Solange Knowles Tried to Beat the Shit Outta Jay-Z. And There’s Video, You Guys.

Being Solange Knowles must be hard. Her sister is Beyonce, and if there’s ever been a real-life version of the Jan Brady “Marcia Marcia MARCIA” syndrome, there it is.

But dude. Busting on Jay-Z? Like, physically? In heels?

From TMZ (who else):

Jay Z was ferociously assaulted by Beyonce’s sister Solange … who was wildly kicking and swinging at him inside an elevator … and the attack was captured on surveillance video … obtained by TMZ.

According to our sources, it all went down at a Met Gala after party last week at the Standard Hotel in NYC. In the video … Jay Z, Beyonce and Solange step into the elevator … and then Solange goes crazy, screaming at Jay before unleashing a violent attack.

A large man — who appears to be a bodyguard — attempts to hold Solange back, but she manages to connect at least 3 times. At one point Solange throws a kick and Jay grabs her foot, but never attempts to strike her. Beyonce stands by without getting physically involved.

It’s unclear what triggered the fight.

My favorite part of this is how Bey stands off to the side, like it’s totes normal for her kid sister to act like she’s on “Jerry Springer” and just found out Jay-Z isn’t the father. Even in a closed elevator, she’s BEYONCE, BITCHES so she’s too good for this shit.

Your Fantasy Boyfriend Jon Hamm Just Called Justin Bieber a ‘Shithead’

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

Back in 2012, ‘Mad Men’ star Jon Hamm famously said what everyone else was thinking when he told British Elle:

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

This hurt Kim’s widdle feewings and caused her to take an unprecedented break from her exhausting schedule of posting selfies and breastfeeding E! Online to shoot back (via Twitter, of course) with, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless.”

Then someone shot a laser pointer at the wall and she scampered off.

Hamm, however, is still adorably unafraid of speaking his mind, because our favorite non-sufferer of fools (and underwear) is now back in the news, telling truth about Justin Bieber to the May issue of Men’s Fitness:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’

You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish?’ Life skills are something we’re missing … just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”

He’s totally right, of course. Too bad Bieber’s parents are so worthless — his dad is a violent loser and his mom has always been too busy being a leech to give him any boundaries.

But never mind all that. Can we get Jon to write a YA book? “Life Lessons with Jon Hamm” would be a runaway bestseller.

Sam Worthington Beat the Shit Out of A Paparazzo

Remember Sam Worthington? That bland, generically good-looking fellow who starred in “Avatar” and that super shitty “Terminator” sequel that you haven’t thought about since? Well, here’s some video of him beating up a photographer for harrassing his girlfriend.

Model Lara Bingle was walking around the streets of New York aimlessly when the pap began following her and talking to himself like a hobo with a copy of Dianetics – endlessly repeating “I got it on video!” before any of this went down.

After Bingle kicked the photog and told him to stop following her, he kept at it, eventually leading to Jake Sully Worthington running out, smacking him to the ground and screaming “You want to fucking kick me wife?”

The two aren’t actually married, but have been together since 2013.

Both Worthington and the pap were taken in, Sam for assault and the photog – Sheng Li – for reckless endangerment, assault and harassment.

Too bad they couldn’t just plug their hair into the Earth and live in harmony, or whatever.

Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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‘Super Normal’ Shia LaBeouf Slurs Out a Drunken, Non-Plagiarized Apology for Headbutting That Dude

Shia LaBeouf, who is totally NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE, is still famous enough that when he gets all up in someone’s face at a bar and loses his fecal matter, people whip out cellphones and take video of it.

A couple days ago, Shia was at a South London pub named Hobgoblin (srsly) when some dude apparently dissed his girlfriend’s mom. And because Shia is nothing if not chivalrous, he gallantly headbutted the guy. Over a “your mom” joke.

You can hear a woman screaming his name over and over to get him to back the eff off, and eventually he does, only to be chastised by someone who sounds like an extra from “Mary Poppins” right before the video ends.

Then early this morning, video of him talking to some bar patrons later that same night emerged.

If you can’t understand his drunken slurs, here’s a partial transcript of what he says:

“I’m not trying to have, like, any more problems. Like, I’m really just trying to make peace … I’m a normal human being. Look, I accept what I get into to do what I love. I’m not trying to shit on nobody. I’m a human being, you know what I mean?

