Nic Cage Sex Photos Are A Thing

Photo Credit: The imitable @classforwine

Photo Credit: The imitable @classforwine

Somewhere out there, at this very minute, photos of Nicolas Cage (whom you’ll recognize from classics such as “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”) having sex are circulating in the ether.

The photos in question were stolen from the house of Nicky’s ex and baby mama, Christina Fulton, who decided to keep them around for some reason. Kinda like analog snapchats with no expiration date.

According to TMZ , the culprit is Ricardo Orozco – a handyman who had access to Fulton’s house and used it to boost not only a box of the dirty pics but also four, count ‘em,  four computers. Ricardo was nabbed last month, charged with felony burglary and is being held on $1 million bail.

But the photos have not been recovered and cops are still on the hunt. For naked photos of Nic Cage. There aren’t enough donuts in the world to make that job worth it.

Anyone who comes across these photos should probably burn them before they’re unleashed into the world and Nic is cast as himself in a Lifetime version of this story.

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Charlie Sheen’s Twins Are Back With Their Mom and He’s Totally Losing His Shit Over It

Stand back. He could blow at any minute.

Stand back. He could blow at any minute.

The sad, sad saga of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller‘s twin sons Bob and Max has a whole new chapter — and it’s already making Charlie come unglued.

Once Denise Richards was forced to wash her lovely hands of the situation (because the kids have all the hallmarks of miniature serial killers in the making), it left the boys sorta homeless because Child Services had already deemed both their parents unfit for custody. That’s when Brooke’s brother Scott stepped in and volunteered to take them.

Trouble is, Scott lives quite a ways away from where Bob and Max have been living, so in order to keep them from having to switch schools, a judge okay’d Scott (and the kids) moving in to Brooke’s house. Which is, you know, weird since Brooke isn’t allowed to have them in her care — yet what just happened is she got her kids back. With a full-time manny, even.

Suffice it to say that shoved Charlie right off the edge on which he already spends most of his days precariously teetering — so of course he immediately took to Twitter and promptly violated a gag order barring him from talking about the custody case publicly.

so lemme see if I got this straight.
my twin boys are now in harms way and in grave danger.
being “raised” by a gaggle
of incompetent and lascivious
marionettes all ruled and fooled by an adderol snorting
husk called Brooke.

and guess what CPS and
“I’m Italian” judge anus-brain,
you may have gagged me temporarily, but mark my unspoken words,
anything happens to my boys,
and you will know get to know me,
know who I truly am,
a loving father.
tag – I’m it.
c

And then:

and if this means being jailed
for loving and trying to protect my children,
then go for it.
I have as many friends on
the inside as i do out here.
my passion WILL NOT be silenced.
you are all now standing in my way.
I’d recommend a shift in
your geography.
c

The kicker to all this is Brooke’s house and Charlie’s house are both in the same gated community — he bought her the nearby pad (during happier, less gag-ordery times) so he’d be able to see their boys on the regular. Which means this new custody arrangement will quite literally be going on right under his nose.

That’ll end well.

(Oh, and fair warning: I call dibs on “Judge Anus-Brain” next Halloween.)

Chris Brown and His Stupid Ass Got Arrested Again

Maybe he's praying for common sense

Maybe he’s praying for common sense

Because Chris Brown is smart and misunderstood and gentle like a puppy, he’s been arrested a slew of times — most recently on Sunday morning for felony assault.

Seems Chris was hosting a party at the Park and 14th nightclub in DC on Saturday night before proving that old adage saying “nothing good ever happens after midnight.” And that other old adage saying “Chris Brown is a rage monster who’s an easy target for anyone looking for their 15 minutes so maybe his dumb ass shouldn’t be out at 4am.”

TMZ sez:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … at around 4:30 AM Brown got into an argument with a man outside the W Hotel on K Street and allegedly punched him once in the face. We’re told the alleged victim never threw a punch.

The alleged victim tells TMZ … he and a friend were hanging out at the W when they saw 2 women about to take a picture with Brown. The victim — who says he’s not a Chris Brown fan — says he and his buddy photo bombed the 2 women and Chris went nuts, punching him in the face and BREAKING HIS NOSE. He went to the hospital and says he may need surgery as early as tomorrow.

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.” After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Of course Breezy’s posse tells a different story:

Sources connected with Chris tell TMZ … the alleged victim is full of BS. He was NOT trying to take a pic with Chris … he was trying to get on Chris’ tour bus, and Brown was simply trying to stop a trespass. The sources say before the incident the 2 girls tried to get on the bus but they were stopped, and that’s when the victim and his friend made their move.

Brown and his bodyguard were both arrested, and when you get your ass thrown in a DC clink on a weekend, you stay there until a magistrate can see you on Monday. So that’s where he still is — and since he’s already on probation in California for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face a few years ago, he could wind up in a metric shit-ton of trouble.

