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The Captain & Tennille Are Getting Divorced. Love Is Well and Truly Dead.

And the muskrats wept

And the muskrats wept

All of you under 30, go watch MTV or something for a while (kids still do that, right?). And if you hear your mom crying, it’s okay. She’s just mourning the death of love because Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille — aka the Captain & Tennille, America’s greatest purveyors of 70s pop schmaltz — are getting divorced.

And the story might be even sadder than it already seems.

The couple, who is responsible for such classic hits as “Love Will Keep Up Together” and “Muskrat Love,” is breaking up after 39 years of marriage.

The Prescott, Arizona City Courthouse tells RumorFix that Toni Tennille, whose real name is Cathryn Antoinette Tennille, 73, filed for divorce against Daryl Dragon, 71, on January 16.

Awful, right? Couples that age who’ve been together that long very rarely split. It’s enough to make a LOLCAT cry.

But then TMZ added a new twist — because it spoke to Daryl, who not only said he and Toni are still living together, but added, “I don’t know why she filed. I gotta figure it out for myself first.”

That makes no sense — until you hear the rest of the story (emphasis mine):

According to the divorce docs, obtained by TMZ, there’s special mention about health insurance coverage, and that seems relevant, because in 2009 Toni blogged that Daryl had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. In 2011 Toni updated the message, saying Daryl’s tremors were so bad he was embarrassed to go out in public … to restaurants, the movies, etc.

Here’s what’s unclear — whether it’s possible Toni really filed for health insurance reasons … whether his coverage might be better if they were divorced.

The blog has an update on Jan 16, 2014, saying “The Captain & Tennille appeared to the public as them being the ideal model for a ‘rock-solid’ married pair. But almost all people naturally evolve over time, & sometimes hidden feelings start to be uncovered …”

The Captain & Tennille never achieved the same hipster cred (nor the accompanying tribute albums) contemporaries of theirs like The Carpenters did, but even still, most of the celebrity net worth sites on the web peg Toni’s worth alone at $9 million. Assuming that’s true, it’s hard to imagine she’s undoing a four-decade marriage just to save a little money. (Then again, insurance companies are douchebags, so.)

No idea what’s really going on here, but either way, it’s all terribly depressing.

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Split, Prove Love Is Dead

Oh, like you don’t wear stripper heels on the beach

Before she became the human blow-up doll she is today, Courtney Stodden was a 16-year-old child bride whose creepy parents sanctioned her marriage to the even creepier 51-year-old Doug Hutchison. But after three years of standing steadfastly by her side (mainly to keep her from toppling over in her Lucite heels), Doug’s been abandoned like a newborn on prom night.

“Courtney has called it quits on her marriage,” a source told Radar. “She is done with him and he’s totally heartbroken.”

Seems everything went to hell when Courtney’s recent stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” showed her she didn’t need a man after all (and also what it felt like to flirt with guys who weren’t old enough to vote during the Carter administration).

“Courtney has changed so much since being in [the 'Big Brother'] house,” another insider told the Daily Mail. “She is more independent and just wants to have fun like any 19-year-old.”

RIP true love.

courtneylolresized

Orlando Bloom + Miranda Kerr Are Dunzo

Instagram

Instagram

Just as Kanye West and Kim Kardashian prepare to sign a prenup so they can keep their respective gold chains and mummy wraps after an inevitable divorce, Orlando Bloom and supermodel Miranda Kerr have agreed to go their separate ways and explore stranger tides.

The couple, who started canoodling in 2007, released a statement through publicists saying:

“They have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation.”

“Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”

Their son Flynn was born in 2011 (and will be mocked his entire life by people who remember “Breaking Bad”).

And so another Hollywood marriage comes to an end. But don’t feel bad for either of them. This Middle Earth is large enough for them to both find love again. Maybe faster than you think.

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The Jonas Brothers Dismantled their Twitter Account

404: Inane Ramblings Not Found

404: Inane Ramblings Not Found

Just over a week after the Jonas Brothers cancelled their upcoming tour because they couldn’t decide on one direction (see what we did there?) to take the band, the brothers have now shuttered their Twitter account.

None of the brothers have tweeted from their personal accounts since early October, leading people to speculate that something serious is up (drugs), and that the band may be done for good. Pretty cool, right?

So, how does this affect you? Well, if you’re a Twitter user, you’ll never have to see a #Jonas hashtag asking them to give a concert in Belize ever again. That right there is reason enough to throw a party.

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Patti Stanger Wants Bruce Jenner On ‘Millionaire Matchmaker.’ Didn’t See That Coming.

Twitter

Twitter

Not a few days after Bruce and Kris Jenner announced their separation, Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger has already set her sights on getting one of them for an E!/Bravo masturbatory crossover by calling up Bruce’s people and trying to get him on her show.

E! caught up with Patti at a Life & Style party in Hollywood, where she said:

“I think the way they’re handling it is wonderful. I mean a lot of people should take a page from Kris and Bruce’s book. I’m sure this is coming from a long time ago, it wasn’t a shock to them. It wasn’t like yesterday to them. They planned it, they did a really good job.”

So Bruce and Kris get an A+ for their mad separating skills. Even though all they really did was move into different houses months ago and meet up to pretend they were in a loving relationship for the sake of television cameras. Anyone could do that.

But Patti continued, saying she had already put out a call to Bruce’s people to get him on “The Millionaire Matchmaker” – an offer you know he’s going to take. Because attention. She then espoused her views on the perfect man for Kris (besides masochistic):

“Kris is all woman. She needs to go for a younger guy. I have to think on Kris. I’d like a guy like 10-12 years younger than her, who really likes the fast lane, who wants to build the empire, who wants to be in the front lines. The guy that really makes her feel confident and he wants wealth, he wants power. A go-getter. Maybe a Silicon Valley guy.”

That’s a lot of qualifications there. Maybe you should first concentrate on finding a guy who can live with the fact that his penis will be going into territory formerly occupied by Bruce Jenner’s melted candlestick.

But if anyone can find a match for these two, it’s Patti. Or Satan. Satan could probably do it.
 

The Kardashians Are Shutting Down Just Like Our Government

E!

E!

Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.

TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.

Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.

Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?

Ether way, we don’t really care.

Liam Hemsworth Has Had About All of Miley Cyrus He Can Stand, Thanks

Miley-Liam

Twitter

Miley Cyrus is super-proud of the Twerk of Desperation she did at the VMAs, and even her dad refused to publicly condemn it (giving you a real glimpse into the twisted family dynamics here because if I’d pulled that stunt, my dad would’ve charged the stage with a tranq gun and a tarp).

But there IS a guy in Miley’s life who wasn’t pleased: her fiance, Liam Hemsworth, who reportedly found the whole spectacle “mortifying.”

“He is over her and wants to make a clean break,” a snitch told Us Weekly. “No more back and forth.”

Liam, 23, and Miley, 20, hooked up in 2009 while filming “The Last Song” together, and he put a ring on it last year. Since then, though, things have been rough — largely because Miley now thinks she’s the black Pink. (Or the white Rihanna. Hard to say lately.)

The betrothed pair is still living in the same house but supposedly sleeping in separate rooms, which isn’t surprising since at a recent joint red carpet appearance, they looked like an awkward couple set up on a blind date by their well-meaning grandparents.

More recently, Liam spent last weekend with his family in Toronto, supposedly to support the premiere of brother Chris Hemsworth‘s new movie, “Rush.” Or maybe he just got a sneak peek at Miley’s “Wrecking Ball” video and left the country in protest.