I’m super normal. Like more normal than most. When people wanna get hostile, or shit on my girl’s mom, or say things that are out of turn …

I’m sorry about that. I got no control over that. I’m just trying to make peace, you know?”

HE’S SUPER NORMAL, YOU GUYS. GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

Maybe he should stop hanging out at this joint — he was in another fight there back in November of 2012. Then again, he got into a street brawl in front of a bar in Vancouver three years ago, too. So maybe it’s not the locale, maybe it’s him (it’s totally him).

Watching the second video, I almost feel bad for the guy. He can’t even do that thing we all do when we’re drunk — where we bare our souls and think we’re being incredibly deep and poignant when really we’re just sloppy and shouldn’t speak at all — without someone taping it and selling it to a tabloid site.

Then I remember what a douche he is even when he’s sober and yeah, never mind.

Tina Fey + Amy Poehler: A Swiftie Compendium

Twitter

Twitter

There’s a scene in Peter Weir‘s vastly underrated 1986 adaptation of “The Mosquito Coast” where Allie Fox, played by Harrison Ford, is prattling on about the problems with America. He’s walking with a young aboriginal who doesn’t understand English, but imparts the following knowledge anyway: “There are people in New York who live on pet food and would kill you for a quarter.”

Notice that if you replace “people” with “Taylor Swift fans” the sentence still makes perfect sense.

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Shia LaBeouf Is None Too Pleased With Jim Carrey Right Now

"Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" *Plays "Even Stevens" reruns*

“Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?” *Plays “Even Stevens” reruns*

Last night, while presenting at the Golden Globes, Jim Carrey took the stage to announce the winner of Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy. He opened this by reciting a famous quote – “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard,” – but then added this addendum: “I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, so wise.”

This, of course, was a reference to Shia’s recent plagiarism “Shia bein Shia” flap, wherein he blatantly copied a short film, and then apologized by plagiarizing several different apologies. But Shia was watching (he has eyes everywhere) and probably began firing off a whole bunch of “No, no no no no’s” in his head. Soon after Carrey’s quip, the “Transformers” star sent this tweet:

Pretty artsy, right? Jim Carrey = Schrodinger’s comedian.

But LaDouche wasn’t done, responding to an E! online tweet and confirming that he definitely Twitter searches himself (but we already knew that):

And even though his grammar and syntax are IMPECCABLE, he forgot to check his facts. Jim Carrey has not abandoned daughter Jane Carrey. In fact, they seem to be pretty tight. And Shia must have someone in his corner looking out for him, because eventually he saw the error of his tweets, ways and being:

(It should also be noted that Jane Carrey is now the one and only person Shia follows on Twitter.)

Meanwhile, Jim Carrey hasn’t said a goddamn word, which is smart – but also odd, considering he has a track record of saying strange things via Twitter.

Hopefully this isn’t all bad. At the very least, we hope they can make up and Shia can come out of faux retirement for a cameo in “Dumb and Dumber Too.” Possibly one that involves being kicked in the balls, since he’s such a method actor.

And never forget:

Martha Stewart Throws (Handmade) Shade at Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s a Good Thing.

Professional badass Martha Stewart spawned the modern “lifestyle brand” trend. Without her, chances are good Gwyneth Paltrow would’ve never founded Goop, thus depriving us of some utterly golden reading material — so all hail Mother Martha!

But what does she think of her occasionally British pretender?

Asked by TMZ if she’s a better “lifestyle coach” than Paltrow, Martha gave a derisive snort and replied, “Lifestyle coach? Oh, for heaven’s sake. You have to live to be a coach.”

Here’s a reenactment of my reaction, in four acts with no intermission.

 

The Princess of Pretension has yet to respond to Martha’s barb, and if she’s smart, she won’t. She may be powerful enough to get her friends to boycott Vanity Fair (well, some of them, anyway), but Stewart did time in the joint — so you just know she wouldn’t hesitate to hand-craft a festive shank, cuttabitch, and use the blood as stencil paint.

