You Will Now Watch Tila Tequila Have (Bigoted) Sex

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

When erstwhile reality star Tila Tequila began ranting about how she believes Hitler did nothing wrong, it wasn’t difficult to read between the lines and figure out something else was coming. If that was your inclination, you were right, because Operation Shock and Disgust has ultimately lead up to the release of a brand new Tila sex tape (that you will grudgingly watch but not admit to).

TMZ reports Tila’s taking a page from the Farrah Abraham book of tricks and releasing a “very hardcore” sex tape. Unlike her previous tape, featuring a gaggle of vapid women, this one features a dude.

Meanwhile, she’s doubled down on Facebook posts about how the Jews, the New World Order and the Illuminati are out to attack her massive, uninformed  breasts. Here is one such post:

I TOLD YOU… THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE I AM SHE. TILISIS AND THESE ARE GOD’S WARNINGS & MESSAGES TO THE PEOPLE. I SPEAK THE TRUTH & THEY WANT TO SLANDER GOD’S TRUTH? THAT IS OK BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY ARE SPREADING GOD’S MESSAGE ALBEIT UNWITTINGLY!! GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS!!!! – Tilisis

And honestly, who doesn’t want to see god’s messenger get nailed in an abandoned house in the San Fernando Valley?

Tune in next week when we run a DNA test on the dude she bones in the sex tape and discover he’s a secret Jewish ninja trying to stop her from giving up the secrets of International Banking. With his penis.

Nic Cage Sex Photos Are A Thing

Photo Credit: The imitable @classforwine

Photo Credit: The imitable @classforwine

Somewhere out there, at this very minute, photos of Nicolas Cage (whom you’ll recognize from classics such as “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”) having sex are circulating in the ether.

The photos in question were stolen from the house of Nicky’s ex and baby mama, Christina Fulton, who decided to keep them around for some reason. Kinda like analog snapchats with no expiration date.

According to TMZ , the culprit is Ricardo Orozco – a handyman who had access to Fulton’s house and used it to boost not only a box of the dirty pics but also four, count ‘em,  four computers. Ricardo was nabbed last month, charged with felony burglary and is being held on $1 million bail.

But the photos have not been recovered and cops are still on the hunt. For naked photos of Nic Cage. There aren’t enough donuts in the world to make that job worth it.

Anyone who comes across these photos should probably burn them before they’re unleashed into the world and Nic is cast as himself in a Lifetime version of this story.

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‘Courtney Stodden: The Porno’ Is Probably On Its Way

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Nuts

Courtney Stodden was born to be a porn star. There is no question that she would be a huge star as she exudes sexuality…I would love to sign her to a contract and now that she’s going to be single, maybe she’d be interested. If not, she would be a great host for us on VividTV (our cable network) until she felt fully comfortable…She has the body and the looks to be a star, but her sex would have to be super-hot to complete the package….A successful porn star can make several hundred thousand dollars a year. Courtney would surely make more.”

That was what Steve Hirsch, CEO of Vivid Entertainment, said when speaking to E! about whether famewhore Courtney Stodden should do porn. Obviously Steve met the question with an enthusiastic yes, because nobody wants to see Courtney Stodden do anything except have sex. Literally. That’s it.

Hirsch, responsible for such hits as the Farrah Abraham porno, the Kim Kardashian sex tape and a new remake of Marilyn Chambers’ “Behind the Green Door” (which I totally just made a mental note to check out) is actually a funny guy. He also always seems genuinely concerned that everybody he gets involved with is “comfortable.”

Having said that, Courtney Stodden is a woman who said she’d never do porn. But she also said she’d never get breast implants, and since her breakup with Doug Hutchison, she’s lost her novelty factor. Courtney’s running out of options, and she’s probably not looking to get a doctorate in anthropology at this point. Plus, she’d get more money (and press) off of porn than she would making her “music” for the next 50 years.

It’s safe to assume that we’ll see this “Courtney Stodden: All Undressed and Nothing to Think” video popping up within the next year. So prepare yourself, America. You’re about to reach your full potential.
 
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Justin Bieber Needs Better Non-Disclosure Agreements

Justin Bieber is still trolling around Brazil, where he was previously seen leaving a whorehouse dressed as Casper the ghost, and this time his brilliant security slipped and let one of his female acquaintances post a video from inside of his locked-down hotel room.

So here he is sleeping in bed next to one of those stupid flat-brimmed hats while the camerawoman collects evidence for her friends. A source told the Daily Mail that there were multiple women and men there, conspicuously adding “not prostitutes,” and insisting Justin fell asleep, the girl walked in and took the video.

