Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s Split Is More Pretentious Than Brunch in the Hamptons

Because Gwyneth Paltrow can’t even have her heart broken like a poor, she took to her website today to announce that she and her husband of more than a decade, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are “consciously uncoupling.”

GOOP crashed hard (and is still down as of this writing) but here’s a screencap:

paltrow-martin-split

This is all very sad and WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN and whatever, but look at the photo she included. See, when normal people break up, they take Magic Markers and draw evil eyebrows on their exes. Not the Paltrow-Martins.

It looks like they commissioned a portrait session for their split complete with sundresses and ties casually askew, and they probably had Cee Lo’s “Forget You” playing the whole time (Gwyneth’s version from “Glee,” naturally) because they’re evolved enough to already be good friends who can laugh at breakup songs with no residual bitterness at all.

But I like to imagine that late at night, when no one’s looking, she heads for the kitchen and breakup-binges like any other girl. (With an $800 bottle of wine and beluga caviar on gluten-free gourmet crackers, of course.)

Gwyneth-Paltrow eating

Khloe Kardashian Is Giving Lamar Odom Divorce Papers for Christmas

sad trombone

Now that Kim Kardashian and Yeezus are engaged, The Mother doesn’t need Khloe Kardashian‘s marital drama for ratings anymore — so Lamar Odom is being tossed on the scrapheap of misfit Kardashian husbands. (Oh HAI, Kris Humphries. ‘sup?)

Khloe Kardashian is filing for divorce from Lamar Odom … TODAY.

Sources tell us, Khloe will be citing irreconcilable differences in her legal docs. The split should be pretty cut and dry — an ironclad prenup which kept all their assets separate … and no kids.

The end was a long time coming … Khloe had expressed dire concerns about the marriage ever since she learned about Lamar’s crack addiction earlier this year, but she forestalled divorce for fear he’d OD or worse.

The couple got married in September of 2009 after an extended one-month courtship, and many people didn’t think it would last. And while you may think a four-year marriage means it didn’t last, just remember it was like 20 times longer than Kim’s marriage to Kris. A love story for the ages, if you will.

Meanwhile, with two younger sisters at home, “So You Think You Can Marry a Kardashian” is already scouting NBA stars for next season.

saggyballs

Ashton Kutcher’s Now a Single Man. Ladies?

The couple who wears hipster glasses together, stays in divorce court together

The couple who wears hipster glasses together, never has a chance together

Two years after Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore separated (following an incident during which his peen tripped and fell into a vag that wasn’t hers), the former marrieds are officially divorced. And her bank balance likely has an extra zero or two.

We’ll give Demi this: She’s married very, very well. Or rather, she’s divorced very well — because despite few acting gigs in the past couple decades, she’s STUPID wealthy. As in, worth $150 million, thanks in no small part to the $90 million she got as a parting gift when she split from Bruce Willis in 2000.

That meant she was the rich one when she got her cougar on and hooked up with Ashton five years later — but that was before CBS lost its goddamned mind and made him Hollywood’s highest paid TV star. Between that and his tech investments (he got in on Spotify, Skype and Airbnb early), he’s now worth $140 million.

The exact terms of the divorce haven’t been disclosed, but it’s clear Demi felt the public humiliation she suffered when Ashton boffed a trashy rando (who couldn’t wait to tell the tabloids all about it) had a price tag, and she held out this long to make him pay.

“Ashton has been very difficult during the talks,” a source told Page Six back in March. “You could even say he has been hostile.”

Maybe he finally settled so he could put a ring on Mila Kunis — before she realizes she’s dating WAY below her weight class and bails.

Courtney Stodden Says She and Her Vag Are Super Happy to Have Their Freedom

Courtney Stodden recently split from her legally-sanctioned pedophile husband Doug Hutchison, and she wants you to know what happened — in her own words.

So she painted on her best Joker brows, sneezed into a jar of body glitter and did an “exclusive” with E!, home of the Kardashians. Because apparently giving a stage to talentless famewhores is all that network does now.

Asked by E’s crack reporting team what went wrong in the marriage, the now 19-year-old Stodden answered, “My age, obviously.” (Congrats on asking a question so stupid that even Courtney Stodden side-eyes you, E.)

She added that her stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” was the first time she’d been separated from Doug for any length of time, and that while she was “missing him,” she wasn’t missing him “intimately.”

“I couldn’t neglect my desires and wanting to embrace my independence and my freedom,” she said. “I [don't want to] neglect my youth.”

There’s more in the interview about her plastic surgery and how much Doug was against it (a rare moment of likability for him), but she insists she’s “happy” to look like if you poked her with a pin she’d go PPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT and fly around the room.

“I think all that matters [is] following your heart, looking the way you want to look,” she said. “As long as you aren’t hurting anybody else, I think you’re fine.”

Meanwhile, in other news, Courtney and Doug gave a bizarre statement to the Daily Mail saying that although they’ve decided to legally separate, they’ll still be living in the same house together — and that Doug “will still play a role in Courtney’s career as co-manager alongside her mother.”

