Solange Knowles Tried to Beat the Shit Outta Jay-Z. And There’s Video, You Guys.

Being Solange Knowles must be hard. Her sister is Beyonce, and if there’s ever been a real-life version of the Jan Brady “Marcia Marcia MARCIA” syndrome, there it is.

But dude. Busting on Jay-Z? Like, physically? In heels?

From TMZ (who else):

Jay Z was ferociously assaulted by Beyonce’s sister Solange … who was wildly kicking and swinging at him inside an elevator … and the attack was captured on surveillance video … obtained by TMZ.

According to our sources, it all went down at a Met Gala after party last week at the Standard Hotel in NYC. In the video … Jay Z, Beyonce and Solange step into the elevator … and then Solange goes crazy, screaming at Jay before unleashing a violent attack.

A large man — who appears to be a bodyguard — attempts to hold Solange back, but she manages to connect at least 3 times. At one point Solange throws a kick and Jay grabs her foot, but never attempts to strike her. Beyonce stands by without getting physically involved.

It’s unclear what triggered the fight.

My favorite part of this is how Bey stands off to the side, like it’s totes normal for her kid sister to act like she’s on “Jerry Springer” and just found out Jay-Z isn’t the father. Even in a closed elevator, she’s BEYONCE, BITCHES so she’s too good for this shit.

Betty White Throws Deliciously Elegant Shade at Homophobes and Hollywood Douchebags

Say “The Golden Girls” to any gay man with a sense of history and you’ll likely get a treatise on his five (maybe even 10) favorite episodes. It’s something Our Lady of Perpetual Goodness Betty White knows all too well, telling a radio host back in 2011:

“I think the gay community seems to like old ladies, they always have. And when we were on live with ‘Golden Girls’ on Saturday night they’d shut down the music, stop the dancing, watch the show, then turn the music and the dancing back on. We were very grateful and they’ve been dear friends.”

She’s been a vocal supporter of gay marriage for many years, too, once telling Parade:

“If a couple has been together all that time—and there are gay relationships that are more solid than some heterosexual ones—I think it’s fine if they want to get married. I don’t know how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much.”

And like all good wines, cheeses and vintage Gibson guitars, White only gets better with age. In an interview this week with Larry King (yeah, he’s still doing that), she responded to a viewer who asked what she thinks about people who aren’t down with the cause:

“I don’t care whom you sleep with. It’s ‘what kind of a human being are you?’ I don’t understand [why people are anti-gay], it’s such a personal private business and it’s none of mine.”

She also, in an incredibly ladylike way, gave the side-eye to celebrity douchebags when she was asked if there’s anything about the entertainment industry that makes her sad:

“Some of the ingratitude … some of the people who get to a very good point and they don’t appreciate it. They think it’s coming to them, they think it’s their due. It isn’t. There’s always someone over there who can do it better.”

Bow before her, peasants. We’re all unworthy.

bettywhite4

Captain Janeway Isn’t Batshit After All [UPDATED]

Reality! Scientific proof! I shoot you dead! PEW PEW PEW!

Reality! Scientific proof! I shoot you dead! PEW PEW PEW!

UPDATED: Mulgrew issued a statement on her Facebook page saying she was only a “voice for hire” and adding, “I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism.” So it looks like the creepy Robert Sungenis somehow duped more than scientists for his little project.

——————-

Once upon a time, like, 400 years ago, a dude named Galileo posited that the earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around like everyone thought. Long story short, he got in a lot of trouble for his theory, even though he was completely and totally right and everyone has known it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

Well, everyone except the 25 percent of Americans that a recent survey found don’t know even the most basic shit about science. And it’s those people that Kate Mulgrew — aka Captain Janeway from “Star Trek: Voyager” and, more recently, Red from “Orange Is the New Black” — is apparently targeting with her latest project, which is narrating a documentary called “The Principle” that says Galileo duped us all and hahahah funny story but the sun actually revolves around the earth, you guys!

Making matters worse is that the filmmaker is noted anti-Semite and Holocaust-denier Robert Sungenis, who boasts about having noted scientists involved with this fairy tale — except at least one of them, Lawrence Krauss, tweeted this today:

Anyway, here’s the movie trailer in which you’ll hear Mulgrew saying, “Everything we think we know about our universe is wrong,” thus causing Neil deGrasse Tyson‘s eyes to roll so hard he had to take a break from filming “Cosmos” to find them.

i_dont_even_ndt

Sam Worthington Beat the Shit Out of A Paparazzo

Remember Sam Worthington? That bland, generically good-looking fellow who starred in “Avatar” and that super shitty “Terminator” sequel that you haven’t thought about since? Well, here’s some video of him beating up a photographer for harrassing his girlfriend.

