Universe Exacts Revenge on Ashton Kutcher By Giving Him a Daughter

Maybe they'll name her Meg

Maybe they’ll name her Meg

Mila Kunis could quite literally have just about any man (or, really, any woman) she wants. Which makes it all the more puzzling that she sifted through the world’s population of roughly 7 billion people and plucked out … Ashton Kutcher.

But because we are not meant to understand all of life’s little mysteries, the former “That ’70s Show” co-stars are now engaged and even expecting a baby together. And while I may think Ashton is a lying, cheating piece, there’s little question that he’s a pretty lying, cheating piece, so the blending of his DNA with Mila’s should, in theory anyway, produce a beautiful child.

And according to Us Weekly, that genetically gifted offspring will be a girl.

Although the daughter-to-be will be the first child for both Kunis, 30, and Kutcher, 36, the ‘Two and Half Men’ hunk “got plenty of practice with Demi’s girls,” one pal notes. Indeed, for six years, Kutcher was famously stepdad to Rumer, 25, Scout, 22, and Tallulah, 20, ex-wife Demi Moore‘s kids with Bruce Willis.

Ecstatic for impending fatherhood, “Ashton is doting on Mila,” another friend notes of the reformed party boy, who’s already lining up playdates with the couple’s old “That ’70s Show” costar Danny Masterson and Fianna, his 2-month-old daughter.

What all this means is in just a few years, Ashton will be threatening the lives of boys just like him — proving karma does exist after all.

Octomom Was Charged With Welfare Fraud. Sounds About Right.

Vivid Entertainment / Your Greatest Nightmares

Vivid Entertainment / Your Greatest Nightmares

America’s sweetheart and 25th favorite strip club act Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, has officially been charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud by the Los Angeles County D.A.’s office. If only you could see how shocked we are.

The charges were filed yesterday, TMZ reported, and included “1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.” According to the county, Suleman failed to report almost $30,000 in income last year. Par for the octo-course, really.

The money allegedly comes from personal appearances (because some people actually paid her for those) and residuals from her solo porn video, which we’d rather watch 10 more times than write another piece on Farrah Abraham.

The D.A. wants bail set at $25,000, or 8,000 gallons of baby formula.

judge judy beauty fades

Kelly Clarkson Already Got That Fetus She Wanted for Christmas

Twitter

Twitter

Years before Jennifer Lawrence became everyone’s first-round draft pick in Fantasy BFF leagues the world over, Kelly Clarkson was winning hearts and minds with her angelic voice, girl-next-door sensibilities and willingness to tell industry titans like Clive Davis to kiss her (unashamedly) ample ass.

So when she got married a month ago, pretty much everyone did a collective “d’awwww.” She said she wanted to be knocked up by Christmas — and by God, when Kelly speaks, ovum listen.

BOOM.

Assuming she wasn’t holding a dripping pee stick when she typed that and instead observed the customary “don’t announce until the second trimester” tradition, that means she’s been knocked up since roughly the third week of August — which is exactly when she and then-fiance Brandon Blackstock announced they were ditching their plans for a big wedding and eloping instead.

They didn’t officially tie the knot until Oct. 20, but in the days directly before and after, Kelly said they wanted behbehs immediately and that Brandon’s peen was on call at all times to make it happen. Which was pretty strong foreshadowing for “yeah, I’m already preggers but it’s none of your damned business just yet.”

Normally I don’t much care about the state of celebrity uterui (it’s the plural of uterus because I say it is) but this particular pregnancy is worth a mention. Because admit it — you’re already a little jealous of that kid.

Gwen Stefani Is Tabloid-Pregnant

Twitter

Twitter

Tabloids are sometimes like little kids in that they lie a lot, even when they don’t have to, simply to see what they can get away with. And every now and then, they actually tell the truth — just to keep you on your toes. So maybe In Touch Weekly is right when it says Gwen Stefani is expecting her third child with hubs Gavin Rossdale.

I mean, she went out in public wearing baggy pants with her midriff covered, so it must be true. (As far as tabloids go, this type of confirmation is second only to being photographed with one’s hand on one’s belly.)

For those of you keeping score at home, Gwen’s a few years older than she looks — she’s 43 and already has two little boys, but she’s in such slammin’ shape that her body could probably easily handle another pregnancy. Plus the whole “I’m old enough to have a daughter who could be knocked up at the same time I am” thing is tres chic in Hollywood circles right now. (Right, Halle?)

Anyway, In Touch’s trusty sources say Gwen and Gavin are psyched but she’s “having a hard time with morning sickness” so she’s “just trying to focus on resting right now.”

If the story’s true, maybe she’ll finally get a daughter she can dress up like her very own Harajuku Girl until the kid rebels in really the only way you can against a rock star mother: wearing twin sets, joining the Young Republicans and filling her iPod with Nickelback.

And if the story’s NOT true, well … that’s what Gwen gets for wearing baggy clothes in public during her fertile years.