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Here’s the New Miley Cyrus Video for ‘Adore You’ That No One Asked For

It may be the day after Christmas, but Miley Cyrus just keeps on giving. A new video for “Adore You” has dropped, featuring the singer she-bopping herself beneath satin sheets and droning on about how much she loves an unnamed muse, which we’re safe to assume rhymes with Smiley Papyrus.

Lacking the understated sultriness of a Madonna or the poppy, fun upbeats of Cyndi Lauper, Miles spend the majority of the video writhing around in a bed with a video camera. It’s pretty much the same thing we’d imagine she does after drinking one too many juice boxes before being sent to bed.

Later on, she’s bathing in some sort of lace getup that would really not be conducive to loofah scrubbing at all. It really makes you wonder about Miley’s personal hygiene and, furthermore, Billy Ray’s — because how else does this sort of thing get passed on?

Despite being her most desperate attempt at boner-baiting, this is one of the least sensual things we’ve ever seen. She fondles herself like blind people grope faces in movies to picture how someone looks.

Ultimately, this is a boring video for a boring song. It’s so uneventful we couldn’t even write a timeline. But if you skip around and look at individual frames, you can interpret Miley’s expressions of bliss as pain and pretend to be shooting her with a taser. And that stretches the video’s novelty for at least another five minutes.

Justin Bieber Spent Christmas Punking the Internet

Ho-Ho-Hoax

Ho-Ho-Hoax

Justin Bieber, who’s not a girl but not yet a woman, made his legions of pre-pubescent fans scream in horror last week when he told a radio host he’d be retiring soon. His camp later laughed nervously and was all “that Justin, WHAT A SCAMP.”

But since he’s spent the past couple years touring the world, being pelted with training bras and creating an ecosystem for tabloid writers, his manager Scooter Braun did say he’d encouraged his sentient little gold mine to take 2014 off.

Then came Christmas Eve, when the Biebs had an announcement for his nearly 50 million Twitter followers:

Right afterward, he launched into full-on promo mode for his new movie, “Justin Bieber’s Believe,” which opened on Christmas Day and OH I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE. Creating a false sense of scarcity is the oldest marketing trick in the book! Nicely played, but everyone knows an attentionwhore like Justin Bieber isn’t going anywhere.

Kind of unfair for the non-Beliebers among us, though. For one shining moment, we actually believed in the miracle of Christmas.

A Very Farrah Christmas

Farrah Abraham, mother and anal porn star extraordinaire, is nothing if not perceptive. So when she tunes to Radio Disney on her XM radio and hears Justin Bieber covering Burl Ives, she knows it’s time for the holidays. She may not know exactly when those holidays fall, how to celebrate any of them or what day it is — but she knows it’s time.

Case in point is this Keek video she posted yesterday, where she proclaims “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” like a valley girl with a mouth full of marbles.  (At this very moment, Andy Williams‘ corpse is trekking across the country to exact vengeance.)

She then begins spewing a string of completely random words like a Speak & Spell that’s been thrown against a wall. First, she declares it to be “Ugly Sweater Sunday.” Not ugly Christmas sweater. Just ugly generic sweater. Farrah chose an aqua one, and it actually isn’t that ugly. It’s pretty standard sweater fare.

Next she giddily exclaims “Twelve day countdown!” and “So close to Christmas!” At the time of the video, of course, there were three days until Christmas, not twelve. Then she reverts back to the sweater thing – telling her fans to show her their ugly sweaters before signing off.

Technically, 12 days from the video’s posting would be January third. Could this be a sign? Could she be tipping us off to the date she will bring about the apocalypse by reflecting a mirror against her teeth and laying waste to everyone not wearing a sweater? We don’t know, aren’t eager to find out, either.

You Will Now Watch Tila Tequila Have (Bigoted) Sex

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

When erstwhile reality star Tila Tequila began ranting about how she believes Hitler did nothing wrong, it wasn’t difficult to read between the lines and figure out something else was coming. If that was your inclination, you were right, because Operation Shock and Disgust has ultimately lead up to the release of a brand new Tila sex tape (that you will grudgingly watch but not admit to).

TMZ reports Tila’s taking a page from the Farrah Abraham book of tricks and releasing a “very hardcore” sex tape. Unlike her previous tape, featuring a gaggle of vapid women, this one features a dude.

Meanwhile, she’s doubled down on Facebook posts about how the Jews, the New World Order and the Illuminati are out to attack her massive, uninformed  breasts. Here is one such post:

I TOLD YOU… THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE I AM SHE. TILISIS AND THESE ARE GOD’S WARNINGS & MESSAGES TO THE PEOPLE. I SPEAK THE TRUTH & THEY WANT TO SLANDER GOD’S TRUTH? THAT IS OK BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY ARE SPREADING GOD’S MESSAGE ALBEIT UNWITTINGLY!! GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS!!!! – Tilisis

And honestly, who doesn’t want to see god’s messenger get nailed in an abandoned house in the San Fernando Valley?

Tune in next week when we run a DNA test on the dude she bones in the sex tape and discover he’s a secret Jewish ninja trying to stop her from giving up the secrets of International Banking. With his penis.

Miley Cyrus Sticks Her Tongue Out All the Time Because She’s Shy. Okay.

Stop looking. You're embarrassing her.

Stop looking. You’re embarrassing her.

