Justin Bieber Is Moving Somewhere. Stay On Notice, America.

Instagram

Instagram

After being constantly hassled by his troll neighbors patriots, Justin Bieber has finally had enough, and is high-talin’ his ass somewhere else.

TMZ reports the teen menace has instructed his realtor to sell his Calabasas, CA home and find a “sprawling space” far away from neighbors, claiming he feels “trapped and violated.”

Apparently Justin wants enough space for his own skate park and ATV course — sort of like a Neverland Ranch for douches. (Remember: in wide space, no one can hear Selena Gomez scream.)

Personally, we hope he buys a plot next to Harrison Ford‘s ranch in Jackson, Wyoming. Because Harrison Ford does not negotiate with egg terrorists, and he doesn’t put up with any bullshit. It’d make a great reality show.

But the real terror is knowing that the Biebs may be touring homes in your area, and that’s enough to keep someone up at night. Not even Mr. Rogers wants to put up with Justin’s shit.

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Justin Bieber Got His Dumb Ass Arrested

By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.

You want details? Worship at the altar of TMZ.

As for us, we’re just stirring up shit by doctoring his mugshot (see above) and poking sticks in the cage of beliebers on Twitter. As we do.

Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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‘Super Normal’ Shia LaBeouf Slurs Out a Drunken, Non-Plagiarized Apology for Headbutting That Dude

Shia LaBeouf, who is totally NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE, is still famous enough that when he gets all up in someone’s face at a bar and loses his fecal matter, people whip out cellphones and take video of it.

A couple days ago, Shia was at a South London pub named Hobgoblin (srsly) when some dude apparently dissed his girlfriend’s mom. And because Shia is nothing if not chivalrous, he gallantly headbutted the guy. Over a “your mom” joke.

You can hear a woman screaming his name over and over to get him to back the eff off, and eventually he does, only to be chastised by someone who sounds like an extra from “Mary Poppins” right before the video ends.

Then early this morning, video of him talking to some bar patrons later that same night emerged.

If you can’t understand his drunken slurs, here’s a partial transcript of what he says:

“I’m not trying to have, like, any more problems. Like, I’m really just trying to make peace … I’m a normal human being. Look, I accept what I get into to do what I love. I’m not trying to shit on nobody. I’m a human being, you know what I mean?

I’m super normal. Like more normal than most. When people wanna get hostile, or shit on my girl’s mom, or say things that are out of turn …

I’m sorry about that. I got no control over that. I’m just trying to make peace, you know?”

HE’S SUPER NORMAL, YOU GUYS. GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

Maybe he should stop hanging out at this joint — he was in another fight there back in November of 2012. Then again, he got into a street brawl in front of a bar in Vancouver three years ago, too. So maybe it’s not the locale, maybe it’s him (it’s totally him).

Watching the second video, I almost feel bad for the guy. He can’t even do that thing we all do when we’re drunk — where we bare our souls and think we’re being incredibly deep and poignant when really we’re just sloppy and shouldn’t speak at all — without someone taping it and selling it to a tabloid site.

Then I remember what a douche he is even when he’s sober and yeah, never mind.

There’s A Religion Based on Kanye West And Now We Have To Break Something

Yeezianity.com

Yeezianity.com

It’s a well established fact that Kanye West has believed he is a deity (douchity?) for some time. Now some asshole has validated him by creating Yeezianity – a new religion that professes Kanye is a messenger from god. It’s just what we need.

This is, unfortunately, a real group “who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is a divine being who has been sent by God to usher in a New Age of humanity.” Seriously.

The founder of the pseudo-religion – who wishes to remain anonymous – gave an interview with Noisey and explained himself, claiming he was serious but spouting such inane bullshit that anyone with a vague grasp of who Kanye West is wouldn’t be able to believe him:

“First of all, he is the most honest person in our culture. He has the highest moral standards and highest integrity. He is the most creative person. And as it’s typical with creative people, he gets a lot of flack from the lower minded masses. It’s not even that they don’t like him, it’s that they don’t know what he’s doing because the press gives it this negative spin all the time. And now it’s people feed on it so it’s this constant negative trance. But, like, College Dropout is probably still my favorite album of all-time.”

Hear that? Kanye has the highest moral standards. He’s also the most creative. (Somewhere, Lady Gaga is hanging up a hat made of catheter tubes and weeping.)