Model Lara Bingle was walking around the streets of New York aimlessly when the pap began following her and talking to himself like a hobo with a copy of Dianetics – endlessly repeating “I got it on video!” before any of this went down.

After Bingle kicked the photog and told him to stop following her, he kept at it, eventually leading to Jake Sully Worthington running out, smacking him to the ground and screaming “You want to fucking kick me wife?”

The two aren’t actually married, but have been together since 2013.

Both Worthington and the pap were taken in, Sam for assault and the photog – Sheng Li – for reckless endangerment, assault and harassment.

Too bad they couldn’t just plug their hair into the Earth and live in harmony, or whatever.

RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman. We’ll Miss You So.

Dreamworks

Dreamworks

Celebrity deaths don’t normally feel so personal — but Philip Seymour Hoffman seemed like someone you’d know. He wasn’t classically handsome or suave and he never had a string of supermodels on his arm. He wasn’t afraid of being the frumpy everyman.

He was supremely talented. But, almost as proof of his outsized humanity, he struggled with drug addiction. After being clean for 23 years, he recently checked himself into rehab. Sadly, he couldn’t outrun the demons this time. He was found in his NYC apartment today, dead of an apparent heroin overdose at the age of 46.

His amazing performances are legend, but in this one from “Almost Famous,” it always seemed to me that he wasn’t really acting. Like even though Cameron Crowe wrote the words, they were things Hoffman would’ve said anyway.

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we’re uncool.”

RIP, PSH.

Suck It, Miley: Helen Mirren Out-Twerks Everyone

In case you didn’t know, Dame Helen Mirren is one of the best people in the world ever. From cussing out noisy assholes to delivering insanely poignant performances, she can do it all. Apparently that includes twerking.

The 68-year-old actress appeared at Harvard University this week to receive its Hasty Pudding Theatricals Woman Of The Year award, and played a charades like-game where she had to act out items on cards for others to guess.

Twerking eventually reared its head and, after asserting “I refuse to do it” and a failed attempt to spell the word with her hands, she let out a defeated cursing fit – then declared “Okay,” and threw down the infamous dance move.

Needless to say, it was the classiest twerk ever.

Later, during a ceremonial roast, Mirren opened up about her career, telling the audience that Harrison Ford was the “hottest actor I ever worked with,” (that would be Peter Weir’s phenomenal “The Mosquito Coast”) and said that Meryl Streep would best her in a fight (questionable).

Congratulations, Helen. You’re the twerking queen. Literally.

Cate Blanchett Really Loves Her New SAG Award

Cate Blanchett won a SAG Award tonight for her role in “Blue Jasmine.” Her acceptance speech was awesome — when show producers tried to cut her short, she was quick to remind them that Matthew McConaughey (who’d just won for “Dallas Buyers Club”) was permitted to nonsensically ramble so she’d take her time, thanks.

Still, it flustered her a bit, which I’m sure is what caused this PG-13 moment. But just because she’s classy doesn’t mean I am. So here you go.

‘Super Normal’ Shia LaBeouf Slurs Out a Drunken, Non-Plagiarized Apology for Headbutting That Dude

Shia LaBeouf, who is totally NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE, is still famous enough that when he gets all up in someone’s face at a bar and loses his fecal matter, people whip out cellphones and take video of it.

A couple days ago, Shia was at a South London pub named Hobgoblin (srsly) when some dude apparently dissed his girlfriend’s mom. And because Shia is nothing if not chivalrous, he gallantly headbutted the guy. Over a “your mom” joke.

You can hear a woman screaming his name over and over to get him to back the eff off, and eventually he does, only to be chastised by someone who sounds like an extra from “Mary Poppins” right before the video ends.

Then early this morning, video of him talking to some bar patrons later that same night emerged.

If you can’t understand his drunken slurs, here’s a partial transcript of what he says:

“I’m not trying to have, like, any more problems. Like, I’m really just trying to make peace … I’m a normal human being. Look, I accept what I get into to do what I love. I’m not trying to shit on nobody. I’m a human being, you know what I mean?

