Your Fantasy Boyfriend Jon Hamm Just Called Justin Bieber a ‘Shithead’

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

The truth will set you free. And sell a ton of magazines.

Back in 2012, ‘Mad Men’ star Jon Hamm famously said what everyone else was thinking when he told British Elle:

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

This hurt Kim’s widdle feewings and caused her to take an unprecedented break from her exhausting schedule of posting selfies and breastfeeding E! Online to shoot back (via Twitter, of course) with, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless.”

Then someone shot a laser pointer at the wall and she scampered off.

Hamm, however, is still adorably unafraid of speaking his mind, because our favorite non-sufferer of fools (and underwear) is now back in the news, telling truth about Justin Bieber to the May issue of Men’s Fitness:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’

You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish?’ Life skills are something we’re missing … just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”

He’s totally right, of course. Too bad Bieber’s parents are so worthless — his dad is a violent loser and his mom has always been too busy being a leech to give him any boundaries.

But never mind all that. Can we get Jon to write a YA book? “Life Lessons with Jon Hamm” would be a runaway bestseller.

Let’s Check In On Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley Cyrus is in the middle of her Bangerz tour, where she’s been struggling to do all sorts of crazy shit nightly and maintain her headline quota.

First, she pretended to masturbate on stage, which probably made Madonna spit fetus blood all over in outrage.

Then Miley decided to up the ante by miming fellatio to a guy in a Bill Clinton mask. But this wasn’t very controversial, either. It’s ancient history, and everyone except maybe Glenn Beck is over it. (By the way: Miley was six years old when the Lewinsky scandal hit.)

And because that wasn’t doing the trick, she then did the same thing to Abe Lincoln, who looks mighty stoic for someone being graced by the all-knowing Tongue of Cyrus.

Regardless, she at least looks healthy and is delivering exactly what her fans want. Like this one:

So what’s next, Miley? Maybe you could sit on the face of an Aaron Burr lookalike as he duels Alexander Hamilton. Maybe you could reenact the Salem witch trials and writhe around on a portrait of Cotton Mathers.

Either way, thank you for giving our youth a crash course in American history/assless chaps. You are a patriot.

Justin Bieber Got His Dumb Ass Arrested

By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.

You want details? Worship at the altar of TMZ.

As for us, we’re just stirring up shit by doctoring his mugshot (see above) and poking sticks in the cage of beliebers on Twitter. As we do.

Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

tumblr_inline_mmn5efmNJz1qz4rgp

Paris Hilton, Who Can’t Really DJ, Gets Paid a Lot of Money to DJ

Play that funky music, white girl

Play that funky music, white girl. Or just let someone else do it for you.

Since Paris Hilton can’t really make a living just being Paris Hilton anymore, she got herself a job: She’s been DJ’ing all over the world and getting paid a shitload to do it. She even recently said she’s one of the top five DJs on the planet, causing real DJs like Paul Oakenfold to sputter and make all the lolz.

So you probably won’t clutch your pearls when I tell you that someone on Quora asked “Is Paris Hilton a Good DJ?” and the answer was a resounding “mmmmno.” The photo above was provided as evidence, along with the explanation:

In the middle of Paris Hilton’s subpar deejay debut in Brazil [in 2012], a man suddenly appeared from behind the booth and started twisting the knobs on her Traktor Kontrol, essentially doing her job for her.

Never in my life have I seen a DJ – professional or amateur – let another person touch anything in their personal space while they are at work. It just isn’t done… unless of course, the person in front of the crowd is not really deejaying.

Paris plays pre-programmed mixes, none of which are any good. She doesn’t mix at all while she’s on stage. She dresses like a cocktail party guest instead of like an actual DJ. She spends more time dancing on stage than actually spinning records. Even after dating Afrojack, one of the top DJs in the world, she clearly does not have a grasp of how to play for a crowd.

In fairness, sleeping with someone does not magically infuse you with their powers. (If that were true, I’d play one hell of a guitar solo.) (And maybe some drums too.)

Meanwhile, someone else went all existential:

The question contains an invalid assumption: Paris Hilton is not a DJ. Claiming this is the most offensive thing you can say to any real DJ. She’s a moronic celebrity, aiming to “look cool” behind the decks, nothing else. Therefore she cannot be “good” at something she is not at all in the first place.

Which begs the question: If an heiress falls in the woods and there’s no one around to hear her, does she just hire someone else to make a sound?

Octomom Was Charged With Welfare Fraud. Sounds About Right.

Vivid Entertainment / Your Greatest Nightmares

Vivid Entertainment / Your Greatest Nightmares

America’s sweetheart and 25th favorite strip club act Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, has officially been charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud by the Los Angeles County D.A.’s office. If only you could see how shocked we are.

The charges were filed yesterday, TMZ reported, and included “1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.” According to the county, Suleman failed to report almost $30,000 in income last year. Par for the octo-course, really.

The money allegedly comes from personal appearances (because some people actually paid her for those) and residuals from her solo porn video, which we’d rather watch 10 more times than write another piece on Farrah Abraham.

The D.A. wants bail set at $25,000, or 8,000 gallons of baby formula.

judge judy beauty fades

Oh, Good. Farrah Abraham’s Writing A Parenting Book.

Girls and Corpses

Girls and Corpses

Farrah Abraham is a true renaissance woman. Whether she’s driving little Sophia to dance recitals appearing in strip clubs, drunk driving, releasing a line of sex toys, writing New York Times bestsellers, being annoying on reality television or being annoying in the prone position, she does it all. And now you can, too – because she’s writing a parenting book for you!

