Sam Worthington Beat the Shit Out of A Paparazzo

Remember Sam Worthington? That bland, generically good-looking fellow who starred in “Avatar” and that super shitty “Terminator” sequel that you haven’t thought about since? Well, here’s some video of him beating up a photographer for harrassing his girlfriend.

Model Lara Bingle was walking around the streets of New York aimlessly when the pap began following her and talking to himself like a hobo with a copy of Dianetics – endlessly repeating “I got it on video!” before any of this went down.

After Bingle kicked the photog and told him to stop following her, he kept at it, eventually leading to Jake Sully Worthington running out, smacking him to the ground and screaming “You want to fucking kick me wife?”

The two aren’t actually married, but have been together since 2013.

Both Worthington and the pap were taken in, Sam for assault and the photog – Sheng Li – for reckless endangerment, assault and harassment.

Too bad they couldn’t just plug their hair into the Earth and live in harmony, or whatever.

Let’s Check In On Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley + Weinie 4 Lyfe (Twitter)

Miley Cyrus is in the middle of her Bangerz tour, where she’s been struggling to do all sorts of crazy shit nightly and maintain her headline quota.

First, she pretended to masturbate on stage, which probably made Madonna spit fetus blood all over in outrage.

Then Miley decided to up the ante by miming fellatio to a guy in a Bill Clinton mask. But this wasn’t very controversial, either. It’s ancient history, and everyone except maybe Glenn Beck is over it. (By the way: Miley was six years old when the Lewinsky scandal hit.)

And because that wasn’t doing the trick, she then did the same thing to Abe Lincoln, who looks mighty stoic for someone being graced by the all-knowing Tongue of Cyrus.

Regardless, she at least looks healthy and is delivering exactly what her fans want. Like this one:

So what’s next, Miley? Maybe you could sit on the face of an Aaron Burr lookalike as he duels Alexander Hamilton. Maybe you could reenact the Salem witch trials and writhe around on a portrait of Cotton Mathers.

Either way, thank you for giving our youth a crash course in American history/assless chaps. You are a patriot.

Suck It, Miley: Helen Mirren Out-Twerks Everyone

In case you didn’t know, Dame Helen Mirren is one of the best people in the world ever. From cussing out noisy assholes to delivering insanely poignant performances, she can do it all. Apparently that includes twerking.

The 68-year-old actress appeared at Harvard University this week to receive its Hasty Pudding Theatricals Woman Of The Year award, and played a charades like-game where she had to act out items on cards for others to guess.

Twerking eventually reared its head and, after asserting “I refuse to do it” and a failed attempt to spell the word with her hands, she let out a defeated cursing fit – then declared “Okay,” and threw down the infamous dance move.

Needless to say, it was the classiest twerk ever.

Later, during a ceremonial roast, Mirren opened up about her career, telling the audience that Harrison Ford was the “hottest actor I ever worked with,” (that would be Peter Weir’s phenomenal “The Mosquito Coast”) and said that Meryl Streep would best her in a fight (questionable).

Congratulations, Helen. You’re the twerking queen. Literally.

Rihanna Photobombing the ‘Full House’ Cast Wins the Day

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It’s been a while since we’ve seen a good photobomb. Enter Rihanna.

Bob Saget, John Stamos and Mr. Duplicity Dave Coulier appeared on “GMA” this morning to plug their upcoming Super Bowl ad for Dannon Oikos yogurt. Meanwhile, RiRi was there pimping her line of MAC Viva Glam makeup.

But between segments, the “Full House” boys decided to take a selfie (apparently they’re all 16 years old), and that’s when Rihanna stepped in. The result is awesome.

That said, we still don’t understand what the big deal about yogurt is. (Sorry, Jamie Lee Curtis.)

Justin Bieber Is Moving Somewhere. Stay On Notice, America.

Instagram

Instagram

After being constantly hassled by his troll neighbors patriots, Justin Bieber has finally had enough, and is high-talin’ his ass somewhere else.

TMZ reports the teen menace has instructed his realtor to sell his Calabasas, CA home and find a “sprawling space” far away from neighbors, claiming he feels “trapped and violated.”

Apparently Justin wants enough space for his own skate park and ATV course — sort of like a Neverland Ranch for douches. (Remember: in wide space, no one can hear Selena Gomez scream.)