And then, in what sounds like a Netflix summary for her rumored upcoming reality show, the statement reads:

“Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult — with the freedom to explore her independence.”

In other words, “Her ladybits are 19, single, and ready to mingle! FELLAS?”
 

The Many Faces of Bruce and Kris Jenner Are Calling It Quits

CBS

CBS

So it turns out having reality show cameras up your ass 24/7 isn’t so good for a marriage, because Bruce Jenner and The Mother have split.

Here’s their joint statement to E! Online:

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

Well, that’s what Bruce said anyway. Kris’ statement was more like “now that I’m more famous than he is I don’t need this loser anymore so I’m ghosting,” but that’s hard for Ryan Seacrest to read through a Botoxed permasmile so they went with Bruce’s statement instead.

TMZ says no one’s filed for divorce nor is anyone all that interested in doing so since they “don’t want to screw up their reality show … which is raking in $40 mil for the family.”

You know, the same family that’s their “number one priority.”

kardashians-disease

Richard Gere Is Single Again

Vogue

Vogue

In news that will surely launch a thousand unfunny gerbil jokes, Richard Gere and his wife of 11 years, actress Carey Lowell, are calling it quits thanks to what Page Six calls “different lifestyles.”

But before you get on Twitter and say something lame about Habitrails being a lifestyle choice now, seems the couple’s problems go deeper (SHUT UP) than that. Sources say they’ve “been spending time apart for quite some time,” largely because she’s all bright lights big city and he’s all peace and serenity and evening cocktails with the Dalai Lama.

“They have a place in Bedford [NY], and he likes it because it’s quiet and he likes the solitude,” said the insider. “She likes being in North Haven in the limelight. They live next door to Jimmy Buffett and his family, and they’re good friends.”

No one’s filed for divorce yet, but maybe they’ve been in the planning stages for a while. Back in July, the pair did put their 12-bedroom, 12,000-square-foot Hamptons home — with an “outdoor fireplace pavilion, 300 feet of waterfront and a teahouse” — on the market for $65 million.

And about a year ago, Gere supposedly pissed off some guy by flirting with his wife. She acted like she wasn’t into it, but you just know she texted all her friends later that night to brag about it (because Jesus have you seen “American Gigolo”?).

Justin Bieber Kicked Lils Twist and Za to the Curb

Instagram

Instagram

In case you didn’t know, Justin Bieber has been letting his two famewhore hooligan pals Lil Za and Lil Twist shack up in his home while they terrorize Calabasas, CA and attempt to leverage their friendship with Justin to get an MTV reality show.

But alas, Justin kicked them out of his castle when, after returning home from a leg of his tour, he discovered several pieces of his jewelry were missing.

TMZ, citing mysterious sources, says while the bling went MIA during one or more raucous parties that took place in Justin’s absence, he blamed Twist and Za for the thefts happening on their watch — and ordered them both out. Still though, he doesn’t know who has the stolen merch (any chance Lindsay Lohan was at these soirees?).

Tattletales also told TMZ that Justin is privately acknowledging he needs to change and maybe give up his troublemaking ways of late, which have included blowing off shows and treating airplanes like Coloradan smoke lounges.

While it’s sad to think that Justin felt the need to account for every piece of jewelry and tapestry in his home after a journey, we’re glad that’s all over now. He apparently isn’t ready to go public with the story yet, but the image of Twist and Za walking down the road in the rain to the sad “Charlie Brown Christmas” theme is pretty fantastic.

Meanwhile, Za must be under the impression that Morley Safer or Anderson Cooper want to get in on this hot story, because earlier today he tweeted:

Muhfukkas wanna keep up with this bullshit I got some stories for you, who wanna have a sit down? CNN? 60minutes?

But just as quickly as he said it, he deleted it. Maybe he’s not quite ready to burn that bridge just yet. Even if he has to sleep under it for a few days first.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Might Be Back on the Market. Fellas?

Now you, too, can become a chair for Catharine Zeta-Jones.

Now you too can become a chair for Catherine Zeta-Jones

After 13 years of being married and grossing everybody out, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have separated. Possibly because her vagina gave him cancer.

Douglas, 68, and Zeta-Jones, 43, were last photographed together April 22, and have been going through some rough patches lately. Catherine’s battled bipolar disorder for years, and back in 2010, Michael was diagnosed with (questionably obtained) oral cancer. The ensuing stress, a source told PEOPLE, has “taken a toll” on the marriage.

The couple has two children together (Dylan, 13, and Carys, 10) and a close family friend tells the magazine the kids come first, saying, “[Michael and Catherine] want the best for [them], no matter what happens.”

In the meantime, Catherine’s days will no longer be filled with driving Michael to the park to play chess or watching DVR’d episodes of “Downton Abbey.”  Plus, there’s still hope for reconciliation.

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