I’m super normal. Like more normal than most. When people wanna get hostile, or shit on my girl’s mom, or say things that are out of turn …

I’m sorry about that. I got no control over that. I’m just trying to make peace, you know?”

HE’S SUPER NORMAL, YOU GUYS. GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

Maybe he should stop hanging out at this joint — he was in another fight there back in November of 2012. Then again, he got into a street brawl in front of a bar in Vancouver three years ago, too. So maybe it’s not the locale, maybe it’s him (it’s totally him).

Watching the second video, I almost feel bad for the guy. He can’t even do that thing we all do when we’re drunk — where we bare our souls and think we’re being incredibly deep and poignant when really we’re just sloppy and shouldn’t speak at all — without someone taping it and selling it to a tabloid site.

Then I remember what a douche he is even when he’s sober and yeah, never mind.

Paris Hilton, Who Can’t Really DJ, Gets Paid a Lot of Money to DJ

Play that funky music, white girl

Play that funky music, white girl. Or just let someone else do it for you.

Since Paris Hilton can’t really make a living just being Paris Hilton anymore, she got herself a job: She’s been DJ’ing all over the world and getting paid a shitload to do it. She even recently said she’s one of the top five DJs on the planet, causing real DJs like Paul Oakenfold to sputter and make all the lolz.

So you probably won’t clutch your pearls when I tell you that someone on Quora asked “Is Paris Hilton a Good DJ?” and the answer was a resounding “mmmmno.” The photo above was provided as evidence, along with the explanation:

In the middle of Paris Hilton’s subpar deejay debut in Brazil [in 2012], a man suddenly appeared from behind the booth and started twisting the knobs on her Traktor Kontrol, essentially doing her job for her.

Never in my life have I seen a DJ – professional or amateur – let another person touch anything in their personal space while they are at work. It just isn’t done… unless of course, the person in front of the crowd is not really deejaying.

Paris plays pre-programmed mixes, none of which are any good. She doesn’t mix at all while she’s on stage. She dresses like a cocktail party guest instead of like an actual DJ. She spends more time dancing on stage than actually spinning records. Even after dating Afrojack, one of the top DJs in the world, she clearly does not have a grasp of how to play for a crowd.

In fairness, sleeping with someone does not magically infuse you with their powers. (If that were true, I’d play one hell of a guitar solo.) (And maybe some drums too.)

Meanwhile, someone else went all existential:

The question contains an invalid assumption: Paris Hilton is not a DJ. Claiming this is the most offensive thing you can say to any real DJ. She’s a moronic celebrity, aiming to “look cool” behind the decks, nothing else. Therefore she cannot be “good” at something she is not at all in the first place.

Which begs the question: If an heiress falls in the woods and there’s no one around to hear her, does she just hire someone else to make a sound?

Yesterday Was a Bad Day to Be Justin Bieber’s BFF

You know you're jelly of those onesies

You know you’re jelly of those onesies

By now, pretty much everyone knows the LAPD busted up into Justin Bieber‘s house yesterday with so much manpower that you’d have thought he was a Colombian gun-runner instead of a wannabe banger who winged a few dozen eggs at a neighbor’s house and was stupid enough to be caught on video doing it.

During the raid, cops found what they thought was a pile of cocaine “in plain sight” and arrested Lil Za, one of the Biebs’ hangers-on besties. Still unclear is why they arrested HIM when it wasn’t his house, but since Justin is the bitch who makes all the money, Za probably just took one for the team. (The drugs were later reported to be Ecstasy and Xanax, not coke — which translates to a lot less jail time, should it come to that.)

Za was booked for felony drug possession but posted bail a short time later and was mere minutes from freedom when he inexplicably lost his shit and tore up a phone in the jailhouse. That got his dumb ass booked again, this time for vandalism. Because he’s not rich or famous enough to vandalize things and call it art.

Upon his eventual release, he did a walk of shame during which the paparazzi asked him a bunch of idiotic questions they knew he wouldn’t answer, but the main takeaway from that is his inane nickname is apparently pronounced “zay” and not “zah.” (Which totally ruins all the “pizZA” jokes everyone made about him on Twitter yesterday.)

As for the Biebs, the LAPD collected all kinds of evidence from his house yesterday — including his security system, which presumably has video — but at this time, a police spokesman says he “has not been exonerated, nor has he been arrested.”