Chris Brown Was Kicked Out of Rage Rehab for Going Ballistic on His Mom

Chris Brown and the woman who made him what he is today

Chris Brown and the woman who made him what he is today

Once upon a time, a boy named Chris Brown got famous because he could sing and dance. Then he got infamous for trying to put Rihanna‘s nose where her ears go, and it’s all been downhill ever since.

Simply put, brotha needs to check his temper. Since he’s still on probation for the 2009 Rihanna “incident” (as he calls it), he can’t afford to go all rage monster on anyone — yet that’s what he keeps doing. And he’s rapidly running through his “get out of jail free” cards.

So about a month ago, his legal team talked him into checking himself into treatment for anger management. Which seemed like a great idea, but it’s now coming to light that a mere two weeks into his stay, the Malibu rehab facility where he was staying punted him for — wait for it — completely losing his shit. On his mom, no less.

TMZ (because of course TMZ) reports:

According to [a probation] report, Chris’ mom showed up for a family session and was urging her son to stay in the facility for extended treatment. Apparently, Chris violently disagreed with her and in a fit of anger threw a rock through her car window, shattering it …

The report goes on to say without continued therapy and a strong recovery support network, his prognosis is “very guarded.”

His mother, by the way, is at least half the problem. But I digress.

And wait, there’s more:

Chris Brown just got confined for 90 days … but not in jail … in rehab.

Brown and his lawyer, Mark Geragos, were just in court for a progress report in the Rihanna beating case … The Probation Dept. notified the judge that Brown flew into yet another violent rage while he was in a Malibu rehab joint for anger management, and was thrown out of the facility after only 2 weeks. The Probation Dept. recommended live-in anger management rehab.

The judge agreed with Probation, and ordered Brown to check into a facility for 90 days, and the facility must be in L.A. County and approved by Probation … Brown must also submit to drug testing at the rehab facility [and] must take any prescriptions recommended by the rehab place.

In other words, Breezy will now be on court-ordered lock-down for three months, and he can’t be under the influence of anything other than prescribed chiller-outers. Which will likely be dosed from a safe distance. With a tranq gun, maybe.
 

Justin Bieber Had a Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Time in Brazil

The trail of slime Justin Bieber‘s “Believe” tour is leaving behind as it winds its way around the globe is typical only of snails, snakes and possibly Joe Francis. And this weekend’s stopover in Brazil was no exception.

On Friday, the Biebs was caught on camera being hustled out of a brothel by his security team while badly losing the “if I can’t see you, you can’t see me” game — because even though they had the Boy King covered in a sheet, some of his telltale ill-advised ink was showing and gave him away.

Page Six reported:

The 19-year-old pop star and a friend spent more than three hours in the popular whorehouse Centauros in Rio de Janeiro — before leaving with two women, sources said. He jumped into the back seat of a car while the women, who covered their faces, were put in SUVs and escorted back to his hotel.

Bieber was later kicked out of the hotel for breaking rules, the Brazilian news Web site EGO reported. But another source insisted that Bieber left because hordes of fans mobbed the place, a creating a “security issue.”

Sources at the hotel claimed he and his crew had for days been partying, doing drugs and disturbing people, according to EGO. The singer, who had been staying at the upscale Copacabana Palace hotel in southern Rio, moved his entourage to a rented mansion in a gated community, the site reported.

A spokesman for Bieber declined comment.

(For the record, prostitution is legal in Brazil but brothels are not. Bieber should’ve stuck with freelance whores.)

That brings us to Saturday night, when Justin was apparently so exhausted from his paid sexytime that he was three hours late to a meet and greet that fans paid upwards of $1000 to attend. Then he was about 90 minutes late starting his concert in Rio, where he endeared himself to the locals by kicking their national flag around.

One or all of the above pissed someone off, because video shows a water bottle being flung at Bieber mid-show, hitting his face and knocking the mic right out of his hands. He then stormed off stage — but not before shooting the crowd a look that, had he been a wizard, would’ve turned them all into one-eyed newts.

The audience reportedly chanted for about half an hour to try to get him to come back (even breaking into an impromptu singalong of “Baby”), but to no avail. By then he’d already gone back to the hotel, put on his footie pajamas, and settled down with a bottle of warm milk and a hooker or two.

Guy Fieri and His Hairdresser Had a Bitchfight

Guy Fieri and his hairdresser, Ariel Ramirez, had just touched down in San Francisco International Airport on Saturday when all the booze they’d consumed during the flight kicked in and a glorious, drunken slapfight erupted.

Footage shows Ariel beating up on Guy through their car’s open doorway, sobbing uncontrollably and screaming about how Guy is a “fucking dickhead” – something everyone else figured out years ago. He also slips around in the dirt as Guy kicks him away from the vehicle.

