Justin Bieber Got His Dumb Ass Arrested

By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.

You want details? Worship at the altar of TMZ.

As for us, we’re just stirring up shit by doctoring his mugshot (see above) and poking sticks in the cage of beliebers on Twitter. As we do.

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The Captain & Tennille Are Getting Divorced. Love Is Well and Truly Dead.

And the muskrats wept

And the muskrats wept

All of you under 30, go watch MTV or something for a while (kids still do that, right?). And if you hear your mom crying, it’s okay. She’s just mourning the death of love because Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille — aka the Captain & Tennille, America’s greatest purveyors of 70s pop schmaltz — are getting divorced.

And the story might be even sadder than it already seems.

The couple, who is responsible for such classic hits as “Love Will Keep Up Together” and “Muskrat Love,” is breaking up after 39 years of marriage.

The Prescott, Arizona City Courthouse tells RumorFix that Toni Tennille, whose real name is Cathryn Antoinette Tennille, 73, filed for divorce against Daryl Dragon, 71, on January 16.

Awful, right? Couples that age who’ve been together that long very rarely split. It’s enough to make a LOLCAT cry.

But then TMZ added a new twist — because it spoke to Daryl, who not only said he and Toni are still living together, but added, “I don’t know why she filed. I gotta figure it out for myself first.”

That makes no sense — until you hear the rest of the story (emphasis mine):

According to the divorce docs, obtained by TMZ, there’s special mention about health insurance coverage, and that seems relevant, because in 2009 Toni blogged that Daryl had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. In 2011 Toni updated the message, saying Daryl’s tremors were so bad he was embarrassed to go out in public … to restaurants, the movies, etc.

Here’s what’s unclear — whether it’s possible Toni really filed for health insurance reasons … whether his coverage might be better if they were divorced.

The blog has an update on Jan 16, 2014, saying “The Captain & Tennille appeared to the public as them being the ideal model for a ‘rock-solid’ married pair. But almost all people naturally evolve over time, & sometimes hidden feelings start to be uncovered …”

The Captain & Tennille never achieved the same hipster cred (nor the accompanying tribute albums) contemporaries of theirs like The Carpenters did, but even still, most of the celebrity net worth sites on the web peg Toni’s worth alone at $9 million. Assuming that’s true, it’s hard to imagine she’s undoing a four-decade marriage just to save a little money. (Then again, insurance companies are douchebags, so.)

No idea what’s really going on here, but either way, it’s all terribly depressing.

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The New ‘Bachelor’ Thinks Gays Are Too ‘Pervert’ To Be On the Show

How do you say "shut up, dumbass" in Spanish?

How do you say “shut up, dumbass” in Spanish?

Hot on the racist, homophobic heels of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson, we now have Juan Pablo Galavis — the first Latino star of ABC’s embarrassing “The Bachelor” franchise — learning the hard way that he doesn’t have to express all the feelings in his pretty little head.

Asked by The TV Page what he thought about having a season of “The Bachelor” featuring an openly gay or bisexual lead, the Venezuelan-born Galavis responded in part:

I don’t think it is a good idea for kids to watch that on TV …

Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up … Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples … Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed … It is confusing in a sense.

But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale … Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.

I have a lot of friends like that, but they’re more pervert in a sense. To me, the show would be too strong, too hard to watch on TV.

Oh. Oh, I see. So a show that depicts a couple dozen women sacrificing what little self-respect they have to win his affections is totally family viewing. But gay men are pervs so HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE. Got it.

It didn’t take long for the suits at ABC to laugh nervously and issue a statement saying, “Juan Pablo’s comments were careless, thoughtless and insensitive, and in no way reflect the views of the network, the show’s producers or studio.”

Not long after, Juan himself took to his Facebook page with this:

 
I know English is Juan’s second language and all but, uh, that’s some bullshit right there.

He’s the second quasi-celebrity in the past few days to pull this whole “I know gays, I love gays — I just think they’re immoral” routine. (Sherri Shepherd took a break from pondering whether the earth is round or flat to chime in, too.)

No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put a foot on both sides of this line. It’s condescending and patronizing and (pardon the ironic phrasing) a total dick move.

You either treat gay people as your equal — or you don’t. Take a stand and stay there. It makes it easier for the rest of us to know whose opinions to ignore.

Cate Blanchett Really Loves Her New SAG Award

Cate Blanchett won a SAG Award tonight for her role in “Blue Jasmine.” Her acceptance speech was awesome — when show producers tried to cut her short, she was quick to remind them that Matthew McConaughey (who’d just won for “Dallas Buyers Club”) was permitted to nonsensically ramble so she’d take her time, thanks.

Still, it flustered her a bit, which I’m sure is what caused this PG-13 moment. But just because she’s classy doesn’t mean I am. So here you go.