The “victim,” meanwhile, has already lawyered up and is probably just deciding how many zeros his check should have.

UPDATE: The felony charge was reduced to a misdemeanor and Chris was released without bail. And back in L.A., the suits are deciding whether he violated his probation. If so, he could face four years in jail. (HAHAHAHAHA JK. Rich people don’t do time.)

[Photo via Twitter]

Evil Paparazzi Caused Dina Lohan to Drive Drunk

Instagram/Vodka

Instagram/Vodka

Dina Lohan appeared in court today for her drunk driving arrest last month with an alleged BAC of .2 and, as per usual, was all ready to pin this thing on the real villain: paparazzi.

Mark Heller, her self-parodying lawyer, gave a statement after the hearing, saying:

“It is the professional opinion of the evaluator that the circumstances leading to Dina’s arrest were largely caused by ongoing daily stresses caused by you folks the paparazzi, media attention and distorted tabloid character profiles.”

“After meeting Dina and her family and witnessing the care, compassion and concern shared by family members,  it is my hope that the courts will take the challenges of Dina’s lifestyle under consideration in prosecuting this case.”

It sounds like Heller may enjoy the gin made in Lindsay Lohan‘s childhood bathtub just as much as Dina does.

The paparazzi excuse is cute, but completely fails to explain Dina’s drunken stupors the other 364 days of the year. Not to mention that judges don’t typically let people go just because they have a family who cares about them (which, in Dina’s case, is dubious).

It’s not clear whether Dina seriously thinks this approach will work, but she probably does. She’s 51 and still believes the Whiskey Fairy raids her liquor cabinets.

(Hint: It’s Ali.)

Hypothesis Confirmed: Amanda Bynes Is Cray

manderz

One Flew Over the Drake’s Nest

Earlier this week, Amanda Bynes‘ lawyer announced that she was mentally incompetent to stand trial for her DUI in Hollywood last year and bounced her to mental health court to make a judgment on her precise level of battiness.

Her mom also withdrew her bid for permanent conservatorship because “Amanda is currently on an LPS hold,” meaning “doctors have a tighter rein on Amanda than her mother would have with a conservatorship,” so it simply isn’t needed.

Now, Gerald Shargel, her attorney in a different trial (the New York bong-tossing one) said she could be MIA for up to 18 months as she gets some much needed psychological treatment in California.

Shargel told Judge Diana Boyar that Manders would be in treatment for “a year to 18 months.” That’s a pretty serious stint.

“She’s in a hospital in California. It’s uncertain when she will be released. Obviously she is being treated there,” Shargel said, adding, “We are in touch with the district attorney’s office and we hope to resolve this by Dec 5th.”

Since Amanda wasn’t present, the judge could’ve issued a bench warrant for her arrest, but wisely declined to do so. Maybe because storming a mental health clinic to drag her — kicking and twerking — out into a media circus would be a bad idea. (Plus it would be rude to do that without also giving her access to her wig closet.)

The National Enquirer Has Pictures of Zac Efron High on Hillbilly Heroin

Facebook

Facebook

More details have been emerging about Zac Efron‘s drug habits, and the National Enquirer has now purchased photos allegedly showing Zac passed out after overdosing on oxy. Because they’re super classy like that.

The incident happened in January of this year, when he opened up his Manhattan hotel room for a massive party. Before going to the room, sources say Zac asked guests to purchase 40 oxycodone pills off the street for $1200 — instead of spending it on, say, a metric ton of fun board games. (Scattergories, anyone?) Adderall and weed were also supposedly consumed.

Reports suggested Efron snorted multiple pills combined with booze before having sex with an anonymous brunette. Then he collapsed and had to be resuscitated by a guest.

The source — who apparently doesn’t know Zac’s been in rehab since then — said the actor needs to clean up his act. (Sadly, though, said source missed an opportunity to tell him to get his head in the game.)

Crazy Amanda Bynes Is Still Crazy. Also, Mentally Unfit to Stand Trial.

Twitter

Twitter

Amanda Bynes was due in court today to deal with the fallout from her DUI arrest last year — except she wasn’t there, because her attorney told the judge Bynes wouldn’t have any clue what was going on (and would, you know, probably try to pee on something).

TMZ reports that Amanda’s lawyer, Richard Hutton, said Manders just doesn’t have the mental capacity to withstand the trial. The judge agreed — meaning he’s looking out for her vagina – and punted the issue to Mental Health Court, where another judge will try and suss out just how competent she really is.

Amanda’s reign of vehicular (and Twitter) terror recently came to an end when she was deemed “gravely disabled,” placed under her parents’ conservatorship, and given a cocktail of drugs that apparently haven’t been very successful.

