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Jodie Foster Married Her Girlfriend, Who Was Also Once Ellen’s Girlfriend

IMDB / Showtime

IMDB / Showtime

When Jodie Foster won the Cecil B. DeMille award at last year’s Golden Globes (video of that is below), she gave a lovely if rambling acceptance speech that for all practical purposes served as her official coming-out.

Afterwards, most people were all “that’s nice dear, please pass the salt,” while others insisted the rest of us were reading way too much into it and that just because a woman everyone already knew was gay pretty much said so on national television, she didn’t explicitly say it so HEY LIBERALS STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE GAY.

But now Foster’s rep has confirmed that Jodie and her girlfriend of nearly a year, actress and photographer Alexandra Hedison, wifed-up and tied the knot this weekend. THANKS OBAMA.

Hedison’s acting credits include three seasons as Dylan Moreland on the Showtime series “The L Word,” and her personal resume includes a three-year stint as Ellen DeGeneres‘ girlfriend (they split way back in 2004). As for Jodie, she’s been single since 2008, when she and her partner of 20 years, Cydney Bernard — affectionately mentioned in her Globes speech — parted ways after having two kids together.

No word on whether the bride(s) wore white or who was there or even where the nuptials took place. But unless you think she’s been forced into marriage by Beyonce and Jay-Z and the rest of the Illuminati, the whole “is Jodie Foster really gay” question has probably now been settled once and for all.

On another note, I’ve never seen “The L Word” but apparently Alex was super hot on it. As Michael K over at dlisted so eloquently put it, “I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on ‘The L Word.’”

Well played, Jodie. Well played.

Universe Exacts Revenge on Ashton Kutcher By Giving Him a Daughter

Maybe they'll name her Meg

Maybe they’ll name her Meg

Mila Kunis could quite literally have just about any man (or, really, any woman) she wants. Which makes it all the more puzzling that she sifted through the world’s population of roughly 7 billion people and plucked out … Ashton Kutcher.

But because we are not meant to understand all of life’s little mysteries, the former “That ’70s Show” co-stars are now engaged and even expecting a baby together. And while I may think Ashton is a lying, cheating piece, there’s little question that he’s a pretty lying, cheating piece, so the blending of his DNA with Mila’s should, in theory anyway, produce a beautiful child.

And according to Us Weekly, that genetically gifted offspring will be a girl.

Although the daughter-to-be will be the first child for both Kunis, 30, and Kutcher, 36, the ‘Two and Half Men’ hunk “got plenty of practice with Demi’s girls,” one pal notes. Indeed, for six years, Kutcher was famously stepdad to Rumer, 25, Scout, 22, and Tallulah, 20, ex-wife Demi Moore‘s kids with Bruce Willis.

Ecstatic for impending fatherhood, “Ashton is doting on Mila,” another friend notes of the reformed party boy, who’s already lining up playdates with the couple’s old “That ’70s Show” costar Danny Masterson and Fianna, his 2-month-old daughter.

What all this means is in just a few years, Ashton will be threatening the lives of boys just like him — proving karma does exist after all.

Don’t Be Fooled By the Rock That She Got, She’s Still Jenny With a New Kid on the Block

Hope you've had your shots, Donnie

Hope you’ve had your shots, Donnie

Subtitle: Three-Time Razzie Award Winner Who People Used To Want To See Naked Engaged to “Entourage” Creator Mark Wahlberg’s Older Brother Who Used to Be Kind Of Relevant

That’s right, your favorite “danger to public welfare” Jenny McCarthy is back in the news, but this time it’s more awwtism than autism (shut up). Despite her earlier protests that she would never again get married, the former host of “Singled Out” and star of a shoe commercial that depicted her with her underwear around her ankles just accepted a proposal from boyfriend Donnie Wahlberg, who was NKOTB’s bad boy if you believe NKOTB was capable of having such things.

The individual-responsible-for-the-spread-of-preventable-diseases was thrilled to accept a substantial yellow sapphire rock from the individual-responsible-for-the-spread-of-boy-bands-like-One-Direction. Unfortunately, Wahlberg did not simply say “please don’t go, girl,” “you got the right stuff” and I want to be “hangin’ tough” with you forever (which, come on, would’ve been cheestastically awesome) but instead enlisted McCarthy’s son to hold up signs asking her to marry Donnie because that’s not emotionally manipulative at all.

The how-are-these-two-not-irrelevant-by-now couple are planning an August 2015 wedding. We expect Debbie Gibson will officiate and the pair will exchange vows and his-and-hers snap bracelets.

In happier news, Jim Carrey is somewhere breathing a sigh of relief and hoping this means the 2am texts will finally stop.

