Sam Worthington Beat the Shit Out of A Paparazzo

Remember Sam Worthington? That bland, generically good-looking fellow who starred in “Avatar” and that super shitty “Terminator” sequel that you haven’t thought about since? Well, here’s some video of him beating up a photographer for harrassing his girlfriend.

Model Lara Bingle was walking around the streets of New York aimlessly when the pap began following her and talking to himself like a hobo with a copy of Dianetics – endlessly repeating “I got it on video!” before any of this went down.

After Bingle kicked the photog and told him to stop following her, he kept at it, eventually leading to Jake Sully Worthington running out, smacking him to the ground and screaming “You want to fucking kick me wife?”

The two aren’t actually married, but have been together since 2013.

Both Worthington and the pap were taken in, Sam for assault and the photog – Sheng Li – for reckless endangerment, assault and harassment.

Too bad they couldn’t just plug their hair into the Earth and live in harmony, or whatever.

Let’s Check In On Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley Cyrus is in the middle of her Bangerz tour, where she’s been struggling to do all sorts of crazy shit nightly and maintain her headline quota.

First, she pretended to masturbate on stage, which probably made Madonna spit fetus blood all over in outrage.

Then Miley decided to up the ante by miming fellatio to a guy in a Bill Clinton mask. But this wasn’t very controversial, either. It’s ancient history, and everyone except maybe Glenn Beck is over it. (By the way: Miley was six years old when the Lewinsky scandal hit.)

And because that wasn’t doing the trick, she then did the same thing to Abe Lincoln, who looks mighty stoic for someone being graced by the all-knowing Tongue of Cyrus.

Regardless, she at least looks healthy and is delivering exactly what her fans want. Like this one:

So what’s next, Miley? Maybe you could sit on the face of an Aaron Burr lookalike as he duels Alexander Hamilton. Maybe you could reenact the Salem witch trials and writhe around on a portrait of Cotton Mathers.

Either way, thank you for giving our youth a crash course in American history/assless chaps. You are a patriot.

RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman. We’ll Miss You So.

Dreamworks

Dreamworks

Celebrity deaths don’t normally feel so personal — but Philip Seymour Hoffman seemed like someone you’d know. He wasn’t classically handsome or suave and he never had a string of supermodels on his arm. He wasn’t afraid of being the frumpy everyman.

He was supremely talented. But, almost as proof of his outsized humanity, he struggled with drug addiction. After being clean for 23 years, he recently checked himself into rehab. Sadly, he couldn’t outrun the demons this time. He was found in his NYC apartment today, dead of an apparent heroin overdose at the age of 46.

His amazing performances are legend, but in this one from “Almost Famous,” it always seemed to me that he wasn’t really acting. Like even though Cameron Crowe wrote the words, they were things Hoffman would’ve said anyway.

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we’re uncool.”

RIP, PSH.

Suck It, Miley: Helen Mirren Out-Twerks Everyone

In case you didn’t know, Dame Helen Mirren is one of the best people in the world ever. From cussing out noisy assholes to delivering insanely poignant performances, she can do it all. Apparently that includes twerking.

The 68-year-old actress appeared at Harvard University this week to receive its Hasty Pudding Theatricals Woman Of The Year award, and played a charades like-game where she had to act out items on cards for others to guess.

Twerking eventually reared its head and, after asserting “I refuse to do it” and a failed attempt to spell the word with her hands, she let out a defeated cursing fit – then declared “Okay,” and threw down the infamous dance move.

Needless to say, it was the classiest twerk ever.

Later, during a ceremonial roast, Mirren opened up about her career, telling the audience that Harrison Ford was the “hottest actor I ever worked with,” (that would be Peter Weir’s phenomenal “The Mosquito Coast”) and said that Meryl Streep would best her in a fight (questionable).

Congratulations, Helen. You’re the twerking queen. Literally.

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Rihanna Photobombing the ‘Full House’ Cast Wins the Day

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It’s been a while since we’ve seen a good photobomb. Enter Rihanna.

Bob Saget, John Stamos and Mr. Duplicity Dave Coulier appeared on “GMA” this morning to plug their upcoming Super Bowl ad for Dannon Oikos yogurt. Meanwhile, RiRi was there pimping her line of MAC Viva Glam makeup.

But between segments, the “Full House” boys decided to take a selfie (apparently they’re all 16 years old), and that’s when Rihanna stepped in. The result is awesome.

That said, we still don’t understand what the big deal about yogurt is. (Sorry, Jamie Lee Curtis.)

Justin Bieber Is Moving Somewhere. Stay On Notice, America.

Instagram

Instagram

After being constantly hassled by his troll neighbors patriots, Justin Bieber has finally had enough, and is high-talin’ his ass somewhere else.

TMZ reports the teen menace has instructed his realtor to sell his Calabasas, CA home and find a “sprawling space” far away from neighbors, claiming he feels “trapped and violated.”

Apparently Justin wants enough space for his own skate park and ATV course — sort of like a Neverland Ranch for douches. (Remember: in wide space, no one can hear Selena Gomez scream.)

