hutchison, and she wants you to know what happened — in her own words.

So she painted on her best Joker brows, sneezed into a jar of body glitter and did an “exclusive” with E!, home of the Kardashians. Because apparently giving a stage to talentless famewhores is all that network does now.

Asked by E’s crack reporting team what went wrong in the marriage, the now 19-year-old Stodden answered, “My age, obviously.” (Congrats on asking a question so stupid that even Courtney Stodden side-eyes you, E.)

She added that her stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” was the first time she’d been separated from Doug for any length of time, and that while she was “missing him,” she wasn’t missing him “intimately.”

“I couldn’t neglect my desires and wanting to embrace my independence and my freedom,” she said. “I [don't want to] neglect my youth.”

There’s more in the interview about her plastic surgery and how much Doug was against it (a rare moment of likability for him), but she insists she’s “happy” to look like if you poked her with a pin she’d go PPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT and fly around the room.

“I think all that matters [is] following your heart, looking the way you want to look,” she said. “As long as you aren’t hurting anybody else, I think you’re fine.”

Meanwhile, in other news, Courtney and Doug gave a bizarre statement to the Daily Mail saying that although they’ve decided to legally separate, they’ll still be living in the same house together — and that Doug “will still play a role in Courtney’s career as co-manager alongside her mother.”

And then, in what sounds like a Netflix summary for her rumored upcoming reality show, the statement reads:

“Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult — with the freedom to explore her independence.”

In other words, “Her ladybits are 19, single, and ready to mingle! FELLAS?”