TMZ says that eventually Ariel was kicked out and and he took a cab back home with Guy’s manager, and they quote a source saying it was “dudes being dudes.” Super emasculated, sad dudes.

Meanwhile, Guy’s rep says that the two have patched things up since, but there’s still no word on what started the fight. Maybe Guy cooked him some of his “food.”

Michael Bay’s Hong Kong Attacker was a Zombie Now

Chill, bro. Hey, do you like cars?

Chill, bro. Hey, do you like cars?

Yesterday we learned that Michael Bay was decked by some dude while filming “Transformers 4″ because he wouldn’t pay the guy extortion money. Michael Bay got a smack down, cops came. Guys were arrested. End of story, right? Well, no. Because Michael Bay says he actually evaded the assault with his cat-like reflexes and that the assailant was an undead cadaver.

Here’s his recollection of the story:

Hi, it’s Michael.

Yes, the story is being passed around is not all true! Yes, some drugged up guys were being belligerent asses to my crew for hours in the morning of our first shoot day in Hong Kong. One guy rolled metal carts into some of my actors trying to shake us down for thousands of dollars to not play his loud music or hit us with bricks.

Every vendor where we shot got paid a fair price for our inconvenience, but he wanted four times that amount. I personally told this man and his friends to forget it we were not going to let him extort us. He didn’t like that answer. So an hour later he came by my crew as we were shooting, carrying a long air conditioner unit. He walked right up to me and tried to smack my face, but I ducked threw the air unit on the floor and pushed him away. That’s when the security jumped on him. But it took seven big guys to subdue him. It was like a Zombie in Brad Pitt’s movie World War Z—he lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them. He actually bit into one of the guards Nike shoe, insane. Thank god it was an Air Max, the bubble popped, but the toe was saved.

Then it took fifteen Hong Kong cops in riot gear to deal with these punks. In all, four guys were arrested for assaulting the officers.

After that, we had a great day shooting here in Hong Kong. The place couldn’t be better.

Get all that? Michael Bay karate chopped a man, threw an air conditioner into the air which exploded (while Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best” played overhead) and then watched as the man (who was a corpse) violently threw off multiple police officers. Seems legit.

The only lingering question is whether or not this zombie was sent by Megan Fox for revenge.

 

We Watched Justin Bieber’s ‘All That Matters’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

 Justin Bieber‘s new single (probably about Selena Gomez) “All that Matters” has leaked, featuring him singing and acting like a complete idiot atop the Great Wall of China while a group of grown men mill around in the background lusting after him doing official posse stuff.

We scoped it out for you.

Continue reading

Justin Bieber Is Still Starting Fights His Bodyguards Have to Finish

Isn't it past your bedtime?

Isn’t it past your bedtime, brah?

A few days ago, Justin Bieber posted a photo of himself pulling several Gs so he’d look like he had muscles, and I mused that if he keeps working out, he might someday win fights like a man instead of letting his bodyguards do the dirty work (as is his way). But that day has not yet come. Continue reading

Shia LaBeouf Got Kicked in the Balls in London

Twitter

Twitter

Shia LaBeouf is in London filming his new WWII flick “Fury,” but still found time to use his phone to tape two drunken sisters vomiting outside a bar. The girls told Shia to stop, and when he refused, some anonymous hero beat him up.

The ladies, Ash and Isis Nawaz, told The Sun (via Yahoo) that once Shia began recording the intervening stranger, dude let loose, punching LaBeouf in the face and following it up with a swift kick to the balls.

Oh, what we’d give to switch places with that man.

Of course, Ash has her regrets:

“I only realized it was Shia after he’d been beaten up. If I’d known, I’d have let him film me as much as he liked. I have a massive crush on him.”

We can only imagine what this stranger in the night was thinking while raining blows upon Shia, but it was probably something along the lines of:

“This is for Indiana Jones 4.”
*BOOM*
And this is for every Transformers movie.”
*POW*

Hats off to you, mysterious Londoner. We only wish someone had pulled a Shia and recorded it.

Aw. Justin Bieber’s Moobs Finally Came In.

Nice rack.

Nice rack.

When Justin Bieber isn’t peeing in mop buckets or toking up or being carried around like the delicate flower he is, he hangs out with a personal trainer who puts him through grueling daily paces that include 100 daily reps of “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.”

And it looks like all that hard work finally paid off — because here’s Bieber and the aforementioned trainer, who looks totally smug about the fact that Justin busted out of his training bra and is now a solid B cup.

Keep up the good work, Biebs. Someday, you may even be able to win bar fights fair and square.

[Photo via Instagram]

Kanye Went on Kimmel Last Night, But Forgot to Wipe His Mouth First

Someone is SO fired for this

Someone is SO fired for this

A couple weeks ago, Jimmy Kimmel made fun of Kanye West, and because the words “self-deprecating” and “Kanye West” are like the opposite poles of a magnet, Kanye lost his shit on Twitter and called Kimmel everything but a white woman.