Personally, we hope he buys a plot next to Harrison Ford‘s ranch in Jackson, Wyoming. Because Harrison Ford does not negotiate with egg terrorists, and he doesn’t put up with any bullshit. It’d make a great reality show.

But the real terror is knowing that the Biebs may be touring homes in your area, and that’s enough to keep someone up at night. Not even Mr. Rogers wants to put up with Justin’s shit.

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Justin Bieber and the Case of the Maybe-Dick Pics

Instagram

Instagram

Make no mistake: Justin Bieber is a menace to society. He’s running around hopped up on sizzurp, egging houses and corrupting America’s youth without shame. Now, a shadowy figure claiming to be a “friend” of Justin’s has leaked what they purport to be a text exchange between him and on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez … including a penis pictorial.

Radar Online posted the screencaps, detailing a heated conversation between the two possible lovebirds that goes something like this:

Bieber: “Baby come on. I love you.”

Selena: “I don’t buy that bullshit anymore…I was honest with you and gave you a second chance…All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole”

But the PossiBiebs is undeterred, allegedly replying:

“You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”

That’s when shit got real, with the alleged-Selena responding:

“U r a drug addict. U need help”

This is the point at which PossiBiebs sends a shot of the penile goods (or bads), saying:

“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.”

BOOM. Double negative, bitches.

After some arguing about going to rehab and the Biebs’ manager, Scooter Braun, he explodes, leading to this exchange:

Bieber: “FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!! Fuck you. Fuck Scooter. Fuck all y’all. IAM DONE!”

Selena: “Good!!! Go ‘retire‘ or whatever bullishit attention ur trying to get.”

As superficially exciting as this all is, nothing about it seems too legitimate. Let’s take a step back.

A few days ago, whoever was in possession of the screen caps began peddling them to the highest bidder. Justin’s camp immediately shut it down, claiming the photos were fabricated by someone who had a falling out with the pop star. This seems plausible, considering Justin Bieber is one of the easiest people to hate in the world. (Casey Anthony probably turns off the TV when she sees him.)

Next the photos were purchased by Radar — which, contrary to popular belief, is not very reliable. At all.

Also, who has access to Selena’s phone to take these screenshots? And, if you were to assume it’s her, why would she play nice with RadarOnline, and why would it be reported that the shots are being shopped around? Why?

Lastly, it’s super easy to rename your friend Jake into a phone as “Justin” and have this conversation. All you have to do is stop using proper punctuation and spelling and — Ta-dah! –  you two are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (But you will never have her body, and will probably weep at night over that.)

Essentially, inductive reasoning can blow the shit out of this thing in five minutes, and GossipCop seems to agree. And with that, we’ll call it a closed case.

Elementary, my dear famewhore.

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Here’s Our Top 5 Oscar Snubs

Woodyallen.com

Woodyallen.com

As you’ve surely heard, the 2014 Academy Award nominations were released this morning. The complete list can be found here, so we won’t bother listing them. But, like any other year, most notable were the snubs and gaffes the Academy seems to have made. These are our top five.

5. “Inside Llewyn Davis”
The Coen brothers‘ quirky and bittersweet look at the folk music scene in 1960s Greenwich Village was blatantly ignored this year, only scoring nods for cinematography and sound mixing. The film received nothing for director nor writing, and all of its cast was overlooked — including Carey Mulligan and John Goodman in incredible, understated performances. What were they thinking?

 
4. Tom Hanks
The “Captain Phillips” star was overlooked for Best Actor, most likely bumped for “American Hustle”‘s Christian Bale. Granted, it was a crowded year. But Hanks’ performance as the embattled sea captain was one of his most touching in recent memory. Failing to recognize it can’t be anything but a blunder.

 
3. Emma Thompson
Appearing alongside Hanks in another movie, “Saving Mr. Banks,” Thompson appeared to be a shoo-in for her portrayal of “Mary Poppins” author P.L. Travers. She, too, faced steep competition. But the general consensus is that it’s Cate Blanchett‘s year, and Meryl Streep probably wouldn’t have minded forgoing her 652nd nod to make room for Mrs. Thompson.