Personally, we hope he buys a plot next to Harrison Ford‘s ranch in Jackson, Wyoming. Because Harrison Ford does not negotiate with egg terrorists, and he doesn’t put up with any bullshit. It’d make a great reality show.

But the real terror is knowing that the Biebs may be touring homes in your area, and that’s enough to keep someone up at night. Not even Mr. Rogers wants to put up with Justin’s shit.

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The Captain & Tennille Are Getting Divorced. Love Is Well and Truly Dead.

And the muskrats wept

And the muskrats wept

All of you under 30, go watch MTV or something for a while (kids still do that, right?). And if you hear your mom crying, it’s okay. She’s just mourning the death of love because Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille — aka the Captain & Tennille, America’s greatest purveyors of 70s pop schmaltz — are getting divorced.

And the story might be even sadder than it already seems.

The couple, who is responsible for such classic hits as “Love Will Keep Up Together” and “Muskrat Love,” is breaking up after 39 years of marriage.

The Prescott, Arizona City Courthouse tells RumorFix that Toni Tennille, whose real name is Cathryn Antoinette Tennille, 73, filed for divorce against Daryl Dragon, 71, on January 16.

Awful, right? Couples that age who’ve been together that long very rarely split. It’s enough to make a LOLCAT cry.

But then TMZ added a new twist — because it spoke to Daryl, who not only said he and Toni are still living together, but added, “I don’t know why she filed. I gotta figure it out for myself first.”

That makes no sense — until you hear the rest of the story (emphasis mine):

According to the divorce docs, obtained by TMZ, there’s special mention about health insurance coverage, and that seems relevant, because in 2009 Toni blogged that Daryl had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. In 2011 Toni updated the message, saying Daryl’s tremors were so bad he was embarrassed to go out in public … to restaurants, the movies, etc.

Here’s what’s unclear — whether it’s possible Toni really filed for health insurance reasons … whether his coverage might be better if they were divorced.

The blog has an update on Jan 16, 2014, saying “The Captain & Tennille appeared to the public as them being the ideal model for a ‘rock-solid’ married pair. But almost all people naturally evolve over time, & sometimes hidden feelings start to be uncovered …”

The Captain & Tennille never achieved the same hipster cred (nor the accompanying tribute albums) contemporaries of theirs like The Carpenters did, but even still, most of the celebrity net worth sites on the web peg Toni’s worth alone at $9 million. Assuming that’s true, it’s hard to imagine she’s undoing a four-decade marriage just to save a little money. (Then again, insurance companies are douchebags, so.)

No idea what’s really going on here, but either way, it’s all terribly depressing.

Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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The New ‘Bachelor’ Thinks Gays Are Too ‘Pervert’ To Be On the Show

How do you say "shut up, dumbass" in Spanish?

How do you say “shut up, dumbass” in Spanish?

Hot on the racist, homophobic heels of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson, we now have Juan Pablo Galavis — the first Latino star of ABC’s embarrassing “The Bachelor” franchise — learning the hard way that he doesn’t have to express all the feelings in his pretty little head.

Asked by The TV Page what he thought about having a season of “The Bachelor” featuring an openly gay or bisexual lead, the Venezuelan-born Galavis responded in part:

I don’t think it is a good idea for kids to watch that on TV …

Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up … Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples … Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed … It is confusing in a sense.

But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale … Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.

I have a lot of friends like that, but they’re more pervert in a sense. To me, the show would be too strong, too hard to watch on TV.

Oh. Oh, I see. So a show that depicts a couple dozen women sacrificing what little self-respect they have to win his affections is totally family viewing. But gay men are pervs so HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE. Got it.

It didn’t take long for the suits at ABC to laugh nervously and issue a statement saying, “Juan Pablo’s comments were careless, thoughtless and insensitive, and in no way reflect the views of the network, the show’s producers or studio.”

Not long after, Juan himself took to his Facebook page with this:

 
I know English is Juan’s second language and all but, uh, that’s some bullshit right there.

He’s the second quasi-celebrity in the past few days to pull this whole “I know gays, I love gays — I just think they’re immoral” routine. (Sherri Shepherd took a break from pondering whether the earth is round or flat to chime in, too.)

No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put a foot on both sides of this line. It’s condescending and patronizing and (pardon the ironic phrasing) a total dick move.

You either treat gay people as your equal — or you don’t. Take a stand and stay there. It makes it easier for the rest of us to know whose opinions to ignore.

Cate Blanchett Really Loves Her New SAG Award

Cate Blanchett won a SAG Award tonight for her role in “Blue Jasmine.” Her acceptance speech was awesome — when show producers tried to cut her short, she was quick to remind them that Matthew McConaughey (who’d just won for “Dallas Buyers Club”) was permitted to nonsensically ramble so she’d take her time, thanks.

Still, it flustered her a bit, which I’m sure is what caused this PG-13 moment. But just because she’s classy doesn’t mean I am. So here you go.