But then came a photo tweeted out by a model named Gaby Del Campo, who posted a picture of a stack of hundred dollar bills and implied she “earned” them from Justin. Also, there are several tweets that flat-out called her a prostitute that she took the liberty of retweeting, indicating she doesn’t object to that moniker. She’s probably a hooker. And, judging from that amount of money, a really talented one.

Ms. Del Campo does not seem to be the girl in the video, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t there – and TMZ is holding the party line and maintaining video girl is not a hooker. So we can only place one prostitute. But if some girls are getting paid, why not all of them?

We’ll report more as this develops, but leave you with this delightful tweet to Gaby that sums up everything perfectly:

11/8/13 Update: Gawker is now reporting that video girl is, in fact, a hooker who most likely got the Bieber peen.

11/9/13 Update: Ms. Del Campo’s Twitter account has been mysteriously suspended.

Gaze Into Miley Cyrus’ Porn Pumpkins and Question Everything

This gives new meaning to pumpkin seed.

This gives new meaning to pumpkin seed.

Here are the uber edgy and adult pumpkins Miley Cyrus posted to her Twitter account early this morning because she is no longer Hannah Montana and she wants any passing transients to be able to jerk off by candlelight.

Aside from the two coitus pumpkins, there’s a very original pot leaf one with “4:20″ emblazoned on it and a blackboard shaped like a pumpkin that says “Happy Fucking Halloween” in nice, loopy Miley handwriting (which, ironically, bears a resemblance to Walt Disney’s).

It’s highly unlikely Miley carved these sex-o-lanterns. They were probably done by a midget in a bear suit or whoever the hell she hangs out with these days. But she definitely captured the spirit of the season, which is pretty much all about cunnilingus. Nailed it.

Good job, Miles. #2spooky.

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There’s a Porn Parody of ‘Girls’ Because of Course There Is

Hustler heard the public’s demand and did a hardcore porn parody of HBO’s “Girls,” the show that chronicles a bunch of narcissistic twenty-somethings meandering around New York and having sex. It was really the next logical move.

In the trailer, Porn Hannah navigates her relationships, experiments with lesbianism and gets into S&M. She’s accompanied by Jessa, Marnie, Shohanna and Adam, and they’re all trying to figure out the meaning of life sex stuff.

The casting here is actually pretty good. Porno Hannah doesn’t look much like Lena Dunham, but Porno Marnie totally does the upset/confused face that real Marnie does all the time. Also, Jessa looks like a Real Housewife and the guy playing Adam seems like his apartment floor would be littered with pizza boxes and empty syringes.

Lena Dunham came out against this venture on Twitter earlier this year, prompting the cast to strike back, with the director releasing this statement:

“The men and women who work in adult entertainment have been vilified and victimized so much, especially by right wing conservatives, that most of us find ourselves on the political left, with pro-feminist leanings. To say that all pornography is anti-feminist is a tired cliché which undermines the right of free sexual choices that a liberated women can make for herself.”

Meanwhile, porno Hannah (Alex Chance) agrees, saying: “I hope that when women watch porn and watch me they think, Oh, she’s not necessarily this stick-thin girl and she can still do this awesome act or whatever. Because not every girl is skinny and I think that’s what Lena Dunham is trying to promote.”

But politics and social zeitgeists aside, if you’ve ever wanted to see an episode of “Girls” that was poorly written but featured super hardcore sex, this is probably for you.

Farrah Abraham’s Million-Dollar Porno Was Actually Only Worth 10K

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After Farrah Abraham — mother and feminist extraordinaire — made a big deal about pretending her porno was a “private tape” that she was hesitant to sell to distributors after a “leak,” her publicity machine began spreading rumors that Vivid paid her $1 million for the footage. But it turns out her vagina and/or anus are not that valuable — because the real amount she netted was a measly $10,000.

FOX News (a network that knows a little something about assholes) broke the story, speaking with an insider who burst Farrah’s delusional bubble:

“In reality she (Farrah) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity.  It’s all hype.”

So she wasn’t even making Belladonna numbers, let alone Jenna Jameson numbers. (You should probably consider that before shelling out $40 for a rubber replica of Farrah’s vag or her bullshit raspberry weight loss pills.)

The story goes on to report that Tami Erin (aka Pippi Longcocking) received the same offer. The only difference is nobody’s tired of her yet.

You’re okay for now, Tami. But Farrah? You’re on notice.

Myla Sinanaj Wants to Wear Kim Kardashian’s Skin as a Suit

Twitter

Twitter

Myla Sinanaj is the ex-girlfriend of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband Kris Humphries. Myla already bore a passing resemblance to Kim, but now she wants plastic surgery to look even more like her. She also made a really boring porno just for shits and giggles (and exposure that never came).