Fast forward to last night, when Kanye was a guest on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and Kimmel acted like a kid who was scared of the schoolyard bully taking his lunch money and Kanye said exactly what you’d imagine he’d say (KANYE GREAT, KANYE POWERFUL, KANYE SMASH). But he did it with a very noticeable piece of … well, something in the left corner of his mouth. Which made it really hard to pay attention to his words, but as it turns out, maybe that was his gift to us all. (Thank you, Baby Yeezus.)

Rich at Gawker summarized the last part of the sit-down thusly:

And then, toward the end of the interview (what interview?), Kanye unleashed [a rant that] went virtually uninterrupted for over eight minutes. His free verse freestyle included contemplation of his acceptance in the fashion world, an alternate pronunciation of his name (“Kanyé”), a reference to The Truman Show, a discussion of Michael Jackson having to fight to get on MTV, the question “Who do you know who’s known more for clothes than me?”, fashion-world name-dropping, the statement “I’m not into all that snobbery,” occasional usage of the royal we, and a justification of him comparing himself to Steve Jobs, Leonardo da Vinci, and Jesus Christ, as well as musings on classism, Paula Deen, getting spoofed, making awesome stuff, self-esteem, $4,000 phones, and paparazzi. To that crop: “It’s not safe for you in this zoo. Don’t ever think that I’m not from Chicago.”

Cool story, bro. Continue reading

Chris Brown Is Still a Massive Douche

It's okay. They're medicinal.

It’s okay. They’re medicinal.

Chris Brown (he’s not just the president of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club, he’s also a member!) gave an interview to the UK’s The Guardian recently, and if you already thought he was an entitled douchenozzle, this did little to change those perceptions.

Journalist Decca Aitkenhead writes that upon his arrival, “Brown keeps his shades on, makes no eye contact and addresses his words to the [recorder] in front of us, though less due to rudeness, I think, than the elaborate protocol of cool.”

She goes on:

Before long, I begin to suspect he’s actually just bored. He’s talking about his album, but making no sense, so I suggest we pretend I’ve just landed from Mars and know nothing about him. Here is a clean slate: his chance to define himself, to explain from scratch who he is and what he does. What would he say? As if registering my presence for the first time, he pauses, almost glances across, smiles – “That’s a good question” – and considers it carefully in silence.

“Well, I would say I’m an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I’m a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.”

Were it not for what he refers to as “the incident with Rihanna,” he would now be “bigger than life. Yeah.” He can’t think of anything he’s bad at, apart from “just being able to relax and sleep.”

“Walking art piece”? Well, he got the “walking” and the “piece” right.

Decca continues:

A lot of the time, his answers bear little, if any, relation to my questions. Or perhaps he’s decided on two central points he wants to make, and figures everything else is irrelevant. The first point he makes several times is that his new album will appeal to everyone; the second is that he is a changed man who’s grown up and calmed down. Unfortunately he’s at his least coherent when discussing the former, and at his most contradictory on the latter. By the time I leave, all I can say with certainty is that Brown is a stranger to the concepts of modesty and consistency.

Sounds about right.

This past weekend, much was made of a passage in which Brown describes losing his virginity at the age of 8 to a girl who was “14 or 15.”

Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. “By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.”

Whether you find this to be eye-rolling braggadocio or the incredibly sad tale of a childhood rape victim depends solely on your interpretation of it. (Commenters on Jezebel, for example, basically grabbed pitchforks and torches and stormed the castle when writer Doug Barry gave the statement a side-eye.)

Regardless, it does call into question where the hell his batshit crazy mother was during all this. Maybe this is just part of what she thinks makes him “God’s anointed.”

Anyway, after a history of Brown’s career thus far is covered, the “Rihanna incident,” as he calls it, is addressed. There’s a lot here of him whining about how hard community service is (“Community service, that shit is a bitch. I’ll be honest – and you can quote me on that – that is a motherfucker there”) and how hard it is to be him because he’s just so misunderstood and how he’s totally a changed man now and blah blah blah.

Then Decca asks him about that tat on his neck — the one that looks more than a little like police photos of Rihanna taken just after he’d beaten the snot out of her.

He has always disputed the resemblance, insisting it’s just a “random woman,” so I ask if he’d realised it would be misconstrued and cause so much fuss.

“I really don’t care. A tattoo’s a tattoo; it’s my body, my skin.”

Suddenly he is sulky and petulant. “My favourite line is, ‘Fuck you.’ I like giving the world a big fuck you. Every tattoo I have is a big fuck you. So it’s just, like, this is just me, and I’m the guy who’s going to be just the same guy at all times.”

But he’s totally changed, you guys. Don’t forget he’s totally changed.

scale-of-one-to-chris-brown-gif1