 

Lindsay Lohan Had Her Goons Beat Up Paris Hilton’s Kid Brother

TMZ

TMZ

Back in 2006 when she was still a thing, Paris Hilton was caught on video practically peeing herself with laughter as her douchebag pal Brandon Davis trashed Lindsay Lohan and her (allegedly) ginger vaj, bestowing a nickname that sticks even today: Firecrotch.

Paris has since been replaced in pop culture by something newer, shinier and Kardashianier, but LiLo has apparently never forgotten — or forgiven — the bitch she once was. And if TMZ is to be believed, Lohan’s now taking it out on Paris’ kid brother, Barron.

Multiple sources connected to the situation tell us … Barron attended a party last night at a Miami mansion where Lindsay has been staying while she’s in town for an art festival — a party that lasted until well after the sun came up.

We’re told … during the party, someone accused Barron of talking smack about Lindsay — and a short time later he was attacked and beaten to a pulp. TMZ obtained a photo of the damage.

We know … 24-year-old Barron spoke with police following the incident. He claims Lohan orchestrated the beating.

Barron told cops Lindsay approached him at the party with a male friend and began screaming, “‘You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get.”

As the guy proceeded to pummel Barron, Hilton claims Lindsay was laughing and egging him on.

Cops were called to the scene and interviewed Barron. We’re told Barron doesn’t know the identity of his attacker but is adamant Lindsay is the person behind the attack.

Lindsay’s camp denies everything, of course, and says she left the party before the beatdown even happened. Problem is, there’s video of Barron and his friends confronting her right after someone played whack-a-mole on his face.

If you’ve seen the “firecrotch” video, you know how utterly awful Paris was and it’s somewhat comforting to know her fall from grace soon followed. But really, if Lindsay’s gonna make the brother pay for the sins of the sister, she’s doing it all wrong.

It’s like she’s never seen “Game of Thrones” at all.

That Crazy Chick Who’s Been Stalking Alec Baldwin Is Going to Jail

Oh God. Not the dog. NOT THE DOG.

Oh God. Not the dog. NOT THE DOG.

After a three day trial in New York during which she swore Alec Baldwin promised her “omelets every morning” forever and ever amen, 41-year-old Canadian actress Genevieve Sabourin was sentenced by a judge to 210 days in jail — 180 for stalking and harassment with another 30 tossed in for contempt of court (since she couldn’t keep her mouth shut during the trial).

Her story is that Alec hit on her on the 2002 set of “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” but that since he was married to Kim Basinger at the time she rebuffed his advances because she’s nobody’s sidepiece, yo.

But she says they finally did have carnal knowledge of each other after a “dream date” on Valentine’s Day of 2010. Per CNN:

Baldwin took her to a Broadway play and dinner in Manhattan, she testified. The date ended the next morning, after they had sex in her hotel room and he made romantic promises, Sabourin testified.

“I make the best omelets in the world and I’d be happy to make you omelets every morning for the rest of your life,” she quoted the actor as saying.

For his part, Baldwin maintains that while he did have dinner with her as a favor to a friend who was trying to help her career, his business advice wasn’t administered naked — and that any “relationship” they had was all in Sabourin’s mind.

This prompted repeated Tourette’s like outbursts of “you’re lying!” and “I’m innocent!” and “‘The Adventures of Pluto Nash’ sucked donkey dong!” (I may have improvised that last one but don’t pretend I’m wrong.)

What isn’t in dispute is that in the months after their one-nighter, Sabourin sent a lot of creepy emails to Baldwin, violated restraining orders by calling him and showing up in person wherever he was, and scared the living shit out of his now-wife, Hilaria.

“I am less than 10 minutes away from you tonight. Say ‘I do’ to me,” one e-mail says.

In another e-mail, she said she was ready to get married: “I need to start my new life with my new name … in my new country, help my newly husband, you!”

In another e-mail, she admits defeat: “I may have lost all the battles to win your heart over in the past two years, but I’ve learn (sic) so much,” it says.

Her attorney insisted his Stage 5 Clinger client “had a legitimate purpose in determining the status of their relationship.” (And, apparently, whether she’d need to start buying her own eggs again.)

Baldwin wasn’t there to hear the judge’s ruling, but upon leaving court earlier this week, he told reporters to eff off and that he hoped one in particular “choked to death.” This, however, didn’t make much of a media ripple. Because Alec Baldwin.