Evan Rachel Wood Regrets That Whole Marilyn Manson Thing

Evan Rachel Wood & Marilyn Manson4

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For four years, Evan Rachel Wood and Lady Gaga Marilyn Manson were everyone’s favorite on again-off again couple. They looked weird, didn’t seem right for each other and fought like mating cats. Now Evan’s beginning to think the whole thing was a bad idea. Hindsight’s 20/20.

She opened up about the pairing in an interview with The Daily Beast, and it seems she’s glad to be rid of the rocker:

People were pretty mean. At the time I hadn’t yet been exposed to that kind of cruelty from strangers…If people were wondering why I was acting so-called crazy or like a teenager, it’s because I was. People go through phases. People make mistakes. People go through life and don’t get it right every time.”

Well, we’re glad she sees the error of her ways. She can definitely do better. Or at the very least, normal-er. Dating Marilyn Manson can be best described as dating a sentient tub of play-doh wearing a bra.

But they’ve both moved on, we think, and a little tainted love is always a good muse.

Here’s Joaquin Phoenix’s 19-year-old Girlfriend

The bowels of the Twitterverse

The bowels of the Twitterverse

Joaquin Phoenix is notoriously a little strange. He’s prone to long stints away from the public eye, juxtaposed with very public and weird stunts. This oddness apparently extends into his personal life, because he’s allegedly dating a teenager.

Allie Teilz is a 19 year old from Arizona who fancies herself a DJ (how cute). The pair supposedly met when she was deejaying at No Vacancy and the two have been officially tempting Chris Hansen since May.

E! posted a photo of Joaquin (who’s 39) and Allie canoodling in Rome over the weekend like a couple of hapless hipsters, along with some tidbits from a profile on her from Bullet magazine, including these amazing factoids:

  • She described herself as a loner “in high school” – oh, so long ago
  • “Teilz also admits to being a huge fan of R. Kelly and said she’d like to be ‘his bitch.” Fantastic.
  • At least once source describes her high school demeanor as “very emo.”

It just goes to show you: when Courtney Stodden/Doug Hutchison close a creepy relationship door, the flying spaghetti monster opens a creepy relationship window.

Courtney Stodden Says She and Her Vag Are Super Happy to Have Their Freedom

Courtney Stodden recently split from her legally-sanctioned pedophile husband Doug Hutchison, and she wants you to know what happened — in her own words.

So she painted on her best Joker brows, sneezed into a jar of body glitter and did an “exclusive” with E!, home of the Kardashians. Because apparently giving a stage to talentless famewhores is all that network does now.

Asked by E’s crack reporting team what went wrong in the marriage, the now 19-year-old Stodden answered, “My age, obviously.” (Congrats on asking a question so stupid that even Courtney Stodden side-eyes you, E.)

She added that her stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” was the first time she’d been separated from Doug for any length of time, and that while she was “missing him,” she wasn’t missing him “intimately.”

“I couldn’t neglect my desires and wanting to embrace my independence and my freedom,” she said. “I [don't want to] neglect my youth.”

There’s more in the interview about her plastic surgery and how much Doug was against it (a rare moment of likability for him), but she insists she’s “happy” to look like if you poked her with a pin she’d go PPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT and fly around the room.

“I think all that matters [is] following your heart, looking the way you want to look,” she said. “As long as you aren’t hurting anybody else, I think you’re fine.”

Meanwhile, in other news, Courtney and Doug gave a bizarre statement to the Daily Mail saying that although they’ve decided to legally separate, they’ll still be living in the same house together — and that Doug “will still play a role in Courtney’s career as co-manager alongside her mother.”

And then, in what sounds like a Netflix summary for her rumored upcoming reality show, the statement reads:

“Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult — with the freedom to explore her independence.”

In other words, “Her ladybits are 19, single, and ready to mingle! FELLAS?”
 

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Split, Prove Love Is Dead

Oh, like you don’t wear stripper heels on the beach

Before she became the human blow-up doll she is today, Courtney Stodden was a 16-year-old child bride whose creepy parents sanctioned her marriage to the even creepier 51-year-old Doug Hutchison. But after three years of standing steadfastly by her side (mainly to keep her from toppling over in her Lucite heels), Doug’s been abandoned like a newborn on prom night.

“Courtney has called it quits on her marriage,” a source told Radar. “She is done with him and he’s totally heartbroken.”

Seems everything went to hell when Courtney’s recent stint on “Celebrity Big Brother UK” showed her she didn’t need a man after all (and also what it felt like to flirt with guys who weren’t old enough to vote during the Carter administration).

“Courtney has changed so much since being in [the 'Big Brother'] house,” another insider told the Daily Mail. “She is more independent and just wants to have fun like any 19-year-old.”

RIP true love.

courtneylolresized

Orlando Bloom + Miranda Kerr Are Dunzo

Instagram

Instagram

Just as Kanye West and Kim Kardashian prepare to sign a prenup so they can keep their respective gold chains and mummy wraps after an inevitable divorce, Orlando Bloom and supermodel Miranda Kerr have agreed to go their separate ways and explore stranger tides.

