Universe Exacts Revenge on Ashton Kutcher By Giving Him a Daughter

Maybe they'll name her Meg

Maybe they’ll name her Meg

Mila Kunis could quite literally have just about any man (or, really, any woman) she wants. Which makes it all the more puzzling that she sifted through the world’s population of roughly 7 billion people and plucked out … Ashton Kutcher.

But because we are not meant to understand all of life’s little mysteries, the former “That ’70s Show” co-stars are now engaged and even expecting a baby together. And while I may think Ashton is a lying, cheating piece, there’s little question that he’s a pretty lying, cheating piece, so the blending of his DNA with Mila’s should, in theory anyway, produce a beautiful child.

And according to Us Weekly, that genetically gifted offspring will be a girl.

Although the daughter-to-be will be the first child for both Kunis, 30, and Kutcher, 36, the ‘Two and Half Men’ hunk “got plenty of practice with Demi’s girls,” one pal notes. Indeed, for six years, Kutcher was famously stepdad to Rumer, 25, Scout, 22, and Tallulah, 20, ex-wife Demi Moore‘s kids with Bruce Willis.

Ecstatic for impending fatherhood, “Ashton is doting on Mila,” another friend notes of the reformed party boy, who’s already lining up playdates with the couple’s old “That ’70s Show” costar Danny Masterson and Fianna, his 2-month-old daughter.

What all this means is in just a few years, Ashton will be threatening the lives of boys just like him — proving karma does exist after all.

Kelly Clarkson Already Got That Fetus She Wanted for Christmas

Twitter

Twitter

Years before Jennifer Lawrence became everyone’s first-round draft pick in Fantasy BFF leagues the world over, Kelly Clarkson was winning hearts and minds with her angelic voice, girl-next-door sensibilities and willingness to tell industry titans like Clive Davis to kiss her (unashamedly) ample ass.

So when she got married a month ago, pretty much everyone did a collective “d’awwww.” She said she wanted to be knocked up by Christmas — and by God, when Kelly speaks, ovum listen.

BOOM.

Assuming she wasn’t holding a dripping pee stick when she typed that and instead observed the customary “don’t announce until the second trimester” tradition, that means she’s been knocked up since roughly the third week of August — which is exactly when she and then-fiance Brandon Blackstock announced they were ditching their plans for a big wedding and eloping instead.

They didn’t officially tie the knot until Oct. 20, but in the days directly before and after, Kelly said they wanted behbehs immediately and that Brandon’s peen was on call at all times to make it happen. Which was pretty strong foreshadowing for “yeah, I’m already preggers but it’s none of your damned business just yet.”

Normally I don’t much care about the state of celebrity uterui (it’s the plural of uterus because I say it is) but this particular pregnancy is worth a mention. Because admit it — you’re already a little jealous of that kid.

Kim and Kanye Put Their Baby in a Straitjacket and Took a Picture

Instagram

Instagram

Until now, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had only seen fit to show one photo of spawn North to the world (and, going completely against type, they released the shot themselves without being paid for it or anything). But since Kim just got an assload of designer baby clothes, she apparently thought this was a good time to post a more recent picture of the kid who’ll eventually wear them.

So. Here she is. She’s, uh, still a baby. Just an older one now, because that’s how time works.

She also appears to be bound in some sort of straitjacket, indicating that perhaps she required restraints after learning who her parents are. And that they gave her a name that should come with a therapy fund.

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