Meanwhile, everyone pretends Miley Cyrus is sane. WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN.

Chris Brown Wants You to Hate Jay-Z, Too

Twitter

Twitter

Professional victim Chris Brown recently told Jet (via CNN) it’s totes unfair to judge him for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face if you don’t also hold Jay-Z accountable for his own criminal history:

“This is something I’ve been dealing with for the past maybe five years. Anybody with a voice – Tupac, Michael Jackson, the Notorious B.I.G. – gets formatted…except maybe for Jay Z, who is accepted by White America because he shakes hands and kisses babies. No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs. He gets a pass.”

Dude. You don’t get to call a hip-hop legend a sellout and excuse it away by adding “no disrespect, because I’m a fan.” That’s like the shit Southern women pull when they say “bless her heart,” as though that neutralizes the insult. She’s a diseased whore. Bless her heart.

Maybe people have forgotten about Jay’s 1999 transgression because he didn’t spend the years afterward throwing chairs through windows or going on self-righteous Twitter rants or otherwise proving what a douchebag and ragemonster he is. You know. Maybe.

Or maybe we’re all just racist dicks.

“I identify with Trayvon [Martin] 100 percent as far as living in 2013 and still dealing with blatant racism. This generation is so used to racism that it’s normal; we don’t care. We aren’t on drugs or catching AIDS, but they still look at us as ni**as.”

I like to imagine Chris actually said “ninjas” there. But if not, no big — because when we weren’t looking, he went all Patti LaBelle on us and got himself a new attitude.

“I got to the point where it’s only so much you can take from the master, you feel me? I’ve taken my fair share of lashings. I’ve dealt with the media. Instead of being an artist, I’ve been called a woman beater; I’ve been insulted in public and judged. And being able to not want to kill yourself at the end of the day is what made me say, ‘Fuck it.’”

Cool story, bro.
 

Dina Lohan Got Drunk and Drove Around, As Usual. But This Time, the Cops Got Her.

Johnny Law

Johnny Law

Dina Lohan, walking performance art and mother of Lindsay Lohan, was nabbed for driving drunk in Long Island last night after going 20 miles per hour above the posted speed limit. Her blood alcohol level was 0.20 percent — which actually sounds like she’d been restraining herself.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Dina Lohan arrest if she didn’t kick it up a notch, which she did by feigning an injury. After police called an ambulance and checked her out, they quickly discovered she was full of shit and, according to the police report, “she recanted her claim.”

After posing for the above mugshot — which says “Please just take me home, I just want to watch ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’ and drink a juice box” — she was released to a friend and presumably went somewhere to sleep it off. She’s due in court later this month, when we predict she’ll scream “Sic semper tyrannis!” and leap from her chair, throwing an empty box of Franzia at the judge.

None of this should be shocking. While the human body is made up of roughly 75 percent water, Dina Lohan’s is made up of roughly 60 percent vodka strained through an old sock. Or maybe Dina Lohan is the old sock. An old sock that can drive.

This metaphor has fallen apart, but it sure is a great image.

dina-lohan

Yeah, Lamar Odom Drinks. Wouldn’t You?

Twitter

Twitter

Pretend for a minute you’re Lamar Odom. You’ve been playing pro basketball for more than a decade, and that used to be what you were best known for. Until 2009, that is, when you married into America’s First Family of Famewhoredom. (Okay, you married the sanest sister of the bunch, but that’s like saying you drank the weakest hemlock.)

Since then, you’ve been part of three reality shows. In fact, what most people know about you these days is that you’re Mr. Khloe Kardashian. And when men complain about their mothers-in-law, you want to punch them dead in the face and yell SHUT UP, AT LEAST YOURS ISN’T A PIMP.

You’re 33. This is your life. And so … you drink. Or worse. We don’t blame you for that, sir. Just flipping past “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” when we’re channel-surfing makes us stabby.

But dude. You can’t imbibe and drive. That’s uncool. From TMZ:

Lamar Odom was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” early Friday morning … He was pulled over on the 101 Freeway for going too slow — 50 MPH. Cops say Odom had been driving in a “serpentine manner.”

Lamar initially did not respond to cops, and drove 3 exits before finally coming to a stop. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ he showed obvious signs of intoxication. [He] failed numerous field sobriety tests [and] when he was booked, we’re told he refused all chemical tests.

Lamar has been tooling around town lately … this after TMZ broke the story he had been on a crack binge.

Crack? That’s way below your pay grade. You’re not Bobby and Khloe’s not Whitney. Knock it off. If you need rehab, go. If you need solitude, get it. And if you need to flee this family and pretend the last few years have just been a bad performance art project, we’re behind you.

You’ve always seemed like a good dude. We don’t blame you for being drunk and high. But maybe it’s time you changed your circumstances so you don’t have to be.