[photos via Twitter/ABC]

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The Captain & Tennille Are Getting Divorced. Love Is Well and Truly Dead.

And the muskrats wept

And the muskrats wept

All of you under 30, go watch MTV or something for a while (kids still do that, right?). And if you hear your mom crying, it’s okay. She’s just mourning the death of love because Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille — aka the Captain & Tennille, America’s greatest purveyors of 70s pop schmaltz — are getting divorced.

And the story might be even sadder than it already seems.

The couple, who is responsible for such classic hits as “Love Will Keep Up Together” and “Muskrat Love,” is breaking up after 39 years of marriage.

The Prescott, Arizona City Courthouse tells RumorFix that Toni Tennille, whose real name is Cathryn Antoinette Tennille, 73, filed for divorce against Daryl Dragon, 71, on January 16.

Awful, right? Couples that age who’ve been together that long very rarely split. It’s enough to make a LOLCAT cry.

But then TMZ added a new twist — because it spoke to Daryl, who not only said he and Toni are still living together, but added, “I don’t know why she filed. I gotta figure it out for myself first.”

That makes no sense — until you hear the rest of the story (emphasis mine):

According to the divorce docs, obtained by TMZ, there’s special mention about health insurance coverage, and that seems relevant, because in 2009 Toni blogged that Daryl had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. In 2011 Toni updated the message, saying Daryl’s tremors were so bad he was embarrassed to go out in public … to restaurants, the movies, etc.

Here’s what’s unclear — whether it’s possible Toni really filed for health insurance reasons … whether his coverage might be better if they were divorced.

The blog has an update on Jan 16, 2014, saying “The Captain & Tennille appeared to the public as them being the ideal model for a ‘rock-solid’ married pair. But almost all people naturally evolve over time, & sometimes hidden feelings start to be uncovered …”

The Captain & Tennille never achieved the same hipster cred (nor the accompanying tribute albums) contemporaries of theirs like The Carpenters did, but even still, most of the celebrity net worth sites on the web peg Toni’s worth alone at $9 million. Assuming that’s true, it’s hard to imagine she’s undoing a four-decade marriage just to save a little money. (Then again, insurance companies are douchebags, so.)

No idea what’s really going on here, but either way, it’s all terribly depressing.

Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

tumblr_inline_mmn5efmNJz1qz4rgp

Johnny Depp Banged the Lesbian Out of Amber Heard and Now They’re Engaged

xx

Pretty people are pretty

Amber Heard (a pretty actress you may or may not have heard of) starred with Johnny Depp in 2011′s “The Rum Diary” (a pretty movie you may or may not have seen). At the time, Depp had been with his partner and baby-mama Vanessa Paradis for almost 15 years, and Heard had been with her same-sex partner, artist Tasya van Ree, for about four years.

In mid-2012, both couples split — and Depp and Heard have been together ever since. Pure coincidence, of course.

Now sources say they’re engaged. And despite no official word from overpaid PR people, Amber was caught on camera earlier this week trying very hard to hide some bling on her left hand, so it’s probably true.

I’m not bitter. I’M NOT. (I am completely bitter.)

“It happened on Christmas Eve,” a source close to the family told Celebuzz. “Amber really took her time to make up her mind.”

“She turned him down before,” added the source, “before she said yes. So she waited and was thinking about it for a long time.”

Probably because Johnny Depp has a penis and all. But don’t go putting your bourgeois sexual orientation labels on her. When Flare magazine asked Amber last year if she identifies as bisexual, she replied:

“It is so strange to me that everyone cares … Maybe you like blondes now, but maybe you’ll be into a brunette in the future. I just don’t understand this idea that we have to choose one or the other.”

I hope she knows it’ll take more than a visit to Javier at the salon if she wants to swap out Johnny’s bits.

In any case, while it did take someone like Johnny Depp to bang all the residual traces of lesbian out of her, it seems to be a done deal now.

(I kid, of course. You can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.)

(But don’t be surprised if right-wingers want to dispatch Johnny Depp to Birkenstock stores all over the world, just in case.)

karen walker lesbians will and grace gif

Pamela Anderson Married the Guy From the Paris Hilton Sex Tape. Again.

The Twitterverse

Once upon a time, Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon, that dude from the Paris Hilton sex tape. Months later that marriage was annulled, with both of them citing fraud. But since true love never dies, Pam said she still slept with Rick — because really, who could resist?

Now they’ve officially remarried, setting the initial stages of the apocalypse into motion.

Pam showed up to one of Sean Penn‘s galas for Haiti — remember Haiti? — over the weekend rocking a huge-ass diamond alongside her new pixie cut, much to the chagrin and yawns of everyone.