The couple, who started canoodling in 2007, released a statement through publicists saying:

“They have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation.”

“Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”

Their son Flynn was born in 2011 (and will be mocked his entire life by people who remember “Breaking Bad”).

And so another Hollywood marriage comes to an end. But don’t feel bad for either of them. This Middle Earth is large enough for them to both find love again. Maybe faster than you think.

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If the San Francisco Giants Never Win Again, It’s All Kanye West’s Fault

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Once upon a time, the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth, aka “The Bambino,” to the New York Yankees. What followed was an 86-year period during which the (previously super successful) Sox didn’t win a single World Series title — something that was blamed on the “Curse of the Bambino.”

Earlier this week, Kanye West demurely (it wasn’t demure) proposed to Kim Kardashian in the middle of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. And now pissed-off Giants fans are terrified the act may have cursed the beloved ballpark, leaving the team with the “Curse of the Famewhore-o.” (Shut up. I like symmetry.)

 
You couldn’t sully Dodger Stadium, Kanye? You live in Los Angeles. Keep that shit at home.

Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing Van Halen t-shirts and breaking up the band.
 

Kanye and Kim Are Engaged Now

clydehairgod, Instagram

clydehairgod, Instagram

A few days ago, an entire orchestra of sad trombones blared on the news that Kanye West was never ever going to marry Kim Kardashian. Like, ever.

But the tabloids might want to put a stop payment on those checks they gave their “exclusive inside sources” because hey, guess what? Kanye and Kim are engaged now. For realsies.

In events documented by E! (which should really just change its name to K! already), Kanye supposedly asked Kris Jenner for Kim’s hand in marriage, causing her to produce a machete, hack off her daughter’s hand and have it boxed for Kanye at Tiffany because MAMA NEEDS RATINGS.

So last night — Kim’s 33rd birthday — Kanye sullied my adopted hometown of San Francisco by renting out AT&T Park, flashing “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” on the score board, and dropping to one knee to pop the question with a 15-carat ring as a 50-piece band played.

When she said “yes” (because as a twice-divorced single mother in her 30s with a porno in her past and a dying reality franchise, it’s not like she’s gonna get a better offer), fireworks went off and her friends and family poured out of the dugouts.

hot97, Instagram

hot97, Instagram

Good thing Kanye’s been teaching Kim all about the value of privacy. Imagine what a bombastic shitshow this would’ve been otherwise.
 

Kanye’s Getting Kim’s Milk for Free So He Won’t Marry the Cow. Or, You Know, Something.

Ring? Only if it's a NuvaRing.

Ring? Only if it’s a NuvaRing.

Kanye West may be happy to dress up Kim Kardashian like his own life-sized Money-Can’t-Buy-Taste Barbie, but don’t ask him to put a ring on it. He’s way too evolved for that shit.

At least according to a Radar Online source, who snitched:

“Kanye is telling friends that he’ll never marry Kim. He has no need or desire to make their relationship official in the eyes of the law [and] prefers the idea of them as ‘partners’ … He sees marriage as outdated and he’s all about embracing the modern and the new. He doesn’t feel like he has to marry Kim just because they have a baby together.”

But hey, Kim’s all “evs” about it because she was supposedly so humiliated when her made-for-TV wedding to Kris Humphries fell down and went boom that she’s not anxious to tie the knot again. (That little “humiliation” earning her upwards of $17 million must have eased the pain. I’ve had more embarrassing relationships for free.)

“It took her a while to learn the value of privacy,” the insider said with a remarkably straight face, “but she’s getting there thanks to Kanye’s influence.”

The selfie Kim recently posted of her own ass — and Kanye’s public proclamation that he was rushing home to tap it — notwithstanding, of course.

[Photo via Instagram]

Pam Anderson Is Still Banging Rick Salomon

Pamela Anderson seems like a nice lady who just makes terrible life decisions – particularly when it comes to romance. And her career. But she’s nice enough.

So when she was on “Ellen” yesterday she admitted to the world that she’s still shacking up with ex-husband Rick Salomon (of slimy, “selling-Paris-Hilton’s-sex-tape-without-telling-Paris” fame).

“I’d say we’re best friends… with benefits,” Pam told Ellen DeGeneres, changing her figurative Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”

Pam and Rick married in 2007 and promptly annulled it a few months later because it was a terrible idea. Now they’ve drifted back to teach other because both of their names are sort of marred and icky, and Pam’s happy that way, telling Ellen:

“I don’t think I want to meet anybody else… We’re happy.”

Awww.

Start the office betting pool for how long it will last this time. We’ll take Rick running into Lindsay Lohan in a seedy Los Angeles nightclub for $500, Alex.

The Kardashians Are Shutting Down Just Like Our Government

E!

E!

Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.

TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.

Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.

Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?

Ether way, we don’t really care.