That’s right. The back door teen mom has allegedly inked a deal to write a book on her distinctive abandonment parenting techniques that is “grounded in the Christian faith.”

Farrah’s on “Couples Therapy” at the moment, bitching to Doctor Drew about how her fake boyfriend doesn’t appreciate her boobs or whatever, and dropped a bombshell that she plans on writing a trilogy of highly original erotic novels. Like Jenna Jameson. Or Sasha Grey. But after that, she announced her definitive guide to caring for children and doing butt stuff in the eyes of god.

What will she do next? Maybe start a clown college. Maybe best Joey Chestnut in a vaguely sensual hot dog eating contest. Who knows? Not us. All we know is that whatever she does, the big man’s looking out for her:

 

Marc Jacobs’ Longtime Photographer Refused to Work With Miley Cyrus

It's okay, Miley. You can always just roll her into the ocean.

Y SO SERIOUS

Fancypants designer Marc Jacobs recently hired eternally thirsty Miley Cyrus as a model for his upcoming spring ad campaign, which isn’t much of a surprise — she worked with him on the “Protect the Skin You’re In” T-shirt campaign (remember when Miley photos like this were considered shocking?), and she even presented him with an award at a Fashion Group International event last fall.

What makes this story notable is that Jacobs’ longtime photographer, Juergen Teller, didn’t shoot the Cyrus ads — and that Marc himself was startlingly upfront about it, telling Women’s Wear Daily:

“I have worked with Juergen for years and love him as an artist … He just didn’t want to shoot her.”

Now, if you aren’t familiar with Juergen Teller, you should know he’s famous for his avant garde work that makes everyone look androgynous, underfed and overlit. Like this ad I saw in January’s issue of In Style:

People in need of sunlight and sandwiches

People in need of sunlight and sandwiches

I remembered this particular ad when I heard Teller wouldn’t shoot Miley. Because, Jesus, look at it. What does it say when this is okay but photographing her is totally out of the question? Oof.

In the end, David Sims took the shot at the top of this post and the one below, both with Famewhore Von DaddyIssues looking like she’s trying to figure out where to hide the dead body next to her. So.

Look how edgy she is. LOOK.

Look how edgy she is. LOOK.

Jenna Jameson Put Out a Digital Hit on Her Ex-Assistant

ku-xlarge

Reigning-but-retired porn queen Jenna Jameson has done some dirty things in her life. But none of them can match what the denizens of 4chan’s /b/ board, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, have accomplished in their short span on Earth. So when Jenna needed help tracking someone down, that’s exactly where she went:

Hi Guys, it’s me, Jenna Jameson and I am having a really bad night. My ex assistant who goes by the name of redacted turned out to be a con artist. I do not know if redacted is his last name.

I finally found him out and fired him… Since he was previed [sic] to my personal information such as passwords he reset and probably deleted my twitter @jennajameson and has also removed all pictures of me and him from my instagram.

He is completely fucking with my digital life and so I ask if you have any ideas of who he is please let me know. I am in the process of consolidating and resetting all my passwords. I will be attaching images of him shortly.

Chan residents greeted the message with an appropriate level of incredulity, and even though Jenna wrote “Please ‘no tits or GTFO” — a staple of the board — they said it anyway, demanding a naked photo before going onward with the investigation. She complied, snapping photos of her rack (which has held up remarkably well, considering her face is melting Bruce Jenner-style) as well as some of her in lingerie partaking in the “shoe on head” meme.

Within an hour, as per usual, the internet gumshoes took the images Jenna provided and retrieved a social security number, last known address, last place of employment and a credit score for the rogue assistant. (This is called “doxxing,” or gathering documents on a given target, and 4chan is fantastic at it.)

After receiving what she was looking for, she posted one more picture of her ass just to thank her personal not-so-private eyes.

The question remains: What, exactly, does Jenna plan to do once she finds this guy? Will we possibly see a return of the brass knuckle iPhone case? It’s too soon to tell.

click here for the NSFW photos

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Here’s What Kanye Gave Kim for Christmas

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

How do I love thee? Let me ruin the ways.

Calling the Hermes Birkin bag a “purse” is like calling a Ferrari a “car.” It’s so well-known that it doesn’t even need a logo — the silhouette alone is recognized by fashionistas the world over — and thanks to a limited supply, a years-long waiting list and a high price tag (up to $150,000, depending on materials), the storied accessory is beloved by celebrities who don’t want to carry anything a peon like you would carry. For chrissakes, Forbes writes entire articles on how to buy one.

I provide this brief history only so you’ll understand the depth of the atrocity Kanye West committed in his Christmas gift to Kim Kardashian.

In its natural state (as God and Anna Wintour intended), the orange Birkin looks like this:

birkin

 
Tres dull. So of course Kanye commissioned someone to turn it into a fourth grade art project:
 

kim-kanye-birkin

 
And not only did Kim proudly post the “one of a kind” mess to Instagram, she carried it. In public. Where people could see her and everything.

So who’s responsible for committing such heinous handbag heresy? That would be “artist” George Condo, who also did the five covers for Kanye’s 2010 album “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” — including the one infamously banned by both Walmart and iTunes.

To recap: In the past month alone, artists commissioned by Yeezy have ruined the Kardashian Christmas card and debased a Birkin, and he himself had the nerve to get pissy when someone “disrespected his art.” Because he’s totes an arbiter of such things.

kanye