So Michael Musto sat down with her for Gawker and, in between contemplating slipping ricin into his own drink, delved into her psyche.

What do you hope to accomplish with all this?
I’m trying a little bit of everything—music, film, TV. Why not try everything until you hit one? I want to host a TV show. I liked the old shows that used to be on MTV, like TRL—or Inside Edition or E! News.

So, essentially, she’s just scattershotting the media until someone thinks she’s good at something. So far this has included a horrifying music video for a song called “I’m No Angel,” with lyrics like “Can you handle that I’m curvy?” and “Have no reality show, but I am able.” Television executives take note.

Since you do virtually all things Kim-related, will you also marry Kanye West and have a biracial baby?
I doubt it. He has too many anger issues for me. He recorded his album out of my hotel. I met him when he was coming to meet Kim in the hotel. He brushes everybody off and thinks he’s better than everybody. He was not, “Hi, how are you? How can I help you?” He was standoffish.

At this point Musto is openly mocking her and she either A) doesn’t realize it, or B) is playing some sort of character. You decide.

Regardless, she says she probably won’t have a baby with Kanye West because he’s rude (no shit, lady) and completely ignores the fact that he would have to agree to have sex with her first. To Myla Sinanaj, there’s no question.

At least he didn’t hit on you. You’ve said that Khloe Kardashian’s husband, Lamar Odom, did so twice. Why did you come forward with that?
It was an accident. I was asked, “What do you think of the cheating thing?” I said, “I’m not surprised because he hit on me.” Obviously I didn’t think anything of it because I never called him back. He’s not my type. Not physically. When you know, you know.

She came forward with that so people like Michael Musto would ask her about it. Hook, line and sinker. Musto then reminds her that Lamar is married and Myla classily responds, “Yeah, that too. If I did anything, it’d just be a one-night stand. It would be a waste of time.”

It’s always good to keep a one night affair on the table. Just in case.

What’s your sex appeal?
My personality. I’m really fun. When you’re fun, it makes you more attractive. I’m laid back. I’m super chill.

Here Myla morphs into every single profile we’ve ever read on OkCupid — announcing to the world that she’s fun, laid back AND chill. Who wouldn’t want to hang with a person like that? Notice she didn’t say she was pretty or good at anything. Literally, her number one talent is chilling ability. (Fellas?)

Musto then begins to talk about Kim, asking why she’s with Kanye. Myla says it’s for media attention (shocking) and claims any eventual marriage won’t last (go figure). After a brief discussion of Kim’s alleged plastic surgery and some banter about sucking fat off of body parts and injecting it into others, they get to Myla’s porn debut:

Were you at all embarrassed to do a sex tape?
It took me two months to finally say “OK” and do it. I realized that for the people who did sex tapes—Pamela, Paris, Kim—it worked out in their favor. For the record, whenever you hear about a sex tape being leaked, a major company can’t leak anything without your signed consent. It’s a setup.

It’s worth noting that Pamela Anderson’s tape was literally stolen from her home and hosted on the internet without her permission. The same thing happened to Hilton, who was awarded $400,000 in damages that she didn’t need because of it. Anyway.

Just as I suspected. But were you surprised that you could do all that for a camera?
I definitely was. I hadn’t even hooked up with somebody months prior to that. I was drinking wine that day, but it ended up OK. I’ve watched it many times. I’m used to it by now. It’s not that big of a deal. People make such a big deal out of it, as if they don’t have sex every night.

Well, we definitely don’t have calculated sex on camera to broker a deal with smut peddlers. But we get what you mean, Myla. NBD.

Pippi Longstocking Has Grown Up, Will Let You Watch Her Sex Tape Now

Twitter

Twitter

Tami Erin beat out thousands of girls to play Pippi Longstocking in 1998′s big Hollywood reboot, “The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking.” Since then she’s kept a fairly low profile and kinda sorta pursued a modeling career. Until last week, when she claimed an ex-boyfriend was shopping around a sex tape and she went on a media blitz to explain she would never ever ever let it see the light of day.

But — surprise — she’s had a change of heart, and TMZ reports she’s going to sell the tape to the highest bidding smut peddler to get the one-up on her ex. “My ex boyfriend is trying to release it with or without me. I’m beating him to the punch,” she said.

So why do we care? For starters, part of Pippi Longstocking’s story is that she’s the strongest girl in the world. If you shrug this off, she may break your thumbs. Second, if anything can resolve the mounting tension over Syrian intervention, it’s this. There’s no other hope. And third, anything’s better than “Backdoor Teen Mom.”

So if you’re into porn where women lift horses over their heads and stack pancakes up to the ceiling, your day (not to be confused with your scrubbing day) has come.