Johnny Depp Banged the Lesbian Out of Amber Heard and Now They’re Engaged

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Pretty people are pretty

Amber Heard (a pretty actress you may or may not have heard of) starred with Johnny Depp in 2011′s “The Rum Diary” (a pretty movie you may or may not have seen). At the time, Depp had been with his partner and baby-mama Vanessa Paradis for almost 15 years, and Heard had been with her same-sex partner, artist Tasya van Ree, for about four years.

In mid-2012, both couples split — and Depp and Heard have been together ever since. Pure coincidence, of course.

Now sources say they’re engaged. And despite no official word from overpaid PR people, Amber was caught on camera earlier this week trying very hard to hide some bling on her left hand, so it’s probably true.

I’m not bitter. I’M NOT. (I am completely bitter.)

“It happened on Christmas Eve,” a source close to the family told Celebuzz. “Amber really took her time to make up her mind.”

“She turned him down before,” added the source, “before she said yes. So she waited and was thinking about it for a long time.”

Probably because Johnny Depp has a penis and all. But don’t go putting your bourgeois sexual orientation labels on her. When Flare magazine asked Amber last year if she identifies as bisexual, she replied:

“It is so strange to me that everyone cares … Maybe you like blondes now, but maybe you’ll be into a brunette in the future. I just don’t understand this idea that we have to choose one or the other.”

I hope she knows it’ll take more than a visit to Javier at the salon if she wants to swap out Johnny’s bits.

In any case, while it did take someone like Johnny Depp to bang all the residual traces of lesbian out of her, it seems to be a done deal now.

(I kid, of course. You can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.)

(But don’t be surprised if right-wingers want to dispatch Johnny Depp to Birkenstock stores all over the world, just in case.)

karen walker lesbians will and grace gif

‘Super Normal’ Shia LaBeouf Slurs Out a Drunken, Non-Plagiarized Apology for Headbutting That Dude

Shia LaBeouf, who is totally NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE, is still famous enough that when he gets all up in someone’s face at a bar and loses his fecal matter, people whip out cellphones and take video of it.

A couple days ago, Shia was at a South London pub named Hobgoblin (srsly) when some dude apparently dissed his girlfriend’s mom. And because Shia is nothing if not chivalrous, he gallantly headbutted the guy. Over a “your mom” joke.

You can hear a woman screaming his name over and over to get him to back the eff off, and eventually he does, only to be chastised by someone who sounds like an extra from “Mary Poppins” right before the video ends.

Then early this morning, video of him talking to some bar patrons later that same night emerged.

If you can’t understand his drunken slurs, here’s a partial transcript of what he says:

“I’m not trying to have, like, any more problems. Like, I’m really just trying to make peace … I’m a normal human being. Look, I accept what I get into to do what I love. I’m not trying to shit on nobody. I’m a human being, you know what I mean?

I’m super normal. Like more normal than most. When people wanna get hostile, or shit on my girl’s mom, or say things that are out of turn …

I’m sorry about that. I got no control over that. I’m just trying to make peace, you know?”

HE’S SUPER NORMAL, YOU GUYS. GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

Maybe he should stop hanging out at this joint — he was in another fight there back in November of 2012. Then again, he got into a street brawl in front of a bar in Vancouver three years ago, too. So maybe it’s not the locale, maybe it’s him (it’s totally him).

Watching the second video, I almost feel bad for the guy. He can’t even do that thing we all do when we’re drunk — where we bare our souls and think we’re being incredibly deep and poignant when really we’re just sloppy and shouldn’t speak at all — without someone taping it and selling it to a tabloid site.

Then I remember what a douche he is even when he’s sober and yeah, never mind.

Paris Hilton, Who Can’t Really DJ, Gets Paid a Lot of Money to DJ

Play that funky music, white girl

Play that funky music, white girl. Or just let someone else do it for you.

Since Paris Hilton can’t really make a living just being Paris Hilton anymore, she got herself a job: She’s been DJ’ing all over the world and getting paid a shitload to do it. She even recently said she’s one of the top five DJs on the planet, causing real DJs like Paul Oakenfold to sputter and make all the lolz.

So you probably won’t clutch your pearls when I tell you that someone on Quora asked “Is Paris Hilton a Good DJ?” and the answer was a resounding “mmmmno.” The photo above was provided as evidence, along with the explanation:

In the middle of Paris Hilton’s subpar deejay debut in Brazil [in 2012], a man suddenly appeared from behind the booth and started twisting the knobs on her Traktor Kontrol, essentially doing her job for her.

Never in my life have I seen a DJ – professional or amateur – let another person touch anything in their personal space while they are at work. It just isn’t done… unless of course, the person in front of the crowd is not really deejaying.

Paris plays pre-programmed mixes, none of which are any good. She doesn’t mix at all while she’s on stage. She dresses like a cocktail party guest instead of like an actual DJ. She spends more time dancing on stage than actually spinning records. Even after dating Afrojack, one of the top DJs in the world, she clearly does not have a grasp of how to play for a crowd.