The religion has 5 pillars, which is a complete rip off of Islam (which ripped off Christianity, which ripped off the Torah). You’d think a religion devoted to creativity would try harder. Regardless, they are as follows:

1. All things created must be for the good of all
2. No human being’s right to express themselves must ever be repressed
3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange
4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs
5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

Sounds pretty good, right? It also sounds like vague platitudes that Phillip Seymour Hoffman might spit out in a blooper reel for “The Master.” Not the mention that we’ve never seen Kanye West disown any money.

Other pillars that should be considered include:

1. Thou shalt have your body guards beat the shit out of people for minor inconveniences

or

2. Thou shalt wear a mask to protect thine heavenly artistic integrity

Yezianity is pretty much all set to start a new crusade – kicking photographers in the balls and setting up shrines to Dat Azzz® everywhere. Now we just have to wait for Richard Dawkins to run into a member of the church on the street for an impromptu debate.

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Yesterday Was a Bad Day to Be Justin Bieber’s BFF

You know you're jelly of those onesies

You know you’re jelly of those onesies

By now, pretty much everyone knows the LAPD busted up into Justin Bieber‘s house yesterday with so much manpower that you’d have thought he was a Colombian gun-runner instead of a wannabe banger who winged a few dozen eggs at a neighbor’s house and was stupid enough to be caught on video doing it.

During the raid, cops found what they thought was a pile of cocaine “in plain sight” and arrested Lil Za, one of the Biebs’ hangers-on besties. Still unclear is why they arrested HIM when it wasn’t his house, but since Justin is the bitch who makes all the money, Za probably just took one for the team. (The drugs were later reported to be Ecstasy and Xanax, not coke — which translates to a lot less jail time, should it come to that.)

Za was booked for felony drug possession but posted bail a short time later and was mere minutes from freedom when he inexplicably lost his shit and tore up a phone in the jailhouse. That got his dumb ass booked again, this time for vandalism. Because he’s not rich or famous enough to vandalize things and call it art.

Upon his eventual release, he did a walk of shame during which the paparazzi asked him a bunch of idiotic questions they knew he wouldn’t answer, but the main takeaway from that is his inane nickname is apparently pronounced “zay” and not “zah.” (Which totally ruins all the “pizZA” jokes everyone made about him on Twitter yesterday.)

As for the Biebs, the LAPD collected all kinds of evidence from his house yesterday — including his security system, which presumably has video — but at this time, a police spokesman says he “has not been exonerated, nor has he been arrested.”

Cops Just Swarmed Justin Bieber’s Crib

Would this face lie to you? (Yes. Yes it would.)

Would this face lie to you? (Yes. Yes it would.)

Remember that egg-throwing incident last weekend? Looks like it might have been a lot more serious than anyone thought, because almost a dozen L.A. County Sheriff’s patrol cars are out in front of Justin Bieber‘s manse right now.

TMZ giddily reports:

[Police] are executing a search warrant in connection with the egg-throwing incident … Sources tell us deputies are looking for any evidence that links Bieber to the egg assault on his next door neighbor. We’re told this is a FELONY search warrant — meaning Justin is under a microscope for a crime that could land him in prison.

If in the course of the search cops find something illegal — like drugs — it’s fair game.

We’re told there’s a battering ram at the scene …

Deputies are detaining Justin in his garage right now while they search. We’re told they are also looking for surveillance video from Justin’s house that might capture the egging incident.

A battering ram? Jesus H. This is like some shit off “Cops.” All we’re missing is some barefoot chick in a SpaghettiOs-stained tank top puffing on a Marlboro Red and swigging a can of Coors.

For what it’s worth, the guy who owns the house Justin egged says the world’s most famous man-boy caused $20,000 in damage. That definitely rises to the level of a felony, and let’s be real here — it’s about time Bieber got a little comeuppance for his constant and rampant douchebaggery.

That said, he IS rich, famous and (most importantly) white — so I wouldn’t start measuring him for a jailhouse jumpsuit just yet.

—–

UPDATE: Justin’s BFF Lil Za, who was at the house, was busted for felony Ecstasy and Xanax possession. Cops said the drugs (which they initially thought was a whole lot of cocaine) were “in plain view” during the raid.

Shia LaBeouf Is None Too Pleased With Jim Carrey Right Now

"Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" *Plays "Even Stevens" reruns*

“Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?” *Plays “Even Stevens” reruns*

Last night, while presenting at the Golden Globes, Jim Carrey took the stage to announce the winner of Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy. He opened this by reciting a famous quote – “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard,” – but then added this addendum: “I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, so wise.”