 
2. Scarlett Johansson
In “Her,” Samantha Morton originally voiced the sentient operating system that begins to feel the weight of human emotions and complex interpersonal relationships. But when director Spike Jonze began editing, it wasn’t working, and Scarlett Johansson was brought in to record for post-production. ScarJo paints the most fully realized character in the film using only her voice — a remarkable feat. She’s also never been nominated. Talk about a missed opportunity.

 
1. Woody Allen
We mentioned earlier that Cate Blanchett is this year’s frontrunner for Best Actress for “Blue Jasmine” (as she should be). But “Jasmine” garnered nothing in the Best Picture category, nor a Best Director nod for Woody Allen. Though Woody’s in a pretty good spot for Best Original Screenplay, it seems cruel to largely ignore one of his best efforts in years.

Then again, as Woody once said, “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” (Just don’t ask Mia or Ronan Farrow for comment.)

There’s A Religion Based on Kanye West And Now We Have To Break Something

Yeezianity.com

Yeezianity.com

It’s a well established fact that Kanye West has believed he is a deity (douchity?) for some time. Now some asshole has validated him by creating Yeezianity – a new religion that professes Kanye is a messenger from god. It’s just what we need.

This is, unfortunately, a real group “who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is a divine being who has been sent by God to usher in a New Age of humanity.” Seriously.

The founder of the pseudo-religion – who wishes to remain anonymous – gave an interview with Noisey and explained himself, claiming he was serious but spouting such inane bullshit that anyone with a vague grasp of who Kanye West is wouldn’t be able to believe him:

“First of all, he is the most honest person in our culture. He has the highest moral standards and highest integrity. He is the most creative person. And as it’s typical with creative people, he gets a lot of flack from the lower minded masses. It’s not even that they don’t like him, it’s that they don’t know what he’s doing because the press gives it this negative spin all the time. And now it’s people feed on it so it’s this constant negative trance. But, like, College Dropout is probably still my favorite album of all-time.”

Hear that? Kanye has the highest moral standards. He’s also the most creative. (Somewhere, Lady Gaga is hanging up a hat made of catheter tubes and weeping.)

The religion has 5 pillars, which is a complete rip off of Islam (which ripped off Christianity, which ripped off the Torah). You’d think a religion devoted to creativity would try harder. Regardless, they are as follows:

1. All things created must be for the good of all
2. No human being’s right to express themselves must ever be repressed
3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange
4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs
5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

Sounds pretty good, right? It also sounds like vague platitudes that Phillip Seymour Hoffman might spit out in a blooper reel for “The Master.” Not the mention that we’ve never seen Kanye West disown any money.

Other pillars that should be considered include:

1. Thou shalt have your body guards beat the shit out of people for minor inconveniences

or

2. Thou shalt wear a mask to protect thine heavenly artistic integrity

Yezianity is pretty much all set to start a new crusade – kicking photographers in the balls and setting up shrines to Dat Azzz® everywhere. Now we just have to wait for Richard Dawkins to run into a member of the church on the street for an impromptu debate.

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Tina Fey + Amy Poehler: A Swiftie Compendium

Twitter

Twitter

There’s a scene in Peter Weir‘s vastly underrated 1986 adaptation of “The Mosquito Coast” where Allie Fox, played by Harrison Ford, is prattling on about the problems with America. He’s walking with a young aboriginal who doesn’t understand English, but imparts the following knowledge anyway: “There are people in New York who live on pet food and would kill you for a quarter.”

Notice that if you replace “people” with “Taylor Swift fans” the sentence still makes perfect sense.

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Pamela Anderson Married the Guy From the Paris Hilton Sex Tape. Again.

The Twitterverse

Once upon a time, Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon, that dude from the Paris Hilton sex tape. Months later that marriage was annulled, with both of them citing fraud. But since true love never dies, Pam said she still slept with Rick — because really, who could resist?

Now they’ve officially remarried, setting the initial stages of the apocalypse into motion.

Pam showed up to one of Sean Penn‘s galas for Haiti — remember Haiti? — over the weekend rocking a huge-ass diamond alongside her new pixie cut, much to the chagrin and yawns of everyone.

Anderson told E! that she and her former/current hubby (and former/future ex-hubby) are pleased, adding, “Our families are very happy and that’s all that matters.”

Well, we can’t say we have high hopes for this (start your betting pools), but if Pam’s happy, we’re happy for her.

Regardless, you may now begin building your arks.