In fairness, sleeping with someone does not magically infuse you with their powers. (If that were true, I’d play one hell of a guitar solo.) (And maybe some drums too.)

Meanwhile, someone else went all existential:

The question contains an invalid assumption: Paris Hilton is not a DJ. Claiming this is the most offensive thing you can say to any real DJ. She’s a moronic celebrity, aiming to “look cool” behind the decks, nothing else. Therefore she cannot be “good” at something she is not at all in the first place.

Which begs the question: If an heiress falls in the woods and there’s no one around to hear her, does she just hire someone else to make a sound?

Yesterday Was a Bad Day to Be Justin Bieber’s BFF

You know you're jelly of those onesies

You know you’re jelly of those onesies

By now, pretty much everyone knows the LAPD busted up into Justin Bieber‘s house yesterday with so much manpower that you’d have thought he was a Colombian gun-runner instead of a wannabe banger who winged a few dozen eggs at a neighbor’s house and was stupid enough to be caught on video doing it.

During the raid, cops found what they thought was a pile of cocaine “in plain sight” and arrested Lil Za, one of the Biebs’ hangers-on besties. Still unclear is why they arrested HIM when it wasn’t his house, but since Justin is the bitch who makes all the money, Za probably just took one for the team. (The drugs were later reported to be Ecstasy and Xanax, not coke — which translates to a lot less jail time, should it come to that.)

Za was booked for felony drug possession but posted bail a short time later and was mere minutes from freedom when he inexplicably lost his shit and tore up a phone in the jailhouse. That got his dumb ass booked again, this time for vandalism. Because he’s not rich or famous enough to vandalize things and call it art.

Upon his eventual release, he did a walk of shame during which the paparazzi asked him a bunch of idiotic questions they knew he wouldn’t answer, but the main takeaway from that is his inane nickname is apparently pronounced “zay” and not “zah.” (Which totally ruins all the “pizZA” jokes everyone made about him on Twitter yesterday.)

As for the Biebs, the LAPD collected all kinds of evidence from his house yesterday — including his security system, which presumably has video — but at this time, a police spokesman says he “has not been exonerated, nor has he been arrested.”

Gabourey Sidibe Invites Her Haters to Kiss Her Big, Successful Ass

Sal-UTE

Sal-UTE

“Precious” star Gabourey Sidibe (seen lately scaring the hell out of everyone as part of this season’s cast of “American Horror Story: Coven”) looked lovely at Sunday night’s Golden Globes, but that didn’t stop a bunch of trolls on Twitter from making a slew of lazy fat jokes since she has the nerve — the nerve! — to be talented, famous and overweight at the same time.

“Who thought this was okay?” asked one such asshole, helpfully including the hashtags “#ImSurprisedSheCouldFitInTheFrame” and “#IThinkSheAteTheGoldenGlobes” because he’s super creative (he’s not creative).

It’s cool, though. SHE GOT DIS.

On Monday morning, she shot back:

Which was among the most ladylike of ways of saying “suck it, bitches.”

Team Gabby. All the way.

Cops Just Swarmed Justin Bieber’s Crib

Would this face lie to you? (Yes. Yes it would.)

Would this face lie to you? (Yes. Yes it would.)

Remember that egg-throwing incident last weekend? Looks like it might have been a lot more serious than anyone thought, because almost a dozen L.A. County Sheriff’s patrol cars are out in front of Justin Bieber‘s manse right now.

TMZ giddily reports:

[Police] are executing a search warrant in connection with the egg-throwing incident … Sources tell us deputies are looking for any evidence that links Bieber to the egg assault on his next door neighbor. We’re told this is a FELONY search warrant — meaning Justin is under a microscope for a crime that could land him in prison.

If in the course of the search cops find something illegal — like drugs — it’s fair game.

We’re told there’s a battering ram at the scene …

Deputies are detaining Justin in his garage right now while they search. We’re told they are also looking for surveillance video from Justin’s house that might capture the egging incident.

A battering ram? Jesus H. This is like some shit off “Cops.” All we’re missing is some barefoot chick in a SpaghettiOs-stained tank top puffing on a Marlboro Red and swigging a can of Coors.

For what it’s worth, the guy who owns the house Justin egged says the world’s most famous man-boy caused $20,000 in damage. That definitely rises to the level of a felony, and let’s be real here — it’s about time Bieber got a little comeuppance for his constant and rampant douchebaggery.

That said, he IS rich, famous and (most importantly) white — so I wouldn’t start measuring him for a jailhouse jumpsuit just yet.

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UPDATE: Justin’s BFF Lil Za, who was at the house, was busted for felony Ecstasy and Xanax possession. Cops said the drugs (which they initially thought was a whole lot of cocaine) were “in plain view” during the raid.