Anderson told E! that she and her former/current hubby (and former/future ex-hubby) are pleased, adding, “Our families are very happy and that’s all that matters.”

Well, we can’t say we have high hopes for this (start your betting pools), but if Pam’s happy, we’re happy for her.

Regardless, you may now begin building your arks.

Kaley Cuoco Married That Guy She Just Met

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

Back in July, “Big Bang Theory” actress Kaley Cuoco did about two weeks of public photo-ops with “Man of Steel” star Henry Cavill before they realized no one was buying that shit and called it off.

Then in September, she announced she was engaged to tennis player (no, not “tennis star,” despite what the rags want you to believe) Ryan Sweeting, her boyfriend of three months. This caused everyone with fingers to count how many months it had been since her supposed “split” with Cavill, and to come up with a number less than three. Oh.

Relationship overlaps aside, the issue then became the fact that I’ve owned my current tube of mascara longer than she’s known this guy, and despite all her public proclamations of “when you know, you know,” oh dear God no.

But it was all good because in October, Kaley was all GEEZ, EVERYONE CALM DOWN, DAMN, explaining in an interview, “We are too busy to wedding plan. In a year we will start talking about it. We are enjoying being engaged.”

Time to get out your countin’ fingers again. How many months are in a year? That’s right — twelve. How many months between October and December? Uhhhh not twelve. PENNY CAN BEND THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, YOU GUYS.

Wearing a bubblegum pink Vera Wang gown (because why waste the pretty white gown on your first wedding), Kaley swapped vows with Ryan on New Year’s Eve at an elegant Southern California ranch that someone spent a lot of time trashing up to look like a Vegas wedding chapel. (Or “decorating.” Whatever.) Guests included Kaley’s “BBT” boyfriend and all-around nice guy Johnny Galecki.

Afterward, the newlyweds posted a bunch of photos on Instagram looking like two drunk teenagers at prom. Some of those shots are after the jump.

In the meantime, let’s just hope television’s second highest paid woman made her beloved sign a prenup. Right now everyone’s happy and everyone’s in love, but in the esteemed words of Her Royal Highness Cyndi Lauper, “Money changes everything.”

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Khloe Kardashian Is Giving Lamar Odom Divorce Papers for Christmas

sad trombone

Now that Kim Kardashian and Yeezus are engaged, The Mother doesn’t need Khloe Kardashian‘s marital drama for ratings anymore — so Lamar Odom is being tossed on the scrapheap of misfit Kardashian husbands. (Oh HAI, Kris Humphries. ‘sup?)

Khloe Kardashian is filing for divorce from Lamar Odom … TODAY.

Sources tell us, Khloe will be citing irreconcilable differences in her legal docs. The split should be pretty cut and dry — an ironclad prenup which kept all their assets separate … and no kids.

The end was a long time coming … Khloe had expressed dire concerns about the marriage ever since she learned about Lamar’s crack addiction earlier this year, but she forestalled divorce for fear he’d OD or worse.

The couple got married in September of 2009 after an extended one-month courtship, and many people didn’t think it would last. And while you may think a four-year marriage means it didn’t last, just remember it was like 20 times longer than Kim’s marriage to Kris. A love story for the ages, if you will.

Meanwhile, with two younger sisters at home, “So You Think You Can Marry a Kardashian” is already scouting NBA stars for next season.

saggyballs

Ashton Kutcher’s Now a Single Man. Ladies?

The couple who wears hipster glasses together, stays in divorce court together

The couple who wears hipster glasses together, never has a chance together

Two years after Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore separated (following an incident during which his peen tripped and fell into a vag that wasn’t hers), the former marrieds are officially divorced. And her bank balance likely has an extra zero or two.

We’ll give Demi this: She’s married very, very well. Or rather, she’s divorced very well — because despite few acting gigs in the past couple decades, she’s STUPID wealthy. As in, worth $150 million, thanks in no small part to the $90 million she got as a parting gift when she split from Bruce Willis in 2000.

That meant she was the rich one when she got her cougar on and hooked up with Ashton five years later — but that was before CBS lost its goddamned mind and made him Hollywood’s highest paid TV star. Between that and his tech investments (he got in on Spotify, Skype and Airbnb early), he’s now worth $140 million.

The exact terms of the divorce haven’t been disclosed, but it’s clear Demi felt the public humiliation she suffered when Ashton boffed a trashy rando (who couldn’t wait to tell the tabloids all about it) had a price tag, and she held out this long to make him pay.

“Ashton has been very difficult during the talks,” a source told Page Six back in March. “You could even say he has been hostile.”

Maybe he finally settled so he could put a ring on Mila Kunis — before she realizes she’s dating WAY below her weight class and bails.