This Week in Goop: Make ‘Rad’ Happen in Workwear You’d Never Wear to Work

We skipped last week’s Goop newsletter because it was simply a retrospective celebrating five years of existence. So just assume we’d have titled it “This Week in Goop: Five Years of Pretentious Shit You Can’t Afford” and we’ll move along.

In the current issue, we start with gluten-free pasta and the best sauces for it. “For example,” the newsletter says, “brown rice pasta needs a flavorful but lightweight sauce to accommodate its bold taste but delicate texture.” Of course it does.

Step away from the Ragu

Step away from the Ragu

Brown rice pasta does sound pretty good, but our idea of pasta variety lately has just involved switching brands after that guy from Barilla said all that stupid shit about gays, so there you go. That said, most of the recipes here look fabulous (if unrealistic for those of us without live-in chefs).

Now that you’re good and hungry, let’s move on to rail-thin models who will silently shame you for it. [ more >> ]

This Week in Goop: $800 Bedazzled Sweatshirts + Podcast Suggestions from on High

It seems that Gwyneth Paltrow had a busy schedule this week, because she pretty much gave up on the Goop newsletter (probably to go boating with the Kennedys or something). So instead of a plethora of items in a handy grid that you can print off and use as a dart board, she put a few outfits together.

This week’s highlighted item is this glorious dark green sweatshirt — complete with glued-on gemstones of some sort (Gwynnie calls them “Swarovski embellishment”) — for a mere $845. She says this one is a “statement sweatshirt,” the statement apparently being “I am emotionally and financially unstable.”

If you vomit on this sweatshirt, no one will know.

If you vomit on this sweatshirt, no one will know.

Moving on, we’re treated to some of fall’s hottest trends, including (but not limited to):

"I'm always on duty!"

“I’m always on duty!”

This Inspector Gadget ensemble has a $3,355 Stella McCartney coat that will make you look like a very sophisticated flasher. There’s also a $270 pair of highwater jeans from Acne. Because when life gives you acne, make expensive jeans.

There was also this:

WARP SPEED

WARP SPEED

Do you have to play an alien in a low-budget film from the 1950s? Do you want to cosplay as an extra from “The Jetsons”? Gwyneth Paltrow has your ass covered in this $2,195 Victoria Beckham dress.

Next, we have this assortment of fancy shoes in the following order: Pee wee Herman shoes, Fran Drescher shoes and some sort of gaudy cross between the two.

Screen Shot 2013-09-19 at 6.59.19 PM

After this we move onto an article by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, who instead of writing for medical journals is now doing pieces for Gwyneth Paltrow’s trust fund baby newsletter. In it, he speaks about how online relationships are unhealthy and how we must seek to cultivate “real” relationships instead. So we decided not to Facebook-share his work out of spite.

And, finally, Gwyneth ends the newsletter by being super lazy and just listing a bunch of podcasts she listens to. One of them, “The Dinner Party,” is designed to let you brush up on conversational topics for all the dinner parties you’ll attend this week. But because some of us just cram Ramen noodles into our mouths over the sink while watching “Catfish” on MTV, this is completely useless.

There are a few good ones, like The New Yorker’s “Out Loud,” but most of them are generic bullshit like TED talks or “Meet the Press” or “This American Life” (which is great, but we all know about it). No “Welcome to Nightvale.”  No “Ask Me Another.” Overall, very disappointing.

But when you’re looking fabulous in a $2,000 space suit that you’ll wear one time during New York fashion week and then give to a hobo to use as drapes on a cardboard box, who needs entertainment?

As always, Gwynnie, we’re not worthy.

Gwyneth-Paltrow-Cucumber

This Week in Goop: Gwyneth Makes Out With Stella McCartney + Shills $700 Jeans

Be rich and famous enough and you too might someday smooch a Beatle's daughter

Be rich and famous enough and you too might someday smooch a Beatle’s daughter

“To celebrate our first capsule collection with Stella McCartney,” said Gwyneth Paltrow in this week’s Goop newsletter, “we threw an English Garden Party in the Hamptons.”

I looked and looked and … nope. I can’t find a single word in that sentence that doesn’t have a trust fund and a coke habit. And it’s a good thing, too, because they’ll need all that scratch to afford the McCartney/Paltrow collaboration.

Here are the six items — a blazer, a pair of “trousers,” a jumpsuit, black and navy jeans, and two handbags. (There are no shirts, but don’t sweat it — you can always pick up an $88 tee.)

Aw. Two things are already sold out. :(

Aw. Two things are already sold out. :(

The handbags have already been snapped up, but you can still get a pair of those jeans. Except they aren’t really jeans — they’re midnight-blue velvet pants styled to look like jeans. (All that ingenuity must explain the $695 price tag.)

But if you want in Stella and Gwyneth’s pants, your bank account better be bigger than your ass — because nothing in the entire collection is larger than a size 10. Put down the credit cards and back away, fatties!

But back to that Hamptons garden party. Famous faces in attendance included Sarah Jessica Parker, Cameron Diaz, Naomi Watts, Stella’s dad Paul McCartney, Gwynnie’s husband Chris Martin, and her mom Blythe Danner. They (and their kids) played “lawn games” and ate “British snacks,” and then after dark, probably enjoyed a roaring bonfire fueled by back issues of Vanity Fair.

And during the party, longtime BFFs Gwyn and Stella posed for some photos together the way all besties do — in a liplock.

gwynethkiss

Is “British snacks” slang for “pot brownies” now? Because this looks like something I once saw at a frat party. If memory serves right, these ladies are moments away from dousing each other in beer and dancing topless to “Cherry Pie.”

Anyway, here’s more video from the soiree. As always, Gwynnie … we’re not worthy.

This Week in Goop: $8 Paper Clips + ‘Easy’ Lunches With Dozens of Ingredients You Don’t Have

Gwyneth Paltrow calls this week’s missive from Goop the “back to work/school/life mag,” which includes “easy, healthy and super tasty one bowl lunches” plus “other bits” (like pretty office supplies you’ll want to put on a shelf and treat as art because that’s what disposable income is for).

Let’s start with those “easy” lunches. For most people, that usually means last night’s leftovers or maybe a Lean Cuisine, but for Gwynnie — who lives in a working five-star restaurant — “easy” means an Asian Chicken Salad Bowl with 20 ingredients. TWENTY. Eight for the salad, seven for the dressing, and five for the chicken. (Oh you thought chicken was just chicken? Rube.)

Goop

Goop

There’s also a Tuna Tomato Bowl described as the “perfect cross between a puttanesca and a nicoise,” words so relatively obscure that my spell-check tried to turn them into “putrescent” and “noise.”

(For what it’s worth, Merriam-Webster says “puttanesca” is an Italian word “short for alla puttanesca, literally, in the style of a prostitute,” and FoodGeeks defines “nicoise” as “cuisine originating from the south of France.” So Gwyneth Paltrow basically found a classy way to call her newsletter subscribers French whores.)

Next, a whole array of lovely “back to office supplies” is laid out before us. And they are lovely — beautiful and chic in their simplicity. But really, $39 scissors and $8 paper clips should be beautiful. (And if your paper clips get lonely, you can always get them some $8 string to play with.)

Terrain

Terrain

That’s assuming, of course, you can even find all this stuff, because the links in the Goop newsletter go only to the front pages of the various retailers’ websites — not the product pages themselves. Those you have to find on your own. (Maybe it’s one of those things where exerting the effort to locate the item proves you actually deserve to have it.)

As always, Gwyneth … we’re not worthy.

paltrow-ohwell