This, of course, was a reference to Shia’s recent plagiarism “Shia bein Shia” flap, wherein he blatantly copied a short film, and then apologized by plagiarizing several different apologies. But Shia was watching (he has eyes everywhere) and probably began firing off a whole bunch of “No, no no no no’s” in his head. Soon after Carrey’s quip, the “Transformers” star sent this tweet:

Pretty artsy, right? Jim Carrey = Schrodinger’s comedian.

But LaDouche wasn’t done, responding to an E! online tweet and confirming that he definitely Twitter searches himself (but we already knew that):

And even though his grammar and syntax are IMPECCABLE, he forgot to check his facts. Jim Carrey has not abandoned daughter Jane Carrey. In fact, they seem to be pretty tight. And Shia must have someone in his corner looking out for him, because eventually he saw the error of his tweets, ways and being:

(It should also be noted that Jane Carrey is now the one and only person Shia follows on Twitter.)

Meanwhile, Jim Carrey hasn’t said a goddamn word, which is smart – but also odd, considering he has a track record of saying strange things via Twitter.

Hopefully this isn’t all bad. At the very least, we hope they can make up and Shia can come out of faux retirement for a cameo in “Dumb and Dumber Too.” Possibly one that involves being kicked in the balls, since he’s such a method actor.

And never forget:

Justin Bieber Egged a Neighbor’s House Like Grownups Do

Since Justin Bieber is a grown-up now and wants you to STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A LITTLE BOY, he recently settled a longtime beef with a neighbor by inviting the guy over for coffee and snickerdoodles and talking things out.

LOLJK he actually threw a bunch of eggs at the guy’s house like the shitty little juvenile delinquent he is. (Oh, sorry — he’s almost 20 now. So he’s just a “shitty little delinquent.”)

According to TMZ, the neighbor — who’s been feuding with Bieber for undetermined rich white people reasons — heard “something banging” against his manse on Thursday night, so he went out on a second-floor balcony to see wutwut:

Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”

Video of the incident [shot by the neighbor] is dark, but you can hear the neighbor yelling, “I see you. I f**king see you!” Then Justin yells back, “F**k you! I got another one for you, actually!”

They keep yelling back and forth for about 30 seconds, until the neighbor tells his 13-year-old daughter — who sounds terrified — to call the cops.

Here’s where it gets rather amusing. Despite the fact that she probably felt like Judas betraying Jesus, the little girl does make the call, awesomely telling the 911 dispatcher:

“Hi, I’d like to, uh, place an assault.”

Like she was ordering a pizza. (Then she went to the real-time tracker to watch her assault being made!)

Justin is now supposedly being investigated for vandalism, which is usually a misdemeanor — but if the damage exceeds $400, that makes it a felony. Like that matters. (Hi, Chris Brown. ‘Sup?)

Michael Bay No Like Talky Noise Making

The Consumer Electronics Show is a wealth of knowledge concerning upcoming innovations in technology. There are several people who would be suited for speaking to these topics, but Samsung, brilliantly, decided to go with destroyer of childhood dreams director Michael Bay. Predictably, it exploded in their faces.

Bay took the stage to plug Samsung’s new television — a 105-inch set that is curved to provide a more immersive viewing experience. After asking how everyone in the audience was doing (how kind?), he said: “My job, as a director, is I get to dream for a living” — completely bypassing scripted lines for Joe Stinziano, Samsung’s Executive Vice President.

Stinziano tried to recover, asking the director what inspired him. Bay began talking about how Hollywood creates a “viewer escape.” As he did, the teleprompter people scrambled to play catch-up due to his complete lack of ability to read lines off a screen, and Bay lost his place. He didn’t know how to describe what he does.

‘Ungh,” he groaned, neurotically swaying on his toes like Rain Man. “The type is all off. Sorry.”

Then an epiphany: Bay said he would “just wing” it. WHen Stinziano tried to prod him in the right direction, Bay took a look at the massive television and said nothing.

“The curve?” Stinziano pushed, motioning to the set. “How do you think it’s going to impact how people experience your movies?”

It was at this point that Bay apologized and excused himself, exiting the stage (not pursued by a bear) and leaving Mr. Stinziano to go it alone. He apologized to the audience and continued with the presentation.

Later, Bay took to his blog (where he once claimed to have been attacked by zombies) to explain himself, writing:

Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.

And if you’ve watched the video, you clearly saw a man excited to talk. What the teleprompter going “up and down” means? Not sure. Why he can’t articulate how his job involves telling dudes to hose down Megan Fox and detonate explosions? Not sure, either.

Either way, the moral of the story here is don’t invite Michael Bay to do anything for you except yell “action!” or maybe judge an amateur stripping competition. (And definitely don’t ask him anything about fine cinema.)