Miley Cyrus, inexplicably chosen by Barbara Walters as one of 2013′s “Most Fascinating People” even though attentionwhores are pathetic and not fascinating at all, finally revealed why her tongue has spent much of this year taking suicide leaps out of her mouth.

“I get embarrassed to take pictures. That’s actually the truth,” Cyrus told Walters. “I’m so embarrassed, because people are taking pictures of me, and I just don’t know how to– I don’t know how to smile, and just be awkward, so I stick my tongue out, because I don’t know what else to do.”

The struggle, you guys. THE STRUGGLE.

She’s bashful! This explains everything — the gynecological photoshoots, the naked videos, the porny pumpkins. Oh, and especially the way she said “happy holidays” to her Twitter followers:

She only did all that because she was embarrassed. Not because she wants you to look at her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Not that at all. Miley’s too much of a shrinking violet for that.

And now you know just how stupid she thinks you are.

Lindsay Lohan Is Suing the ‘GTA V’ People Now

Instagram

Instagram

In her endless bid to stay relevant and also make money without working, Lindsay Lohan has set her sights on the makers of the insanely popular “Grand Theft Auto V,” claiming they’ve used her likeness.

TMZ reports that Linds is in talks with her legal team to sue Rockstar Games, who she thinks is using a facsimile of her in “GTA V.” But what’s her evidence?

– The video game cover shows a woman holding a cellphone who looks Lindsay-ish.  There’s been debate over whether it looks more like Kate Upton or Shelby Welinder.

– Part of the game features a mission where a Lindsay Lohan look-alike asks the player to take her home and escape the paparazzi.

– Another part of the game shows another Lindsay-like character at a hotel resembling the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood — a place Lindsay not only frequents but once lived at — and the mission is to photograph her having sex on camera.

While we can say for certain that the cartoon woman on the front of the game is definitely not Lindsay-like, the other instances are a little more on point. But they’re also clearly parody, which the Supreme Court has roundly upheld. As an astute scholar, Lindsay should know this.

From the Hustler v. Falwell ruling:

… the First Amendment gives speakers immunity from sanction with respect to their speech concerning public figures unless their speech is both false and made with “actual malice”, i.e., with knowledge of its falsehood or with reckless disregard for the truth of the statement. Although false statements lack inherent value, the “breathing space” that freedom of expression requires in order to flourish must tolerate occasional false statements, lest there be an intolerable chilling effect on speech that does have constitutional value.

Saying Lindsay Lohan has sex in hotel rooms probably doesn’t constitute a false statement. It’s like saying 1% of the population is gluten intolerant or the Earth is round or Senator Ted Cruz is actually a succubi. Whatever.

Hey, Lindsay. We don’t say it very often, but we kinda like you. So maybe concentrate on, you know, acting in motion pictures again. Priorities.

9 Bizarre Things in the Kardashians’ Kreepy Khristmas Kard

2013 kardashian christmas card

Merry, uh, post-apocalypse

Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.

Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.

We took a closer look, and here’s what we found:

1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)

Kim-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Mooooo

2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.

Kendall-Kylie-Jenner-Kardashian-Family-Christmas-Card

Maybe she’ll get a bartender for Christmas

3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!

4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.

5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.

6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.

Khloe-Kris-Kourtney-Bruce-Christmas-Card

In space and the Kardashian holiday card, no one can hear you scream

7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)

8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”

9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.

Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!

Miley Cyrus Is Influential. LOL.

Twitter

Twitter

It’s that time of year again – when TIME Magazine pretends it’s still relevant and not almost bankrupt by touting its “Person of the Year” issue. Each year they open up online voting to the public (because that’s a great idea) and ask the unwashed masses to pick their favorite. Leading the pack thus far? Miley Cyrus. Of course.

Miles has been stacking the odds in her favor by panhandling for votes on Twitter, causing her tweenage followers to vote for her multiple times, rocketing her above names like Edward Snowden and rockstar Texas Senator (and, hopefully, future Governor) Wendy Davis:

Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 12.06.14 PM

Ultimately, only the editors of TIME can decide who to put on the cover, exercising their right to overrule the public and seem important again. So Miley probably won’t win. But if she does, America loses.

Courtney Love’s iPhone: An Extraordinary Journey

up-Courtney_Love_4___Universal

Given that Courtney Love is so rarely lucid, it’s not exactly surprising to hear about her leaving important things all over the place. Case in point: her iPhone, which she left in the back of a New York taxi cab. But what she didn’t expect is for a New York Times reporter to pick it up.

The Times’ Frank Bruni discovered the phone, and after perusing it for probably a whole second, discovered it was Courtney’s — leading to this tweet:

And at first, Court seemed fairly gracious:

After Bruni provided proof positive that he had her phone (she can’t be expected to figure out iCloud, you know), Courtney immediately began worrying about her sexts:

This is when Gawker editor John Cook picked up on the story, and did exactly what you’d expect a Gawker editor to do:

Courtney seemed kind of resolved to this fate. Maybe:

Then she made sure The New York Post didn’t have hard feelings:

Finally the phone was returned, Courtney’s sexts intact, and all was right with the world once more. After the incident, Bruni stated:

“It’s not exactly a column I could write but it is a fun story. Now Courtney and I follow each other on Twitter and I have a direct message from her. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, or at least a signed copy of a Hole album.”

When someone actually tells Courtney this happened, she’s going to laugh and laugh. In the meantime, we look forward to the entire thing playing out with different people next week.